Week 15, Day 99 - "John Irvingness"

“John Irvingness”
Written by Joe Janes
4/27/09
99 of 365

CAST
CASEY, 40
MIRIAM, 30s
JAKE, 50s
NANCY, 60s
ALEX, 20s

(Lights up on Casey sitting at a table by himself with a stack of books. He takes one of the books and opens it up to a bookmarked page. He clears his throat and begins to read to the audience. The other characters are among the audience members in the house.)

CASEY

Rose was a magical waif of a teenaged girl who liked to dress up in a squirrel costume nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Year round. Nigh on a decade. She only removed the tail to take care of business in the bathroom. She sometimes removed the head to help facilitate eating and drinking, of which she did very little, save for apples and apple juice. She loved apples. Red, shiny apples. She only removed the costume entirely when she bathed, which was not on any regular schedule, but only at the insistence of her close-quartered family about once a month. She would remove the body of the suit when she wrestled in her BVD underwear, but kept the head on for its protective qualities in the ring. One wrestler, Craig Pincers of Danbury High, once got Rose in the nearly impenetrable Wasserman Hook Hold which had the ill-effect, for Rose, of popping off her squirrel facial façade like a champagne cork. Locked in a tight embrace, their eyes met, Rose’s frozen in fear, Craig’s heated and laser-like. They held each other frozen in time until Craig quickly and suddenly and shamefully broke free once he became aware that his athletic cup was becoming filled with firm Craigness.

(Satisfied. He takes in a pause and sets the book down.)

CRAIG (Continuing)

And that, my friends, is from Chapter Three of my latest novel, Scurrying to Live by Casey P. Adams. Does anyone have any questions or comments?

MIRIAM

You say this is your latest novel?

CASEY

Indeed, it is.

MIRIAM

How many other novels have you written?

CASEY

This is my fifth novel.

MIRIAM

I tried to find-

CASEY

This is my first published novel, Miriam Tobin from the Orlando Times. Available only here. At Borders.

MIRIAM

I see.

CASEY

Any other questions?

JAKE

Do I need a token for the bathroom?

CASEY

Ha! I wouldn’t know that. You’ll have to ask one of the employees here.

NANCY

Casey, I have a question. Rose likes to dress like a squirrel yet her favorite thing to eat is an apple. Seems odd, for a squirrel.

CASEY

I haven’t heard a question, yet.

NANCY

Well, why apples? Why not nuts?

CASEY

Ooh, two questions for the price of one. I’ll tell you. Apples are more romantic. They are red, round, smooth, firm, shiny and… forbidden. Delicious stuff. I spend twenty pages of chapter eight just describing the apples sitting in a bowl in Rose’s room. It’s a metaphor for fruit. Whereas nuts, I concede, may be more apropos for a squirrel, but describing them is absolutely no fun once you have it stuck in your head that they all look like scrota.

NANCY

Scrota?

CASEY

The plural of scrotum.

JAKE

Is today the day I can get 10% off all the books on the first floor.

CASEY

I wouldn’t know. Maybe. Not this one, though. This is only available full price. $25. Cash.

MIRIAM

I see in your press release that you are often compared to John Irving.

CASEY

That is true. Just like Irving, I often will go on and on and on about the littlest things. I am not afraid to boldly delve into the minutia and mine it for what it has to say about us, about life.

MIRIAM

And Casey, who, exactly, compares you to John Irving?

CASEY

Many people. People who have read my books.

MIRIAM

And since four of those books have yet to be published and this one just came out thanks to (She reads the inside of her copy) CaseyCo Books, who are these people?

CASEY

They-

MIRIAM

Other than friends and family.

CASEY

It’s not family, believe me. I have loyal readers. Prior to publishing this hard copy of my book, excerpts did appear on-line on my professional website “Casey P. Adams, author.”

MIRIAM

What’s the URL for that?

CASEY

www.theworldaccordingtocasey.blogger.com.

MIRIAM

I see.

JAKE

Anybody can compare themselves to someone else. People compare me to Dick Cavett all the time. Penis size and everything.

NANCY

Me, too!

CASEY

Let me know when your review comes out, Miriam. I’d love to have a quote from you on my website.

MIRIAM

You may not after I write it.

CASEY

Any other questions? If not, I’d like to read thirty pages from chapter sixty-three where Rose ponders her reflection in a puddle at the base of a tree sans squirrel head.

(People start mumbling excuses and getting up.)

ALEX (from the far back)

I have a question. What do you do for a living?

CASEY

I am an author, clearly.

ALEX

You make a living doing this?

CASEY

I, well, I also work in the industry.

ALEX

Really?

CASEY

Yes. It is an industry-related position.

ALEX

Then why aren’t you behind the counter doing it, right now, Mr. Adams?

CASEY

Mr. Thomerson! I-I didn’t recognize you, at first. I thought you were off today.

JAKE

I knew it! That guy owes me a coupon for free coffee. He failed to smile and give me my receipt last week.

CASEY

That’s not store policy!

JAKE

Is, too!

CASEY

What do you know? You’re a homeless person.

JAKE

Hey! I am a not-quite-homeless person.

MIRIAM

I knew you weren’t legit.

NANCY

Of course not. He doesn’t know nuts about squirrels.

CASEY

I am a Borders sales associate and very happy with my job here, Mr. Thomerson.

ALEX

Then why in hell are you trying to pass yourself off as a published author?

CASEY

I clocked out.

ALEX

That didn’t answer my question

CASEY

It’s my birthday, Mr. Thomerson. My 40th birthday. My dream is to be a published author who does book signings for all his fans. I just wanted to live my dream.

ALEX

Working at a bookstore doesn’t make you an author. If you want us to sell your book, you’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way.

CASEY

I’ve tried that. No one will publish it.

ALEX

Well, until someone does, we don’t sell your book here. How many copies do you have?

CASEY

Just these five here. And about a hundred in the trunk of my Aztec.

ALEX

The book signing’s over. Time to get back to work, Mr. Adams. Oh, and happy birthday. Get yourself a free “day old” dessert from the café.

(Casey gets up, picking up his books.)

CASEY

Sure thing, Mr. Thomerson. I just need to go to the bathroom for a few minutes to, uh, collect myself.

JAKE

Here. You’ll need a token.

(Blackout)

Week 14, Day 98 - “Bonuses"

“Bonus”
Written by Joe Janes
4/26/09
98 of 365

CAST:
Mandy, 30s
Tyrell, 30s
Ed, 30s

(Lights up on three office workers. Mandy is handing out envelopes to the other two and holds one herself.)

MANDY

Don’t get your hopes up, everyone. They cut back on bonuses this year.

TYRELL

That sucks. We worked extra hard to make less this year.

ED

We kept the company afloat. We should get more. (They open their envelopes.) So, what’d everybody get?

TYRELL

A fifty-dollar bill.

MANDY AND ED

Ooh. Ouch. That hurts, etc.

ED (looks in envelope)

Don’t feel bad. All I got was a two dollar bill and someone wrote “Happy Birthday, Billy” on it in ballpoint pen.

MANDY AND ED

That’s pretty bad,Ed. Yikes, etc.

MANDY (looks in envelope)

Well, you all made out better than me. All I got was a free month of Netflix. It sucks being the CEO.

(Blackout)

Week 14, Day 97 - “Walter Goldstein, Angry Hip-Hop Poet”

“Walter Goldstein, Angry Hip-Hop Poet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/25/09
97 of 365

CAST:
Jenny, 20s
Walter, 20s

(Lights up on Jenny, dark clothes and glasses, at a microphone.)

JENNY

Welcome, everyone, to the Surge for Global Peace. Thanks for coming out and fighting for the end of violence on our planet. In the back, my mom made falafels. Hi, Mom. Help yourself, but please only take one until we know if we have enough for everyone to have two. We have lots of performers and lecturers here today. First up, is a well-known hip hop poet, and my boyfriend, please put your hands together, for Walter Goldstein!

(Walter comes on stage. He is a white guy with white guy dreadlocks and he looks angry. He and Jenny kiss passionately. She exits. Walter grabs the microphone from the stand.)

WALTER (still angry)

What’s up, SGP? I am Walter Goldstein, hip-hop poet. And I come with a message of both peace and love. Here is a poem I wrote just for this event. It’s called “Message of Both Peace and Love.”

Welcome y’all to the Surge for Global Peace,
Roll up your world sleeves, give some elbow grease,
Time for us to start use some violence,
Show these idjits that they are just real dense,
Fighting for peace with my army of love,
My bombs ‘splode with the shrapnel of a dove.
The piece I carry is a piece of peace,
Shoot slugs of friendship into your face…feece
I don’t do drugs for I am high on life,
Get me to rehab, I’m high as a kite.
Won’t stop fighting till there’s tranquility,
Fists of peace pummel possibility,
High speed Peace Trains are coming down the tracks,
Splitting cows of war just like it was an ax,

Who wants hamburger?

I love you, daddy.

Peace in.

(He drops the mic and exits. Blackout.)

Week 14, Day 96 - "UPS Sucks"

“UPS Sucks”
Written by Joe Janes
4/24/09
96 of 365

CAST:
Joe, 40s
Tanya, 30s

(Lights up on Joe, 40s, in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops, standing outside the gate of a courtyard apartment late on a Friday afternoon. He checks his watch and looks around. He sees someone coming. He pretends to just be hanging out waiting, looking at his Blackberry. Tanya, an out-of-shape UPS person, approaches the intercom near the front gate. She has a clipboard and a small package. She looks at the intercom system. She scribbles something onto a pad and puts a sticky label on intercom. She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TANYA

Yes?

JOE

Aren’t you going to even try the intercom to see if the person is home?

TANYA

They’re probably not. This is the second attempt. We tried
yesterday at the same time. They probably have a day job or something. Pretty standard. It’s an apartment building, not a business.

JOE

But you don’t know. You didn’t even try.

TANYA

Fine. I’ll try. (She looks at the intercom list, turned away from Joe, and presses the number for the deliveree. Through the system, we hear a phone ring. Joe’s phone rings.)

JOE (turning away from Tanya)

Hello?

TANYA

UPS.

JOE

About time.

(He presses a button on his phone that makes a loud buzzing sound at the gate. Tanya opens the gate and sets the package on the ground.)

TANYA

Guess you were right.

(She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

TANYA

I left the package. I’m done.

JOE

Don’t you think they might be waiting for you in their apartment? Aren’t you supposed to deliver it to their door?

TANYA

It’s late on a Friday afternoon. Traffic sucks. I have more deliveries.

JOE

All you did was set it inside the gate of the courtyard on the sidewalk. I could just reach in and grab it.

TANYA

That would be against the law.

JOE

Too bad sucking at your very simple job isn’t against the law. But, I guess neither of us will get caught. You’ll be off in your brown truck and I’ll be halfway down the street before this guy knows his package aint’ making it to his front door.

(Tanya presses buttons on the intercom, again. Joe’s phone rings and she sees it this time.)

TANYA

Hey, what are you trying to pull?

JOE

What are you trying to pull? I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day waiting for this goddamn package. It was supposed to be here by two. I haven’t even showered yet because I was afraid you might show up. (He picks it up through the gate.) I had to call customer service twice to get you to come back here because this morning you also only left that stupid sticky notice without trying the intercom.

TANYA

It’s just a stupid package. What could possibly be in there that’s so GD important? What is this precious thing that you summoned into your life to make your existence better? Let me guess. Porn? Something porn-related? Or is it, porn? Whatever it is, is it really worth waiting for?

JOE

You want to see what’s in here? I’ll show you. (Joe opens it and pulls out something that looks like an electric razor.)

TANYA

What the hell is that? A manly vibrator?

JOE

Nope. (Joe touches her with it and she falls to the ground twitching.) Tazer. And, yeah. That was worth waiting for.

(Joe steps over her shaking body and through the gate back towards his apartment. Lights out.)

First Video Contest Entry

Ron Morelli from Detroit has submitted a video of Pitch Bleak. The pacing is a little slow and the actors are clearly sneaking peeks at their lines, but there's some fun absurdist elements, such as the agent being portrayed by a house plant. Look for the brief cameo of a cat's tail!



The deadline for submitting a 365 video is Tuesday, April 28th at midnight central time. The winner will be announced the following day.

Week 14, Day 95 - "Crept Out"

“Crept Out”
Written by Joe Janes
4/23/09
95 of 365

CAST:
MAX, 30s
NATHAN, 20s
BLAINE, 30s

(Lights up on Nathan and Max working at their desks.)

MAX

So, they bring the meat right to your table and it’s on these swords.

NATHAN

Cooked?

MAX

Yeah, cooked. And all kinds, fillet mignon, steaks…steaks…all kinds.

NATHAN

Sounds like my kind of place.

(Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Max. Wanted to tell you good job on the Folger presentation. You looked good up there.

(Blaine smacks Max on the shoulder with the back of his hand and exits.)

MAX

Thanks, Blaine.

NATHAN

Congrats.

MAX

Yeah. Thanks.

(Max shakes his head and shivers a bit.)

NATHAN

What’s wrong?

MAX

Gay people creep me out.

NATHAN

Oh…. Are you talking about Blaine?

MAX

Yeah. The guy’s a total flame.

NATHAN

Really? I never noticed.

MAX

Well, you need to get your gay-dar fixed. That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass.

NATHAN

I don’t really think so.

(Blaine re-enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Nathan. Here are the press clippings from the Driscoll campaign. Don’t reference all of them. Just pick two or three of the best ones.

NATHAN

Sure thing, Blaine.

BLAINE

You’ll have that done…2-ish?

NATHAN

Shouldn’t be a problem.

BLAINE

Thanks.

(He exits. Max sits and nods at Nathan.)

MAX

See what I mean?

NATHAN

…No?

MAX

2-ish? Please.

NATHAN

He has a motorcycle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay man ride a motorcycle.

MAX

You have if you’ve seen Blaine on one.

NATHAN

He has a girlfriend.

MAX

Correction. He has a wife. And she’s preggers.

NATHAN

So, then, he’s probably not gay.

MAX

All that means is this… (He mimes stroking a beard.)

NATHAN

He’s wise?

MAX

No. It means his wife is a beard. A front. It’s all a ruse to hide his queertitude.

NATHAN

Max. I have to be honest. I really just don’t see it. But even if what you are saying is true… so, what?

MAX

So, nothing. Except when he looks at me like, well, the way I look at a sword full of meat.

NATHAN

But, I’ve never seen him do that.

MAX

All right. Time to open your eyes, Nathan. Call Blaine in here.

NATHAN

Okay. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Blaine. Nathan. Can you come here for a second? (Hangs up) He’s on his way.

(Max gets up. Bends over while opening the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

What’s up, Nathan?

NATHAN

Uh, Max, um…

MAX (still bending and pointing his behind in Blaine’s direction)

We were looking for the archival Driscoll material from a few years ago. Can’t seem to find it.

BLAINE

They’re probably not in there. I’ll have someone check in storage. Hey, are those Dockers?

MAX (righting himself, looks knowingly at Nathan)

Yes. I got them at Sears.

BLAINE

I like those. My wife won’t let me get them. Says they’re un-cool. Who cares, if they’re comfortable… Women.

(He exits.)

NATHAN

Oh, my God. You are so right. I couldn’t see it until you pointed it out to me. But, man, that was so obvious.

(They go back to work at their desks.)

MAX

Told ya’.

NATHAN

It does kind of creep me out, now.

MAX

Me, too.

(As Nathan continues to work, Max stares at him as if he wanted to gnaw on Nathan’s ass. Nathan’s feels Max’s eyes on him and turns to face Max. Max catches himself and goes back to work, as does Nathan.)

NATHAN

Meat on swords.

MAX

Yeah. Flame-broiled. Good stuff. I could swallow one of the swords whole. (Max steals a glance at Nathan. Lights fade.)

Week 14, Day 94 - "Queen of Bees"

“Queen of Bees”
Written by Joe Janes
4/22/09
94 of 365

CAST:
STANLEY, 30s
OLIVIA, 30s

(Lights up on Stanley outdoors in full beekeeper attire. He is doing something beekeepery with one of those wooden beehive crates full of drawers full of bees. Olivia enters. She wears a stylish wedding dress, carries a bouquet and also wears a beekeeper’s helmet.)

OLIVIA

Stanley.

STANLEY

Olivia. Oh. You look magnificent.

OLIVIA

I know.

STANLEY

Did you forget we were working in the beehives today?

OLIVIA

No, Stanley. I didn’t forget. I’m leaving you.

STANLEY

You’re leaving me? But I thought you were happy.

OLIVIA

You thought, but you didn’t ask. That’s the problem, Stanley. You never ask. You think that as long as I keep myself busy, I must be happy.

STANLEY

Aren’t you? Weren’t you?

OLIVIA

I thought I was. Until I went to the farmer’s market last weekend to sell our little pots of Stanley and Olivia’s Honey and Honey Accessories. There’s a new vendor that put up his tent and table next to ours. His name is Blake.

STANLEY

Blake Hanson?

OLIVIA

You know him.

STANLEY

He…He’s a florist.

OLIVIA (holding up bouquet)

He is.

STANLEY

Handsome, too.

OLIVIA

He has what I need.

(Olivia removes her beekeeper helmet, revealing bee-like antennae.)

STANLEY (removing helmet)

But, Olivia. All I’ve done, I’ve done for you. I’m allergic to bees.

OLIVIA

I know. And I appreciate all you have done. You served my needs well, but I don’t love you. I’m not sure I ever loved you. But I like you and will think fond things about you and speak of you kindly.

STANLEY

And I shall do the same. If anyone should ever ask me.

OLIVIA

Very well. I have to go. Blake and I are getting married.

STANLEY

I thought you didn’t want to ever get married.

OLIVIA

I thought so, too. Then I met Blake. Well, I suppose I’ll see you at the farmer’s market. I’ll be there with Blake.

STANLEY

See you then. Have a nice wedding.

OLIVIA

You, too. I mean, have a nice day. Good-bye, Stanley.

(She exits. Stanley kicks the beehive.)

STANLEY

Stupid bees.

(The bees stir and start to swarm around him and stinging him. He runs off yelling multiple “Ow’s!” Blackout.)