Week 50, Day 347 - "Dining In Hell"

“Dining In Hell”

Written by Joe Janes

12/31/09

347 of 365

Cast,

King Leonidas, 30s

Maître de, 40s

Jose, 20s

(Lights up on ready-for-action King Leonidas addressing the other Spartans – the audience,)

KING LEONIDAS

Spartans! Prepare for glory! For tonight, we dine in hell!

(He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. The nicely dressed maître de enters.)

MATRE DE

And do you have a reservation?

KING LEONIDAS (looking over podium)

Uh…King Leonidas. There we are.

MATRE DE

Ah, yes. I see. Party of 300. Is everyone here?

KING LEONIDAS

Yes! We are all here and ready to dine in hell!!!

MATRE DE

We’ll have to put a few tables together. It will take a few minutes. (The maître de snaps his fingers. Jose comes out in a vest and black pants. The maître de whispers to him. Jose nods and walks off. Leonidas just stands there, not sure what to do with himself.)

KING LEONIDAS

Will this take long?

MATRE DE

Just a few minutes. Hell is very busy this evening. I’m surprised you were able to find parking.

KING LEONIDAS

We marched here on foot. From Sparta.

MATRE DE

I see. Good weather for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Yes. It was very pleasant.

(Pause.)

MATRE DE

Would you like to look at a menu while you wait?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure.

(The maître de hands him a menu and he looks at it.)

KING LEONIDAS

Do you have any specials?

MATRE DE (confidentially)

Nothing I would recommend. Stick to the pasta dishes. Can’t go wrong with them. And save room for the bread pudding. Heavenly, but you didn’t hear that from me.

(Jose comes out and whispers in the maître de’s ear. The maître de looks disappointed, whispers back in Jose’s ear. Jose whispers back, angrily.)

KING LEONIDAS

Is there a problem?

MATRE DE

No problem. Pardon me for a moment.

(The maître de produces a trident from his suit jacket and pulls Jose aside. He beats Jose with the trident.)

MATRE DE (working himself into a frenzy)

Insolent ignorant lowlife drone! If there aren’t enough clean glasses for water for 300, wash some more. If there aren’t enough, use the pint glasses! Do I have to think of everything, Mommy? Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (Hugs Jose as he calms himself down.) Now, go. (Jose exits.) I’m afraid it will be just a little longer. I’m very sorry.

KING LEONIDAS

Well, you know. We’re anxious to eat. We have a big battle we don’t want to be late for.

MATRE DE (Handing him a beeper)

Here’s a pager. As soon as your table is ready, we’ll buzz you. I’ll go help get your table set to expedite things. And I’m going to go ahead and order you some appetizers. On the house. Chicken wings and mushroom caps, okay?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure. Oh, wait. Daxos is a vegetarian. (The maître de looks at him quizzically) I know. And he’s a real pain in the ass about it.

MATRE DE

I’ll ask the chef to make some tofu thing. We may have to charge you for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Sure, sure. Happens everywhere we go.

(The maître de exits. Pause.)

KING LEONIDAS

Soon, Spartans. We shall dine in hell. With garlic bread and stuffed mushroom cap appetizers. And some disgusting tofu thing for Daxos. I think I’m going to try the risotto. (The pager goes off) And make sure you save room for bread pudding! (He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 346 - "Fuck You, Harry Chapin"

“Fuck You, Harry Chapin”

Written by Joe Janes

12/30/09

346 of 365

Cast:

Bruce, 25

Ray, 50

Bob, 75

Joseph, 50s

Vernon, 50s

(Lights up on Bruce, in a plain solid colored t=shirt and jeans, stage right. Ray, in a tucked in dress shirt and khakis, center stage right. Joseph, wearing greasy coveralls, is center stage left and Vernon, in a hat and old suit, is stage left. They never address one another except when indicated. They speak out to the audience.)

BRUCE

My dad is old.

RAY

My dad is old.

(They wait for Bob who enters walking slowly with a metal hospital cane. He wears a trucker cap, a too small Wisconsin Dells sweatshirt, unmatching sweatpants, a large fanny pack, white socks and Velcro sandals. He makes his way to center stage.)

BOB

My dad is dead.

JOSEPH

My dad is dead.

VERNON

Ich bin tot.

RAY

My grandfather died before I was born. I asked my dad about him.

BOB

He was a nice guy.

JOSEPH (taking a swig from a flask)

How do you do?

BOB

When he wasn’t drinking.

JOSEPH

Go fuck yourself.

BOB

And he couldn’t handle money.

RAY (To Bruce)

Now I know where I get all that from.

BRUCE

I don’t drink.

RAY

Yet.

VERNON (passionately)

Ich kann nicht Deutsches sprechen. Dieses ist gerade auf Linie Übersetzung crappy. Ich nahm eine deutsche Kategorie in der Highschool, weil ich hörte, dass es einfach war. Ich fiel aus. Ist hier alles dieses erlernte I. Ein, zwei, drei. Das ist es.

BOB

I don’t know what my grandfather did for a living. I never thought to ask. He was an off the boat German. Barely spoke a lick of English.

BRUCE

My grandfather lives in another state. I see him once every few years. I don’t know much about him except for what my dad tells me, which isn’t much.

BOB

I don’t know much about him.

RAY

I only recently found out my grandfather was a mechanic.

BOB

He had a good reputation.

JOSEPH

I can fix your car. You don’t have any money. You figure something out. (He takes a swig from a flask.)

VERNON (sad)

Ich traf nie meine Enkelkinder.

JOSEPH

I died of a stroke before any grandchildren came along.

BOB

I have too many grandchildren to keep track of. My kids had kids and divorces and remarriages and added new kids and half-kids and adoptions. When I meet them, I just smile and nod.

RAY

No grandchildren, well, none that I know of.

BRUCE

I have a cat.

(We hear a short horn blast. We hear a loud instrumental version of Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s In The Cradle.” The five actors start walking in a circle with people getting frustrated with Bob and passing him. Except Ray, who stays politely behind his dad. The music stops abruptly with another horn blast. The actors scramble to the nearest spot. They now stand in this order: Vernon, Joseph, Bob, Ray, Bruce. They take on the roles of the spot they inhabit.)

BRUCE

Ich heiratete eine stark vorangegangene und harte hearted Frau.

RAY

I married a strong woman. Who said she would do what I said and then do something else.

BOB

I married a mousey woman who said she would do what I say and then do something else. We got a divorce after twenty years. Then I married a strong woman who ran after me. I do what she says. It’s the most peaceful route.

JOSEPH

I married my high school sweetheart when I was nineteen. Of course, that was doomed. One kid from that union. Then I married an attractive woman who didn’t seem repulsed by me. She had kids. Her husband turned out to be gay. I think she was just glad I wasn’t gay. That was the biggest thing I had in my favor. We had a kid. And another divorce.

VERNON

It is my second cat.

(Another horn blast and even faster “Cat’s In The Cradle” as the actors quickly move in a circle, except for Bob. Even Ray abandons him. A horn blast stops everything and the actors make it back to their original position.)

BRUCE

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

RAY

I told him he used to be good with his hands, but he smoked and drank and wasn’t around much.

BRUCE (To Ray)

Like you?

JOSEPH

Fuck you, Harry Chapin.

VERNON

Bumsen Sie Sie, Harry Chapin.

BOB

I don’t listen to that rock and roll “music.”

RAY

(To Bruce) No… (To Audience) I asked my dad about my grandfather.

BOB

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

JOSEPH

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

VERNON

Ich fragte meinen Vati nach meinem Großvater. Er besaß eine Katze. Meow!

(Horn blast, but no music, they don’t know what to do. Lights fade to black. The Harry Chapin music plays in the dark.)

Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language ^and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 344 - "Listless"

“Listless”

Written by Joe Janes

12/28/09/

344 of 365

Cast:

Morton, 40s

(Lights up on Morton sitting at a news desk.)

MORTON

Welcome back to The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker, but you already knew that or you wouldn’t be watching. It’s that time of year when I tell you what I think is the best of the best of this year. Why? I think so you don’t have to. When it comes to the best movies of the year, you know what I liked. There was that very expensive one in 3-D with the special effects that everyone paid lots of money to go see on its opening weekend before anyone could tell if it sucked or not, I like that one, you should, too. And let us not forget that one little independent film that all the critics raved about and that I pretend to understand. It rocked my world. Music, I like the one song where that chick made out with that girl in the leather leiderhosen at that awards show. You know the one. That was awesome. Books? Who cares? If it’s any good, I’ll wait for the movie. The best shows on the tube couldn’t hold an iFlame to that show everyone watches where people slap each other and sleep with each other and that one guy’s such a jerk and that one girl is super freaky and bitchy. And who doesn’t love a good cat fight? What a year it was! Of course, it wouldn’t be a show without pointing out the worst of the best. There was that film with the pop star who tried to act all serious and there was that rap album where the dude took himself all serious and thought he had an important message about fashion or something and it will be too soon when I see another TV show starring a 40-something actor trying to make a comeback in a show that’s all serious. Or a comedy. And on a somber note, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to remember all the Hollywood elite we lost this past year to prescription drugs and downhill skiing. (He looks on the verge of tears for a moment but quickly snaps out of it) This has been The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker. Next week, I’ll take a look at what you should be thinking about for the rest of the year. Good night, because I say it is.

Week 49, Day 343 - "Phantom Booger"

“Phantom Booger”

Written by Joe Janes

12/27/09

343 of 365

Cast:

Joe, 20s

Tina, 20s

(Lights up on Joe and Tina, an attractive young couple, walking through a park near the lake at night near a bench.)

JOE

Wow, this lake is really beautiful at night.

TINA

Yeah. It’s nice.

JOE

Let’s sit down and enjoy the view.

TINA

Okay.

(Joe sits. Tina sits, but not near him. Joe scoots over.)

JOE

Lovely night. Warm breeze. Lots of stars and a full moon. (Tina starts scratching her nose as Joe puts his arm around her.) Couldn’t ask for a more perfect –

TINA

Oh, I hate this.

JOE

Sorry, what?

(She starts pinching her nose. She grabs his shoulders.)

TINA

Look at me.

JOE (going in for a kiss)

Finally.

TINA

Do you see a booger?

JOE

Uh-

TINA

Look way up in there, Joe. Check for boogers.

JOE

I don’t see any-

TINA

Use your keychain light.

(Joe takes out his keys and looks up her nose with a little light.)

JOE

Clean as a whistle.

TINA

Are you sure? Did you look all the way in?

JOE

If I looked any further in, I’d see your brain.

TINA

Dammit. You ever get one of those?

JOE

One of those what, my love?

TINA

A phantom booger. You feel it. It feels like a rope sticking out of your nostril and you feel like everyone can see it, but there’s nothing there.

JOE

Yeah. I guess I’ve had one of those before at one time or another. Tina, I-

TINA

That’s what I like about you, Joe. You get me.

JOE

Yeah. I get you. There’s something I need-

TINA

Like that time I sharted and you knew exactly what I meant. You were a real gentleman, lending me your coat, like that. Oh, I still owe you for the dry cleaners.

JOE

Don’t worry about it. Glad I could help a damsel in distress. Tina-

TINA

Yes, Joe?

JOE

Don’t you think this evening is romantic?

TINA

Um, sure.

JOE

Talking about bodily functions kind of works against the mood, don’t you think?

TINA

Oh, I’m sorry. I just always say what’s on my mind and what’s going on.

JOE

Which I like. But you never seem to realize when things are romantic. Like the time at that nice restaurant when you burped and threw up a little-

TINA

I shouldn’t have ordered the fois gras. It always does that.

JOE

It was Charlie Trotter’s. We waited two months for our reservation.

TINA

I appreciate it.

JOE

But you don’t show it. Like the time I brought you chocolates.

TINA

I showed my appreciation. I ate them.

JOE

Yes, you did. All of them. While I watched.

TINA

I offered you one.

JOE

And then I waited an hour for you to come out of the bathroom.

TINA

Hey, I tried to keep the conversation going. You’re the one who didn’t want to talk through the door while I dropped bowling pins.

JOE

What I want, Tina, especially in a place like this, is a kiss. A slow kiss. I want to hold your hands as I look into your eyes.

TINA

You tried that earlier. That’s when I first thought I had a booger. I thought you were staring at it.

JOE

You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

TINA

Sure, I do.

JOE

No, you don’t. You never get me anything just because. I never catch you stealing glances at me.

TINA

Why would I steal glances, you’re right there?

JOE

You never try to kiss me or touch me. You don’t do any of the things I do. Like writing poetry.

TINA

You write poetry?

JOE

Yes, Tina. I wrote a poem about you and recited it to you last night at the bar. “I love how the light hits upon your hairs, my heart is picky and for you it only cares.” All you did was make gagging sounds.

TINA

Oh, that was a poem. I thought you were trying to rap. I wasn’t gagging, I was beat boxing.

JOE (getting up)

Maybe this isn’t going to work out.

TINA

No, Joe. No. We can work this out. I’ll try to be more romantic. Give me another chance.

JOE

The fact that you have to try to be romantic is enough to tell me that we’re probably not meant for each other. Good-bye, Tina.

(He starts to walk off. She stands on the bench.)

TINA

A love poem! By Tina Elise Costello. (Joe stops.) My heart belongs to a boy named Joe/ A guy named Cupid, his arrow he did throw/ Although my heart is full of love it can be a little dumb/ It wishes only for Joe’s love even if it’s just a crumb/ (Joe moves closer to her) His love is always with me and coats me warm with sugar (Joe stands on the bench with her and holds her hands as he looks at her)/ Even when he’s not near, I feel him like a phantom booger.

(They kiss. Tina coughs up something. Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 342 - "God Hates Fags"

“God Hates Fags”

Written by Joe Janes

12/26/09

342 of 365

Cast:

Oral, 50s

Richard, 30s

God, ???

(Lights up on Oral, a conservative religious right activist holding a picket sign that says “God Hates Fags.” Richard, a liberal Christian activist enters stage right carrying a sign. He stands next to Oral and holds it up. It says “God Loves Everyone.” He flips the sign and it says “Even Oral” with an arrow pointing toward Oral. Oral holds up his sign higher and flips it revealing “Especially Richard” with an arrow pointing toward Richard. Lights flash and we hear a loud crack of thunder as God appears between them carrying a sign. He is a short man with long white hair and beard and wearing a robe. He raises his sign we see that it says “I DO Hate Fags,” Richard is shocked and Oral is deliriously happy. God flips the sign and it says “But I Love Gay People.” God laughs. Richard and Oral look at him confused. God notices them not laughing. He shows them the “fag” side of the sign and then the “gay” side. Still no response from them.)

GOD

See, I hate fags. It’s an ugly word. And in my eyes, you’re all gay and I love all of you. (They are still not getting it. God gets pissed and breaks his sign.) I hate it when I have to explain my jokes! (He storms off.) You’re both going to hell!

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 341 - "The Thoughts That Count"

“The Thoughts That Count”

Written by Joe Janes

12/25/09

341 of 365

CAST

Momma Judy, 50s

Grandpa Leo, 70s

Sister Sue, 30s

Baby Neil, teens

(Lights up on Momma Judy, Grandpa Leo, Sister Sue and Baby Neil sitting in a semi-circle. Momma Judy hands Grandpa Leo a plastic gift card.)

MOMMA JUDY

Here you go, Grandpa Leo. I got you a gift card.

GRANDPA LEO (squinting)

Ten dollars for iTunes (pronounced “it-oo-nez”). Sounds like they might have good burritos.

MOMMA JUDY

Remember, it’s the thought that counts.

(Grandpa Leo takes out his wallet, puts in the gift card and takes out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to Sister Sue.)

GRANDPA LEO

Sister Sue, here’s a twenty dollar bill.

SISTER SUE

Twenty dollars!

GRANDPA LEO

Give me ten back and you can keep the rest.

MOMMA JUDY

You’re giving her money?

GRANDPA LEO

It’s nature’s gift card. She can use it anywhere.

MOMMA JUDY

Except on iTunes (pronounced correctly.).

SISTER SUE

It’s the thought that counts, Momma Judy. (She hands Grandpa Leo eight dollars.) I only have eight dollars, Grandpa Leo.

GRANDPA LEO

You can owe me.

BABY NEIL

Where’s my gift, Sister Sue?

SISTER SUE

Baby Neil, I texted you a Merry Christmas.

BABY NEIL

That was you? There was no caller id; just a phone number and it said M-R-Y-X-M-A-S.

SISTER SUE

I’m glad you got it.

BABY NEIL

And it cost me twenty cents a text.

MOMMA JUDY

Don’t you have a gift for me, Baby Neil? It’s a tradition. Every year we do a gift exchange.

BABY NEIL

Every year we give each other worthless crap.

GRANDPA LEO

Hey-

SISTER SUE

It’s how we show we care.

BABY NEIL

Oh, then I guess I did get you something, Momma Judy. (Baby Neil reaches into his pocket and pulls out his hand flipping everyone the bird. Pause.)

MOMMA JUDY

That’s better.

(Blackout.)

Week 49, Day 340 - "It's For The Best"

“It’s For The Best”

Written by Joe Janes

12/24/09

340 of 365

CAST

Vic, 70s

Terrence, 30s

Kimberly, 30s

(Lights up on Vic with his reading glasses on, sitting in a chair and reading the newspaper. Terrence and Kimberly enter.)

TERRENCE

Hey, Dad.

VIC (getting up)

Hey, Terrence, give your old man a hug.

(He does.)

VIC (continuing)

And Kimberly. You’re looking sharp, young lady.

KIMBERLY

Thanks, Dad.

VIC

Can I get you something? I think there’s some beer in the garage.

TERRENCE

No, that’s okay. We just stopped by to give you some news.

VIC

News? “Sit down” news or “for he’s a jolly good fella” news?

KIMBERLY

Given your age, you should sit down. It’s for the best.

TERRENCE

It’s for the best.

(Vic sits.)

VIC

Lay it on me.

KIMBERLY

Well…

TERRENCE

We’re pregnant.

VIC

You mean, she is.

TERRENCE

Yes, technically, but, you know, we’re married; I’ll be at the birthing.

KIMBERLY

It sounds nicer.

TERRENCE

More importantly, within the year, you’ll be able to hold a grand child in your arms before you die.

VIC

Before I die?

TERRENCE

Yeah. You kick the bucket, soon.

KIMBERLY

You are getting up there.

TERRENCE

We were going to wait longer to have kids, but thought we better pop one out so you could see it.

VIC

Why, so I can stand up and applaud your testicles?

KIMBERLY

So you can see for yourself the continuation of your own family before…

VIC

Before I bite it. Listen here, I don’t plan on going anywhere. According to Willard Scott and Smucker’s, I’ve got a good thirty years left and I’m going to use every one of them. I’ll hold several grand kids.

KIMBERLY

He’s so spirited. I hope our baby inherits your spirit. It’s adorable.

TERRENCE

But you never know, Dad. You have to face the facts. Mom’s not around any more.

VIC

Your mother got hit a car. That could happen to anyone.

KIMBERLY

She got hit by the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. She’s probably been the only one ever in the history of weinermobiles.

TERRENCE

You can’t count on living forever.

VIC

If that’s the way you feel, maybe you shouldn’t even bring the offspring around. Wouldn’t want it getting attached. I’ll be in the garage.

(He exits.)

KIMBERLY

I never thought of that.

TERRENCE

We’ll have to tell our child he or she doesn’t have a grandfather.

KIMBERLY

It’s for the best.

TERRENCE

It’s for the best.

(Blackout.)