Week 28, Day 194 - "Weepy"

“Weepy”
Written by Joe Janes
7/31/09
194 of 365

CAST
Ross, 20s
Annie, 20s

(Lights up on Annie sitting on the sofa and looking very sad. Ross enters carrying a bag from Burger King and sits nearby.)

ROSS

Hey, babe. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bear. I brought some burgers, if you want one.

(Ross takes a burger out of the bag and offers it to her.)

ANNIE

That’s okay.

(Ross shrugs and unwraps the burger for himself and starts eating it.)

ROSS

Is something wrong?

ANNIE

No.

ROSS

I know we haven’t been going out very long, but I think I can tell something’s bothering you.

(He continues eating.)

ANNIE (even sadder)

I’d rather not talk about it.

ROSS

Okay.

(He continues eating. Annie begins making very loud gasping, wheezing, hitching crying sounds.)

ROSS (continuing)

Oh, Jesus.

(He puts the burger down and puts his arm around Annie who continues to cry loudly.)

ROSS

Honey, honey. I’ve never seen you cry before. Just, just, dear God, let it out.

ANNIE

I – am – so – up-set…

ROSS

At me? At me? Did I do something wrong?

ANNIE

Nuh-nuh-no…. My brother…

ROSS

Tim? Tim did something jerky to you?

ANNIE

No-no-no…

(Annie tries to cry more. It’s a bizarre mix of gasps and wheeze and pained expressions. Ross is fascinated by this. He hands her a napkin and she blows her know with much generosity. Ross turns his face away to hide his laughter.)

ANNIE

He…he…his wife left him… my, my, my…. sister-in-law….

ROSS (fighting laughter)

That’s awful. That’s just awful. (Pause) Tell me more…

(She now adds a slight wailing to her crying. Ross purses his lips and tries to look concerned.)

ANNIE

Betty – and – I – went- to – high – school – to-ether…How – can – she – do – this – to - him?

ROSS (putting his arm a round her)

Shhh, shh. There, there.

ANNIE

You’re – shake-ing-too.

ROSS (getting up and stepping away)

It’s…just…so…upsetting, Divorce…and…stuff. Oh, man, I’m going to lose my burger.

(He doubles over against the back of a chair, still trying to hide his laughter caused by Annie’s hysterics.)

ANNIE (calming down slightly)

You’re taking this worse than me.

ROSS (turning to her)

Am I?

(Annie gets up and puts her arms around him.)

ANNIE

I am so lucky to have you here.

(She starts bucking and crying, again. Ross is trying to remain stiff, but we can see on his face he’s about to burst.)

ROSS

Why, why is she divorcing him?

(She holds Ross’s face in her hands.)

ANNIE (more major crying)

For-some-thing-I-I-I-never-have-to-worry-about-with-you. She-said-he’s-insensitive.

(That does it. Ross bursts out laughing. He cannot stop. He doubles over on the floor and cannot stop. He stops and looks at Annie’s contorted, sad, puzzled face and it makes him laugh more. He finally runs out of steam.)

ROSS

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, my God. (Gulp) Whew! I’m so sorry.

ANNIE

What’s so funny?

ROSS

You are. When you cry. The wailing and the gasping. I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANNIE

It’s how I cry.

(Ross starts giggling, again.)

ANNIE (continuing)

Now, what’s so funny?

ROSS

I was just thinking about how you cry.

(He laughs some more and she exits. He continues laughing, grabs some napkins to wipe his eyes. She re-enters carrying her purse and keys. She kicks him in the anus and leaves. After she is gone, he sits still for a moment and starts crying much in the same manner as she did punctuated with the occasional giggle, but he is definitely sad about this. Lights fade.)

Week 28, Day 193 - "Mercenary Air"

“Mercenary Air”
Written by Joe Janes
7/30/09
193 of 365

CAST
Adjudicator
The Liquidator
The Eradicator
The Protector
Jason, 10

(Lights up on The Liquidator, The Eradicator, and The Protector. They stand in shadows across the stage.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Soldiers of war. Present yourselves.

(Spotlight comes up on The Liquidator. The Liquidator wears a wetsuit and goggles.)

THE LIQUIDATOR

I am The Liquidator. I settle bad debts. Recently, I killed the leader of a small country of large consequence with my bare hands. He borrowed too much from too many and flaunted his disregard to settle with his lavish lifestyle. I slipped into his marble and rum cake palace and moved with the shadows along the wall disguised as a unicorn tapestry. In his chamber, I waited until he was brushing his long flaxen hair at his vanity. On his 89th and a half brush stroke, I strangled him with the silk sash from his robe. (Holds up the silk sash) I made sure he could see me in the mirror. We locked eyes. Goggles to bulging eye sockets. And I whispered, “You’re a bad man. You do bad things. But no more.” I leapt from his balcony and escaped swinging from olive tree to olive tree to a small swan-filled stream. If you need someone taken care of, I’m the best. Call me. But not on Tuesdays. And if I don’t pick up, leave a message and a phone number. Don’t be a jerk. I’ll find you.

(Spotlight goes out on The Liquidator and up on The Eradicator. The Eradicator wears sleeveless non-descript military fatigues to show off the muscles and smokes a cigar.)

THE ERADICATOR

I’m The Eradicator. I rub things out. Last week, I killed a power hungry government official on the verge of world domination. I infiltrated his giant secret lair airship by clobbering one of his lackey cargo bay workers over the head and stealing his orange coveralls and gold hardhat. I made my way to the engine room and, without giving away any trade secrets, stuck a giant potato in the system’s exhaust pipe (He holds up a small club). I parachuted to safety as the airship imploded and then burst into a falling ball of hot. He and his crew of 500 perished. As well as another thousand in that small African village the flaming airship landed on. Some exotic animals got scorched pretty badly, too. Some African wildlife, and the sharks he kept in a tank on the bridge on the airship. But, hey, can’t make an omelet without killing a few hundred people. (Puts hand to ear, like a phone) Call me. I’ll give you more than you paid for.

(Spotlight out on The Eradicator and up on The Protector. The Protector wears a t-shirt and boxer shorts and carries a rolled-up newspaper in one hand and a spray bottle in another.)

THE PROTECTOR

Some call me The Protector. A select few call me Dad. Just today, I had an enemy break into my home and I had to take matters into my own hands. That’s right. I killed a wasp. It must have come in through the doggie door I finally got around to installing. I stalked it through the living room and into the downstairs bathroom. I quickly shut the door to protect the rest of the family. There in the porcelain chamber, it was just me and that stinging bastard. I grabbed a nearby People magazine and rolled it up tight. The wasp bobbed and weaved as I started batting. A formidable opponent. To slow it down, I grabbed a nearby spray bottle of tub and tile cleaner. Squirt, bat, squirt, bat, squirt, bat. Eventually, the wasp landed on the edge of the sink and then, whammo. Smashed wasp. I scraped it up with the magazine and wiped it off on the side of the toilet. Flushed the bastard away. You need a killer, give me a call. I don’t fuck around.

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Three of you stand before me, but only one of you shall remain standing. Prepare for battle!

(Dramatic music swells and the three begin to tangle, Liquidator with a rope, Eradicator with a club and Protector with his magazine and squirt bottle. They go around and take swipes at one another, Protector eventually gets the upper hand, blinding Eradicator with Tub and Tile Cleaner and wrapping Liquidator’s rope around his magazine. Before he can go in for the kill, Jason runs up and tugs at his dad’s side. The music comes to a cold stop.)

JASON

Dad, dad, we found another wasp in the garage!

THE PROTECTOR

Some other time, fellow soldiers. Dad has a wasp to kill.

(He leaves with Jason. Liquidator and Eradicator are relieved. The Adjudicator clears his throat. The Eradicator lamely hits Liquidator in the arm with his club.)

LIQUIDATOR (whiney)

Ow!

(The Liquidator lamely whips The Eradicator with his rope.)

ADJUDICATOR (VO)

Oh, just go home. (They stare up at him.) I said go home! (They scramble off as the battle music plays and lights fade to black.)

Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 191 - "With or Without"

“With or Without”
Written by Joe Janes
7/28/09
191 of 365

CAST
Jack, 40-50s
Thomas, 20s

(Lights up on Jack wearing a tucked in polo shirt and khaki pants. His belly barely keeps from spilling over his belt buckle. He carries a nice brief case and has a blue tooth phone in one ear.)

JACK (on phone)

Stall them, Mickey… I’m just outside. I’ll be in in a few minutes... Get ‘em some coffee, get ‘em some blow jobs, I don’t care. …Don’t lecture me on how important this is. I know how important this is.

(Thomas, a young, black man carrying a milk crate, a rag and a few bottles of shoe polish walks out.)

THOMAS

Shine your shoes?

JACK

Thomas!...I have to go. (He hangs up his blue tooth.) Thomas! Do me. Here’s five bucks. I’ve been waiting for you. (He hands Thomas a five-dollar bill.)

THOMAS

Sure thing. (He starts to shine Jack’s shoes.) How’s your day been going?

JACK

Better now that you’re here. I was about to crap my pants if you didn’t show up.

THOMAS

Well, I know I do good work…

JACK

You have no idea how valuable your work is. This is going to be my lucky day. Have you made enough money to go to school, yet?

THOMAS

I’ve been taking night classes. Still a few years off from getting an associate’s degree-

JACK

-in Business Administration. (Thomas looks at him quizzically) You don’t remember me, do you?

THOMAS

You look kind of familiar…

JACK

I’m a businessman. A year ago. Almost to the day. Right on this spot. You shined my shoes before I gave a big sales presentation in that building.

THOMAS

I shine lots of shoes, Mister.

JACK

Call me Jack. Call me Jack… I got that big sale. Saved my ass. Saved the company’s ass.

THOMAS

Congratulations. I’m sure that had everything to do with my excellent shoe shining skills.

JACK

It sort of did. The CEO complimented me on my shoes. Before he even shook my hand. I think he’s got some kind of shoe fixation or something. Anyway, from that point on, I could do no wrong with that guy. They’re back today to discuss whether or not to renew with us.

THOMAS

I see. So, I am an integral part of your strategy to win another sale.

JACK

Doesn’t hurt. I just know that if I went in there and lost the sale without getting a shine from you, I’d cut off my feet to spite my face.

(Jack finishes one shoe, but hesitates before doing the other.)

JACK (continuing)

What’s the matter?

THOMAS

Oh. Did you want both shoes done?

JACK

Yes! Of course I do.

THOMAS

Because, you only gave me five bucks. It’s been a year. My rates have changed.

JACK (taking out wallet)

How much is it, now?

THOMAS

Well, it’s five bucks for the first shoe, five thousand for the second.

JACK

Thomas! You can’t do this to me. I’m already late for the sales meeting.

THOMAS

Be a shame for you to walk in there with only one shiny, shiny shoe. What would a CEO make of that?

JACK

You’re trying to rob me.

THOMAS

Just providing a valuable service.

(Jack’s phone rings.)

JACK (on phone)

I’ll be there in a second, Mickey!... I’m getting my shoes shined, but don’t tell them that! Tell them I’m stuck in traffic. …What! Are you serious? God dimmit. (He hangs up and waves up to the building across the street. Thomas notices and waves, too.) Well, at least the CEO gave me a thumbs up. That’s a good sign.

THOMAS

Bet he’s wondering why I haven’t done the other shoe, yet.

JACK (smiling through his teeth)

All right, cocksucker. Here’s how we’re going to play this. You finish my other shoe, I go in there and make the sale, I come back out and we transfer five grand into your bank account. You okay with that?

(Thomas starts to quickly polish the other shoe.)

THOMAS

Give me your wallet.

JACK

I’m not giving you my wallet.

THOMAS

For security. How am I supposed to know you’ll come back? Especially if you don’t make the sale.

JACK

You’ll just have to trust me.

THOMAS

You’ll just have to trust me that I won’t spill this bottle of black polish onto your oxblood dress shoes.

(Jack quickly stoops and slaps his wallet into Thomas’s hands as if he were shaking them; all the while still aware he’s being watched.)

JACK

Here you go, Thomas. Meet me back here in an hour. You better be here.

THOMAS

Hey, I’m not a thief.

(Jack exits, smiling and waving to the building.)

THOMAS (taking the cash out of the wallet and pocketing it)

I’m a businessman.

(Blackout)

Week 28, Day 190 - "Dear Penthouse"

“Dear Penthouse”
Written by Joe Janes
7/27/09
190 of 365

CAST
Dina, 20s
Megan, 20s
Shelly, 20s
Dave, 40s
Scott, 20s
Ted, 20s

(Lights up on Megan, Shelly and Dina in their college apartment. Megan and Shelly sit at a table doing homework. Dina is watching TV.)

DINA

Are you guys going to study all night?

MEGAN

It’s only seven o’clock.

DINA

Whatever.

SHELLY

Aren’t you worried about passing your history test?

DINA

Professor Krause always does multiple choice.

SHELLY

So?

DINA

The answer is “B.”

MEGAN

Answering “B” won’t get you an “A.”

DINA

I just want to pass.

(Doorbell rings. Shelly looks at Dina, who doesn’t move.)

SHELLY

Don’t get up.

(Shelly answers the door. Dave enters carrying a pizza and case of beer.)

SHELLY (continuing)

Dad!

DAVE

Hi, Shelly. Girls, the pizza boy is here!

(He enters and puts the pizza and beer on the table. He starts opening beers and handing them out.)

DINA

Hi, Mr. Jensen.

DAVE

Mr., Jensen? Is my dad here?

SHELLY

No, mine is.

DAVE

Call me, Dave, Dina. Hi, Megan.

MEGAN

Hi…Dave. Thanks for bringing us pizza. I was just thinking about how hungry I was.

SHELLY

Dad, this is nice, but we’re trying to study for a test.

DAVE

A test? A test in what? Lay it on your old man. I’ll help you.

MEGAN

American History.

DAVE

American History, American History… Multiple choice?

MEGAN

Yes.

DAVE

Just answer “B.”

DINA

That’s what I said, Dave!

(She high fives him and he is very happy about that.)

SHELLY (going back to studying)

Oh, God.

DAVE

I can’t believe you attractive young ladies are spending your evening studying.

SHELLY

It’s Tuesday.

DAVE

But you’re in college. And I just read your school is rated one of the top twenty party schools in the country.

MEGAN

Something to be proud of.

DAVE

Put the books away. Let’s eat us some pizza. Drink us some beers. Call more of your girlfriends and invite them over. Let’s have a party. …I’m buying!

DINA (texting)

I just texted my friends, Dave.

SHELLY

Dina, we’re not having a party.

DINA

We are, now. I also posted it on Facebook and Twitter.

DAVE

Cool. I brought a party CD, too.

(He hands Dina a CD.)

SHELLY

Dave… Can I speak with you in the kitchen, please?

DAVE (grabs a beer)

Sure, Shelly.

(They walk to the far side of the stage through a “door” into the kitchen.)

DAVE (continuing)

Here’s your beer.

SHELLY

I don’t want a beer. I want to spend the evening studying for my test.

DAVE

Shelly, Shelly. You only live once. Your college years are going to fly by.

SHELLY

They’re my college years. Not yours. I don’t need you around trying to relive your college years.

DAVE

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is relive my college years.

SHELLY

Pizza? Beer? Parties?

DAVE

I was a dork in college. Yeah, I know. Me. All I did was study and get “A”s. I was the most boring man on campus.

SHELLY

Then what the hell are you doing? Trying to make up for lost time?

DAVE

What? No. Just trying to make sure my little girl and her roommates get the most out of these formulative important years.

SHELLY

Which one?

DAVE

I don’t know-

SHELLY

Which one of my roommates do you have the hots for?

DAVE

Dina has some pretty hot videos on Facebook.

SHELLY

You’re watching videos of my friends on Facebook.

DAVE

You friended me. You were tagged in her karaoke strip tease.

SHELLY

We were drunk.

DAVE

I know. That’s why I brought beer and the greatest hits of Bon Jovi, karaoke-style.

SHELLY

Jesus, Dad. It’s my life. Not your chance to live out Internet porn fantasies.

DAVE

Sure you don’t want a beer?

SHELLY

Go home. Go date women your own age.

DAVE

Women my age don’t look like that.

SHELLY

Stop trying to sleep with my friends. Seriously. It’s time for you to leave.

(She opens the door for Dave to leave. They enter the living room where the karaoke version of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” is blaring. Megan and Dina have their tops off and are singing along loudly. Scott is video taping them. Ted is cheering them on. If there’s more students around partying, awesome. Megan and Dina grab Dave and make him join them. Everyone is singing along, except Shelly. Shelly grabs her textbook and three beers and exits. Lights fade.)

Week 27, Day 189 - "Violets in Garlic Sauce"

“Violets in Garlic Sauce”
Written by Joe Janes
7/26/09
189 of 365

Cast
Eye
Ear
Nose
Mouth
Lobster Claw Mustache

(Lights up on five “artists” dressed in shiny black unitards and wearing full heads masks. Each mask represents that artist’s character: Eye, Ear, Nose, Mouth, Lobster Claw Mustache. The begin by standing close to one another and forming as much of a face as possible with their parts.)

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Lift your hands up high-

EAR

And let your belly fail.

NOSE

Grab the kettledrum in your ear-

MOUTH

And pull the coffin out of your nose!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Few who know what good they are!

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

The cows are sitting on the telegraph wires playing chess.

MOUTH

Take your foot out of the butter before it is too late.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Van Gogh had an offensive breath and is dead.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Art grows on society’s abdomen.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Heaven, hell and kayaking.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Einstein is a cigar and cuts himself off.

EYE

Let us stuff Monet. Let us. Let us.

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Copyright reserved.

EAR

Kids eat free.

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

My toe nails are rosy and glittery.

EAR

I am ignored.

NOSE

Men have no instinct.

MOUTH

There is a long line passing through my middle-

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

-Crossing my nose-

EYE

-my Adam’s apple-

EAR

-my Eve’s plumb –

NOSE

-my naval-

MOUTH

-and other essential organs.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

(They each repeat their own designated monosyllabic sound, in order, as often as necessary, or unnecessary. Arrr, tuh, ess, enn, danj! Until we realize that they are saying “Art is in danger!” And then they break it down, mixing up the order and volume until is deconstructs and falls apart. They mumble and stumble and leave the stage until all that is left is Nose and Lobster Claw Mustache. Lobster Claw Mustache takes it place under Nose.)

NOSE

I love you.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

I know.

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 188 - "WTF"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“WTF”

Written by Joe Janes

7/25/09

188 of 365

CAST

Muriel, late 20s

Tabitha, late 20s

(Lights up on Muriel standing near the buffet table of a high school reunion. Tabitha approaches.)

TABITHA

Muriel? Muriel Klotz?

MURIEL

Yes?

TABITHA (hugs Muriel)

Oh, my God! I haven’t since you since we graduated.

MURIEL

That’s right. We haven’t seen each other since then…you.

TABITHA

You…don’t remember me…it’s Tabitha. Tabitha Letterhos.

MURIEL

Oh, sure. Tabitha! We took Chemistry together.

TABITHA

Biology.

MURIEL

Of course. I get all my sciences mixed up.

TABITHA

You still don’t remember me.

MURIEL

No, no. Of course, I do. Tabitha. Just you’re hair-

TABITHA

Is exactly the same way I wore it ten years ago.

MURIEL

Well, you know, we all have put on a few extra pounds.

TABITHA

Except me.

MURIEL

Except you, is what I was going to say. You look great.

TABITHA

Right. You know, I used to think you were somebody real special. Someone I really admired. And I fooled myself into thinking we were friends, maybe not close friends, but friends enough to be glad to see each other, get together for coffee and to laugh about old times. I wasn’t even on your radar in high school, was I? Well, sorry I bothered you, Muriel. Enjoy the ten-year reunion.

(She exits.)

MURIEL

Facebook me!

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 187 - "A Little Psycho"

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
7/24/09
187 of 365

CAST
Miranda, 30s
Frank, 30s

(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)

MIRANDA

Okay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.

(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)

MIRANDA (continuing)

Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.

FRANK

Miranda.

MIRANDA

You can spend the night tonight, if you want to.

FRANK

Okay.

MIRANDA

Okay, what?

FRANK

Okay, I want to.

MIRANDA

One other question-

FRANK

I have two in my wallet.

MIRANDA

Two?

FRANK

I’m very optimistic.

MIRANDA

Okay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well.

FRANK

Okay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.

MIRANDA

Are you a psycho?

FRANK

Am I a psycho?

MIRANDA

I really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?

FRANK

Yes.

MIRANDA

You are?

FRANK

A little. I’ve Googled your name several times.

MIRANDA

That’s not so bad. I Googled-

FRANK

I even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere.

MIRANDA

Did you find anything?

FRANK

Just my own blog.

MIRANDA

You have a blog?

FRANK

I also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.

MIRANDA

You did not find anything.

FRANK

Sadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean.

MIRANDA

Well, I guess that’s a little psycho-

FRANK

And then I Googled all your Facebook friends.

MIRANDA

That seems excessive.

FRANK

They seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.

MIRANDA

White Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.

FRANK

But that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.

MIRANDA

I told you I wasn’t.

FRANK

Hello – psycho.

MIRANDA

Right. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.

FRANK

Well, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.

MIRANDA

Well. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.

FRANK

That’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.

MIRANDA

How did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?

FRANK

I read your e-mail. Too much?

MIRANDA

Leave.

(Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 186 - "Buenos Aires"

“Buenos Aires”
Written by Joe Janes
7/23/09
186 of 365

CAST:
Rosa, 20s
Luis, 20s
Roberto, 30s
Johnny, 20s
Adolfo, 40s

(Lights up on the terrace of a high society soiree. Rosa, in a beautiful evening gown, enters. She looks distraught and heads to the railing and looks out at the evening sky. Luis, in a tuxedo, enters and stands at the door.)

LUIS

Rosa, my darling.

ROSA (not turning)

Luis. No. Stay away. You must.

LUIS

Your lips say, “Stay away,” but your back says, “come hither.”

ROSA (turning)

Damn my back and its vocabulary. Damn my back, Luis, and damn you. (Whispering) Damn you.

(They embrace. They build tension as they lock eyes and almost kiss but press their faces cheek-to-cheek instead.)

ROSA (continuing)

I love you and I hate you.

LUIS

I love you and I hate you, too.

ROSA

Roberto must never know.

(Roberto enters wearing an Argentinean dress military uniform and carrying a glass of champagne. He sees Rosa and Luis and smashes the glass on the floor.)

ROBERTO

Rosa!

ROSA

Roberto!

ROBERTO

Luis!

LUIS

My friend. This is not how it looks.

ROBERTO

I have been a fool. My lover and my best friend.

LUIS

She is yours. Take her. I don’t want her. I was just telling her how much I hated her.

ROSA

He speaks the truth, Roberto. We are in hate with one another.

LUIS

True hate.

ROSA

We are hate mates.

ROBERTO

I should have listened to you my friend.

(Roberto starts crying and runs into Luis’s arms.)

LUIS

Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.

ROSA

What did he mean listen to you?

LUIS

Nothing, nothing.

ROBERTA

He said you were a tramp who would eat my heart!

LUIS

Or that. I may have said something like that. I think I said, “break” your heart.

ROBERTO

Yes, yes, “break.” He said, “break.” I said, “eat.”

(Rosa starts hitting Luis who uses Roberto to block the blows.)

ROSA

I hate you even more now! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(Johnny, an American in a nice suit, enters.)

JOHNNY

Rosa!

ROSA

Johnny!

JOHNNY

I waited for you in the taxicab, but you never came.

LUIS

You were going to leave?

ROBERTO

How could you leave us like that?

ROSA

Johnny and I are in love. Right, Johnny?

JOHNNY

That’s right. I’ve never loved anyone more deeply. Or quickly.

LUIS

When did you meet?

JOHNNY

About an hour ago. At the buffet. Near the prime rib.

ROSA

Oh, Johnny, let’s go. Let’s go, Johnny, now. Let’s run away forever, Johnny. Sweep me up in your arms, Johnny, and take me to your America so I can be free. (pause) Johnny?

JOHNNY

Right away, but first, who are these guys?

ROSA

Oh, how rude of me. This is Roberto, my lover and Luis, his best friend and also my lover whom I also hate.

JOHNNY

Is there anyone else I should know about?

(Adolfo wearing a tuxedo and a cape enters.)

ADOLFO (cheerfully)

Rosa, here you are!

ROSA

Adolfo! My husband!

ADOLFO (still cheerful)

You say that as if I caught you doing something other than just having a friendly conversation on the terrace with these three handsome gentlemen. How is everyone?

JOHNNY

Oh, fine.

LUIS

Good.

ROBERTO

I’ve been better.

ADOLFO

You’re missing a wonderful party inside. The band has started and everyone is dancing the night away. Shall we tango, Rosa?

ROSA

Of course, husband. Whatever you say.

ADOLFO

You gentlemen have a splendid evening. You look so lovely tonight, my dear…

(Adolfo escorts Rosa back into the party.)

JOHNNY

Well, I feel like a real heel.

LUIS

I didn’t know he was so nice!

ROBERTO

I didn’t know she was married. And to such a great guy.

JOHNNY

Should we go join the party?

LUIS

I think I’d feel really awkward.

ROBERTO

Me, too. Plus, Rosa was the only hottie.

LUIS

That’s true.

JOHNNY

Strip club?

LUIS

Sure, why not?

ROBERTO

That’s how I met Rosa!

(Blackout)