Week 41, Day 282 - "Christopher"

“Christopher”

Written by Joe Janes

10/27/09

282 of 365

CAST

Christopher, 18

Charlsey, 40s

Danielle, 18

(Lights up on Danielle tied to a chair. She is unconscious. She comes to and realizes she is restrained. She starts to struggle. From the shadows, she hears Christopher’s sinister voice.)

CHRISTOPHER

Struggling is useless.

DANIELLE

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

CHRISTOPHER (mockingly)

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

DANIELLE

What do you want?

(Christopher emerges from the shadows behind her with a knife. He holds it tightly to her throat and whispers in her ear.)

CHRISTOPHER

I want you to die. But not quickly. Slowly. Painfully. While I watch the life drain from your arteries. Doesn’t it want to make you scream? Go ahead, scream. Scream your head off. There’s no one home and the neighbors live to far away. Scream.

(She screams. He laughs. She screams more. His laugh grows louder. Suddenly, we hear a light switch flick and the room becomes very well lit and Charlsey is poking her head in the door. Christopher puts his hand over Danielle’s mouth.)

CHARLSEY

Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

Mom!

CHARLSEY

I heard rough housing. What the heck are you doing in here?

CHRISTOPHER

What are you doing here? I thought you had PTA.

CHARLSEY

Oh, everyone’s so scared about swine flu, they cancelled it. Fine with me, let me tell you. Who’s your friend?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, this is Danielle. Mom, Danielle. Danielle, this is my mother.

CHARLSEY

Oh, you can call me Charlsey. I think you’ll find I’m a “cool” mom. Right, Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

Very cool?

CHARLSEY

You kids want any alcohol? I’d rather you drink under my roof than out there lords knows where with who knows what.

CHRISTOPHER

We’re a little busy here, Mom.

(Danielle bites Christopher’s hand. He lets go of her.)

DANIELLE

Your son is trying to kill me! Please call the police!

CHARLESY

What the devil? What kind of game are you two playing?

CHRISTOPHER

It’s not a game, Mom.

DANIELLE

He’s trying to kill me. He drugged me at school and I woke up here tied to this chair.

CHARLSEY

Oh, my. This is just like that TV show!

CHRISTOPHER

“Dexter”?

CHARLSEY

No… What’s the name of that show?... It’s on the television… That handsome boy who likes to kill people.

DANIELLE

I think that’s “Dexter.”

CHARLSEY

No, no, no… “Magnum, PI”!

CHRISTOPHER

Magnum didn’t kill people.

CHARLSEY

He didn’t?

DANIELLE

No. He solved crimes while wearing khaki shorts.

CHARLSEY

Oh, those shorts. He sure killed me a thousand times wearing those shorts.

CHRISTOPHER

Mom. We’re really busy…

DANIELLE

Call the police, please…

CHARLSEY

Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that. I’m the “cool” mom. I also have a little (she imitates toking a joint) if you want some. (She winks.) I get it from the mailman. He's so nice. Okay, I’ll leave you two alone. Let me know if you need anything. Nice meeting you, Danielle.

DANIELLE

Thanks… Charlsey.

(She exits. Christopher holds a knife to Danielle, but isn’t feeling it. He shakes out his body and tries to get back in the mood. He tries the knife, again. Nothing. Ah! The lights. He goes over to the door and turns out the lights.)

CHRISTOPHER (sinister voice)

Well, Danielle-

DANIELLE

Is this your first time?

CHRISTOPHER

What? No! Why do you ask that?

DANIELLE

You don’t seem like you know what you’re doing.

CHRISTOPHER

I know what I’m doing. I know what I’m doing. I’ve done this a lot. I’ve run through this a lot.

DANIELLE

You’ve run through this?

CHRISTOPHER

A true artist practices, hello.

DANIELLE

But you’ve never done this with a real live girl before.

CHRISTOPHER

No. But I’ve seen pictures. And movies. “Dexter” and “Magnum.” I know what I’m doing.

DANIELLE

Really? Well, then, come on. Do me. Let’s do it. Get that knife to workin’, big boy.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, I’ll do it when I feel like it.

DANIELLE

Then let’s do it.

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t feel like it. Maybe you’re not my type.

DANIELLE

I was your type when you drugged my Coke Zero.

CHRISTOPHER

Just because you were easy to drug doesn’t make you my type.

DANIELLE

You going to stab me with that thing or what?

CHRISTOPHER

What!

(He storms off. Danielle is relieved and she tries to untie herself. Charlsey flicks on the lights as she re-enters with a tray of snacks.)

CHARLSEY

I brought you two snacks. We have some Ritz Crackers with Cheez Whiz, some little sausages with toothpicks and some dry roasted peanuts. Where’d Christopher go?

DANIELLE

He changed his mind about killing me. He went for a walk or something.

CHARLSEY

Oh. I’m sure he’ll be back soon. Would you like a snack?

DANIELLE

Could you untie me?

(Charlsey sets down the tray and quickly unties Danielle. Danielle rubs her wrists as Charlsey sits down near hear and eats a cracker.)

DANIELLE

I think I’ll skip the snacks and just head home, Charlsey-

(Charlsey, without looking, quickly produces a knife and points it at Danielle who sits back down.)

CHARLSEY

Sit down, Danielle.

DANIELLE

But, but, why?

CHARLSEY

My son’s not done with you and I have to live up to my reputation for him. I’m the “cool” mom. Peanut?

(She offers Danielle a peanut. She slowly takes it. Lights fade.)

Week 41, Day 281 - "The Go In Go-For-It"

“The Go In The Go-For-It”

Written by Joe Janes

10/26/09

281 of 365

Cast:

Nancy, 30s

Rita, 30s

Norm, 50s

Ryan, 20s

Mary, 40s

Jack, 40s

Announcer

(Lights up on a very excited Rita in running attire marathon number tags. She is warming up surrounded by other runners, except for Nancy, doing the same. Next to Nancy is Norm.)

RITA

This is my first marathon.

NORM

Congrats.

RITA

I decided a year ago, “gonna do it.” My friends all thought I was crazy. Well, my best friend thought I was crazy. I asked her to train with me, but she was like, “No way.”

NORM

Ever run before that?

RITA

Nope. Didn’t even work out.

MARY

That was my story five years ago. Now I’m hooked.

RITA

Me, too. I feel hooked. I love it. Lost a lot of weight. Best shape I’ve ever been in. I think I can run this thing in under seven hours. At least I know I won’t come in last place.

JACK

Running marathons gives me a sense of pride. Like I’ve accomplished something.

RITA

That, too. I want to feel like I’ve done something with my life. Like run twenty-six and a half miles.

MARY

Yeah. After I’ve run a marathon, I feel like I’ve done something.

(Nancy enters. She is not in shape, but wears a runner’s outfit and marathon tags.)

NANCY

Hey, there you are.

RITA

Nancy! You came to see me off.

NANCY

Sort of. I saw how this thing has changed your life over the last year and I decided this morning over a breakfast of bacon and bacon, I’d give it a try.

RITA

You’re going to run?

NANCY

Sure. Why not? How hard can it be? The course is all marked off. I just have to move in the direction of the arrows, right?

NORM

Sure, if you’re going for a stroll. Most people run a marathon.

NANCY

Oh, I’ll be running.

RITA

But, Nancy, you don’t run. And you’re way out of shape.

NANCY

Oh, I see how it is. Don’t want ol’ Nancy stealing any of your thunder.

RITA

I don’t want you to kill yourself. People train for months to run in the marathon. It’s grueling.

NANCY

We do everything together. It took me awhile to come around, but now I’m ready. I can do this. It’s all mind over matter.

JACK

I think you have more matter than mind.

NANCY

What’s that mean?

JACK

You’re not a runner. You haven’t put in the time. You don’t know what you’re up against.

NANCY

That so?

JACK

Let me look in your eyes… You gonna run and not stop?

NANCY

Yes.

JACK

Even when your legs are hurting and your getting cramps all over?

NANCY

Yes.

JACK

You’re gonna keep running when you have to pee or take a shit?

NANCY

They don’t have bathrooms?

JACK

A runner doesn’t stop for nothin’ and this being your first time with no training, it could take you a day to finish.

NANCY

Then I’ll hold it until I get home. I’ve sat through a catholic wedding before.

JACK

You ain’t got it.

NANCY

How do you know?

JACK

You’re shoes.

NANCY

You’re just a snob.

MARY

No, he’s right. Those aren’t running shoes.

NANCY

And yet if I move my feet fast enough (she does this in place) look, I’m running. No magic shoes required.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Runners, line up at the starting line.

RITA

You really shouldn’t do this, Nancy.

NANCY

I’ll show you and your runner friends. This will be a breeze.

(A gunshot is heard. The runners all start running in place in slow motion and, please, dear God, NOT to “Chariots of Fire.” Rita and Nancy keep pace as the others peel off and, presumably move ahead. As they run, Nancy lights a cigarette. Rita knocks it out of her hand. Nancy is pissed, but keeps running. Rita reaches out and grabs a cup of water from a water station. Nancy does so on her side, but before she drinks it, she pulls out a flask and pours some liquor into it. She drinks it like a shot. They run, trading off which one is in the lead. As they do, Nancy produces a small bag of Bugles and eats them. She offers some to Rita, who turns her down. Nancy finishes them off and tosses the bag to the side. Nancy kicks it and gets herself in the lead. As she pushing it with all she’s got, she gets a cramp. And then another. And then a few more. She ends up tripping Rita. They both go down. Lights fade.)

ANNOUNCER (VO)

And here we are at the finish line, twelve and a half hours after the start, waiting for the very last two runners… And here they come.

(Lights up on Nancy and Rita walking as if in a three-legged race. Their legs tied together with a thermal foil blanket.)

ANNOUNCER (VO)

It looks like we’re going to have a tie for last place.

(Nancy hears this and pushes Nancy forward and starts running walking sideways so Rita comes in before her. Jack greets them with another blanket to cover their shoulders.)

RITA

We did it!

NANCY

And you weren’t in last place.

JACK

Congratulations, ladies.

NANCY

So. Am I a runner, now?

JACK

No. You nearly killed yourself and your friend.

RITA

I think the important thing is, we didn’t stop. And we helped each other. More than I can say for all the other runners who go it alone.

NANCY

Now, if you don’t mind. I really need a bathroom.

(Nancy hobbles off, dragging Rita with her because they are still tied up. Rita protests as lights fade.)

Week 40, Day 280 - "Mr. Jones"

“Mr. Jones”

Written by Joe Janes

10/25/09

280 of 365

CAST

MR. JONES, 40s

BEARDED BOX OFFICE WOMAN, 20s

(Lights up on a young woman with a big, bushy beard sitting in a chair. Next to her is an empty chair. Mr. Jones enters stage right. He is a modest, middle-aged man who carries a metal clipboard. He wears a light gray suit with a dark blue tie. He tries to speak, but the box office woman holds up her hand to silence him each time. In the distance, from off stage left, we hear a burst of applause from an audience made up of thousands of people. Mr. Jones exits and then re-enters. He looks puzzled.)

MR. JONES

I need to see the theater. The actual space. I need- (The bearded woman gives him a devastating glare that silences him. We hear a Mexican horn and another burst of applause.) Now, see here. The capacity of this theater is, officially, at 38 people. That sounds like much more than 38 people. (Offstage, we hear a gunshot and then a moving, loving, smitten soft chorus of “awwwwww” from the audience. Mr. Jones moves towards the door. Bearded Lady blocks him as a bouncer would.)

MR. JONES (whispering)

Ah. I see. I will wait for the performance to be over. Do you have you a chair?

(She shakes her head no. She slowly sits back down being sure to take up both chairs.)

MR. JONES

You must be a volunteer. I’m from the city. I’m here to inspect the establishment. Exactly how much longer is the show?

(The box office woman indicates she does not know.)

MR. JONES

It’s just that, most shows have already let out. If this is longer than shows at real theaters, how much longer?

(The box office woman indicates she does not know. We hear wood creak and break as if under a great weight and then we hear an angry Hitler quacking. Mr. Jones listens, as does the box office woman, and they now hear absolutely nothing.)

MR. JONES

I’m going to go in. If the show is still going on-

(The box office woman holds out her hand for money.)

MR. JONES (continuing)

I told you, I’m here to-

(The box office woman holds out her hand for money.)

MR. JONES (continuing)

If the show’s still going on, I’ll just look at the ceiling and wait for it to be finished.

(He exits. The box office woman begins to produce, to her surprise, an egg from her mouth. As the egg protrudes and pops out, the sound of a manual typewriter becomes louder. She removes her beard and sets the egg on the beard on the chair next to her. The typewriter dings, an elephant trumpets, a loud splash is heard, and a crowd erupts in applause. Mr. Jones re-enters.)

MR. JONES

I just saw the most amazing thing. I just saw an elephant type a political manifesto for Equatorial Guinea on a mechanical typewriter with no less than three sets of carbon paper and never using the letter “e.” He then dove 60-feet into a bucket of water. Water that was on fire. And his typing was flawless!

(The box office woman holds out her hand for money. Mr. Jones defies her and runs back into the theater. If it is possible for more eggs to be produced from her mouth, this is where they are produced and added to the beard nest. As many as possible. If not from her mouth, she finds them in various nooks and crannies on her body. Mr. Jones runs back in. He has been bound with scarves and has wads of used typing paper in his mouth. He also now wears high heels and has a bone through his nose. His fly is undone and his shirttail sticks out through it. He manages to spit out the paper.)

MR. JONES

I walked into the room and I saw somebody naked and I asked who he was. I try so hard, but sometimes, I just don’t understand. Something is happening here, but I don’t know what it is. Oh my God, I feel so all alone. I saw a geek and he asked me how does it feel to be such a freak? Impossible! He handed me a bone. I have many contacts among the lumberjacks to get facts when someone attacks my imagination. Nobody has any respect! I have been with professors and with great lawyers with whom I discussed lepers and crooks. I’m very well read. Everyone knows that! The sword swallower also asked me how it felt. He borrowed my throat! There ought to be a law!

(He kneels. Exhausted.)

MR. JONES

A one-eyed midget yelled at me.

(He struggles back to his feet and starts to go back into the theater, but hesitates.)

MR. JONES

A naked man stole my clipboard. I didn’t get his name. He can keep it.

(Dejected, beaten, whipped, he heads to the exit, still attached to the chair.)

MR. JONES (upset, choking back tears)

I give to charitable organizations!

(He exits. The box office woman produces Mr. Jones’ clipboard from under her dress and smashes the eggs with one grand smack. Off stage we hear a cow moo and a tiger roar and then swords clanking as they battle and then the cow falls and we hear a death moo. The box office lady sheds a tear as lights fade and the offstage audience builds from a single clap to full applause.)

Week 40, Day 279 - "St. Drunken's Day"

“St. Drunken’s Day”

Written by Joe Janes

10/24/09

279 of 365

Cast:

Mr. Tippett, 40s

Chris, 20s

Levar, 20s

(Lights up on Mr. Tippett working at his desk Chris sticks his head in the door)

CHRIS

Levar said you wanted to see me, Mr. Tippett?

TIPPETT

Yes, Chris. Have a seat.

(Chris does as Mr. Tippett finishes up some work and picks up a file.)

CHRIS

I like that painting.

TIPPETT

Shut up, Chris.

CHRIS

Yes, Sir.

TIPPETT

I’ve been going over your record. Seems you had a few sick days this year.

CHRIS

Yes, Sir. But I’m pretty sure I’m within my allotment of company sick days.

TIPPETT

You are. But I just wanted to make sure we had them right. According to this, you called in sick February 17^th, March 18^th, May 6^th, August18^th and November 1^st. Does that sound right?

CHRIS

Yeah, I think so.

TIPPETT

Do you remember what you had?

CHRIS

The flu, I think.

TIPPETT

Each time?

CHRIS

Something like that. Headachy, sweaty, some vomiting and diarrhea. Nothing you’d want me bringing to work. Is there a problem? I mean, I wash my hands and cover my mouth when I cough or sneeze, but you know how it is. Only so much you can do.

TIPPETT

I agree. But here’s the odd thing. You missed the same five dates last year. And the year before. And the year before that. How do you explain that?

CHRIS

Seasonal allergies?

TIPPETT

I think, and I’m just hypthothesizing, that these dates have something to do with them being the day after Mardis Gras, St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, your birthday and Halloween. That you may have, perhaps, not had the flu, but been massively hung over each time.

CHRIS

Well, I suppose I could have mistaken being hung over with having the flu. They are very similar.

TIPPETT

I’m not sure what to do here, Chris. Being hung over doesn’t constitute being incapacitated.

CHRIS

We should go out drinking some time.

TIPPETT

Are you Catholic?

CHRIS

No.

TIPPETT

Irish?

CHRIS

No.

TIPPETT

Hispanic.

CHRIS

I don’t think you are legally allowed to ask me these things.

TIPPETT

If you are celebrating these holidays because of religious or cultural purposes, I can look the other way.

CHRIS (in a bad Irish brogue)

Always after my lucky burritos…that Pope.

TIPPETT (sighs)

Do you have any ethnic or religious affiliation?

CHRIS

I’m just a white guy who uses any occasion as a flimsy excuse to drink. Heavily.

TIPPETT

Next year, you are not allowed to take any day off that follows after one of these holidays. Is that clear?

CHRIS

Yes, Mr. Tippett.

TIPPETT

You may go back to work.

(Lights flash, Chris exits, and we transition to sometime in the future. Tippett presses an intercom button.)

TIPPETT

Levar, can you send Chris in?

LEVAR (VO)

He called in sick, today, Mr. Tippett. Said he had the flu.

TIPPETT

Really? Okay. Thank you, Levar.

LEVAR (VO)

You’re welcome.

(Tippett thinks for a moment. He grabs his desk calendar and looks at yesterday.)

TRIPPLETT

What was yesterday…Mother’s Day?

(Cut to a drunken Chris wearing pearls like they were Mardi Gras beads.)

CHRIS

Whoo! Whoo! Yay, mothers! This brunch rocks! Go moms! Who wants imitation pearls? Hey, lady! Show me your stretch marks! Whoo! (He suppresses some nausea.) I feel sick.

(Blackout)

Week 40, Day 278 - "Good Seats"

“Good Seats”

Written by Joe Janes

10/23/09

278 of 365

Cast:

Nathan, 30s

Matthew, 30s

Violetta, 70s

Philbert, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on Nathan and Matthew entering a theater from the lobby near the stage.)

MATTHEW

This is a wonderful surprise. Seeing a Broadway show here in Chicago.

NATHAN

I figured, “what the heck?” It’s your birthday; let’s do something special.

MATTHEW

Where are our seats?

NATHAN

Not sure if I’m reading this right, but they should be right up here somewhere.

MATTHEW

You must have paid a lot of money for these.

NATHAN

I did. But who cares? It’s your birthday, Matthew. Excuse me; can you help us find our seats?

(Nathan approaches Violetta, an elderly usher. Violetta takes the tickets and looks at them. Closely. For a very long time.)

VIOLETTA

Um…Row BB, seats 12 and 13.

(She looks around the theater, trying to read the seat numbers near her. She doesn’t see them. She looks at the tickets again for a very long time.)

NATHAN

I think we’ll try to find them ourselves-

VIOLETTA

Oh!

MATTHEW

Oh?

VIOLETTA

Oh! Right seats, wrong section. Your seats are in the mezzanine.

NATHAN

What’s a mezzanine?

VIOLETTA

Up there.

MATTHEW

It’s the level between the main floor and the balcony.

NATHAN

Up there? Why don’t they just call it the balcony?

MATTHEW

Because the balcony’s above it.

NATHAN

My upstairs neighbor has a balcony above my balcony; I don’t call mine a mezzanine.

(Violetta just stares at him. He thinks. He’s not sure. He waves his hand in front of her face to no response. Lights flash.)

NATHAN (continuing)

What the hell?

MATTHEW

That means the show’s about to start. Let’s hurry.

(They exit. Violetta stands there. For a very long time. She closes her eyes and squints. It’s quite possible, she just farted. Nathan and Matthew emerge somewhere near the middle of the house.)

NATHAN

Okay. Mezzanine. This isn’t too bad. You can see the whole stage.

MATTHEW

No, it’s not bad at all.

(Nathan approaches Philbert, a very young usher with the sniffles.)

NATHAN

Excuse me? Can you help us find our seats?

(Philbert wipes his nose on his hands repeatedly and then takes the tickets. Nathan holds on to them at first, but eventually surrenders them. Philbert looks at them.)

PHILBERT

You’re in the wrong place?

NATHAN

What does that mean?

MATTHEW

I thought this was the mezzanine.

PHILBERT

This is the lower mezzanine.

NATHAN

So, up one more?

PHILBERT

Two more. Your seats are on the upper mezzanine. That’s what the UM is near your seat numbers.

NATHAN

Oh.

MATTHEW

Well, whatever. It’s my birthday.

PHILBERT

Happy birthday.

(Philbert tries to hand the tickets back to Nathan who doesn’t want to touch them. He takes them from Philbert using his elbow. They exit. Philbert stands there and sniffs loudly. Then he wipes his nose on his fingers and looks at it. Wipes the residue on his pants. Nathan and Matthew emerge as far back in the house as possible, maybe even in the tech booth.)

NATHAN

Here we go!

MATTHEW

This is row BB?

NATHAN

Yeah. I feel sorry for the suckers behind us.

MATTHEW

I do, too, because apparently row CC is a wall.

NATHAN

Happy birthday, Matthew.

MATTHEW

Thank you, Nathan. Nathan? How much did you spend on these tickets?

NATHAN

Well, you know, I bought them discounted, day of the show, you know.

MATTHEW

That’s fine. What did you spend?

NATHAN

Ninety-five dollars.

MATTHEW

Total?

NATHAN

Each.

(The lights flash.)

NATHAN

Well, it’s a Broadway show. In Chicago. I’m sure it will be worth it.

MATTHEW

Next time just give me the money and I’ll dress up like a cat and sing.

NATHAN

You’re going to start charging me for that?

(Lights fade.)

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen, Broadway in Chicago is proud to present “One Man Porgy and Bess” starring Anthony Edwards. Please turn off your cell phones, unwrap your candies and pass your wallets and purses into the center aisle.

(We hear the opening strands of “Summertime” as if it were performed on a single electric keyboard.)

Week 40, Day 277 - "Dayhawks"

“Dayhawks”

Written by Joe Janes

10/22/09

277 of 365

Cast

Bernie, 40s

Len, 30s

(Lights up on a diner. Len is behind the counter cleaning shelves we cannot see. Bernie, in a dark suit and hat, enters. He walks with a slight limp. Len keeps his eye on him. Bernie keeps his eye on a spot outside the diner. He takes a seat at the counter, again, without looking at Len. He knocks on the counter. Len produces a cup of coffee. Bernie grabs it and takes a sip while his attention is still outside on something across the street. Bernie puts the mug back on the counter and taps again. Len produces a small decanter of cream and a sugar dispenser. Bernie points out the window until Len gets the hint and looks out. Bernie quickly adds cream and sugar to his coffee and takes another sip.)

BERNIE

Okay.

(Bernie goes back to looking out as Len goes back to looking at Bernie.)

LEN

I don’t even know what I’m watching.

BERNIE

Did you see anything at all?

LEN

No.

BERNIE

You did good.

(Len grabs a menu from under the counter and sets it in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

I ain’t hungry.

LEN

Burger and fries, then?

BERNIE

I ain’t hungry. I ate before I came.

LEN

What kind of jackass eats before coming to a diner?

(Len takes the menu back and walks off stage for a moment. Bernie keeps looking out. Bernie sees something. He takes out a small notepad and jots something down.)

LEN (re-enters)

What did I miss? The pope ride by on a unicycle?

BERNIE

Just doing my job.

LEN

Yeah. That’s what you’ve said every day this week. I wonder what the police think about your job.

BERNIE

I’m a dick.

LEN

No kidding.

BERNIE

My job is to keep an eye on that office across the street. There’s a secretary who works there who may or may not have loose bloomers. Her husband wants me to find out.

LEN

You think her bloomers are loose?

BERNIE

The way she’s built, ain’t nothing loose on that ship. But I think her boss may be swabbing her decks.

LEN

The brunette with the caboose.

BERNIE

That’s the one.

LEN

She walks by the window and I have to stop whatever I’m doing. Be a shame if that train only had one rider.

BERNIE

I like her better as a ship.

LEN

You’re the pro.

BERNIE

She ever come in here?

LEN

A dame like that? Never. If she came in here, I’d remove the stool she sat on, take it home, get it drunk and make love to it. (Bernie) What?

BERNIE

Stick to trains.

LEN

You gonna sit there all day and only drink one cup of coffee?

BERNIE

I’m here until she’s not there. Have to earn my fifty bucks a day.

LEN

How can you drink coffee all day and never get and go to the bathroom?

BERNIE

Thank Hitler.

LEN

I’d rather not.

BERNIE

Caught some shrapnel from a kraut grenade in a very bad place. I fight the Nazis and get thanked with the ability to pee through a rubber tube into a small bottle strapped to my leg.

LEN

You sit there and pee right there at my counter?

BERNIE

Any time I like.

LEN

You peeing right now?

BERNIE

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. (He smiles at Len and quite possibly is relieving himself while doing it. Len looks away and can see the woman.)

LEN

Hey, Niagra. It’s dreamboat.

(Bernie sees her, too, and takes out his notebook, again. Len exits.) There she is, again. Filing. Filing very slowly. Very, very slowly.

(Bernie continues to watch and scribble. He stops. She has apparently moved away. He puts the notebook back in his jacket and sips more coffee. Len returns with a plate, a hamburger and fries. He sets it down in front of Bernie.)

BERNIE (continuing)

What’s this?

LEN

Just doing my job.

(Len sets down the bill. Steps back and crosses his arms. Bernie goes back to watching the office as he taps on the counter. Len produces a bottle of ketchup and salt and pepper. Bernie points. Len takes over being lookout as Bernie dresses his food. Lights fade.)