Week 28, Day 190 - "Dear Penthouse"

“Dear Penthouse”
Written by Joe Janes
7/27/09
190 of 365

CAST
Dina, 20s
Megan, 20s
Shelly, 20s
Dave, 40s
Scott, 20s
Ted, 20s

(Lights up on Megan, Shelly and Dina in their college apartment. Megan and Shelly sit at a table doing homework. Dina is watching TV.)

DINA

Are you guys going to study all night?

MEGAN

It’s only seven o’clock.

DINA

Whatever.

SHELLY

Aren’t you worried about passing your history test?

DINA

Professor Krause always does multiple choice.

SHELLY

So?

DINA

The answer is “B.”

MEGAN

Answering “B” won’t get you an “A.”

DINA

I just want to pass.

(Doorbell rings. Shelly looks at Dina, who doesn’t move.)

SHELLY

Don’t get up.

(Shelly answers the door. Dave enters carrying a pizza and case of beer.)

SHELLY (continuing)

Dad!

DAVE

Hi, Shelly. Girls, the pizza boy is here!

(He enters and puts the pizza and beer on the table. He starts opening beers and handing them out.)

DINA

Hi, Mr. Jensen.

DAVE

Mr., Jensen? Is my dad here?

SHELLY

No, mine is.

DAVE

Call me, Dave, Dina. Hi, Megan.

MEGAN

Hi…Dave. Thanks for bringing us pizza. I was just thinking about how hungry I was.

SHELLY

Dad, this is nice, but we’re trying to study for a test.

DAVE

A test? A test in what? Lay it on your old man. I’ll help you.

MEGAN

American History.

DAVE

American History, American History… Multiple choice?

MEGAN

Yes.

DAVE

Just answer “B.”

DINA

That’s what I said, Dave!

(She high fives him and he is very happy about that.)

SHELLY (going back to studying)

Oh, God.

DAVE

I can’t believe you attractive young ladies are spending your evening studying.

SHELLY

It’s Tuesday.

DAVE

But you’re in college. And I just read your school is rated one of the top twenty party schools in the country.

MEGAN

Something to be proud of.

DAVE

Put the books away. Let’s eat us some pizza. Drink us some beers. Call more of your girlfriends and invite them over. Let’s have a party. …I’m buying!

DINA (texting)

I just texted my friends, Dave.

SHELLY

Dina, we’re not having a party.

DINA

We are, now. I also posted it on Facebook and Twitter.

DAVE

Cool. I brought a party CD, too.

(He hands Dina a CD.)

SHELLY

Dave… Can I speak with you in the kitchen, please?

DAVE (grabs a beer)

Sure, Shelly.

(They walk to the far side of the stage through a “door” into the kitchen.)

DAVE (continuing)

Here’s your beer.

SHELLY

I don’t want a beer. I want to spend the evening studying for my test.

DAVE

Shelly, Shelly. You only live once. Your college years are going to fly by.

SHELLY

They’re my college years. Not yours. I don’t need you around trying to relive your college years.

DAVE

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is relive my college years.

SHELLY

Pizza? Beer? Parties?

DAVE

I was a dork in college. Yeah, I know. Me. All I did was study and get “A”s. I was the most boring man on campus.

SHELLY

Then what the hell are you doing? Trying to make up for lost time?

DAVE

What? No. Just trying to make sure my little girl and her roommates get the most out of these formulative important years.

SHELLY

Which one?

DAVE

I don’t know-

SHELLY

Which one of my roommates do you have the hots for?

DAVE

Dina has some pretty hot videos on Facebook.

SHELLY

You’re watching videos of my friends on Facebook.

DAVE

You friended me. You were tagged in her karaoke strip tease.

SHELLY

We were drunk.

DAVE

I know. That’s why I brought beer and the greatest hits of Bon Jovi, karaoke-style.

SHELLY

Jesus, Dad. It’s my life. Not your chance to live out Internet porn fantasies.

DAVE

Sure you don’t want a beer?

SHELLY

Go home. Go date women your own age.

DAVE

Women my age don’t look like that.

SHELLY

Stop trying to sleep with my friends. Seriously. It’s time for you to leave.

(She opens the door for Dave to leave. They enter the living room where the karaoke version of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” is blaring. Megan and Dina have their tops off and are singing along loudly. Scott is video taping them. Ted is cheering them on. If there’s more students around partying, awesome. Megan and Dina grab Dave and make him join them. Everyone is singing along, except Shelly. Shelly grabs her textbook and three beers and exits. Lights fade.)

Week 27, Day 189 - "Violets in Garlic Sauce"

“Violets in Garlic Sauce”
Written by Joe Janes
7/26/09
189 of 365

Cast
Eye
Ear
Nose
Mouth
Lobster Claw Mustache

(Lights up on five “artists” dressed in shiny black unitards and wearing full heads masks. Each mask represents that artist’s character: Eye, Ear, Nose, Mouth, Lobster Claw Mustache. The begin by standing close to one another and forming as much of a face as possible with their parts.)

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Lift your hands up high-

EAR

And let your belly fail.

NOSE

Grab the kettledrum in your ear-

MOUTH

And pull the coffin out of your nose!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Few who know what good they are!

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

The cows are sitting on the telegraph wires playing chess.

MOUTH

Take your foot out of the butter before it is too late.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Van Gogh had an offensive breath and is dead.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Art grows on society’s abdomen.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Heaven, hell and kayaking.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Einstein is a cigar and cuts himself off.

EYE

Let us stuff Monet. Let us. Let us.

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Copyright reserved.

EAR

Kids eat free.

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

My toe nails are rosy and glittery.

EAR

I am ignored.

NOSE

Men have no instinct.

MOUTH

There is a long line passing through my middle-

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

-Crossing my nose-

EYE

-my Adam’s apple-

EAR

-my Eve’s plumb –

NOSE

-my naval-

MOUTH

-and other essential organs.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

(They each repeat their own designated monosyllabic sound, in order, as often as necessary, or unnecessary. Arrr, tuh, ess, enn, danj! Until we realize that they are saying “Art is in danger!” And then they break it down, mixing up the order and volume until is deconstructs and falls apart. They mumble and stumble and leave the stage until all that is left is Nose and Lobster Claw Mustache. Lobster Claw Mustache takes it place under Nose.)

NOSE

I love you.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

I know.

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 188 - "WTF"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“WTF”

Written by Joe Janes

7/25/09

188 of 365

CAST

Muriel, late 20s

Tabitha, late 20s

(Lights up on Muriel standing near the buffet table of a high school reunion. Tabitha approaches.)

TABITHA

Muriel? Muriel Klotz?

MURIEL

Yes?

TABITHA (hugs Muriel)

Oh, my God! I haven’t since you since we graduated.

MURIEL

That’s right. We haven’t seen each other since then…you.

TABITHA

You…don’t remember me…it’s Tabitha. Tabitha Letterhos.

MURIEL

Oh, sure. Tabitha! We took Chemistry together.

TABITHA

Biology.

MURIEL

Of course. I get all my sciences mixed up.

TABITHA

You still don’t remember me.

MURIEL

No, no. Of course, I do. Tabitha. Just you’re hair-

TABITHA

Is exactly the same way I wore it ten years ago.

MURIEL

Well, you know, we all have put on a few extra pounds.

TABITHA

Except me.

MURIEL

Except you, is what I was going to say. You look great.

TABITHA

Right. You know, I used to think you were somebody real special. Someone I really admired. And I fooled myself into thinking we were friends, maybe not close friends, but friends enough to be glad to see each other, get together for coffee and to laugh about old times. I wasn’t even on your radar in high school, was I? Well, sorry I bothered you, Muriel. Enjoy the ten-year reunion.

(She exits.)

MURIEL

Facebook me!

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 187 - "A Little Psycho"

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
7/24/09
187 of 365

CAST
Miranda, 30s
Frank, 30s

(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)

MIRANDA

Okay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.

(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)

MIRANDA (continuing)

Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.

FRANK

Miranda.

MIRANDA

You can spend the night tonight, if you want to.

FRANK

Okay.

MIRANDA

Okay, what?

FRANK

Okay, I want to.

MIRANDA

One other question-

FRANK

I have two in my wallet.

MIRANDA

Two?

FRANK

I’m very optimistic.

MIRANDA

Okay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well.

FRANK

Okay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.

MIRANDA

Are you a psycho?

FRANK

Am I a psycho?

MIRANDA

I really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?

FRANK

Yes.

MIRANDA

You are?

FRANK

A little. I’ve Googled your name several times.

MIRANDA

That’s not so bad. I Googled-

FRANK

I even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere.

MIRANDA

Did you find anything?

FRANK

Just my own blog.

MIRANDA

You have a blog?

FRANK

I also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.

MIRANDA

You did not find anything.

FRANK

Sadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean.

MIRANDA

Well, I guess that’s a little psycho-

FRANK

And then I Googled all your Facebook friends.

MIRANDA

That seems excessive.

FRANK

They seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.

MIRANDA

White Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.

FRANK

But that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.

MIRANDA

I told you I wasn’t.

FRANK

Hello – psycho.

MIRANDA

Right. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.

FRANK

Well, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.

MIRANDA

Well. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.

FRANK

That’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.

MIRANDA

How did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?

FRANK

I read your e-mail. Too much?

MIRANDA

Leave.

(Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 186 - "Buenos Aires"

“Buenos Aires”
Written by Joe Janes
7/23/09
186 of 365

CAST:
Rosa, 20s
Luis, 20s
Roberto, 30s
Johnny, 20s
Adolfo, 40s

(Lights up on the terrace of a high society soiree. Rosa, in a beautiful evening gown, enters. She looks distraught and heads to the railing and looks out at the evening sky. Luis, in a tuxedo, enters and stands at the door.)

LUIS

Rosa, my darling.

ROSA (not turning)

Luis. No. Stay away. You must.

LUIS

Your lips say, “Stay away,” but your back says, “come hither.”

ROSA (turning)

Damn my back and its vocabulary. Damn my back, Luis, and damn you. (Whispering) Damn you.

(They embrace. They build tension as they lock eyes and almost kiss but press their faces cheek-to-cheek instead.)

ROSA (continuing)

I love you and I hate you.

LUIS

I love you and I hate you, too.

ROSA

Roberto must never know.

(Roberto enters wearing an Argentinean dress military uniform and carrying a glass of champagne. He sees Rosa and Luis and smashes the glass on the floor.)

ROBERTO

Rosa!

ROSA

Roberto!

ROBERTO

Luis!

LUIS

My friend. This is not how it looks.

ROBERTO

I have been a fool. My lover and my best friend.

LUIS

She is yours. Take her. I don’t want her. I was just telling her how much I hated her.

ROSA

He speaks the truth, Roberto. We are in hate with one another.

LUIS

True hate.

ROSA

We are hate mates.

ROBERTO

I should have listened to you my friend.

(Roberto starts crying and runs into Luis’s arms.)

LUIS

Shhh, shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.

ROSA

What did he mean listen to you?

LUIS

Nothing, nothing.

ROBERTA

He said you were a tramp who would eat my heart!

LUIS

Or that. I may have said something like that. I think I said, “break” your heart.

ROBERTO

Yes, yes, “break.” He said, “break.” I said, “eat.”

(Rosa starts hitting Luis who uses Roberto to block the blows.)

ROSA

I hate you even more now! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(Johnny, an American in a nice suit, enters.)

JOHNNY

Rosa!

ROSA

Johnny!

JOHNNY

I waited for you in the taxicab, but you never came.

LUIS

You were going to leave?

ROBERTO

How could you leave us like that?

ROSA

Johnny and I are in love. Right, Johnny?

JOHNNY

That’s right. I’ve never loved anyone more deeply. Or quickly.

LUIS

When did you meet?

JOHNNY

About an hour ago. At the buffet. Near the prime rib.

ROSA

Oh, Johnny, let’s go. Let’s go, Johnny, now. Let’s run away forever, Johnny. Sweep me up in your arms, Johnny, and take me to your America so I can be free. (pause) Johnny?

JOHNNY

Right away, but first, who are these guys?

ROSA

Oh, how rude of me. This is Roberto, my lover and Luis, his best friend and also my lover whom I also hate.

JOHNNY

Is there anyone else I should know about?

(Adolfo wearing a tuxedo and a cape enters.)

ADOLFO (cheerfully)

Rosa, here you are!

ROSA

Adolfo! My husband!

ADOLFO (still cheerful)

You say that as if I caught you doing something other than just having a friendly conversation on the terrace with these three handsome gentlemen. How is everyone?

JOHNNY

Oh, fine.

LUIS

Good.

ROBERTO

I’ve been better.

ADOLFO

You’re missing a wonderful party inside. The band has started and everyone is dancing the night away. Shall we tango, Rosa?

ROSA

Of course, husband. Whatever you say.

ADOLFO

You gentlemen have a splendid evening. You look so lovely tonight, my dear…

(Adolfo escorts Rosa back into the party.)

JOHNNY

Well, I feel like a real heel.

LUIS

I didn’t know he was so nice!

ROBERTO

I didn’t know she was married. And to such a great guy.

JOHNNY

Should we go join the party?

LUIS

I think I’d feel really awkward.

ROBERTO

Me, too. Plus, Rosa was the only hottie.

LUIS

That’s true.

JOHNNY

Strip club?

LUIS

Sure, why not?

ROBERTO

That’s how I met Rosa!

(Blackout)

Week 27, Day 185 - "Turkey Fingers"

“Turkey Fingers”
Written by Joe Janes
7/22/09
185 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Nate, 8
Principal Mylie, 40s
Cop, 30s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber, an old-fashioned elementary school teacher in her 60s. Nicely dressed. Very lady like and friendly. She addresses the audience.)

MRS. GRUBER

Children, children, guess what? Nappy time’s over, children. Guess what time it is? Time for arts and crafts. Come on over here and get some paper and crayons. You only need one sheet of paper. Go ahead and sit on the floor. There you go. Everybody share, when you share, you care.

(People from the audience are encouraged to get up and help themselves to paper and crayons and sit on the floor. Of course, there’s lots of room for ad-libbing and calling students by name. One student among the audience is Nate, who joins them.)

NATE

I’m still sleepy Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Now, now, Nathaniel. That’s just the kool-aid talking. Be a good helper and pass out crayons and paper.

NATE

Okay.

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Don’t start drawing, yet. Wait until I give you directions, okay? Now, does anyone know what holiday is coming up? Anybody? It’s a holiday where you get to eat lots of really good yummy food that your mother makes for your family. Sometimes your grandmother helps out, usually by making a pumpkin pie. The men folk watch football on television. That’s right, Thanksgiving…. Now, then, everyone take your hand and place it on the paper with your fingers spread out real wide. Just like this… (She demonstrates) and trace your hand with one of your crayons… Very good. Try to stay close to your fingers…That’s good. Very good. Look at all the little artists…. Hold up your paper and take a look. What does it look like? You know what it looks like to me? A turkey! A naked turkey. Now, we don’t want the turkey to catch a cold, so we better put feathers on him. Use your crayons to make feathers for your turkey. Do a good job. If you do a good job, I’ll put your turkey on the “Good Job” wall…(As the children draw, Mrs. Gruber walks among them making comments and sharing fun facts about Thanksgiving)…

- Turkeys are a very important part of our national heritage. Does anyone know why? Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey our national bird instead of the eagle. Ben Franklin was stupid.
- Turkeys have feathers and wings but can’t fly. Do you k now why they can’t fly? Because they’re too fat. There’s a lesson there for some of you, isn’t there?
- Does anyone know what a turkey sounds like? Can you make the sound? Tom turkeys make that sound as a mating call. Does anyone know what that means, because you shouldn’t?
- At the first Thanksgiving, they didn’t have a lot of the things that we have at Thanksgiving. They didn’t have any bread, butter, milk, cheese or pumpkin pie. This is why the pilgrims grew to hate the Indians.
- Has anyone ever got the wishbone of the turkey on Thanksgiving? You did? What did you wish for? It’s actually a bone at the top of the turkey’s chest, so when you’re making a wish, it’s like you’re snapping its neck from the inside. Neat-o, hunh?
-
(Mrs. Gruber also picks up different drawings, criticizing them for being good or bad or wall worthy. Principal Mylie enters and stands in the back of the room.)

PRINCIPAL (calmly)

Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Principal Mylie. How nice of you to come visit us. Children, say hello to Principal Mylie.

PRINCIPAL

Hello, children. Mrs. Gruber, the police are outside.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, did they wish to speak to the children about safety? Could they come back tomorrow? Right now, we’re making turkeys. Would you like to make a turkey, Principal Mylie?

PRINICPAL

No. Thank you. Mrs. Gruber, if I don’t come out in a few minutes. They’re going to come in and I can’t be responsible for what they might do to you.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, my, that sounds serious.

PRINICPAL

You can’t just show up at the school and take children away in your station wagon.

MRS. GRUBER

You mean The Learning Mobile. Wasn’t riding in The Learning Mobile fun kids.

NATE

The fumes made me sleepy.

MRS. GRUBER

No, dear. That was the kool-aid.

PRINCIPAL

Mrs. Gruber. Phyllis. The children need to get out of your basement and come back to school. Their parents are worried.

MRS. GRUBER

The kids are safe here. They just woke up from their sleepy time nap and now we’re learning about Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL

Phyllis. You’re not a teacher anymore. You retired last year.

MRS. GRUBER

But, I didn’t retire.

PRINICPAL

Not willingly, no. You were retired. By the school board. Look, you really need to let the kids go or the police-

COP (Off, on a bullhorn)

Mrs. Gruber. This is the police. Let the children come out before we come in.

MRS. GRUBER

Children! Back to your seats! Quick! Quick!

(Mrs. Gruber turns out the lights as the kids scramble back to their seats. We hear sounds of a police SWAT team breaking down a door and storming the basement. They have lasers and flashlights on their rifles.)

MRS. GRUBER

My country tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of thee I sing- Sing with me children! –

COP

Taser her! Taser her!

MRS. GRUBER (while being tasered)

Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From every mountainside, let freedom ring!!!

(We hear an electric shock. Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 184 - "Disco Heaven"

“Disco Heaven”
Written by Joe Janes
7/21/09
184 of 365

CAST
Alan, 40s
Nina, 40s

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)

NINA

Alan?

ALAN

Yes?

NINA

Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.

(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)

ALAN

I’m not sure how I got here.

NINA

Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.

(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)

ALAN

Where am I?

NINA

You have no idea?

ALAN

Am I dead?

NINA

You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.

ALAN

How-

NINA

But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.

ALAN

Is this heaven?

NINA

No.

ALAN

Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)

NINA

Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?

ALAN

Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?

NINA (sitting)

I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?

ALAN

Interests?

NINA

Yes.

ALAN

Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.

NINA

Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.

ALAN

Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.

NINA

How do you help the homeless?

ALAN

By not disturbing them.

NINA

Alan. What do you do for fun?

ALAN

Fun?

NINA

Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?

ALAN

Other than-?

NINA

Yes. Other than.

ALAN

Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.

NINA

Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.

ALAN

I died in my quest for warm cheese.

NINA

Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.

ALAN

To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?

NINA

The only real mortal sin is boredom.

ALAN

What about murder?

NINA

That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.

ALAN

No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.

NINA

It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.

ALAN

I’m a fun guy.

NINA

You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.

ALAN

But my weekends-

NINA

More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-

ALAN

Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.

NINA

You do impressions?

ALAN

Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.

NINA

Okay. Amaze me.

ALAN

Um… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

NINA

That was -?

ALAN

Oh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.

NINA

Do another one.

ALAN (as a duck)

“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”

NINA

That’s delightful! I love it.

ALAN (as a duck)

“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”

NINA

John Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.

(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)

ALAN

Yay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"

NINA

Can you do Donald Duck?

ALAN

Uh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.

(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)

NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)

That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.

ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)

Thanks, Nina.

NINA

You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.

(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)