Week 14, Day 98 - “Bonuses"

“Bonus”
Written by Joe Janes
4/26/09
98 of 365

CAST:
Mandy, 30s
Tyrell, 30s
Ed, 30s

(Lights up on three office workers. Mandy is handing out envelopes to the other two and holds one herself.)

MANDY

Don’t get your hopes up, everyone. They cut back on bonuses this year.

TYRELL

That sucks. We worked extra hard to make less this year.

ED

We kept the company afloat. We should get more. (They open their envelopes.) So, what’d everybody get?

TYRELL

A fifty-dollar bill.

MANDY AND ED

Ooh. Ouch. That hurts, etc.

ED (looks in envelope)

Don’t feel bad. All I got was a two dollar bill and someone wrote “Happy Birthday, Billy” on it in ballpoint pen.

MANDY AND ED

That’s pretty bad,Ed. Yikes, etc.

MANDY (looks in envelope)

Well, you all made out better than me. All I got was a free month of Netflix. It sucks being the CEO.

(Blackout)

Week 14, Day 97 - “Walter Goldstein, Angry Hip-Hop Poet”

“Walter Goldstein, Angry Hip-Hop Poet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/25/09
97 of 365

CAST:
Jenny, 20s
Walter, 20s

(Lights up on Jenny, dark clothes and glasses, at a microphone.)

JENNY

Welcome, everyone, to the Surge for Global Peace. Thanks for coming out and fighting for the end of violence on our planet. In the back, my mom made falafels. Hi, Mom. Help yourself, but please only take one until we know if we have enough for everyone to have two. We have lots of performers and lecturers here today. First up, is a well-known hip hop poet, and my boyfriend, please put your hands together, for Walter Goldstein!

(Walter comes on stage. He is a white guy with white guy dreadlocks and he looks angry. He and Jenny kiss passionately. She exits. Walter grabs the microphone from the stand.)

WALTER (still angry)

What’s up, SGP? I am Walter Goldstein, hip-hop poet. And I come with a message of both peace and love. Here is a poem I wrote just for this event. It’s called “Message of Both Peace and Love.”

Welcome y’all to the Surge for Global Peace,
Roll up your world sleeves, give some elbow grease,
Time for us to start use some violence,
Show these idjits that they are just real dense,
Fighting for peace with my army of love,
My bombs ‘splode with the shrapnel of a dove.
The piece I carry is a piece of peace,
Shoot slugs of friendship into your face…feece
I don’t do drugs for I am high on life,
Get me to rehab, I’m high as a kite.
Won’t stop fighting till there’s tranquility,
Fists of peace pummel possibility,
High speed Peace Trains are coming down the tracks,
Splitting cows of war just like it was an ax,

Who wants hamburger?

I love you, daddy.

Peace in.

(He drops the mic and exits. Blackout.)

Week 14, Day 96 - "UPS Sucks"

“UPS Sucks”
Written by Joe Janes
4/24/09
96 of 365

CAST:
Joe, 40s
Tanya, 30s

(Lights up on Joe, 40s, in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops, standing outside the gate of a courtyard apartment late on a Friday afternoon. He checks his watch and looks around. He sees someone coming. He pretends to just be hanging out waiting, looking at his Blackberry. Tanya, an out-of-shape UPS person, approaches the intercom near the front gate. She has a clipboard and a small package. She looks at the intercom system. She scribbles something onto a pad and puts a sticky label on intercom. She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TANYA

Yes?

JOE

Aren’t you going to even try the intercom to see if the person is home?

TANYA

They’re probably not. This is the second attempt. We tried
yesterday at the same time. They probably have a day job or something. Pretty standard. It’s an apartment building, not a business.

JOE

But you don’t know. You didn’t even try.

TANYA

Fine. I’ll try. (She looks at the intercom list, turned away from Joe, and presses the number for the deliveree. Through the system, we hear a phone ring. Joe’s phone rings.)

JOE (turning away from Tanya)

Hello?

TANYA

UPS.

JOE

About time.

(He presses a button on his phone that makes a loud buzzing sound at the gate. Tanya opens the gate and sets the package on the ground.)

TANYA

Guess you were right.

(She starts to walk away.)

JOE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

TANYA

I left the package. I’m done.

JOE

Don’t you think they might be waiting for you in their apartment? Aren’t you supposed to deliver it to their door?

TANYA

It’s late on a Friday afternoon. Traffic sucks. I have more deliveries.

JOE

All you did was set it inside the gate of the courtyard on the sidewalk. I could just reach in and grab it.

TANYA

That would be against the law.

JOE

Too bad sucking at your very simple job isn’t against the law. But, I guess neither of us will get caught. You’ll be off in your brown truck and I’ll be halfway down the street before this guy knows his package aint’ making it to his front door.

(Tanya presses buttons on the intercom, again. Joe’s phone rings and she sees it this time.)

TANYA

Hey, what are you trying to pull?

JOE

What are you trying to pull? I’ve been holed up in my apartment all day waiting for this goddamn package. It was supposed to be here by two. I haven’t even showered yet because I was afraid you might show up. (He picks it up through the gate.) I had to call customer service twice to get you to come back here because this morning you also only left that stupid sticky notice without trying the intercom.

TANYA

It’s just a stupid package. What could possibly be in there that’s so GD important? What is this precious thing that you summoned into your life to make your existence better? Let me guess. Porn? Something porn-related? Or is it, porn? Whatever it is, is it really worth waiting for?

JOE

You want to see what’s in here? I’ll show you. (Joe opens it and pulls out something that looks like an electric razor.)

TANYA

What the hell is that? A manly vibrator?

JOE

Nope. (Joe touches her with it and she falls to the ground twitching.) Tazer. And, yeah. That was worth waiting for.

(Joe steps over her shaking body and through the gate back towards his apartment. Lights out.)

First Video Contest Entry

Ron Morelli from Detroit has submitted a video of Pitch Bleak. The pacing is a little slow and the actors are clearly sneaking peeks at their lines, but there's some fun absurdist elements, such as the agent being portrayed by a house plant. Look for the brief cameo of a cat's tail!



The deadline for submitting a 365 video is Tuesday, April 28th at midnight central time. The winner will be announced the following day.

Week 14, Day 95 - "Crept Out"

“Crept Out”
Written by Joe Janes
4/23/09
95 of 365

CAST:
MAX, 30s
NATHAN, 20s
BLAINE, 30s

(Lights up on Nathan and Max working at their desks.)

MAX

So, they bring the meat right to your table and it’s on these swords.

NATHAN

Cooked?

MAX

Yeah, cooked. And all kinds, fillet mignon, steaks…steaks…all kinds.

NATHAN

Sounds like my kind of place.

(Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Max. Wanted to tell you good job on the Folger presentation. You looked good up there.

(Blaine smacks Max on the shoulder with the back of his hand and exits.)

MAX

Thanks, Blaine.

NATHAN

Congrats.

MAX

Yeah. Thanks.

(Max shakes his head and shivers a bit.)

NATHAN

What’s wrong?

MAX

Gay people creep me out.

NATHAN

Oh…. Are you talking about Blaine?

MAX

Yeah. The guy’s a total flame.

NATHAN

Really? I never noticed.

MAX

Well, you need to get your gay-dar fixed. That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass.

NATHAN

I don’t really think so.

(Blaine re-enters.)

BLAINE

Hey, Nathan. Here are the press clippings from the Driscoll campaign. Don’t reference all of them. Just pick two or three of the best ones.

NATHAN

Sure thing, Blaine.

BLAINE

You’ll have that done…2-ish?

NATHAN

Shouldn’t be a problem.

BLAINE

Thanks.

(He exits. Max sits and nods at Nathan.)

MAX

See what I mean?

NATHAN

…No?

MAX

2-ish? Please.

NATHAN

He has a motorcycle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay man ride a motorcycle.

MAX

You have if you’ve seen Blaine on one.

NATHAN

He has a girlfriend.

MAX

Correction. He has a wife. And she’s preggers.

NATHAN

So, then, he’s probably not gay.

MAX

All that means is this… (He mimes stroking a beard.)

NATHAN

He’s wise?

MAX

No. It means his wife is a beard. A front. It’s all a ruse to hide his queertitude.

NATHAN

Max. I have to be honest. I really just don’t see it. But even if what you are saying is true… so, what?

MAX

So, nothing. Except when he looks at me like, well, the way I look at a sword full of meat.

NATHAN

But, I’ve never seen him do that.

MAX

All right. Time to open your eyes, Nathan. Call Blaine in here.

NATHAN

Okay. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Blaine. Nathan. Can you come here for a second? (Hangs up) He’s on his way.

(Max gets up. Bends over while opening the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. Blaine enters.)

BLAINE

What’s up, Nathan?

NATHAN

Uh, Max, um…

MAX (still bending and pointing his behind in Blaine’s direction)

We were looking for the archival Driscoll material from a few years ago. Can’t seem to find it.

BLAINE

They’re probably not in there. I’ll have someone check in storage. Hey, are those Dockers?

MAX (righting himself, looks knowingly at Nathan)

Yes. I got them at Sears.

BLAINE

I like those. My wife won’t let me get them. Says they’re un-cool. Who cares, if they’re comfortable… Women.

(He exits.)

NATHAN

Oh, my God. You are so right. I couldn’t see it until you pointed it out to me. But, man, that was so obvious.

(They go back to work at their desks.)

MAX

Told ya’.

NATHAN

It does kind of creep me out, now.

MAX

Me, too.

(As Nathan continues to work, Max stares at him as if he wanted to gnaw on Nathan’s ass. Nathan’s feels Max’s eyes on him and turns to face Max. Max catches himself and goes back to work, as does Nathan.)

NATHAN

Meat on swords.

MAX

Yeah. Flame-broiled. Good stuff. I could swallow one of the swords whole. (Max steals a glance at Nathan. Lights fade.)

Week 14, Day 94 - "Queen of Bees"

“Queen of Bees”
Written by Joe Janes
4/22/09
94 of 365

CAST:
STANLEY, 30s
OLIVIA, 30s

(Lights up on Stanley outdoors in full beekeeper attire. He is doing something beekeepery with one of those wooden beehive crates full of drawers full of bees. Olivia enters. She wears a stylish wedding dress, carries a bouquet and also wears a beekeeper’s helmet.)

OLIVIA

Stanley.

STANLEY

Olivia. Oh. You look magnificent.

OLIVIA

I know.

STANLEY

Did you forget we were working in the beehives today?

OLIVIA

No, Stanley. I didn’t forget. I’m leaving you.

STANLEY

You’re leaving me? But I thought you were happy.

OLIVIA

You thought, but you didn’t ask. That’s the problem, Stanley. You never ask. You think that as long as I keep myself busy, I must be happy.

STANLEY

Aren’t you? Weren’t you?

OLIVIA

I thought I was. Until I went to the farmer’s market last weekend to sell our little pots of Stanley and Olivia’s Honey and Honey Accessories. There’s a new vendor that put up his tent and table next to ours. His name is Blake.

STANLEY

Blake Hanson?

OLIVIA

You know him.

STANLEY

He…He’s a florist.

OLIVIA (holding up bouquet)

He is.

STANLEY

Handsome, too.

OLIVIA

He has what I need.

(Olivia removes her beekeeper helmet, revealing bee-like antennae.)

STANLEY (removing helmet)

But, Olivia. All I’ve done, I’ve done for you. I’m allergic to bees.

OLIVIA

I know. And I appreciate all you have done. You served my needs well, but I don’t love you. I’m not sure I ever loved you. But I like you and will think fond things about you and speak of you kindly.

STANLEY

And I shall do the same. If anyone should ever ask me.

OLIVIA

Very well. I have to go. Blake and I are getting married.

STANLEY

I thought you didn’t want to ever get married.

OLIVIA

I thought so, too. Then I met Blake. Well, I suppose I’ll see you at the farmer’s market. I’ll be there with Blake.

STANLEY

See you then. Have a nice wedding.

OLIVIA

You, too. I mean, have a nice day. Good-bye, Stanley.

(She exits. Stanley kicks the beehive.)

STANLEY

Stupid bees.

(The bees stir and start to swarm around him and stinging him. He runs off yelling multiple “Ow’s!” Blackout.)

Week 14, Day 93 - "Off The Grid"

“Off The Grid”
Written by Joe Janes
4/21/09
93 of 365

CAST:
Donny, 50s
Joey, 40s

(Lights up on Donny pacing around a small motel room. He wears his coat. The only semblance of luggage is an overstuffed garbage bag. He has a gun in his hand. There’s a knock at the door. Donny walks over to it and listens. There’s another knock.)

DONNY (whispering)

Joey?

JOEY (off and also whispering)

Yeah?

(Donny quickly open unlatches the door and pulls Joey in. He checks the hall to make sure no one else is out there. Satisfied, he shuts and locks the door.)

JOEY

Nice motel. Do the cockroaches turn down the bed at night?

DONNY

No. But the rats leave a dropping on the pillow every morning.

JOEY

So, what was so important you couldn’t tell me over the phone?

DONNY

You can’t tell anyone. You hear me?

JOEY

Jesus, did you rob a bank? Who’d you kill?

DONNY

Me.

JOEY

You didn’t do a very good job. Want me to take a whack at it?

DONNY

Look. I need you. I want you to join me.

JOEY

Sit down. Your pacing is making me all nervous.

DONNY

I’m too worked up.

JOEY

Sit down and tell me what the heck is going on.

DONNY

I’m going off the grid.

JOEY

Oh. OH. I’m sorry. I see. How long have you been on “the grid”?

DONNY

I don’t know. Birth, maybe. When I was twelve and I got my social security number. I don’t know when it started.

JOEY

Well, don’t you worry. Big brother will take care of you.

DONNY

That’s exactly what I don’t want. That’s why I’m going off the grid. I don’t want to have anything to do with Big Brother.

JOEY

But…I’m your big brother. And I know a thing or two about this. I used to have a problem with nasal decongestants.

DONNY

I’m talking about the puppet masters. The people who put me on the grid and want to keep me there.

JOEY

This grid… do you snort it?

DONNY

You’re so wrapped up in it, you don’t even see it. The grid is the, uh, I don’t know what the grid is. I’m going off the radar.

JOEY

How many different drugs you taking?

DONNY

No, man. I’m going underground. I’m unplugging from the “world” as we know it. I tore up my social security card. I cashed out all my bank accounts. I cancelled all my utilities. I walked away from the house. I threw away most everything I own. All I have left is what’s in that garbage bag. As of this point, Donny Loomis, patsy of the government, no longer exists.

JOEY

You’re going to be homeless?

DONNY

Just the opposite. The world will be my home. Wherever I am, is my home. Home is no longer the address on my shredded driver’s license.

JOEY

How will you eat?

DONNY

You kidding me? This country throws away more food than all the third world countries in the world combined consume. You want dinner? I got dinner. There’s a garbage bin in the alley between the motel and Fried Foods and Sundries. (He opens his garbage bag and pulls out a smaller paper bag.) I got pizza crusts, half a can of RC, a bag of perfectly good, albeit cracked, taco shells, some hot sauce packets, some deodorant samples.

JOEY

Jesus, Donny. I don’t know what to make of this. What the hell happened? You lose your job or something? Give me a deodorant sample.

(He does. Joey uses it.)

DONNY

I woke up. And I suggest you do the same. They’ve got your hooks in you and you don’t even realize it. It’s dragging you down and you don’t even realize it. You’re a frog and you’re boiling.

JOEY

Hey!

DONNY

What?

JOEY

Don’t call me a boiling frog. I don’t think that’s very nice.

DONNY

I’m just saying, one day I’m sitting at my desk, paying bill after bill after bill and for what? Is that what the rest of my life is going to be about. Rolling a boulder up a god dam hill until I croak and it rolls over me on its way back down? No way. No more. I’m tired of being just a tiny ass cog in the machine. A machine that doesn’t care if I’m happy. It just wants me to be docile. It wants me to drink and watch TV and barely make ends meet. Keeping me miserable keeps the fat cats fat. No more. I quit everything. Fuck you government. Fuck you world. (He opens the door) You hear me? I said fuck you, world!

(Far offstage we hear “Fuck you, too, asshole!” Donny closes the door.)

DONNY (continuing)

You’ve got to join me, Joey. They’re out to get you, man. This is a revolt. This is what they don’t want any of us to do. Get rid of everything.

JOEY

Wow. I don’t think I can get rid of my stuff. I just bought a new couch. I love that couch.

DONNY

They want you to love that couch. They want you to sit on your ass all day at work and all night at home. That way you don’t make any trouble.

JOEY

Who’s this “they” you keep talking about?

DONNY

You know, they. Undisclosed location "they." Wire-tapping they. Bailouts and bonuses "they." They’re everywhere. But strip yourself of all the things they use to ID you, they can’t find you. You become invisible to them. I may no longer be Donny Loomis, but I’ll tell you what I am. A man.

(Joey stands up and hugs Donny)

JOEY

I’ll do it! I’m jumping off the grid!

DONNY

I’m proud of you.

(“Dancing Queen” by ABBA is heard. Joey takes his cell phone out of his pocket.)

JOEY

Oh, that’s me. I don’t recognize that number? Hello?

(Donny grabs the phone and begins to smash it on the floor with the butt of his handgun.)

DONNY

I told you not to bring your phone! These things have GPS trackers in them. You idiot!

JOEY

Hey! I still have free minutes left!

(Outside, loud fire truck sirens are heard coming toward the motel. The two stop to listen. A helicopter is heard.)

JOEY

What do we do now, Donny? What do we do?

DONNY

I guess we see what’s on TV.

(They sit on the floor. Donny grabs a nearby remote and turns on the motel room TV. We hear the theme song to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Donny extends his arm and keeps the gun pointed at the door as they enjoy the wacky comedy antics of a young Will Smith. Sirens and helicopters get louder. Lights fade.)