Written by Joe Janes
161 out of 365
Dr. Grebnak, 40’s
Old Widow Kravitz, 60s
Mr. Kravitz, 60s
(Lights up on Gerald sitting at his desk in his office. He is looking through file folders and checking his watch. Bob pokes his head in the door.)
BOBHey, Stud. Working late?
GERALDUm, yeah. Bob. I am. How about you?
BOBNope. On my way home to bang my wife.
BOBSure. Probably more than once, too. Unless there’s something good on television.
BOBGee, Gerald, isn’t that territory your dad should have covered with you?
GERALDNo, I mean. You’re over 50. I’m over 40 and I’m sitting here trying to find work to do so I don’t have to go home and face the fact that… face the fact…
BOBThat Mr. Stiffy ain’t so stiff anymore?
BOBThe ol’ cock don’t crow like it used to?
GERALDSomething like that-
BOBThat your penis has that not-so-hard feeling?
GERALDThat’s it, exactly. Bob, what’s wrong with me? My wife is attractive.
BOBYour wife is hot. Hot-hot-hot.
GERALDThen what is it?
BOBYou’re not 18 anymore, Gerald. That little pig between your legs doesn’t snuff for truffles like it used to. As men age, we tend to have sex less frequently. Sexual frequency averages 3-4 times a week for the typical man in his twenties, declines to once a week or so in his fifties and to 1-2 times a month in his late seventies.
GERALDOne to two times a month. I’d like to get up to that level. My wife would think I was a stud.
BOBDid you know nearly 10% of males over 50 and 40% of males over 70 have impotence problems. The only thing wrong with you, Gerald, is that you’re older.
GERALDI’ve seen that happen to other guys. I never thought it would happen to me. But, wait; you’re older than me. Do you really still do it with your wife?
BOBLike a sewing machine. A very manly sewing machine.
GERALDHow do you do it? What’s your secret?
BOBI get a little help.
GERALDYou mean, like an intern?
BOBNo, no. I get help from science. I take Viagra.
GERALDViagra? I heard Viagra was for losers.
BOBDo I seem like a loser to you?
GERALDI guess not.
BOBBesides, all the cool executives take Viagra.
GERALDBut aren’t there problematic side effects?
BOBUm, yeah, if you call having an erection for over four hours a problem.
BOBIt can happen. But the only thing its harmful to is other people. Almost poked a guy’s eye out at Starbucks once.
GERALDGee, do you have any on you?
BOBSorry, Pal. Keep them at home. Here’s my doctor’s card. Just swing by. You don’t need an appointment.
BOBYeah. He works out of his car.
GERALDThanks, Bob. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.
BOBYou won’t have to. I’ll just look for the grin on your face in the morning. Good night, Stud.
(Bob exits as Gerald looks at the business card. Lights fade. Lights up on Dr. Grebnak refusing to give an older man in his 80’s wearing silk pajamas, a robe and thick eye glasses, more Viagra.)
HEFPlease, doctor. Please. It’s not for me; it’s for my five girlfriends.
DR. GREBNAKGet up, HEf. Stop humping my tires. Have some dignity.
HEFI can’t help it. Doc. I need more Viagra. It’s the only thing that will straighten me out.
DR. GREBNAKDammit, man. I told you to ease up on it. Look at you, now. You’re a drooling idiot.
(Hef starts humping a parking meter.)
HEFNEED VIAGRA. NEED VIAGRA.
DR. GREBNAKJust get the hell out of here, Hef. I’m trying to run a business here.
GERALDAre you Dr. Grebnak?
(Hef starts humping Gerald’s leg.)
HEFA woman! A woman! Ugh! Ugh ! Ugh!
DR. GREBNAK (swatting Hef with a newspaper)Bad, Hef! Bad! Get off the poor man! Now, go!
(Hef yelps and runs off.)
GERALDWhat was his problem?
DR. GREBNAKBlind as a bat. It’s from the Viagra. He was an abuser.
GERALDYou can abuse Viagra?
DR. GREBNAKIf it’s a drug, it can be abused. He took so much he built up a tolerance to it. His body needed more and more Viagra until it didn’t respond to it anymore. Viagra abusers may develop health conditions; including exhaustion, sleep deprivation, chafed, sore, swollen, and red genitalia; and strained groin muscles. Now, he’s just messed up in the head. He gets the urges, but can’t do anything about it.
GERALDWhy can’t he do anything about it?
DR. GRENBAKHis junk is all beat up. It’s soft. Poor man couldn’t penetrate soup. What can I do for you?
GERALDI wanted to get some Viagra, but now I’m not so sure.
DR. GREBNAKAw, you’ll be all right. Hef just couldn’t handle it. You look like you can handle it. You’re man, enough, aren’t you?
GERALDMan enough for Viagra? Yeah, sure. But. Maybe I should try something else, like Cialis.
DR. GREBNAKThey both work they same way, except Cialis stays in your system longer. Viagra is for the man who knows he’s going to get some and you look like you know.
GERALDYeah, I do. How does Viagra work?
DR. GREBNAKAn erection is produced via a complex chain of events, involving signals from the nervous system and the release of chemical messengers within the tissues of the penis. One of these chemical messengers is called cyclic GMP. This allows more blood to enter the penis, which ultimately results in the penis becoming rigid and erect. (Gerald is yawning.) You still with me?
GERALDHunh? Oh, yeah. You just lost me there a little bit.
DR. GREBNAKHere you go.
(Dr. Grebnak tosses Gerald a small packet.)
GERALDHow much do I owe you?
DR. GREBNAKNothing. Free sample. You come back after you fire off that rocket, and then we’ll talk price. Take one now. By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to rock…and roll.
GERALD (takes one)…Thanks.
(We hear a car crash offstage and a painful yelp from Hef.)
GERALDWhat was that?
DR. GEBNAKI think Hef just tried to hump a Hummer.
(Lights out. Lights up on Gerald’s wife Tina. She is lighting candles in their living room. She turns on a CD of Celine Dion music. Gerald enters.)
GERALDHi, Honey. Gosh, it sure is dark in here.
TINAI know. I turned the lights down.
GERALDOh, whew! I thought maybe I was going blind.
TINAI’m just trying to set the mood. You know, it’s been awhile.
GERALDYeah, I know. Hey, look, I know this is crazy, but I was thinking about trying Viagra.
TINAViagra? Honey, don’t be silly. We don’t need science to make love. We just need each other.
GERALDYeah. I guess you’re right.
TINAWhy, Gerald, are you aroused?
GERALDOh, hey, look at that. Must be the Celine Dion.
(Gerald and Tina make wild, passionate monkey love in the dark.)
TINAOh, Gerald! You haven’t been this ways since you were eighteen!
GERALDYeah! Pretty cool, eh?
TINAWhat’s gotten in to you?
GERALDI love you? …I guess.
(Tina and Gerald fall asleep in each other’s arms…smiling. We hear crickets. Time has passed. Gerald awakes in the middle of the night. HE sees he still has an erection. Gerald immediately goes to see Dr. Grebnak.)
GERALDDr. Grebnak, I need more Viagra.
DR. GREBNAKHow much more?
GERALDHow much are they?
DR. GREBNAKTen bucks a pop.
GERALDGive me a hundred.
DR. GREBNAKHere you go! Remember, pace yourself. You don’t want to end up like Hef. (Dr. Grebnak steps forward and addresses the audience.) Gerald didn’t listen. He began to pop those little blue pills like they were candy from a penis Pez dispenser. He began to hump everything in sight. His neighbor, the Old Widow Kravitz.
(Cut to Gerald humping an old lady.)
OLD WIDOW KAVITZOh, my!
DR. GREBNAKMr. Kravitz, the man Mrs. Kravitz pretended was dead.
(Cut to Gerald humping an old man.)
MR. KRAVITZOh, my!
DR. GREBNAKThe Kravitz’ pet schnauzer, Mitzi.
(Cut to Gerald humping a dog.)
DR. GREBNAKDue to the graphic nature of what happened next, we can’t show you, we can only tell you. Gerald put his penile plank in anything that would take it. Mailboxes, vending machines, VCR slots, bottles of Gatorade, small pumpkins. Gerald passed out in a playground near his home. He awoke to children dancing around his penis like it was a May Pole. The police arrested him for indecent exposure, but not without first complimenting him on his impressive erection. They had to move the camera back to take his mug shot in profile. They released him on bail to the custody of his loving wife.
(Cut to Tina greeting a released Gerald at the police station.)
TINAOh, Gerald. How could you?
GERALDI just wanted to make you happy, Tina.
TINAYou have a problem, Gerald.
GERALDI know. I know. I don’t know what to do.
TINAI found some people who can help.
(Tina takes Gerald by the hand and they walk off. Lights fade. Lights come up on an empty room with chairs in it. Seated are Bob and Hef.)
GERALDBob? Hef? What are you doing here?
HEFWell, Gerald. We realized we had a problem.
HEFViagra had taken over my life.
BOBI was taking it all the time. Even when I was alone.
GERALDBut when I took Viagra, I felt like a man.
HEFThere are other ways, Gerald. I’ve discovered that a healthy diet and exercise, like yoga, can work wonders.
BOBI’ve learned to take my time. Savor the moment of touching my wife. Breathing techniques, help, too. Thanks to my tantra classes. I also watch a lot of internet porn.
(Bob and Hef high five.)
GERALDThat all sounds great.
TINAI bought some ginkgo biloba, which helps memory and blood flow.
GERALDThat way I’ll remember to have sex! You’re so thoughtful, Honey.
TINAAnd I signed us up for classes in erotic massage, Gerald. I think that will help spice things up.
GERALDThat sounds wonderful. So, what do we do at these Viagraholics meetings. Should I get up and talk about my experiences?
HEFI’d rather you didn’t.
GERALDWell, I think I learned a valuable lesson here. I learned that-
TINAShhh, Gerald. The show’s about to start.
(At that moment, the lights dim and throbbing house music kicks in.)
BOBAnother alternative to get the blood flowing down to the nether regions –
TINA, BOB, HEFStrippers!!!
DEEJAYLadies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage the exotic stylings of our number one dancer…
DEEJAYOld Widow Kravitz!
(The End. Lights fade.)