Written by Joe Janes
9/5/09
230 of 365
Cast
Melissa, 30s
Joe, 30s
(Lights up on Joe and Melissa sitting in their living room. Joe is reading a book. Melissa is flipping through a magazine. Joe looks up. He’s about to speak to Melissa, but hesitates. He goes back to reading. He stops and looks at her quizzically. She feels his eyes on her and looks up.)
MELISSA
What?
JOE
Your name is Melissa.
MELISSA
Yep. It is.
JOE
I hardly ever call you that.
MELISSA
Sure you do.
JOE
No. I don’t.
MELISSA
You’ve said my name before.
JOE
Only when I have to. Like, in introductions. I’m just saying, I never say it in conversation with you. What do I say when I call you at work?
MELISSA
“Hey.”
JOE
I say “Hey.”
MELISSA
I know it’s you.
JOE
What did you say earlier when I walked in the door?
MELISSA
I said, “Hey.” Oh my God, I do it, too.
JOE
We have names.
MELISSA
We sure do. Why don’t we use them? We don’t even use pet names.
JOE
We say “honey.” Does “honey” count as a pet name?
MELISSA
No, that counts as a warning that one of us is about to condescend to the other. (Joe looks at her puzzled and then demonstrates…) Honey.
JOE
Wow – you’re right. That’s not a term of endearment at all.
MELISSA
It’s a term of asshole.
JOE
Well, I like your name. I’m going to use it more often. (Pause) Melissa.
MELISSA
Me, too. (Pause) Joe.
JOE
Melissa - Joe, Joe – Melissa.
MELISSA
How do you do, Joe?
JOE
I am fine, Melissa. It is lovely to meet you. Melissa.
MELISSA
The feeling is mutual, Joe. I like this. That sounds much better.
JOE
It’s like we’re people.
MELISSA
Yah. We’re somebody. Somebodies.
(They return to their reading, briefly.)
JOE
You have more syllables than I do.
MELISSA
I could call you Joseph.
JOE
You’d still have one more.
MELISSA
It’s just a name.
JOE
It’s just a name.
(They go back to reading.)
JOE
Hey – (Catches himself) Melissa. Can I call you Mel?
MELISSA
No.
(Blackout.)
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