Week 34, Day 237 - “Gary's Got A Problem”

“Gary’s Got A Problem”

Written by Joe Janes

9/12/09

237 of 365

CAST

Gary, 40s

Kelly, 40s

(Lights up on Gary and Kelly in Kelly’s living room. Kelly sits looking sad, Gary has his back turned and is looking out the window.)

GARY

I hope you understand, Kelly. I’m really not very good at this part. I never know what to say and I always feel like I’m being such a, whatever. But I have to be honest with my feelings. I think you’re great. I like everything about you. But I think it would be a good idea for us to move on and date other people. I hope you understand. (He turns and faces her.) I just don’t feel the same way about you as you do me.

GARY

Yes. I’ve thought about it long and hard.

KELLY

I can tell.

GARY

It’s what I think is best for us. It’s what I want to do.

KELLY

Um, Gary.

GARY

Yes?

KELLY

Then why do you have a boner?

GARY

Oh, geesh!

(He quickly sits and puts his jacket over his lap.)

GARY (continuing)

What the hell, Kelly? When were you going to tell me?

KELLY

I just noticed. And don’t snap at me. You’re the one sporting wood while breaking up with me.

GARY

This is so embarrassing.

KELLY

Are you sure you want to break up with me?

GARY

You know what I mean.

KELLY

Sure, sure. It happens. I’m more into you than you are into me. It sucks, but it happens.

GARY

Exactly.

KELLY

Except, I’m not the one with the boner.

GARY

I don’t know why it’s doing that.

KELLY

Maybe you don’t really know how you feel.

GARY

I’m sure. I’m sure. I’m pretty sure.

KELLY

Your body seems…conflicted.

GARY

My penis apparently missed the meeting I was having with my brain about this.

KELLY

Did you take some Viagra?

GARY

You know I don’t do that. Or need to.

KELLY

Well, if you’re still breaking up with me, then, I guess you should go.

GARY

Do you mind if I sit for a moment?

KELLY

I’m going to bed. If we were still a couple and you wanted to do something about your situation, I’d stay up.

GARY

Could we reschedule our break-up for tomorrow?

KELLY

I work tomorrow.

GARY

I could break-up with you before you leave.

KELLY

Sleep with me and then break up with me. Tacky.

GARY

You’re right. Well, um…(looks under jacket) Wish I didn’t have to take the train home.

KELLY

I could call you a cab.

GARY

I still have to get from here to the cab in the street. (Looks at watch) I should have broken up with you later. (Takes a few deep breaths.)

KELLY

What are you doing?

GARY

Trying to relax.

KELLY

Is it working?

GARY

I think I made it worse. I shouldn’t wear boxers. That’s what it is. This always happens when I wear boxers. Too loose and rubby.

KELLY

Gary. (She gets up.) I’m going to bed. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. Let yourself out when you’re ready. I hope you and your penis have a nice life together.

(She exits.)

GARY

I’m not dating my penis!

(Lights fade.)

Week 34, Day 236 - “A Penny Saved”

“A Penny Saved”

Written by Joe Janes

9/11/09

236 of 365

CAST

John, 20s

Linda, 20s

Karen, 40s

Ted, 50s

Janice, 30s

(Lights up on John and Linda walking holding hands along an urban street.)

JOHN

I love having the afternoon off.

LINDA

Me, too. I wish we could afford a whole weekend getaway.

JOHN

Well, we might just be a small step closer to fulfilling your wish. Look. A penny.

(John bends to pick it up, Linda stops him.)

LINDA

No, don’t.

JOHN

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll have good luck.

LINDA

Not when it’s tails up.

JOHN

What does that matter? A penny’s a penny.

LINDA

Heads up is good luck. Tails up is bad luck. John, really, let’s keep walking.

JOHN

We’re just talking about a penny. The lowest coin on the currency food chain doesn’t get to determine my good or bad fortune. At the very least, it’s good luck, because I’ll be a penny richer than I was before. It’s not much, but it’s a point in the right direction.

LINDA

My mom always told me upside down pennies are a message from someone from the spirit world. Like a dead grandma or something. Heads up means they are with you and looking out for you. Heads down, and they have an issue with you.

JOHN

Are you saying my dead grandmother has a problem with me?

LINDA

Maybe? I never met her.

JOHN

Maybe her problem is with you?

LINDA

Why would your dead grandmother have a problem with me? I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

JOHN

So you say. Maybe there’s something you’re not telling me. I pick up the penny, I’ll find out about it and be devastated, but if I don’t pick up the penny, I may never find out.

LINDA

That’s ridiculous. It is, as you said, just a penny. We could walk away from it. Who cares about being a penny richer?

(Karen, a homeless person, walks up to them.)

KAREN

Excuse me. I lost my job and am homeless. Can you help me out? I’m trying to get something to eat.

LINDA

There’s a penny here on the sidewalk.

(Karen shrugs and picks it up. Ted, a well-dressed businessman enters followed by Janice, his assistant.

TED

Excuse me. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I really need a penny. I don’t carry any cash, coins, especially, offend the lining of my pockets, and I just made a bet with another playboy billionaire about whether or not a pigeon in the street would actually peck at the remains of a car-flattened dead pigeon. It did, the filthy cannibal. So, I owe him a penny. If I don’t pay up in the next five minutes, as per our rules, the debt goes up to a million. I know, I know, boys will be boys, right? So, any way, if you have a penny, I will gladly have my secretary write you a check for one thousand dollars.

KAREN

Here you go.

(Karen hands Ted a penny, Janice hands Karen a check for one thousand dollars.)

JANICE

It’s made out to “cash.”

TED (kisses Karen)

Thank you. You have made my day!

KAREN

You made mine, too.

(Ted and Janice exit. Karen turns and smiles at John and Linda.)

KAREN (continuing)

Thanks for the penny.

(She exits. John looks at Karen.)

JOHN

My dead grandmother was right about you.

(He exits. Blackout)

Hawkeye's Voice

“Today's audience knows more about what's on television than what's in life.” - Larry Gelbart

One of my heroes passed away today. Larry Gelbart is perhaps best known for developing "M*A*S*H" for television and being its shepherd for its first five years. He was also one of the brilliant writers for the groundbreaking Sid Ceasar back in the 50s. He is comedy history and wrote up until his death.

I raise an imaginary dry martini made from a makeshift still in your honor, Mr. Gelbart. Thank you for your contributions to American humor and for being such an inspiration.

(Photo by Sasha Gelbart)

Week 34, Day 235 - “I Need Lunch”

“I Need Lunch”

Written by Joe Janes

9/10/09

235 of 365

CAST

Wendi, 30s

Bill, 30s

Kimberly, 30s

Brian, 40s

(Lights up on Bill and Wendi sitting at desks working. Bill looks at a big clock on the wall.)

BILL

12:15 on the dot. I am going to lunch.

WENDI (still working)

Okay.

BILL (getting up)

I think I’ll go to that new sandwich place.

WENDI

Okay.

BILL

Care to join me?

WENDI

No, thanks.

BILL

Want me to bring you something back?

WENDI

No, that’s all right.

BILL

You sure?

(Kimberly enters.)

KIMBERLY

Hey, I’m going to go to that new sandwich place. The one that’s not as much of a chain as the other one next to it.

BILL

Me, too, Kimberly. I’ll join you.

KIMBERLY

You want to come, Wendi?

WENDI

No, thank you.

KIMBERLY

What’s wrong?

WENDI

I’m not hungry.

BILL

You might get hungry later.

WENDI

I doubt it.

KIMBERLY

But you might. And then what?

WENDI

I’ll grab a snack from the vending machine.

KIMBERLY

You need lunch.

WENDI

No. I don’t think I do.

BILL

You have to keep your energy up.

WENDI

I had a decent breakfast. I’ve had two cups of coffee. I’ve got my water. I’m good. Really.

KIMBERLY

Well, I’ll bring something back for you. Just in case.

WENDI

Please don’t do that.

KIMBERLY

Do you need to see someone in HR? I’m worried about you.

WENDI

I’m fine. I just don’t want to eat any lunch. I’m not hungry. I’m tired of eating out of habit. I only want to eat when I’m hungry. Right now, not hungry.

KIMBERLY

What did you do, Bill, to piss her off?

BILL

I didn’t do anything.

KIMBERLY

Really?

WENDI

Bill didn’t do anything this time. I really just don’t want to eat lunch. I eat when I’m not hungry all the time. It just gives me an upset stomach and makes me sleepy when I don’t want to be.

BILL

Maybe it’s an eating disorder. You’re a girl, what do you think?

KIMBERLY

Maybe. I’m going to shoot HR an e-mail, just to, you know, give them a heads up.

WENDI

I do not need to talk to anyone in HR. What I need is for you two to leave me alone. Go eat your food. I’m not hungry. I don’t need it. I’m skipping lunch, today. Okay?

(Kimberly and Bill mumble some “yeah, sure, etc.” Brian pops his head in the room.)

BRIAN

Hey, gang, it’s Cheryl’s birthday. There’s pizza and cake in the break room.

WENDI

Awesome.

(Wendi exits as Kimberly and Bill watch her walk off, stunned.)

BILL

I thought you weren’t hungry.

(Just before she exits, she turns.)

WENDI

It’s free. I never turn down free food.

(Blackout)

Week 34, Day 234 - “Warts and All”

“Warts and All”

Written by Joe Janes

9/09/09

234 of 365

CAST

Ginny, 30s

Ben, 30s

(Lights up on Ginny and Ben sitting on the sofa. They are in a post-dinner cuddle.)

GINNY

Good dinner, Ben.

BEN

Thanks. I ordered the pizza myself.

GINNY

You’re a good cook.

BEN

Want to watch a movie? I dvr’d “Pretty Woman.”

GINNY

I was thinking maybe we could talk.

BEN

Okay.

GINNY

How do you feel about things?

BEN

I like things. I like things a lot. I think we’ve got a good thing going here.

GINNY

Me, too.

(Pause as Ginny contentedly settles into Ben’s arms.)

GINNY (continuing)

Have you ever slept with a prostitute? (Long, awkward pause) Ben?

BEN

Is it a deal breaker?

GINNY

You have, then. You have slept with a prostitute.

BEN

Well, wait a sec, hear me out. (He collects his thoughts) Yes. I have. But it was a long time ago. And I used protection.

GINNY

Well, I guess that’s okay, then. (Pause) Only once?

(Ben closes his eyes in quiet frustration.)

GINNY (continuing)

Ben?

BEN

There was this period of about five years after college where I was traveling a lot, I didn’t have a girlfriend.

(Ginny looks angry. Silent and angry.)

BEN (continuing)

Ginny?

GINNY

I heard you.

BEN

It was a long time ago. Before we met. Before I even knew my Ginny existed.

(He tries to kiss her; she backs him off with a look.)

GINNY

Seriously?

BEN

Too soon?

GINNY

I don’t know how I feel about this.

BEN

Well, I do. It was a stupid thing for me to do. It was a waste of money. It was risky. I’m lucky not to have got anything I didn’t pay for. And if I knew then that it would endanger any potential relationship with the woman I love-

GINNY

Love?

BEN

Yes?

GINNY

You love me?

BEN

Yes, I love you. Did I not tell you that at some point?

GINNY

Apparently, there are lots of things you haven’t told me, that being the latest.

BEN

Oh. Well, I do. I love you and I don’t want to lose you over this. You mean the world to me.

(She melts a little bit over this.)

GINNY

I love you, too, Ben. I guess what’s in the past is best left in the past.

BEN

I couldn’t agree more.

(They kiss.)

GINNY

Instead of watching a movie-

BEN

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

GINNY (getting up)

I’ll go put on my fishnets and whip.

BEN (getting up)

I’ll get the handcuffs.

(Blackout)

Week 34, Day 233 - “A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

“A Hit For Weddings or Funerals”

Written by Joe Janes

9/08/09

233 of 365

Cast

DJ Bertram, 30s

Alisa, 29

(Lights up on DJ Bertram spinning “La Vida Loca” behind a set of turntables. He finishes up some high-energy track and grabs his mic.)

DJ BERTRAM

Hey, Class of 99! Are you ready to par-tay! (There is little or no response) Okay! Let’s funk it up and see if we can’t fill this dance floor! (Someone runs up and hands him a note) Before we funk it up, I have this announcement. (He reads the note)… A big list… Christopher Othic, whoo!… Nathanial Topping, yay!… Gregory Wendling, ho!… Michael Bauman, rocks…Joseph Janes, can I get a whoop-whoop!...Geoffrey Crump, Crumpy-crump!...Catherine Monahan, yes!...and (reading note closer) they have all passed away since graduation and we’d like to have a moment of silence…(He now has an awkward moment of silence as all the energy in the room is now completely gone.)…So, um, let’s get this party restarted with (hits switch and music starts playing) another hit from 1999, Smash Mouth’s "All Star"...Enough dead talk, because those guys are all all stars in heaven, or wherever, probably, am I right? Yep! Let’s dance!

(Lights fade as DJ Bertram dances it off.)

Week 34, Day 232 - "I Hate Cleaning"

“I Hate Cleaning”

Written by Joe Janes

9/7/09

232 of 365

Cast:

Larry, 30s

Christine, 30s

(Lights up on Larry walking into his living room carrying a single sock. He looks around and sees the other sock under the sofa. He retrieves it. He moves stacks of papers on his sofa so he can sit and put the socks on. Before he puts them on, though, he was to wipe off the bottoms of his feet. He puts on one sock. His phone rings. He looks around the room. He hops over to a small table and picks up his cell phone.)

LARRY

Hello?... Hi, Christine… I was just killing some time before our date tidying up. You know me. Love to clean. We still meeting at Lucky’s… Oh, you are? Um, sure. Come on by..If you want to…(He looks around his apartment) How much time do I have before you…? Ten minutes. Sure. Fins. No problem. See you in ten. Buh-bye. (He hangs up. He is still on one foot.) Crap! Crap, crap, crap. (He puts on his other sock. Why do women do this? This is clearly a test to see how I keep my place. It’s not that I’m a slob, I just hate cleaning.

(Music starts. As Larry sings, he cleans, sometimes doing what he is singing, sometimes just shoving large piles of things under and behind other things.)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I never know where to start

The kitchen sink is loaded

The bathroom has a deep funk

The dust bunnies are bloated

I should wipe down this mirror

But all I have is steel wool (He uses his sleeve)

Hey the dresser is empty (He throws magazines or newspapers into a dresser)

Because the laundry basket’s full

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

Can’t I just do it once and be all done

Seem I just swept the floor a month ago

Where the hell do all these cobwebs come from

What the hell is this, Tollhouse cookie dough (He finds a lump on the floor and eats it)

I’ve lost girlfriends over my messy home

It’s not good if your place makes your date sneeze

Wrap it all in plastic, even the cat

The litter smells spring fresh thanks to Febreez (He sprays the cat box and his feet with Febreez)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I could spend the money on a maid

But that’s the lazy cheater’s way out

I’d much rather clean it like a man

Guess that’s why my closet smells like trout

(The doorbell rings. Larry opens it.)

Christine. Come on in.

(Christine enters with the slow and intent eye of an inspector.)

CHRISTINE

Why, hello, Larry…

I could not wait for our third date

Sorry to suddenly stop by

If I’m to invest into your stock

Need to check out your pigsty

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, well, you know, I am a guy…

CHRISTINE (singing)

This really isn’t so bad

Believe me I’ve seen much worse

Most men only want a maid

Looks like I’ve lifted my curse

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, that’s great.

(singing)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I love having cleaned.

CHRISTINE (seductively)

The bedroom, I take it, is in here.

(She exits)

LARRY

Oh, shit.

(Christine screams. Blackout)