Sunday, October 25, 2009

Week 40, Day 279 - "St. Drunken's Day"

“St. Drunken’s Day”

Written by Joe Janes

10/24/09

279 of 365

Cast:

Mr. Tippett, 40s

Chris, 20s

Levar, 20s

(Lights up on Mr. Tippett working at his desk Chris sticks his head in the door)

CHRIS

Levar said you wanted to see me, Mr. Tippett?

TIPPETT

Yes, Chris. Have a seat.

(Chris does as Mr. Tippett finishes up some work and picks up a file.)

CHRIS

I like that painting.

TIPPETT

Shut up, Chris.

CHRIS

Yes, Sir.

TIPPETT

I’ve been going over your record. Seems you had a few sick days this year.

CHRIS

Yes, Sir. But I’m pretty sure I’m within my allotment of company sick days.

TIPPETT

You are. But I just wanted to make sure we had them right. According to this, you called in sick February 17th, March 18th, May 6th, August18th and November 1st. Does that sound right?

CHRIS

Yeah, I think so.

TIPPETT

Do you remember what you had?

CHRIS

The flu, I think.

TIPPETT

Each time?

CHRIS

Something like that. Headachy, sweaty, some vomiting and diarrhea. Nothing you’d want me bringing to work. Is there a problem? I mean, I wash my hands and cover my mouth when I cough or sneeze, but you know how it is. Only so much you can do.

TIPPETT

I agree. But here’s the odd thing. You missed the same five dates last year. And the year before. And the year before that. How do you explain that?

CHRIS

Seasonal allergies?

TIPPETT

I think, and I’m just hypthothesizing, that these dates have something to do with them being the day after Mardis Gras, St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, your birthday and Halloween. That you may have, perhaps, not had the flu, but been massively hung over each time.

CHRIS

Well, I suppose I could have mistaken being hung over with having the flu. They are very similar.

TIPPETT

I’m not sure what to do here, Chris. Being hung over doesn’t constitute being incapacitated.

CHRIS

We should go out drinking some time.

TIPPETT

Are you Catholic?

CHRIS

No.

TIPPETT

Irish?

CHRIS

No.

TIPPETT

Hispanic.

CHRIS

I don’t think you are legally allowed to ask me these things.

TIPPETT

If you are celebrating these holidays because of religious or cultural purposes, I can look the other way.

CHRIS (in a bad Irish brogue)

Always after my lucky burritos…that Pope.

TIPPETT (sighs)

Do you have any ethnic or religious affiliation?

CHRIS

I’m just a white guy who uses any occasion as a flimsy excuse to drink. Heavily.

TIPPETT

Next year, you are not allowed to take any day off that follows after one of these holidays. Is that clear?

CHRIS

Yes, Mr. Tippett.

TIPPETT

You may go back to work.

(Lights flash, Chris exits, and we transition to sometime in the future. Tippett presses an intercom button.)

TIPPETT

Levar, can you send Chris in?

LEVAR (VO)

He called in sick, today, Mr. Tippett. Said he had the flu.

TIPPETT

Really? Okay. Thank you, Levar.

LEVAR (VO)

You’re welcome.

(Tippett thinks for a moment. He grabs his desk calendar and looks at yesterday.)

TRIPPLETT

What was yesterday…Mother’s Day?

(Cut to a drunken Chris wearing pearls like they were Mardi Gras beads.)

CHRIS

Whoo! Whoo! Yay, mothers! This brunch rocks! Go moms! Who wants imitation pearls? Hey, lady! Show me your stretch marks! Whoo! (He suppresses some nausea.) I feel sick.

(Blackout)

3 comments:

Chris Othic said...

Brilliant!

If you must know the truth, I have only taken two sick days in the last three years. But they were both for hangovers.

Maybe I'M Saint Drunken? Don't tell Nat.

Nat Topping said...

Hooray for St. Drunken's Day!!

(Also, the scene was funny)

Joe Janes said...

Thank you, gentlemen I must mention that this scene would not have occurred without having a post-RvD show conversation with Nat Topping and Chris Othic and being reminded of Nat's post earlier this year divulging the history of Saint Drunken. Huzzah!

http://ntopping.blogspot.com/search?q=St.+Drunken%27s+Day