Week 14, Day 96 - "UPS Sucks"

“UPS Sucks”
Written by Joe Janes
4/24/09
96 of 365

CAST:
Joe, 40s
Tanya, 30s

(Lights up on Joe, 40s, in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops, standing outside the gate of a courtyard apartment late on a Friday afternoon. He checks his watch and looks around. He sees someone coming. He pretends to just be hanging out waiting, looking at his Blackberry. Tanya, an out-of-shape UPS person, approaches the intercom near the front gate. She has a clipboard and a small package. She looks at the intercom system. She scribbles something onto a pad and puts a sticky label on intercom. She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TANYA

Yes?

JOE

Aren’t you going to even try the intercom to see if the person is home?

TANYA

They’re probably not. This is the second attempt. We tried
yesterday at the same time. They probably have a day job or something. Pretty standard. It’s an apartment building, not a business.

JOE

But you don’t know. You didn’t even try.

TANYA

Fine. I’ll try. (She looks at the intercom list, turned away from Joe, and presses the number for the deliveree. Through the system, we hear a phone ring. Joe’s phone rings.)

JOE (turning away from Tanya)

Hello?

TANYA

UPS.

JOE

About time.

(He presses a button on his phone that makes a loud buzzing sound at the gate. Tanya opens the gate and sets the package on the ground.)

TANYA

Guess you were right.

(She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

TANYA

I left the package. I’m done.

JOE

Don’t you think they might be waiting for you in their apartment? Aren’t you supposed to deliver it to their door?

TANYA

It’s late on a Friday afternoon. Traffic sucks. I have more deliveries.

JOE

All you did was set it inside the gate of the courtyard on the sidewalk. I could just reach in and grab it.

TANYA

That would be against the law.

JOE

Too bad sucking at your very simple job isn’t against the law. But, I guess neither of us will get caught. You’ll be off in your brown truck and I’ll be halfway down the street before this guy knows his package aint’ making it to his front door.

(Tanya presses buttons on the intercom, again. Joe’s phone rings and she sees it this time.)

TANYA

Hey, what are you trying to pull?

JOE

What are you trying to pull? I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day waiting for this goddamn package. It was supposed to be here by two. I haven’t even showered yet because I was afraid you might show up. (He picks it up through the gate.) I had to call customer service twice to get you to come back here because this morning you also only left that stupid sticky notice without trying the intercom.

TANYA

It’s just a stupid package. What could possibly be in there that’s so GD important? What is this precious thing that you summoned into your life to make your existence better? Let me guess. Porn? Something porn-related? Or is it, porn? Whatever it is, is it really worth waiting for?

JOE

You want to see what’s in here? I’ll show you. (Joe opens it and pulls out something that looks like an electric razor.)

TANYA

What the hell is that? A manly vibrator?

JOE

Nope. (Joe touches her with it and she falls to the ground twitching.) Tazer. And, yeah. That was worth waiting for.

(Joe steps over her shaking body and through the gate back towards his apartment. Lights out.)

First Video Contest Entry

Ron Morelli from Detroit has submitted a video of Pitch Bleak. The pacing is a little slow and the actors are clearly sneaking peeks at their lines, but there's some fun absurdist elements, such as the agent being portrayed by a house plant. Look for the brief cameo of a cat's tail!



The deadline for submitting a 365 video is Tuesday, April 28th at midnight central time. The winner will be announced the following day.

Week 14, Day 95 - "Crept Out"

“Crept Out”
Written by Joe Janes
4/23/09
95 of 365

CAST:
MAX, 30s
NATHAN, 20s
BLAINE, 30s

(Lights up on Nathan and Max working at their desks.)

MAX

So, they bring the meat right to your table and it’s on these swords.

NATHAN

Cooked?

MAX

Yeah, cooked. And all kinds, fillet mignon, steaks…steaks…all kinds.

NATHAN

Sounds like my kind of place.

(Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Max. Wanted to tell you good job on the Folger presentation. You looked good up there.

(Blaine smacks Max on the shoulder with the back of his hand and exits.)

MAX

Thanks, Blaine.

NATHAN

Congrats.

MAX

Yeah. Thanks.

(Max shakes his head and shivers a bit.)

NATHAN

What’s wrong?

MAX

Gay people creep me out.

NATHAN

Oh…. Are you talking about Blaine?

MAX

Yeah. The guy’s a total flame.

NATHAN

Really? I never noticed.

MAX

Well, you need to get your gay-dar fixed. That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass.

NATHAN

I don’t really think so.

(Blaine re-enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Nathan. Here are the press clippings from the Driscoll campaign. Don’t reference all of them. Just pick two or three of the best ones.

NATHAN

Sure thing, Blaine.

BLAINE

You’ll have that done…2-ish?

NATHAN

Shouldn’t be a problem.

BLAINE

Thanks.

(He exits. Max sits and nods at Nathan.)

MAX

See what I mean?

NATHAN

…No?

MAX

2-ish? Please.

NATHAN

He has a motorcycle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay man ride a motorcycle.

MAX

You have if you’ve seen Blaine on one.

NATHAN

He has a girlfriend.

MAX

Correction. He has a wife. And she’s preggers.

NATHAN

So, then, he’s probably not gay.

MAX

All that means is this… (He mimes stroking a beard.)

NATHAN

He’s wise?

MAX

No. It means his wife is a beard. A front. It’s all a ruse to hide his queertitude.

NATHAN

Max. I have to be honest. I really just don’t see it. But even if what you are saying is true… so, what?

MAX

So, nothing. Except when he looks at me like, well, the way I look at a sword full of meat.

NATHAN

But, I’ve never seen him do that.

MAX

All right. Time to open your eyes, Nathan. Call Blaine in here.

NATHAN

Okay. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Blaine. Nathan. Can you come here for a second? (Hangs up) He’s on his way.

(Max gets up. Bends over while opening the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

What’s up, Nathan?

NATHAN

Uh, Max, um…

MAX (still bending and pointing his behind in Blaine’s direction)

We were looking for the archival Driscoll material from a few years ago. Can’t seem to find it.

BLAINE

They’re probably not in there. I’ll have someone check in storage. Hey, are those Dockers?

MAX (righting himself, looks knowingly at Nathan)

Yes. I got them at Sears.

BLAINE

I like those. My wife won’t let me get them. Says they’re un-cool. Who cares, if they’re comfortable… Women.

(He exits.)

NATHAN

Oh, my God. You are so right. I couldn’t see it until you pointed it out to me. But, man, that was so obvious.

(They go back to work at their desks.)

MAX

Told ya’.

NATHAN

It does kind of creep me out, now.

MAX

Me, too.

(As Nathan continues to work, Max stares at him as if he wanted to gnaw on Nathan’s ass. Nathan’s feels Max’s eyes on him and turns to face Max. Max catches himself and goes back to work, as does Nathan.)

NATHAN

Meat on swords.

MAX

Yeah. Flame-broiled. Good stuff. I could swallow one of the swords whole. (Max steals a glance at Nathan. Lights fade.)

Week 14, Day 94 - "Queen of Bees"

“Queen of Bees”
Written by Joe Janes
4/22/09
94 of 365

CAST:
STANLEY, 30s
OLIVIA, 30s

(Lights up on Stanley outdoors in full beekeeper attire. He is doing something beekeepery with one of those wooden beehive crates full of drawers full of bees. Olivia enters. She wears a stylish wedding dress, carries a bouquet and also wears a beekeeper’s helmet.)

OLIVIA

Stanley.

STANLEY

Olivia. Oh. You look magnificent.

OLIVIA

I know.

STANLEY

Did you forget we were working in the beehives today?

OLIVIA

No, Stanley. I didn’t forget. I’m leaving you.

STANLEY

You’re leaving me? But I thought you were happy.

OLIVIA

You thought, but you didn’t ask. That’s the problem, Stanley. You never ask. You think that as long as I keep myself busy, I must be happy.

STANLEY

Aren’t you? Weren’t you?

OLIVIA

I thought I was. Until I went to the farmer’s market last weekend to sell our little pots of Stanley and Olivia’s Honey and Honey Accessories. There’s a new vendor that put up his tent and table next to ours. His name is Blake.

STANLEY

Blake Hanson?

OLIVIA

You know him.

STANLEY

He…He’s a florist.

OLIVIA (holding up bouquet)

He is.

STANLEY

Handsome, too.

OLIVIA

He has what I need.

(Olivia removes her beekeeper helmet, revealing bee-like antennae.)

STANLEY (removing helmet)

But, Olivia. All I’ve done, I’ve done for you. I’m allergic to bees.

OLIVIA

I know. And I appreciate all you have done. You served my needs well, but I don’t love you. I’m not sure I ever loved you. But I like you and will think fond things about you and speak of you kindly.

STANLEY

And I shall do the same. If anyone should ever ask me.

OLIVIA

Very well. I have to go. Blake and I are getting married.

STANLEY

I thought you didn’t want to ever get married.

OLIVIA

I thought so, too. Then I met Blake. Well, I suppose I’ll see you at the farmer’s market. I’ll be there with Blake.

STANLEY

See you then. Have a nice wedding.

OLIVIA

You, too. I mean, have a nice day. Good-bye, Stanley.

(She exits. Stanley kicks the beehive.)

STANLEY

Stupid bees.

(The bees stir and start to swarm around him and stinging him. He runs off yelling multiple “Ow’s!” Blackout.)

Week 14, Day 93 - "Off The Grid"

“Off The Grid”
Written by Joe Janes
4/21/09
93 of 365

CAST:
Donny, 50s
Joey, 40s

(Lights up on Donny pacing around a small motel room. He wears his coat. The only semblance of luggage is an overstuffed garbage bag. He has a gun in his hand. There’s a knock at the door. Donny walks over to it and listens. There’s another knock.)

DONNY (whispering)

Joey?

JOEY (off and also whispering)

Yeah?

(Donny quickly open unlatches the door and pulls Joey in. He checks the hall to make sure no one else is out there. Satisfied, he shuts and locks the door.)

JOEY

Nice motel. Do the cockroaches turn down the bed at night?

DONNY

No. But the rats leave a dropping on the pillow every morning.

JOEY

So, what was so important you couldn’t tell me over the phone?

DONNY

You can’t tell anyone. You hear me?

JOEY

Jesus, did you rob a bank? Who’d you kill?

DONNY

Me.

JOEY

You didn’t do a very good job. Want me to take a whack at it?

DONNY

Look. I need you. I want you to join me.

JOEY

Sit down. Your pacing is making me all nervous.

DONNY

I’m too worked up.

JOEY

Sit down and tell me what the heck is going on.

DONNY

I’m going off the grid.

JOEY

Oh. OH. I’m sorry. I see. How long have you been on “the grid”?

DONNY

I don’t know. Birth, maybe. When I was twelve and I got my social security number. I don’t know when it started.

JOEY

Well, don’t you worry. Big brother will take care of you.

DONNY

That’s exactly what I don’t want. That’s why I’m going off the grid. I don’t want to have anything to do with Big Brother.

JOEY

But…I’m your big brother. And I know a thing or two about this. I used to have a problem with nasal decongestants.

DONNY

I’m talking about the puppet masters. The people who put me on the grid and want to keep me there.

JOEY

This grid… do you snort it?

DONNY

You’re so wrapped up in it, you don’t even see it. The grid is the, uh, I don’t know what the grid is. I’m going off the radar.

JOEY

How many different drugs you taking?

DONNY

No, man. I’m going underground. I’m unplugging from the “world” as we know it. I tore up my social security card. I cashed out all my bank accounts. I cancelled all my utilities. I walked away from the house. I threw away most everything I own. All I have left is what’s in that garbage bag. As of this point, Donny Loomis, patsy of the government, no longer exists.

JOEY

You’re going to be homeless?

DONNY

Just the opposite. The world will be my home. Wherever I am, is my home. Home is no longer the address on my shredded driver’s license.

JOEY

How will you eat?

DONNY

You kidding me? This country throws away more food than all the third world countries in the world combined consume. You want dinner? I got dinner. There’s a garbage bin in the alley between the motel and Fried Foods and Sundries. (He opens his garbage bag and pulls out a smaller paper bag.) I got pizza crusts, half a can of RC, a bag of perfectly good, albeit cracked, taco shells, some hot sauce packets, some deodorant samples.

JOEY

Jesus, Donny. I don’t know what to make of this. What the hell happened? You lose your job or something? Give me a deodorant sample.

(He does. Joey uses it.)

DONNY

I woke up. And I suggest you do the same. They’ve got your hooks in you and you don’t even realize it. It’s dragging you down and you don’t even realize it. You’re a frog and you’re boiling.

JOEY

Hey!

DONNY

What?

JOEY

Don’t call me a boiling frog. I don’t think that’s very nice.

DONNY

I’m just saying, one day I’m sitting at my desk, paying bill after bill after bill and for what? Is that what the rest of my life is going to be about. Rolling a boulder up a god dam hill until I croak and it rolls over me on its way back down? No way. No more. I’m tired of being just a tiny ass cog in the machine. A machine that doesn’t care if I’m happy. It just wants me to be docile. It wants me to drink and watch TV and barely make ends meet. Keeping me miserable keeps the fat cats fat. No more. I quit everything. Fuck you government. Fuck you world. (He opens the door) You hear me? I said fuck you, world!

(Far offstage we hear “Fuck you, too, asshole!” Donny closes the door.)

DONNY (continuing)

You’ve got to join me, Joey. They’re out to get you, man. This is a revolt. This is what they don’t want any of us to do. Get rid of everything.

JOEY

Wow. I don’t think I can get rid of my stuff. I just bought a new couch. I love that couch.

DONNY

They want you to love that couch. They want you to sit on your ass all day at work and all night at home. That way you don’t make any trouble.

JOEY

Who’s this “they” you keep talking about?

DONNY

You know, they. Undisclosed location "they." Wire-tapping they. Bailouts and bonuses "they." They’re everywhere. But strip yourself of all the things they use to ID you, they can’t find you. You become invisible to them. I may no longer be Donny Loomis, but I’ll tell you what I am. A man.

(Joey stands up and hugs Donny)

JOEY

I’ll do it! I’m jumping off the grid!

DONNY

I’m proud of you.

(“Dancing Queen” by ABBA is heard. Joey takes his cell phone out of his pocket.)

JOEY

Oh, that’s me. I don’t recognize that number? Hello?

(Donny grabs the phone and begins to smash it on the floor with the butt of his handgun.)

DONNY

I told you not to bring your phone! These things have GPS trackers in them. You idiot!

JOEY

Hey! I still have free minutes left!

(Outside, loud fire truck sirens are heard coming toward the motel. The two stop to listen. A helicopter is heard.)

JOEY

What do we do now, Donny? What do we do?

DONNY

I guess we see what’s on TV.

(They sit on the floor. Donny grabs a nearby remote and turns on the motel room TV. We hear the theme song to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Donny extends his arm and keeps the gun pointed at the door as they enjoy the wacky comedy antics of a young Will Smith. Sirens and helicopters get louder. Lights fade.)

Week 14, Day 92 - "Searching for Joss Whedon"

“Searching for Joss Whedon”
Written by Joe Janes
4/20/09
92 of 365

CAST
SERGIO, 20s
KENDRA, teens
SUPERHERO SERGIO, 20s
PHILLIP, 30s
TAWNY, 30s
DR. DAMNABLE, 50s

(Lights up on a comic book store. Sergio works behind the counter. Kendra is buying a stack of comic books.)

KENDRA

Hi, Sergio. How’s it going?

SERGIO

“It” isn’t, but I am. I am going, soon, because I am going to be a millionaire.

KENDRA

That’s great. I never knew a millionaire before.

SERGIO

Kendra, I have worked at this store for five years. I see the comic books that come in and out. I have seen the best sellers, I have seen the stinkers. I have kept a sharp eye.

KENDRA

And that makes you a millionaire?

SERGIO

It will. Soon, I will be as rich as all the comic book writers you see on these racks. Because I have created my own comic book character.

(In the background, their stories are acted out.)

KENDRA

Is he a superhero named Sergio? (Kendra’s superhero appears
in standard hero pose, wind blowing his cape.) I bet he’s tall, muscular, and devilishly handsome. Able to blind purveyors of injustice with just his smile.

SERGIO

Actually, he’s a zombie. (A zombie appears behind the superhero and bites the superhero in the ear.)

KENDRA

Zombies aren’t superheroes.

SERGIO

But he’s a good zombie. (The zombie stops when he hears this and throws the superhero’s body offstage, taking over the hero pose.)

KENDRA

Zombies are inherently not good, Sergio.

SERGIO

This one is. That’s what makes it unique. His name is Phillip. Phillip is a zombie that feels remorse. He accidentally ate his girlfriend and feels bad about it. He vows never to eat another human. Not even bad guys, unless he really has to. He only eats cats.

KENDRA

Like ALF!

SERGIO

I might rethink that.

KENDRA (excited)

Is he one of those speedy zombies?

SERGIO

Don’t insult me. Of course, he isn’t.

KENDRA

Then how does he catch bad guys?

SERGIO

He works with the police. A lady detective named-

KENDRA

Kendra?

SERGIO

Tawny. Tawny McCougar. (Tawny appears next to Phillip. She also strikes the hands-on-hips hero pose.)

KENDRA

She’s hot, isn’t she? Women named Tawny are always hot.

SERGIO

Women named Tawny are always hot. But I think we can all agree, they don’t age well. And she knows this. It comes in to play later.

KENDRA

And she’s in love with Phillip! I just knew it.

SERGIO

Not a first. At first, she hates Phillip. They argue a lot because he’s a zombie. And zombies ate her parents. So, they don’t get along at all. Until Phillip saves her life.

KENDRA

How does he save her life? Please tell me, please.

SERGIO

Only if you promise me you’ll still buy the comic book when it comes out.

KENDRA

I promise, I swear.

SERGIO

The bad guy – an evil scientist named Dr. Damnable, Dr. Drake Damnable, who’s actually the cause of all the zombiness - kidnaps Tawny. She’s tied to a chair. (Dr. Damnable comes out and ties Tawny to a chair.) Phillip, who has sworn not to eat or infect another human being, comes in and knocks Dr. Damnable out with a croquet mallet. (Phillip whacks Dr. Damnable in the head. The doctor spins off stage.)

KENDRA

Okay. Why a croquet mallet?

SERGIO

Duh – because Damable’s evil lair is underneath a recreational lawn sports store. Damnable’s Lawn and Garden Games.

KENDRA

I think horseshoes would be better. Or a tetherball. What’s a garden game?

SERGIO

He uses a croquet mallet. Period. Sheesh. We’re done here. Take your inferior melancholy vampire books and hit the road, already.

KENDRA

No, please. I really want to know what happens next. I promise I’ll buy all the issues of “Phillip the Zombie” and the graphic novel.

SERGIO

I will make you sign a paper saying you said that. However, it’s not “Phillip the Zombie.” It’s called “Zombie Process,” get it?

KENDRA

Yes. No. Maybe. But, probably not.

SERGIO

Before Phillip became a zombie, he worked IT at a big computer company. A zombie process is a Unix process that has terminated and whose parent process has not yet received notification of its termination by executing the wait system call. See? It’s brilliant because it works on so many effing levels. It’s like irony. Sorry, I said “effing.”

KENDRA

S’okay. So, Tawny falls in love with Phillip because he saves her from Dr. Damnable.

SERGIO

No. Not just. It’s because he was alone in a room with her where she was tied to a chair. He could have eaten her. Easy pickings for a hungry zombie. But instead, he unties her and frees her.

KENDRA

That’s so romantic.

SERGIO

Well, I want girls like you to buy the comic book, too.

KENDRA

I would totally buy “Zombie Process.”

SERGIO

And I have the story lines plotted out for the next ten years. In year four, Tawny realizes she’s getting older and wants Phillip to turn her into a zombie so she’ll stop aging.

KENDRA

Oh. But won’t she then start rotting?

SERGIO

Not if she lives with Phillip in his customized walk-in meat cooler. But that doesn’t happen until year seven. Phillip breaks up with her to keep himself from succumbing to her will. (Phillips points off, kicking Tawny out, and she walks off.)

KENDRA

Man, I wish I was as smart and creative and handsome as you, Sergio. When does the book come out?

SERGIO

Oh, you know. I’m shopping it around, right now. If I don’t get an offer I like, I might just publish it myself. Keep all the profits all to myself.

KENDRA

Well, I’ll keep looking for it on the shelves. (Sergio hands Kendra her bagged comics)

SERGIO

You do that. It’s going to be big. Action figures. Movies. Animated series. A good one. Not crap.

KENDRA

See you next Saturday.

(She exits. Sergio grabs a stack of comic books and walks off to the back of the store. Phillip is still standing alone. The superhero, now a zombie, comes back out and attacks Phillip from behind, biting into his shoulder. Blackout.)

Week 13, Day 91 - “A Friend In The End”

“A Friend In The End”
Written by Joe Janes
4/19/09
91 of 365

CAST:
HANDSOME MAN, 30’s
CAROLINE, 80’s
GENE, 30’S
TERRY, 20’S
2 MEN IN COVERALLS

(Scene opens on the Handsome Man near Caroline’s bedside. She is ill, but this is not a hospital bed. It is a lush bedroom, perhaps in a mansion. She wears a crushed velvet dress and has long gray hair. She is very frail. The Handsome Man appears to be in his 30’s, fit, healthy and well dressed.)

HANDSOME MAN

Caroline. I have brought your favorite book to read.

CAROLINE

Hold my hand.

HANDSOME MAN

Of course.

(They do and they sit quietly for a moment.)

CAROLINE

Do you remember that time in Africa?

HANDSOME MAN

Yes. I do. We had that incompetent guide who tried to lead us across a river.

CAROLINE

I missed jumping on to that rock and fell.

HANDSOME MAN

I had to run along the riverbank to grab you and pull you out.

CAROLINE

You were always there for me.

HANDSOME MAN

You weren’t in any real danger.

CAROLINE

Let me see your face, again.

(The Handsome Man turns his head towards her. She lifts her hand and touches his cheek.)

CAROLINE (continuing)

I don’t expect that.

HANDSOME MAN

What’s that?

CAROLINE

The coldness.

HANDSOME MAN

I’m sorry.

CAROLINE

It’s not your fault.

HANDSOME MAN

I’m going to miss you.

CAROLINE

I’m not buying that. You’ll forget about me.

HANDSOME MAN

No. I don’t think so. Even if I did, there would be an empty spot in my memory. I would know you were there. That something was there. Something special.

CAROLINE

That spoils the dream, though, doesn’t it?

HANDSOME MAN

The dream?

CAROLINE

Dream that I am young.

HANDSOME MAN

Perhaps another time.

CAROLINE

Dream that I am young and hold me.

(The Handsome Man holds Caroline for a moment. It is very tender. He notices something about her. He lies her back down. There is an echoing “clack” sound as harsh overhead lights flick on. Two men in coveralls enter and place Caroline in a body bag. They remove her as the rest of the scene plays out. A man, Terry, and a woman, Gene, in lab coats, enter. They walk over to the Handsome Man.)

GENE

Heartbreaking, ain’t it, kid.

TERRY

Ever get used to that?

GENE AND HANDSOME MAN

No.

GENE

He was talking to me. ...Help me with the faceplate. It needs to be a long lost girlfriend by 5 o’clock.

(She takes the remote control she’s holding and clicks it at the Handsome Man. He quickly “shuts off,” tilting his head back. Gene shows Terry how to remove the Handsome Man’s face as lights fade to black.)