Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Week 30, Day 205 - "Free Soda"

“Free Soda”
Written by Joe Janes
8/11/09
205 of 365

CAST
Sylvia, 40s
Jack, 50s
Phillip, 40s
Dirk, 30s
Nancy, 20s
Hillary, 50s

(Lights up on a conference room. A group of executives are sitting around a table finishing up a meeting.)

SYLVIA
…And that should help us save a few pennies in shipping costs. (They all laugh at this in a polite executive way.) Oh, and one last item. Starting next Monday, the company will be providing free soda.

JACK
You mean, just for us, right?

SYLVIA
No. For everybody. You can tell all the employees in your department that starting Monday, and every Monday after; the company will stock a case of 12-ounce cans of cola in every break room in the building. Our Canadian branch does this. They’ve been doing it for years. The CEO there tells me its one of those little perks that brightens up an employee’s day. A little thing that lets them know they’re appreciated. Makes them more productive, too. Any questions?

PHILLIP
Just one. Are you trying to kill me?

SYLVIA
Not through this method, Phillip. What’s your issue?

PHILLIP
Adult onset diabetes, type 2. Not supposed to have sugar.

DIRK
You could just not have any.

PHILLIP
That’s not fair. Why should everyone else get a freebie?

NANCY
I, for one, wouldn’t mind having a diet cola option. That seems fair.

SYLVIA
I suppose you’re right, on that. We’ll split the case. Half cola, half diet.

HILLARY
And those are the only options? We’ll, now you’re trying to kill me.

SYLVIA
How so, Hillary?

HILLARY
The ol’ ticker. Every since my quadruple by-pass surgery last year, the doctor says no caffeine.

NANCY
Maybe we could add a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola.

HILLARY
It’s healthier.

JACK
No. It’s not. It’s carbonated brown chemicals with sugar and salt. I just want you to keep your hands off my coffee and tea.

SYLVIA
No one’s going to take away the coffee and tea, Jack, and we’ll look into doing that, Hillary.

JACK
That’s what you say, now. I’ve worked here twenty years. I’ve always used the coffee maker in the morning and a nice little cup of tea in the afternoon. You take that away, and you may as well tell me you don’t care about me.

SYLVIA
Different subject, but let me assure you, Jack, we’re not touching the coffee and tea. Have all you like.

JACK
I will if I want. You can’t make me.

DIRK (looking at a calculator)
You know, I was just doing the math on this. There may not be enough soda for everyone. You figure one a day, minimum, five days a week; you could be out by Wednesday afternoon.

SYLVIA
Not everyone drinks soda, right, Jack? It probably won’t be a problem.

NANCY
You’re assuming no one’s going to take more than one or, for that matter, outright steal it. Take cans home with them.

DIRK
In that case, it could all be gone on Tuesday. What’s the point of having free soda if you don’t have any? Hell, I can give away something I don’t have. Anybody want a million dollars?

PHILLIP
I do.

DIRK
Help yourself. It’s in the fridge. What? It’s gone. It was there yesterday. Sorry ol’ man. You lose out.

NANCY
We could ration it. Everyone is guaranteed one soda for the week.

HILLARY
For the week? I can’t just sip one soda for a whole goddamn week.

NANCY
Didn’t your doctor tell you anything about pacing yourself?

JACK
I don’t know if rationing is the answer. I think that’s just going to create long lines in the break room. Besides, I don’t drink the swill.

NANCY
For this to work, Jack, you’re going to have start drinking soda.

JACK
No way. I’ll just pour the crap down the drain.

PHILLIP
I’ll take yours. Just give it to me.

JACK
I’ll sell it to you.

PHILLIP
Come on, I’m already out a million dollars.

JACK
Which reminds me. How are we paying for this? Am I going to have to take a pay cut to cover the costs of soda guzzling freeloaders?

SYLVIA
The company pays for it all. We got a deal from the soda industry.

JACK
I don’t see why people can’t just take care of their own soda needs.

(This causes an emotional stir among the group, pro and con.)

SYLVIA
Stop. Just stop. Everyone just stop.

(She takes a breath. Everyone is quit and motionless for a moment. Hillary leans forward.)

HILLARY
I bring a liter of Mountain Dew every day. Are you going to make me switch to a different cola?

NANCY
We added caffeine free diet cola for you.

HILLARY
I should have the option. Doesn’t mean I have to take it.

SYLVIA
No, Hillary, you can still bring your Mountain Dew.

NANCY
I thought you couldn’t have caffeine?

HILLARY
Mountain Dew doesn’t have caffeine. It’s green. (looks around table) It’s green. Do your research.

SYLVIA
I said, “Stop.” Starting Monday, every refrigerator in every break room will be stocked with half a case of cola, half a case of diet cola, and a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola. We will do this for a month. After a month, we’ll re-evaluate it and see if we need to change anything about it. Is that clear? (Everyone sits quiet and nods.) Does anyone have any questions?

JACK
Why do you hate America?

(Sylvia puts her head in her hands. Blackout)

2 comments:

Chris Othic said...

This isn't funny so much as it's sad because I have attended this meeting.

Way to hold the mirror up to nature, Joe!

Erica said...

Awesome. Love it!