Week 51, Day 353 - "Anna.2"

“Anna.2”

Written by Joe Janes

1/6/10

353 of 365

Cast

Rammel, 30s

Anna.2, 30s robot

Anna, 30s

(Lights up on a man on a young Asian man in a dark suit.)

RAMMEL

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the unveiling of the latest GoogiTech robot. Over the years, we have made many advances in the technology of lifelike robots designed to be useful as well as aesthetically pleasing. Allow me to introduce to you, Anna.2.

(There’s a shift in lights and we hear some electronic music kick in as we anticipate Anna’s appearance. Rammel apologetically scurries backstage to see what’s going on.)

RAMMEL

Women. Never on time, am I right? She’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. Look. Here she is, now.

(Anna.2, dressed in a sharp business outfit, enters. She walks very slowly in that Japanese robot way – erect posture, legs squatting a bit. She makes her way to center stage. Rammel cues the music to fade out. It does.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Welcome. Say hello to the people.

(Anna looks around slowly and mechanically.)

ANNA.2

Hello. I love you.

RAMMEL

Ahhh. Isn’t she sweet? Anna. Tell the people some of the things you can do.

ANNA.2

I can help around the house. I also dance and play the violin.

RAMMEL

Anna. Why don’t you show us that? I’m sure the people would love to see you dance and play violin. (He encourages the audience to applaud as he hands her a violin and bow.

ANNA.2

It would be my pleasure to do anything you ask me to do, Rammel.

(She begins to play something – obviously recorded – like Bond’s “Senorita.” Rammel gets swept up in this and begins to dance, poorly, with her, devolving into juking on her. Anna, in a similar business suit as Anna.2, steps up onto the stage. She holds out a remote, points it at Anna.2 and clicks it. Anna freezes and the music stops cold. Rammel jukes for a bit more and then comes out of it with great embarrassment.)

ANNA

Having a good time, Rammel?

RAMMEL

Anna! Um…

ANNA

How dare you unveil your prototype without letting me know.

RAMMEL

I sent out an e-mail blast to the whole company. Maybe you should check your junk folder.

ANNA

Maybe you should check your junk folder.

RAMMEL

Ladies and gentlemen of the press. This is Anna Fink. Head of research and development at GoogiTech. (He tries to get everyone to clap for her as Anna walks around Anna.2, checking her out.) Well, what do you think of Anna.2?

ANNA

You disgust me. I told you I wasn’t interested and this is what you do? That shameless grope at the holiday office party still feels like a greasy stain on my soul.

RAMMEL

For me, it was a stain on my heart. A good stain. Like when you stain furniture.

ANNA

I want her dismantled. And I want my violin back. (She tries to take it from Anna.2, who does not release her grip.) Make her let it go.

(Rammel presses a button on Anna.2’s back. She comes back on, but holds tightly to the violin.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Let the violin go.

ANNA.2

I dance and play the violin for Rammel.

ANNA

Not any more.

(The two Anna’s wrestle for it for a second as Bond’s “Explosive” kicks in. Rammel is very excited by the Anna on Anna.2 robot catfight. He starts juking to the music, again, this time on the real Anna. She kicks him off, grabs her remote and turns Anna off, again.)

ANNA

You’re fired.

RAMMEL

No, please. Can’t you see that I did it for you? It’s like a monument to your beauty. And power. Through her, your legacy at GoogiTech will live forever.

(Anna uses the remote to turn Anna.2 back on.)

ANNA

Anna. You dance and play violin and help around the house. Is there anything else you do?

ANNA.2

I also hold Rammel in my arms, as he lies naked in my lap drinking cinnamon schnapps and crying about how lonely he is. I also clean up the resulting spilled fluids.

ANNA

She gets dismantled. I get my violin back. And you walk out the front door escorted by a security guard by 5 o’clock. Sorry, folks. This press conference is over.

(Anna exits.)

RAMMEL

Sorry everybody. There are snacks in the lobby for you. Anna really is a great boss to work for. And Anna.2 is really such a breakthrough… oh, what’s the use?

(Anna.2 puts her arm around Rammel who starts to cry on her shoulder.)

ANNA.2

There, there. I understand. You are brave and handsome. Take off your clothes.

(Rammel looks around for a second and quickly starts to peel off his clothes as lights fade.)

365 in the News!

Hey! The Onion's A.V. Club gives 365 Sketches a shout out as the show to check out on Thursday. Woo-hoo! http://www.avclub.com/chicago/articles/sketchfests-broad-strokes,36438

Apparently, we also featured in Chicago's "Red Eye" as one of five shows to see. I think it's only in the hard copy. I couldn't find it on-line.

Yippeeeeeee!

Week 51, Day 352 - "Hi-Def"

“Hi-Def”

Written by Joe Janes

1/5/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Kevin, 30s

Marcia, 30s

(Lights up on Kevin downstage carefully wiping off what appears to be a large screen with a cloth.)

KEVIN

Marcia! Marcia, come here!

(Marcia enters with a bowl of popcorn.)

MARCIA

What, Kevin.

KEVIN

Look at this. Look how clear it is. And the depth. I can see every detail. I can see dewdrops on the leaves. Look at the pores on that guy’s face. I can almost feel the wind blowing through the trees. This is amazing.

MARCIA

Yep. Amazing. You should clean the windows more often. Let’s go watch the Nature Channel.

(She exits. Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 351 - "Polka Dots and Moonbeams"

“Polka Dots and Moonbeams”

Written by Joe Janes

1/4/10

351 of 365

Cast:

Princess Peanut, 20s

Felicia, 20s

Freddie, 20s

Fergie, 20s

Fernando, 20s

(Lights up on flowers Felicia, Freddie and Fergie enjoying the sun coming up on their faces. Princess Peanut enters with a watering can and large sheers.)

PRINCESS

Good morning, flowers!

FLOWERS ALL

Good morning, Princess Peanut!

PRINCESS

What a lovely day it is today.

FELICIA

It truly is a lovely day. The sun is on my face and I feel so alive.

PRINCESS

And you look so pretty, Felicia.

FELICIA

Thank you, Princess Peanut.

FREDDIE

I, too, appreciate this lovely day. And everyone smells so delightful. Even me!

PRINCESS

Yes, you do, Freddie. You smell so fresh and pretty.

FREDDIE

Thank you, Princess Peanut.

(Fergie sighs a big sigh.)

PRINCESS

What’s the matter, Fergie? You’re the tallest and prettiest flower of them all.

FERGIE

Thank you, Princess Peanut. I was just thinking.

PRINCESS

About what, Fergie?

FERGIE

Oh, nothing.

PRINCESS

I think we’d all like to know, wouldn’t we?

(All the Felicia and Freddie chime in with “yeses” and “sures.”)

FERGIE

I miss Fernando.

FELICIA

We all miss Fernando.

FREDDIE

I admire Fernando. One day, he is standing right next to me, the next day, he is riding in your loverly buttercup hair, Princess.

PRINCESS

Fernando is in a happy place, now.

FELICIA

The garden on the castle’s roof?

PRINCESS

Yes. Exactly. He is there with all the other flowers that have come from this garden. You should be happy for Fernando, Fergie.

FERGIE

I guess. We’re flowers, right?

FELICIA

The prettiest flowers in the land!

FREDDIE

None prettier.

PRINCESS

I have to agree with Felicia and Freddie.

FERGIE

And what does one do with flowers?

PRINCESS

Well, Fergie. I water you and take care of you. And I admire how pretty you all are. And then I move you to a better place.

(All the flowers except Fergie cheer.)

FERGIE

Sure, sure. But then what?

PRINCESS

I’m not sure what you mean.

(Fernando, the stub of a flower rises from the dirt.)

FERNANDO

I know what petal face means.

FELICIA

It’s a monster!

FERNANDO

I am no monster.

PRINCESS

Must be a pesky weed. I’ll just pull it-

FERNANDO

I am no weed. I am one of you.

FERGIE

Fernando!

FREDDIE

Impossible. It can’t be. Is it? Fernando?

FERNANDO

I am what is left of Fernando. Princess Peanut picked the flower, but left the roots. And I know. I know what happens to the flowers, Princess Peanut.

PRIINCESS

Well, then, perhaps you should explain it to the rest of us, Fernando. If that’s really who you are. Although the Fernando I knew was handsome.

FERNANDO (to the flowers)

You’re new. You’re young. You’re pretty. I was pretty.

FERGIE

It’s not going to be like this forever, is it?

PRINCESS

What makes you think of such things?

FELICIA

I don’t. I don’t think about anything, Princess Peanut.

PRINCESS

Good for you, Felicia.

FREDDIE

I didn’t think about it until now. What exactly do you plan to do with us, Princess?

FERNANDO

Tell them the truth.

PRINCESS

Well, I was going to gather you all up and bring you inside to enjoy sitting in a vase on my dinner table.

FELICIA

You’re going to eat us?

PRINCESS

No, no, Felicia. I won’t eat you. I just think you’ll look pretty there.

FELICIA

I think I look pretty here.

PRINCESS

The truth is, Fernando and Fergie are right. This doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later, I have to pick you. If I don’t, you’ll just die where you are. (Looking at Fernando) Eventually.

FREDDIE

If you pick us, we don’t die?

FERNANDO

You die that way, too.

PRINCESS

Just with more dignity.

FERNANDO

Until you start to droop and get throw you out with the trash.

PRINCESS

But you’ll be dead and very unaware by that time.

FERNANDO

Fernando was not unaware. We were connected. I could feel his silent screams as his stem and flowers dried up and turned to rot.

FELICIA

I don’t want to die that way.

FERNANDO

We don’t have to. Aha! (He holds up the pair of large sheers Princess Peanut left on the ground.) We can cut our selves loose and run for freedom. (He cuts himself free and passes the sheers along.)

PRINCESS

No. You can’t leave. I have guests coming over for dinner tonight. I won’t let you leave.

FERGIE

You don’t want to get in our way.

FREDDIE

Get her!

(The all rush toward her and fall to the ground.)

FERNANDO

That was a bad idea.

(Blackout.)

365 At Chicago Sketchfest - Thursday, January 7th, 8pm

The full cast and scenes for January 7th Sketchfest Show!


Garin Jones, Becky Eldridge, JBen Parker, Chrissy
Swinko, Chris Day, Jeremy Schaefer (LOL Theater) – “Sketch 354” – That day’s sketch!

Neil Arsenty, Tim Huerlin, Kate Lambert (members
of Cell Camp) – Sketch 109 - “Bullet Flu”

Mackenzie Yeager and Kelly Kerwin - Sketch... 18 – “Single White
Friendster”

Kevin Gladish – Sketch 8 - “Pushing The Envelope”

Pat Dwyer and Erin Pallesen (KerPatty) - Sketch 129 - “Langley and Pratt”

Chloe Ditzel – Sketch 55 - “Happy Ending”

Dustin Levell, Evan O’Donnel, Kurt Lewis (PIP) – Sketch 104 - “Weenus”

Becca Levine, Mary Cait Walthall, Doug Werder, Don
Loukota, Nat Topping, Chris Othic (director) (Robot vs Dinosaur) – Sketch 227 - "I Love 2 Boogie"

For ticket info, go to www.chicagosketchfest.com.

Week 50, Day 350 - "Blockbusted"

“Blockbusted”

Written by Joe Janes

1/3/10

350 of 365

Cast:

Blockbuster Manager. 30s

Joe, 20s

(Lights up on manager and Joe in office. The manager is looking over paper work.)

MANAGER

Well, Joe, we’ve processed all your information. We’re very excited that you applied to work for Blockbuster.

JOE

Just happy to have a job, Sir. When do I start?

MANAGER

Unfortunately, there’s a problem with your drug test.

JOE

I don’t do drugs.

MANAGER

That’s the problem. (Takes out a joint.) If you’re going to work crap hours at shit pay, we need people who are as stoned as possible. (Lights it and takes a toke.) Sorry. (Offers it to Joe. Joe shakes his head.)

(Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 349 - "Much To Do"

“Much To Do”

Written by Joe Janes

1/2/10

349 of 365

CAST:
Carl, 30s

Donna, 30s

(Lights up on Carl sitting at a table sipping coffee and writing the final item of a list. He looks satisfied. Donna enters in her bathrobe and pours herself a cup of coffee.)

DONNA

You’re up early.

CARL

Yep. I’m tired of pissing my days away. I have a lot of stuff I need to do at work and around the house, so I got up early and made a list. Here’s all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

DONNA

You made a “to do” list?

CARL

That’s a good name for it. I like it. I’m going to steal that.

(He writes “to do” at the top of his list.)

DONNA

That’s what they’re called.

CARL

Then I have made a “to do” list.

(Pause.)

DONNA

Why aren’t you “to do”-ing things?

CARL

My “to do” list officially starts tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to fuck off.

DONNA

Make sure you right that down.

(He does. Blackout.)