Week Six, Day Thirty-Six - "Zombie Space Aliens"

“Zombie Space Aliens”
Written by Joe Janes
2/23/09
36 of 365

CAST:
Sergei, 30s
Glenn, 20s
Topol, 50s
Midge, 50s

(Lights up on the International Space Station. Glenn and Sergei are “floating” downstage working on some control panels. In the background, Midge and Topol work on a hydroponics project.)

SERGEI

Glenn. Nice to have a new face on the space station.

GLENN

Thanks, Sergei. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t care how many books you read or how many TV shows or movies you see, nothing captures the experience of actually being blasted into space and then, well, being here. The beauty out there. So, clear and it goes on forever. It’s awe-inspiring.

SERGEI

Yeah, that gets old fast. So, what did you bring?

GLENN

What did I bring? The usual stuff, I guess.

SERGEI

No bullshitting. We’re up here together for a year. If you brought something you weren’t supposed to, tell me. Or I’ll find out later when I go through your things.

GLENN

Hey, what are you saying? You’re not allowed to go through my personal things.

SERGEI

There are a lot of things I’m not allowed to do. Doesn’t stop me from doing them. There are only four of us up here. You want to call mission control and have them send your mommy to come pick you up?

GLENN

I’m just saying that in the interest of peaceful international relations, we’re not getting off to a good start.

SERGEI

Okay, Glenn. But if you’re really interested in peaceful relations, you’ll tell me what you brought.

GLENN

I told you what I brought.

SERGEI

Glenn, it’s okay. Everybody brings something they’re not supposed to. Everybody.

GLENN

Everybody?

SERGEI

Topol, back there. Brought a stack of pornography magazines. Didn’t you, Topol?

(Topol waves)

SERGEI (continuing)

God bless him.

GLENN

Does he share?

SERGEI

Unfortunately, yes. He’s in to fatties with bad skin and hair. But, you know…in a pinch…

GLENN

Did Midge bring porn?

SERGEI

Midge brought pot.

GLENN

She brought marijuana.

SERGEI

Seeds, too. Check out hydroponics specimen 420.

GLENN

This is sensitive equipment. You can’t smoke in here.

SERGEI

We don’t. We step outside. Remember that astronaut that lost a tool bag on a space walk?

GLENN

Yeah.

(Sergei mimes hitting on a joint.)

GLENN

But, you’d have to smoke inside your space suit helmet.

SERGEI

Best high in your life.

GLENN

What did you bring, Sergei? Vodka?

SERGEI (angry)

That’s a pretty racist comment, American… Just kidding! You want some?

(He sips on a straw coming out of the shoulder of his work suit.)

GLENN

Sure, why not. (He takes a small sip.) Wow –

SERGEI

Makes the paste-food we eat a lot more palatable.

GLENN

You guys sure know how to party. Sorry I was so cagey about “bringing stuff.” When you said, “everybody does it” I didn’t think you meant everybody.

SERGEI

I knew you brought something.

GLENN

I did. A gun.

(He pulls a small handgun out of his pocket)

SERGEI

A gun?

MIDGE

He has a gun!!!

TOPOL

Everybody get down!

(The three continue hovering and cover their heads with their arms.)

GLENN

No, no, no, no. It’s okay. I have the safety on.

SERGEI

A gun! You bring a fucking gun onto a space station?

MIDGE

What the hell were you thinking, Glenn?

GLENN

Hey, you brought pot.

TOPOL

If you can’t smoke it, eat it or tug to it, it’s worthless.

SERGEI

And dangerous. You accidentally shoot through the hull and we’ll all get sucked out of a hole the size of my belly button. And my belly button is petite.

GLENN

I thought it might come in handy.

MIDGE

Handy how?

TOPOL

Does my pornography threaten you?

GLENN

A little. But I would never use my gun for that. Look, it’s space. The final frontier. We don’t know what’s out here. We’re just sitting ducks waiting for some zombie space aliens to come along and eat our brains.

SERGEI

Zombie space aliens. You’ve seen too many movies.

MIDGE

Bad movies.

TOPOL

Good thing you’re here to protect us. I don’t want a zombie space alien eating my porn.

MIDGE

I think one already ate Glenn’s brain.

GLENN

All right. All right. It was dumb. You’ll never see this thing, again. (He puts it in his pocket.) Sorry I didn’t bring any good contraband to share.

(He goes back to work. The others do not.)

SERGEI

It’s okay, American. We’re glad you are here.

GLENN

Thanks. Why are you all staring at me?

(They all three grab him and start eating him. Lights fade.)