I Believe...

Happy to announce that you will have more than one opportunity to see Locked in a Room with Don Hall and Joe Janes: 2 Guys, 1 Cup at this year's Chicago Sketchfest. Opening night on January 3rd you can catch us at 9:30pm in the West Theater of the venue. We will be doing an "encore" performance at 7pm on January 5th, also in the West Theater. As Don puts it, word-of-mouth of our Thursday show will either pack or empty the place for Saturday.

This year will be all new material. Last year's show had us venting our respective spleens all over the stage mostly regarding the state of improv and sketch comedy. There will still be some of that, but most of the show will be us setting off comedy dirty bombs about ALL the things that piss us off. Oh, and there's full frontal nudity.

One thing we did last year in our show was pepper it with Don and I stating our opinions about what's right and, mostly, wrong in the world. These segments were called "I Believe's..." We'll be doing that, again, but all brand new shiny ones.

Here are my "I Believe's..." from last year.

I believe people should be required to get a license use a public restroom. A test should be administered involving aim and hygiene that is considerate of others.

If you’re going to have public urination laws, using cell phones while driving laws, bicycle traffic laws, here’s an idea, enforce them!

We have an addiction-driven economy – gambling, alcohol, caffeine, pornography, fast food, to name a few. It’s not in the best interests of our nation to be healthy.

I believe an improviser whose ultimate goal is to be on SNL or MADtv, hasn’t watched either of those shows in awhile.

I believe improvisers are lazy and think standing around saying pithy things passes for good improv.

I believe America is fixated on material wealth and has lost sight of the really important things such as love of material wealth.

I believe technology has ruined for a new generation the joy of ever listening to an entire record album. Side one and side two. Great music should never be downloaded.

I believe everyone has already had their fifteen minutes of fame, and, really, it’s time to move on.

I believe conspiracy theories are a conspiracy theory.

I believe the general public confuses shock for comedy, gore for horror, scary music for suspense and jiggly things for erotica.

I believe the entire US tax system should be abolished and, in it’s place - a $20 cover charge.

There is no hope in this society until the manipulation of truth to go to war, illegal incarceration and murder make us more outraged than wardrobe malfunctions, gay marriage and oval office blow jobs.

Many people complain that iO featuring stand-up comedy is an affront to the study of improvisation, unlike the writing courses they offer.

I believe we descended from apes. Apes that wore leather, rode horses, and kept mutes for slaves. Hey, it’s what I believe.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Employees at a Fargo, North Dakota bank are getting holiday bonuses under the condition that they what?"

57% said "Not spend it on booze"
- Here's what's really happening behind that bank counter. Tellers are naked from the waist down and can't wait for you to leave so they can start partying again. Customers interrupt and annoy them. That's why they came up with the ATM.

No one thought it was "Not spend it on drugs" or "Not spend it on gambling"
- Apparently, these are very acceptable uses of one's money in Fargo in the winter.

42% got the right answer, "Not spend it on their families"

According to the Associated Press, State Bank & Trust Chief Operating Officer Michael Solberg said each full-time employee will receive $1,000 and each part-time employee will receive $500, as part of a $502,000 "Pay it Forward" initiative. Employees were told not to use the money for themselves, their families or families of other bank employees. I can appreciate where the bank is coming from, but if I were an employee, I would think this sucked mightily. They are being forced to be charitable, which kind of eliminates that charity part. Fortunately, I am here to offer a solution to the employee who wants to give and instantly get back for their efforts.

Send your money to:
The Joe Janes Foundation
c/o The Second City
1616 North Wells Street
Chicago, Illinois, 60614

80% of your holiday fund will be mailed back to you. I have to keep 20% for administrative fees, ya' know.