Week 39, Day 272 - "How To Have Sex With A Woman"

“How To Have Sex With Women”

Written by Joe Janes

10/17/09

272 of 365

CAST:

Peter, 30s

Suzy, 30s

Jonathan, 50s

(Lights up on Peter and Suzy having drinks in a bar. Professor Jonathan Poussay enters to the side.)

JONATHAN

Good evening. I’m Professor Jonathan Poussay and welcome to my webinar, How To Have Sex With Women, Chapter 12. Now that we have spent eleven chapters on grooming tips and conversation skills, it’s time we move to the most important stage – Closing The Deal.

PETER

Gosh, Suzy, I really have enjoyed getting to know you.

SUZY

Me, too, Peter. You know, my condo is right around the corner. Would you like to come over for a little tour?

PETER

Sure.

(They exit.)

JONATHAN (continuing)

It may seem indeed that Peter is on his way to have sex with a woman, but let’s see what’s really going to happen.

(Peter and Suzy run to the other side of the stage.)

SUZY

…That’s the utility closet where I keep all my utilities. And that’s the tour.

PETER

Nice place, Suzy.

SUZY

You should go now.

JONATHAN

Let’s try again….

(Suzy and Peter run back to the bar scene.)

JONATHAN

Let’s see what happens when Peter makes his intentions more clear.

PETER

It’s really been nice getting to know you, Suzy.

SUZY

I agree, Peter. You know, I just live around the corner, would you like to come over for a little tour.

PETER

Does the tour include the boudoir?

SUZY

We’ll see. If you’re good, it just might.

(They exit.)

JONATHAN

Peter is well on his way to having sexual intercourses with a woman. You’ll notice he playfully suggested the idea of sex with his “trip to the boudoir” reference. It wasn’t crass. It was suggestive while also being playful. And it gave Suzy an opportunity to let him now gracefully whether or not the tour would include an intimate tryst. Now, here’s what NOT to do.

(Suzy and Peter return to the bar.)

PETER

I have really enjoyed getting to know you, Suzy.

SUZY

Me, too, Peter. Hey, I just live around the corner. Would you like to come over for a little tour of my condo?

PETER

Does the tour include the inside of your pants? And by that I mean your vagina?

SUZY

Yes. It does!

(They exit.)

JONATHAN

That shouldn’t have worked.

SUZY (off)

I haven’t been laid in months! As long as he’s able to breathe and get an erection, he’s getting some.

JONATHAN

Clearly, we have no idea of what it takes to have sex with a woman. Or men, for that matter. Someone somewhere will want to do it with you, even if it’s out of desperation. Our only advice, just keep trying.

(Blackout)