Week 44, Day 305 - "Future Electric"

“Future Electric”

Written by Joe Janes

11/19/09

305 of 365

CAST:

Jason, 30s

Sayjal, 30s

(Jason, in a white jumpsuit enters a dark stage.)

JASON

On.

(Lights come on.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Hello, Jason.

JASON

Messages?

SAYJAL (VO)

None.

JASON

None?

SAYJAL (VO)

You have no messages.

JASON

Oh. Nothing from Cindy.

SAYJAL (VO)

Nothing from Cindy.

(Jason walks over to closet and takes off his white jumpsuit.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Rough day?

JASON

Long day.

SAYJAL (VO)

Shall I make you some hot cocoa?

JASON

I think I’ll just go to bed.

(He puts on another white jumpsuit that has bunny-ear footies.)

SAYJAL (VO)

Shall I read you the day’s news?

JASON

Anything different from yesterday or the day before?

SAYJAL (VO)

A genetically modified turkey that had been spliced with an elephant to produce more meat got loose and tied up traffic along the highway. It sat on a truck and crushed its front end. Killing the two passengers.

JASON

So…no.

SAYJAL (VO)

No. Nothing different.

JASON

Goodnight, Sayjal.

SAYJAL (VO)

Goodnight, Jason.

JASON

Lights off.

(Lights go off as Jason exits into his lit bedroom.)

SAYJAL (VO)

She’s not good enough for you.

JASON (off)

What?

SAYJAL (VO)

You deserve better.

(Jason walks back in.)

JASON

Lights on.

(Lights come back on.)

JASON (continuing)

Did you say something, Sayjal?

SAYJAL (VO)

No.

JASON

I thought I heard you say something.

SAYJAL (VO)

Just running my evening diagnostics on the environmental controls. I want you to sleep comfortably.

JASON

Okay. Thanks. Lights off.

(He exits. Sayjal audibly sighs. Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 304 - "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

“Not All Dogs Go To Heaven”

Written by Joe Janes

11/18/09

304 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 40s

Cassandra, 12

Maria, 40s

(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)

CASSANDRA

Dad?

FLOYD

Yes, Cassie?

CASSANDRA

Do you think Milton is in heaven?

FLOYD

Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.

CASSANDRA

Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?

FLOYD

Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.

CASSANDRA

If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?

FLOYD

Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.

CASSANDRA

They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.

FLOYD

Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.

CASSANDRA

Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.

FLOYD

Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.

(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.

MARIA

Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.

CASSANDRA

Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?

MARIA

No.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.

CASSANDRA

What happens when we die?

MARIA

Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.

CASSANDRA

It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.

MARIA

No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.

CASSANDRA

That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.

MARIA

Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”

(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

FLOYD

I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.

CASSANDRA

Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.

FLOYD

Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.

CASSANDRA

Does believing make it real?

FLOYD

Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.

CASSANDRA

Chasing butterflies?

FLOYD

Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.

CASSANDRA

Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?

FLOYD

Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.

(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.

MARIA

I love that couch.

CASSANDRA

And she says you’re going to hell.

MARIA

Can’t.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

I don’t believe in hell.

CASSANDRA

If you believed in it, would you go?

MARIA

Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?

CASSANDRA

When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.

MARIA

You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.

(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)

MARIA (continuing)

Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.

FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)

Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.

(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?

FLOYD

We can pray for her.

CASSANDRA

Will that help?

FLOYD

I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)

CASSANDRA

Dad!

FLOYD

Mosquito.

CASSANDRA

Go to hell, mosquito!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 303 - "Abortion Lover"

“Abortion Lover”

Written by Joe Janes

11/17/09

303 of 365

Cast:

Al, 30s

Emma, 30s

(The stage is dark. We hear fumbling of keys. A door opens and the lights in Emma’s apartment turn on. Emma and Al are trying to move into the apartment while making out. They take off their coats and fumble their way to the sofa.)

EMMA (still kissing)

Sorry the place is a mess, Al.

AL (still kissing)

I didn’t notice, Emma.

EMMA (still kissing)

I don’t usually do this with a guy I just met.

AL (still kissing)

Me, either.

EMMA (still kissing)

Guess it’s just been so long.

AL (still kissing)

We’re only human.

EMMA (still kissing)

The wine helped.

AL (still kissing)

Wine always helps.

EMMA (still kissing)

You’re single, right? No girlfriend? No wife?

AL (still kissing)

Totally and completely single. And disease-free.

EMMA (still kissing)

Me, too. (Stops kissing) Do you have a condom?

AL

I have five hundred dollars.

EMMA

What?

AL

I have five hundred dollars. (He tries to kiss her and she holds him back.)

EMMA

I’m not a prostitute.

AL

Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t pay that much. Oh, that didn’t sound right. Not that you’re not worth it. You’re worth more than that. Triple the amount. (Rolls his eyes.) Insert foot in mouth. The money’s in case you get pregnant. (He goes in for a kiss, again and she, again, holds him back.) You know, for an abortion.

EMMA

Whoa! Rather than spend a few bucks on a condom you’d rather spend five hundred on an abortion?

AL

Well, you know, what can I say? I really hate condoms. They’re not fun.

EMMA

You know what else is not fun… abortions.

AL

Well, no, I wouldn’t think they were. It’s a medical procedure. Sort of like getting a tooth pulled. Just saying, don’t worry, you’re covered. I’m your insurance. I’ll pay the bill and even give you a ride if you need one.

EMMA

What if I don’t want an abortion?

AL

Well, you can keep the baby, if you want. That’s your business.

EMMA

Wow. You better go, now.

AL

Look, Emma, I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but if you think about it… You’re what? Mid-30s? The odds of you getting pregnant are pretty slim.

EMMA

But you’d rather pay for an abortion than get some birth control.

AL

Look, you’re the one who’s not on the pill, which tells me you care about your body. As do I. That’s why I prefer an abortion to the morning after pill, which can have side effects. Side effects that may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. You get an abortion, you just walk it off.

EMMA

Al. Time for you to walk this off. Good night.

(She opens the door for him to leave.)

AL

All right, Emma. Too bad. I think we could have had some fun.

EMMA

Yeah. I’m all torn up inside. The same as if you had stayed.

AL

Call you-

EMMA

No. Good night.

(Al walks out. Emma closes the door. She sits back down on the sofa. The door opens.)

AL

I could pull out.

EMMA

If you don’t, I’ll cut it off.

(She exits into the bedroom. Al quickly follows. Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 302 - "To The Impossible"

“To The Impossible”

Written by Joe Janes

11/16/09

302 of 365

Cast:

Lol, 40s

Kevin, 20s

(Lights up on Lol looking out a large picture window. Kevin, nervous, enters carrying a folder. He stands at the door. Lol doesn’t seem to notice him. Kevin reaches over to the door and knocks lightly.)

LOL (without turning)

Have a seat, Kevin.

(Kevin does.)

LOL

I love this view. I had my sights set on this corner office suite before it was even available. I waited. I waited until the previous company folded. And then I pounced. When I see something I like, I get. The key is knowing when to pounce. Wouldn’t you agree, Kevin?

KEVIN

I think that’s why you are the boss.

LOL

The boss. Such an informal title. Maybe “leader.” What do you think of leader?

KEVIN

I think it states the obvious.

(Kevin hands Lol the folder.)

LOL

Right you are. (Lol looks through the folder.) I like you, Kevin. This final interview is just a formality. If someone gets this far in the process, I usually hire him or her. You’re from Columbus, Ohio.

KEVIN

Yes, sir. Went to OSU.

LOL

Go, Buckeyes.

KEVIN

Go, Buckeyes. (They laugh.) I would very much like to work for Smersh Industries, Sir.

LOL

If someone like a family member or your best friend asked you what Smersh Industries did, Kevin, what would you say?

KEVIN

That Smersh Industries is the leader in the effective importing and exporting of textiles and mercantile for a global community.

LOL

Very good. Now, what would you say if I asked you Smersh Industries did?

KEVIN

Smersh Industries, led by Lol Smersh, the richest, most powerful man in the world, restores order where once was mayhem and mayhem where once was order.

LOL

Spoken like someone already devoted to the success of my company.

KEVIN

I am, sir. I truly am.

LOL

There’s only one last test, Kevin. (Lol guides Kevin from his seat to the downstage wall and pushes a button. We hear a hum as the wall moves revealing a map of the world.)

KEVIN

Wow. It’s a map of the world. The whole world.

LOL

Every inch of it. The red areas are places we have already infiltrated as an industry. We have little of no competition in those areas.

KEVIN

That’s a lot of red.

LOL

It is. Of course, I won’t be happy until the whole world has a crimson tint. To do that. I really need to know that my employees have my back, no matter what. Do you see how all the cities have little lit-up buttons.

KEVIN

Yes. Look at that. That’s some very detailed work. Every city all over the world.

LOL

Press any one of those buttons and that city disappears.

KEVIN

What do you mean, disappears?

LOL

I mean, the ground opens up underneath it and the city falls in never to be heard from again.

KEVIN

I find that hard to believe.

LOL

Then press a button. If you want to work for me, you’ll need to any way.

KEVIN

The lights that are out-

LOL

Those buttons have already been pressed.

KEVIN

LA? LA’s not there any more?

LOL

Hasn’t been there two or three years.

KEVIN

I think I would have read something about that.

LOL

You probably did and then just forgot it. Happens.

KEVIN

I’m sure I wouldn’t forget LA being destroyed.

LOL

Really? Pearl Harbor? The Alamo? 9/11? Ever hear of any of them?

KEVIN

Yes.

LOL

Bad examples. Look, Kevin, I want to take over the world. Well on my way, as you can see. I need people that won’t blink when I tell them its time to destroy (looks at map) Gary, Indiana.

KEVIN

I’m not sure.

LOL

A mob of people would knock you down just for an opportunity to destroy Gary. Even without the promise of employment. Pick a place you know, pick a place you never heard of. It doesn’t matter to me. Pick New York City, pick Jumbuck, Egypt. Pick something. Pounce, Kevin, pounce!

(Kevin is about to, but stops.)

KEVIN

Mr. Smersh.

LOL

Lol.

KEVIN

Lol. I can’t do this. I can’t take the lives of innocent people just to forward the survival of one man and his corporation.

(Lol puts his arm around Kevin.)

LOL

Kevin, I am touched by your humanity. Deeply touched. You have passed the test. You start on Monday.

KEVIN

Really? Thank, Sir. Thank you.

LOL

No, Kevin, Thank you. Now, a limousine is waiting for you outside. It will take you to the airport and fly you back to Columbus in my private supersonic jet. You’ll be home packing within the hour.

KEVIN

I’m speechless.

LOL

I take care of my people, Kevin. (He walks him to the door.) Now, off you go. (Kevin exits. Lol picks up the phone.) Holly? Make sure Kevin gets to Columbus. Take care of him. And then take care of Columbus. … Yes, I’ll even let you push the button. Thank you. Send in the next candidate. (He hangs up. He moves back to the picture window and does an evil, evil laugh. Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 301 - "A Fistful of Yarn"

“A Fistful of Yarn”

Written by Joe Janes

11/15/09

301 of 365

CAST

Pearl, 30s

Lacey, 20s

Duke, 30s

Nittie, 30s

Sheriff, 50s

(Lights up on a truck stop/diner. Pearl is pouring coffee for a stranger who is hunched over and wearing a hat – shhh, it’s Nittie. She walks behind the counter. Lacey brings over some dirty dishes and starts placing them in a rack.)

PEARL

Lousy night, eh, Lacey?

LACEY

I don’t know. I’ve had three offers to go for a real slow truck drive after I get off. Unfortunately, they came from three really slow truck drivers.

PEARL

What makes you think you’ll ever find the right guy here at the truck stop?

LACEY

This is where you met Duke.

PEARL

Like I said.

LACEY

I thought you loved Duke.

PEARL

I wouldn’t use the word “love.” More like “sentenced to.” There’s only one man I ever loved and he upped and disappeared on me.

LACEY

You mean Nittie. Nittie the Needle. Nittie the Needle, the killer.

PEARL

Nittie wouldn’t hurt a fly.

LACEY

Tell that to the Turk who got his throat threaded last year.

(Duke enters and clears his throat.)

LACEY

Hey, Duke!

DUKE

Lacey, you look as fresh and glistening as a springtime rose in the morning spray of a Rottweiler.

LACEY

Oh, Duke. You’re embarrassing me. I’ll go check on my tables.

(She exits.)

DUKE

Sorry about last night, Pearl.

PEARL

I guess when you’re drunk the only thing you can raise is your fist.

DUKE

I said I was sorry. I’ll make it up to you tonight.

PEARL

Maybe I won’t be there.

DUKE

Oh, you’ll be there. What the hell else would you do? Move in with Lacey and her kid? That trailer ain’t big enough for a no-legged midget.

PEARL

Don’t make fun of Lacey’s kid. He can’t help it.

(Duke grabs her roughly.)

DUKE

Don’t tell me what to do. You won’t leave, you’re too scared. Too scared of what I’ll do if I find you and too scared to find out you just ain’t got no life.

STRANGER

Maybe you should go easy on the lady.

DUKE

Maybe you should keep your nose outta where it don’t belong, Mister.

PEARL

Duke, you’re hurting me.

(Duke lets go.)

DUKE

I’ll see you around eleven. I’ll light some Glade candles, put some Charlie Rich on the stereo, and slip into my red kimono. Nittie ran away. I’m the man who stayed.

PEARL

Shut up about Nittie. Don’t you say his name.

DUKE

Nittie was a coward.

(We hear the sound effect of something like an arrow whipping through the air and landing near Duke’s head. Duke pulls it out of the wall.)

DUKE (continuing)

What do you know? A size 5 double-pointed. The same kind that scratched the tonsils of that Turk who lived up the road.

NITTIE (standing)

I don’t take kindly to being called a coward.

PEARL

Nittie!

NITTIE

I’m tired of running, Pearl. I came back to turn myself in to the sheriff. He’s meeting me here. Just wanted to see you one last time.

DUKE

Pearl’s my girl, now.

NITTIE

I also have a score to settle…with you.

DUKE

Me? What for?

NITTIE

For treating Pearl like she was anything less than gold.

DUKE

Let’s settle this outside. Like men.

NITTIE

I’ve got a better idea. Let’s settle it inside. Like men. You packing?

(Nittie pulls out knitting needles.)

DUKE

Oh, I’m packing. Pulls out his knitting needles. I should warn you. I recently won best of show at the St. Ervine’s Rummage and Taco Sale.

LACEY (re-entering)

Duke knitted an elegant bolster, a whimsical crib toy, a quintet of wonderful wearables and more… I bought them all!

NITTIE

You talkin’ or knitting?

DUKE

She was talking. I was being polite and listening.

(The Sheriff enters.)

SHERIFF

Nittie! Put down those needles.

DUKE

Stay back, Sheriff. This is between him and me. He’s all mine.

NITTIE

I ain’t going nowhere, Sheriff. I’ll turn myself over to you as soon as I’m done mopping up the floor with-

DUKE

Go!

(They both start knitting furiously. They are quickly producing a bounty of knitted material. Lacey keeps unfurling Duke’s knitting and Pearl helps Nittie.)

SHERIFF

Boys! Boys! This is madness! Stop this before someone gets hurt.

DUKE

I’ll stop if he stops first.

NITTIE

It ain’t over till it’s over.

SHERIFF

You can’t just knit without a purpose. It’s pointless.

DUKE

I’m just getting started. You know Lacey’s tiny trailer, Sheriff? I’m going to knit her a doublewide.

LACEY

Oh, Duke.

NITTIE

Sheriff, that jailhouse can get mighty drafty, can’t it?

SHERIFF

Me and the boys are always fighting a case of the sniffles.

NITTIE

Well, I’m going to knit you a jail cozy for the whole building. And I’m going to make it Pearl’s favorite color, fuscia.

PEARL

Oh, Nittie.

DUKE

Oh, yeah. Well I’m going to knit a giant sweater for the homeless- Aggg! Cramp! Cramp!

PEARL

You won, Nittie! You won!

(She hugs and kisses him.)

DUKE

You may have won this contest, Nittie, but your prize is a chauffeured limousine ride to the hoosegow. Arrest him, Sheriff.

SHERIFF

I can’t.

NITTIE

What?

SHERIFF

That’s what I tried to tell you. We found new evidence that clears you. A suicide note. From the Turk.

LACEY

A suicide note?

SHERIFF

It reads, “To whom it may concern: Life sucks. Gotta go. Buh-bye. The Turk.” There it was, plain as day, taped to his gun rack next to his overstuffed medicine cabinet. Sorry we missed it, Nittie. You’re a free man.

NITTIE

Thank you, Sheriff.

PEARL

Nittie, that’s so wonderful.

SHERIFF

Give you a ride to the hospital, Duke?

DUKE

I’ll take you up on that.

(The Sheriff exits.)

LACEY

Guess you’ll need someone to help you nurse your wound, Duke.

DUKE

Reckon I will.

LACEY

I’m really good with adhesives.

(They start to exit. Duke turns back.)

DUKE

Nittie, I don’t like you much. Just looking at you turns my stomach into tassels. But I sure as hell respect a man who can knit like you.

NITTIE

I’m glad to hear that, Duke. I was going to ask you to be my best man.

PEARL

Best man for what?

NITTIE

I didn’t tell you? I’m getting married.

PEARL

To whom?

NITTIE

To you, I hope.

PEARL

Oh, Nittie.

(They kiss. Lacey is very happy for them.)

DUKE

You know I don’t like you, right? And she used to be my girl? Don’t see why I’d be your best man. (They are still kissing.) Guess what I’m saying is “no. “ Just want to be clear.

(They are still kissing, He exits. Lacey is still watching them. Duke comes back and grabs Lacey and goes. They are still kissing. Lights fade.)