Week 19, Day 133 - “Chekhov In The Trailer Park”

“Chekhov In The Trailer Park”
Written by Joe Janes
5/31/09
133 of 365

CAST:
Masha Sue, 30s
Sasha Bob, 50s
Boris, 40s
Lilla, 20s

(Lights up on Lilla and Masha Sue sitting on a beat up couch in the yard in front of their run down shack. Next to them is Uncle Sasha, in a lawn chair, with a large bowl of potato chips in his lap. They watch a small portable TV on a milk crate. They all look solemn.)

MASHA SUE

Some day, sister, we will win the lottery and move to Toledo. We will live in a doublewide, wear new clothes made of real acrylic, own an automobile that no one sleeps in, and dine in restaurants where they bring the salad to you… Lemon Pledge…

SASHA BOB

I love Lucy. She is unaware I live for her and less than ten feet away. My heart rips with desire and doom. My love is a thunderstorm I can never unleash to her – or to another. And you, Ricky, I throw daggers of hate at you. You are unworthy. If I was a singer and I had a nightclub, my wife would be the star of my show every night… you pig. Oh, Lucy. I pain. I tried to hold you and tore the aluminum foil from the rabbit ears. The static electricity of your kiss tickles my moustache and makes me sneeze. (He sneezes) Your flesh is cool, hard and dusty… Lemon Pledge. Oh… I am going to kill myself.

(Sasha Bob plunges his face into the bowl of potato chips as if to drown himself.)

MASHA SUE

We will be courted by handsome men of honor and wealth in Toledo. Sister, we could marry. Hold my hand, Lilla. Hold my hand.

(They do not hold hands or make a move to hold hands. Boris, in worn army fatigues, bursts through the shack door.)

BORIS

Uncle Sasha Bob is dead!

(Sasha raises his head.)

SASHA BOB

No. I’m not. I’m right here.

BORIS

Oh.

(Boris returns to the shack.)

LILLA

Their lips move and I do not hear what they speak. Not since… Not since the fire… Not since… They seem cloudy. Lemon Pledge.

(Lights fade)

Week 19, Day 132 - "Listening"

“Listening”
Written by Joe Janes
5/30/09
132 of 365

CAST
Marion, 40s
Edmund, 40s

(Lights up on Marion standing in her backyard. She stands ready with her eyes closed and her head cocked to the side. Edmund enters carrying a cup of coffee. He stands in the doorway, puzzled by her behavior.)

MARION

Shhhh!

EDMUND

Okay…?

(Edmund walks over to her and decides to try doing what she’s doing. He emulates her pose. After a moment he takes a small sip of his coffee.)

MARION

Edmund, stop making so much noise.

EDMUND

What the hell are you doing, Marion? I’m about to call the funny farm.

MARION

I’m listening.

EDMUND

Listening?

MARION

Yes. Listening. It started while I was just sitting here reading. I paused for a moment and noticed how quiet it is in our backyard. Then I heard a fly, Then our neighbor watering his garden, then a car down the street and then I started listening to an airplane. I seeing how long I could hear it as it trailed off. Then, it was gone, and you know what I heard?

EDMUND

Oh, God. That’s when I belched really loud. I forget sometimes that I’m not alone and the windows are open.

MARION

After your belch, I stood here motionless. And I could hear my own heart beat. How about that? I was listening to my own heart. Listening to the rhythm of my own body. It was like my body has its own internal music. Then you spoiled it all with your coffee racket.

EDMUND

Sorry, Marion. That’s sounds really beautiful. Would you mind if I tried it with you? Maybe we’ll be able to hear each other’s hearts.

MARION (She puts her hand on his cheek)

Sure. Let’s give it a shot.

(They both return to their prone listening positions. After a moment, they let small, quiet smiles emerge on their faces.)

MARION (soft)

Do you hear it, Edmund?

EDMUND (soft)

I do.

MARION

It’s like our hearts are syncopated.

EDMUND

I can hear other stuff, too. I can hear my blood rushing.

MARION

I can hear my lungs.

EDMUND

I can hear my tummy gurgling.

MARION

Mine, too. It’s like out bodies are one big beautiful orchestra.

(Edmund rips loose with a very loud abusive fart. Marion, disgusted, turns and leaves.)

EDMUND

What? I don’t get a solo?

(He makes a face as if he’s farting again. Blackout.)

Week 19, Day 131 - "Stretch Limousine"

“Stretch Limousine”
Written by Joe Janes
5/29/09
131 of 365

CAST:
Albert, 20s
eShave, 60s
Chick Girl, 20s
Dan, 30s
Meegan, 30s
Otto, 30s
Chex, 20s

(Lights up on Albert, a young man in a conservative suit sitting alone in the back of a stretch limousine. The car door opens and we hear screaming fans as eShave, in shades, leather jacket and tight pants enters, followed by Chick Girl, Dan, the official photographer, Meegan, the manager and Otto, the bodyguard. Chex, the limo driver, closes the passenger door and takes his place behind the wheel and takes off. eShave makes out with Chick Girl. Dan takes a lot of pictures, but only of eShave.)

MEEGAN

That was a great show eShave.

DAN

Yeah, baby, great show. You had the crowd eating out of your pants.

CHEX

Damn, The frickin’ paparazzi won’t get out of my way. (Honks horn)

OTTO

You need me to break a few heads?

MEEGAN

No, Otto. eShave’s already all over TMZ from last week’s Disneyland tussle. Wait till we need the press.

DAN

Um. Who’s the stiff?

OTTO

I thought you knew him.

MEEGAN

I have no idea. Chex, who’s the suit?

CHEX

Friend of eShave’s, I guess.

OTTO

You guess?

CHEX

eShave called me on my cell. Said to let him hang out in the limo right after the show.

ALBERT

You guys could just ask me who I am?

MEEGAN

Stuff it. I know who you are. You’re some corporate sponsor leech. Tell those assholes at Snapple that just because they front the money, doesn’t mean they get to abuse eShave’s good nature.

ALBERT

I’m not from Snapple. I’m from Iowa.

ESHAVE

Do you guys mind? I’m trying to get to know one of my fans better.

MEEGAN

You know this guy, eShave? He a lawyer or something?

ESHAVE

No, Meegan, he’s not a lawyer. Are you a lawyer?

ALBERT

No. I’m studying horticulture.

ESHAVE

There you go. He’s a horticulturer. And he’s my son.

(eShave goes back to making out with Chick Girl.)

MEEGAN

You have a son?

OTTO

He probably has lots of sons.

ESHAVE

Probably. This is one of them. If you don’t mind, I’d like to work on making a few more.

(He goes back to making out.)

ALBERT

I am Mr. eShave’s son. Albert.

(Dan takes Albert’s picture.)

MEEGAN

That does not get published, Dan. You hear me?

DAN

Yeah. Okay. This is big news, though. Hottest aging rocker in the country not from Britain has a son no one knew about.

OTTO

I can get rid of him, if you want.

ALBERT

Uh, Dad?

ESHAVE

You hear that? He called me Dad. That’s my boy!

(eShave puts an arm around Albert.)

ESHAVE

Hey, do you want to make out with…?

CHICK GIRL

Chick Girl.

ESHAVE

Really? I thought’s just what I was calling you.

CHICK GIRL

It is.

ESHAVE

You want some?

ALBERT

Naw, thanks. You go ahead.

ESHAVE

You sure? She’s pretty fine.

ALBERT

Can I make out with her?

MEEGAN

No.

ESHAVE

She’s a lesbian.

MEEGAN

I am not.

ESHAVE

You were when we met.

MEEGAN

You had me make out with your maid as part of my job interview.

OTTO

Hot.

MEEGAN

Albert. You’re “father” – if he really is your father –

ESHAVE

Oh, he is, all right. The paternity test proved it.

MEEGAN

Great.

DAN

We can get this on Smoking Gun and Maury Pauvich.

MEEGAN

Regardless. Albert. You’re old man is busy. Where can we drop you off?

ESHAVE

Hey, hey. Can’t a dad bring his son to work? This is my flesh and blood. Fruit of my looms. His mom found out I was playing Des Moines and had her lawyer get in touch with me. I’m glad we got to meet, Albert. We’ll make up for lost time. Do some bonding. Right now, we’re going back to the hotel for an orgy. Have you ever been to an orgy, son?

ALBERT

No.

ESHAVE

Excellent. Then this will really be great for us. I’ll show you the ins and outs. Three things you’ll need, hand sanitizer, a big towel, and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Sound like fun?

ALBERT

No condoms?

ESHAVE

If I ever used condoms at an orgy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

ALBERT

Think we can find some time to just talk, tonight, too?

ESHAVE

Oh, they’ll be plenty of time to chat. You’ve got to take breaks to recharge the batteries.

OTTO

Figuratively and literally.

DAN

We use rechargeable batteries on all the toys. Better for the environment.

ESHAVE

Chex, stop off at the Super Wal-Mart. We have to make sure Albert has all the accessories he needs. We can also get to know each other now as Meegan and Chick Girl are making out.

MEEGAN

What?

ESHAVE

Hmm, maybe I need to shop around for a new manager.

MEEGAN

Fine. But only because making out with women on demand is in my contract.

(Meegan and Chick Girl start making out. Dan takes pictures.)

OTTO

Hot.

(Meegan flips them off while continuing to kiss Chick Girl.)

ALBERT

It does seem sexist.

ESHAVE

You mean sexiest.

ALBERT

It seems a little unfair.

ESHAVE

Well, Albert, it is a part of my job. Comes with the territory. But let it be said your dad is a fair man. Otto, Dan, you guys make out, too.

DAN

Okay.

OTTO

Don’t be thinking about me when you kiss me.

DAN

When I feel your big ape arms around me and your beard against my cheek, I’ll be thinking of Meegan.

(Meegan flips them off. Otto and Dan start kissing. )

ESHAVE

So, what’s your mom’s name, again?

ALBERT

Adelle. Adelle Lerpner.

ESHAVE

Waitress, right? She still hot? We could swing by and get her.

ALBERT

Take my mom to an orgy?

ESHAVE

Hey, think of it as a family reunion. A naked family reunion.

(Lights fade as they bond.)

Week 19, Day 130 - "Carrying A Porch"

“Carrying A Porch”
Written by Joe Janes
5/28/09
130 of 365

CAST:
LuAnn, 30s
Dustin, 14

(Lights up on a small front porch. LuAnn enters with two glasses of lemonade and sits down, placing the lemonade on a small table next to her. There is another empty chair on the other side of the table. She takes a moment to calmly take in the nice weather.)

LUANN

Dustin! Dustin!

DUSTIN (off)

What?

LUANN

Get your buns out here!

DUSTIN (off)

I’m playing Ultimate Ninja 4!

LUANN

Save it and get your buns out here!

DUSTIN (off)

I’ll come out when I’m finished.

LUANN

Which for you will be never. Buns. Here. Now! (Long pause) If you aren’t out here in ten seconds, your new Nikes are going to end up at the thrift store. 1-2-3-4-

(Dustin enters)

DUSTIN

What, Mom?

LUANN

Have a seat, Dusty.

(Dustin sits)

LUANN

Mommy made you some lemonade. Have some.

(Dustin sips some.)

DUSTIN

Now, what?

LUANN

Hmm?

DUSTIN

I could be sitting and drinking lemonade inside while doing something productive.

LUANN

Like playing Ultimate Ninja 4?

DUSTIN

Making the world safe one villain at a time.

LUANN

Then you definitely deserve a break. Just sit and relax. Enjoy the day. Isn’t this weather perfect?

DUSTIN

I guess. (Pause) Are we supposed talk?

LUANN

We don’t have to talk.

DUSTIN

Just sit here?

LUANN

Watch the cars go by. Watch the breeze blow the trees. It just feels good to be out here on the porch.

DUSTIN

Are you and Dad getting a divorce?

LUANN

What? No.

DUSTIN

Are you going to talk to me about sex, because I really don’t want-?

LUANN

No, Dusty. No more sex talk.

DUSTIN

Did we lose the house?

LUANN

No. Look, Dusty, let’s not talk. I didn’t bring you out here for any other reason than to enjoy being out here. (She takes a deep, relaxing breath). The body needs fresh air and sunshine. You need to just relax sometimes.

DUSTIN

Playing video games relaxes me.

LUANN

I’ve seen you play video games. Ripping the spine out of your opponent isn’t relaxing.

DUSTIN

Some people knit, I eviscerate.

LUANN

Well, at least you’re increasing your vocabulary. You look so tense, honey.

DUSTIN

You’re weirding me out, Mom. We never just sit. Especially not outside. In public.

LUANN

Just take a deep breath and relax. Try it.

(Dustin tries it. It does not go well.)

LUANN

Feel better?

DUSTIN

I think I bruised a rib.

LUANN

Just try to sit still and enjoy the view.

DUSTIN (after a pause)

Are we moving? Is that it?

LUANN

Dustin. People used to do this sort of thing all the time. I did it when I was younger. You just sit out on the front porch on pretty days. It’s what you do. Maybe you read. Maybe you chat. Your great grandpa used to smoke his pipe and strum his guitar.

DUSTIN

Great grandpa played guitar?

LUANN

No. It was really quite awful. But the point is, you don’t have to be plugged into a video game or the TV or computer your whole life. You can take some time just to breathe.

(Dustin nods and sits back. They watch a car roll by. He starts to relax into his chair. LuAnn leans back into her chair. They hear a bird in a tree and look for it in a tree. Dustin smiles and closes his eyes. LuAnn notices this. She quietly picks up the lemonade glasses and rises from her seat. She gets to the door.)

LUANN (continuing)

By the way, your dog died.

( She quickly exits. Dustin’s eyes pop open.)

DUSTIN (to himself)

I knew it!

(Blackout)

Week 19, Day 129 - "Langley & Pratt"

“Langley & Pratt”
Written by Joe Janes
5/27/09
129 of 365

CAST
Langley, 30s
Pratt, 30s

(Lights up. We hear some upbeat vaudevillian music played by a small orchestra. Out comes Langley and Pratt marching in synch to start, wearing matching striped sports coats and boater hats. They both have flowers in their lapels. Langley moves with smooth confident movements. Pratt quickly becomes a spaz.)

LANGLEY

I’m Langley!

PRATT

I’m Pratt!

LANGLEY AND PRATT (while continuously shaking hands)

How do you do?...Nice to make your acquaintance…Likewise, I’m sure…Pleased to meet you…Nice fella…Snappy dresser…

LANGLEY

Say, you sure do have a familiar face.

PRATT

You should see it from in here. (Moves his eyes around wildly, trying to see his own face – rimshot!).

LANGLEY

I heard your mother-in-law was in town.

PRATT (suddenly quiet)

Yes.

LANGLEY

You seem upset by this unexpected visit from your mother-in-law.

PRATT

Yes. She made me go see a doctor.

LANGLEY

O-kay… I heard you saw the doctor today.

PRATT

Yes.

LANGLEY

About your stiff arm? (Pratt shakes his head) About your sore throat? (Pratt shakes his head) Was it because you, perchance, had some form of poultry on your head?

PRATT

No.

LANGLEY

Then, why, pray tell, did you go see the doctor?

PRATT

My mother-in-law made me go. She thinks there’s something wrong with me. Up here (points to his head).

LANGLEY

I could have saved her five bucks. You’re crazy! (rimshot!)

PRATT

Yeah. That’s what he said.

LANGLEY

The doctor said you’re crazy?

PRATT

He thinks I have some kind of defect. Some chromosome disorder or chemical imbalance. It causes my wild mood swings, erratic behavior and spastic motor skills.

LANGLEY

Basically, everything that makes you money! (rimshot!)

PRATT (takes out small bottle)

He gave me these pills. They’re supposed to make me feel better about myself.

LANGLEY

Give me that. (He reads the label.) Fast Acting Chilloxyn. Have you taken any, yet?

PRATT

I’m afraid to. Read the label.

LANGLEY

May cause dry mouth, intestinal discomfort, occasional depression that may lead to thoughts of suicide and a decreased sex drive. What’s the point of feeling better about yourself if you’d rather kill yourself than get laid? (rimshot!)

PRATT

See what I mean?

LANGLEY

Oh, poppycock. They have to put that stuff there for legal reasons. It’s medicine. If your doctor says its good for you, it’s good for you. Tell you what, ol’ pal, ol’ buddy, I’ll take one with you. That’ll show you how harmless they are. (He pops one in his mouth). Here. (He hands the bottle to Pratt, who takes one, too.)

PRATT

Can you feel it working?

LANGLEY (nods)

I suddenly feel very rational. And gassy. (rimshot! Pratt looks confused by the rimshot)

PRATT

Hey. Me, too.

LANGLEY

Sorry, folks, we got a little sidetracked. If you don’t mind, we’re going to start over. Okay? Maestro, from the top!

(They quickly run off. The music kicks in, again. This time they walk straight out and quietly and confidently address the audience.)

LANGLEY

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Say “hello” to the people, Pratt.

PRATT

Hello.

LANGLEY

I understand your Uncle Hubert is staying with you while he looks for a job.

PRATT

Yes. He’s been with us for two months, now. He sleeps on the couch. There’s just no work out there for a man his age.

LANGLEY

That’s a shame.

PRATT

Yes. It’s very sad. He’s a veteran. (pause. rimshot! They both look around, confused by the rimshot.)

PRATT (continuing)

But I feel good about myself.

LANGLEY

Me, too.

(They both get odd expressions on their faces. They are clearly suffering from dry mouth. They turn and face one another and squirt water at each from their lapel flowers while nonchalantly trying to lap up the water. They do this until they run out.)

LANGLEY (continuing)

Okay, then. Say good night, Pratt.

PRATT

Good night.

(Their rousing exit music kicks in. They slowly stroll off arm-in-arm, noticing little things like the fabric of the curtains and taking a moment to check it out. Lights fade.)

Week 19, Day 128 - "Book Club"

TWO PLUGS: This weekend is your last chance to see "Throwing Heat" - info is to your left. Also, check out Mac n Cheese Dinner Parties. I went to a party a few weeks ago and had a great time. It was an awesome opportunity to meet people outside my usual circles.


“Book Club”
Written by Joe Janes
5/26/09
128 of 365

CAST
Dina, 30s
Carly, 30s
Kim, 30s
Dave, 30s
Marty, 30s
Boon, 30s

(Lights up on Dina and Carly seated on a couch. In the background, Dave and Marty are chatting. Carly is noticeably pregnant. Dina is nervous.)

CARLY

Did you read the book?

DINA

I did. I’m not sure what to make of it.

CARLY

Oprah liked it.

DINA

Good enough for me. Nathan took me out to dinner last night to Charlie Trotters.

CARLY

Pretty fancy for a Thursday. What was the occasion?

(Dina holds up her hand and shows Carly her new engagement ring. Carly squeals.)

DINA

Shhh – Shhh – I want to break the news to the whole group when everyone gets here. But I just had to tell you first.

CARLY

I am so happy for you. Nathan is such a great guy. I wish I had been that lucky.

DINA

Wha-?

MARTY

Hey, let’s get this literary shindig rocking, Boon.

(Marty and Dave head over to the sofa and chairs. Boon and Kim enter. Kim carries a bottle of wine.)

KIM (a little tipsy)

Does anybody need more wine?

CARLY

I could use some.

(Kim pours Carly a little as she gets a look from Dina.)

CARLY (continuing)

What? It’s red wine. It’s good for the baby.

(Marty rolls his eyes.)

BOON

Hey, everybody, before we get started, Kim and I have something we want to say.

KIM

You guys are our best friends in the whole world and we always want it to be that way. We love the Friday book club. We love you guys.

BOON

What Kim is trying to say is that we’re going to get a divorce.

(General reactions of “what!?!”)

KIM

It’s okay. It’s okay. We still like each other.

BOON

We just realized that we were more just friends or roommates instead of what we thought a married couple should be.

DAVE

Will we still do Book Club?

KIM

Oh, hell yes. We don’t want anything to change. It will all still be the same, except that Boon and I won’t be hitched. And we can even still have it here. I’m keeping the house.

BOON

She’s keeping the house.

KIM

But it doesn’t change a goddam thing. Book Club forever! Let’s get started. Who read “Cassandra’s New Lover”?

(Everyone looks at each other uncomfortably.)

MARTY

I like how you guys are handling this. You seem pretty okay with it.

KIM

We are.

BOON

Oh, yes. Definitely. We still want to be close friends. Just not married.

MARTY

Well, as a guy who’s been through two divorces already, let me know if you need any guidance.

CARLY

Yeah. Marty’s got a rewards card from the courthouse. Soon he’ll get discounts on alimony.

MARTY

Dave and Dina, you two are so lucky to be single.

DAVE

I wouldn’t mind being married.

DINA

Actually, I-

CARLY

Honey, we should tell them.

MARTY

Really? Now?

CARLY

Yes. Now.

MARTY

Carly and I are splitting up.

(Slightly more intense reactions of “what!?!”)

CARLY

I thought the baby would change things, but Marty’s still a self-absorbed ass that doesn’t know how to communicate.

MARTY

Guilty as charged. And Carly still has the mood swings of an oscillating lawn sprinkler. And, boy, if the pregnancy doesn’t just point up that fact. It’s really been a pleasure.

DAVE

You’re separating. Not divorcing? So, you might get back together.

DINA

Well, that’s good. You’re giving yourself some distance to work things out.

MARTY

That’s the idea, but you know, whatever (He trails off mumbling.)

CARLY

Marty bought a condo across the street so he can be close by to help raise little Ignatius.

DINA

Ignatius?

MARTY

Yep. That’s another reason.

CARLY

But we’re going to be civil and we don’t want this in anyway to disrupt the Friday night Book Club. So, “Cassandra’s New Lover.” I liked it. I wasn’t crazy about the estranged brother character-

DINA

Oh, me, neither. What was the point?

KIM

Holy fucking shit look at that rock!

BOON

Wow!

DAVE

You’re engaged, Dina?

DINA

Yep, Nathan got down on his knees last night.

CARLY

That ring is humongous.

DINA

It’s from Jared’s.

MARTY

So, Nathan got down on his knees twice.

KIM

Well, this is a celebration!

BOON

You and Nathan are going to be so happy together.

DINA

You think?

(General “Oh, yeas” and “sures” except from Dave. Silence.)

DINA (continuing)

Thanks.

DAVE

What is wrong with you people? Everyone I know is getting a divorce. Here, at work, in my family. They’re either getting a divorce or they’re pregnant, and that’s not going so well, either. I’ve been single my entire adult life and not for lack of trying. I’ve been engaged once, engaged-to-be-engaged twice. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I can’t even get in to this marriage club that you guys are
shitting all over. I like the idea of being committed to one person my whole life and sticking with them when things get rough, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

DINA

I want that, Dave. I want that for Nathan and me.

DAVE

Then I highly recommend you stop hanging out with these pillars of wedded bliss.

BOON

Dave. You’re a single guy. Why do you even hang out with married people at a book club on a Friday night?

MARTY

Moot point. If he stands there long enough, we’ll all be single, again.

DAVE

I had a crush on Dina. Sorry, I should have told you, but you were always seeing someone or I was. We never seemed to both be available at the same time.

DINA

I love Nathan.

MARTY (to Dave)

Give it a year.

(Blackout.)

Week 19, Day 127 - "Wide With Pride"

“Wide With Pride”
Written by Joe Janes
5/25/09
127 of 365

CAST:
Doug, 40s
TV Spokesmodel 1
TV Spokesmodel 2
Maria, 30s
Randy, 30s

(Lights up on a somber looking, large man named Doug.)

DOUG

Is your weight getting you down? Do you long to be fit and thin? Do you find yourself avoiding weight scales and mirrors? Then maybe you just don’t have the right (smacks his belly) FATTITUDE!!!

(Lights spring to life and Doug is quickly flanked by two beautiful TV Spokesmodels.)

DOUG (continuing)

My body didn’t get like this overnight. It took discipline. Years of steady and near constant eating of fried foods and sugary desserts and keeping my body as motionless as possible. I earned this fat. I’m not going to lose it all to some fad diet or exercise program. Why take the money I’m spending on food and put it into the pockets of “doctors” and “trainers”? You can be fat and be proud and I can show you how.

(Doug walks overt to a woman looking at herself in a mirror with a new pair of jeans on.)

DOUG (continuing)

Hi, Maria. What are you doing?

MARIA

Hi, Doug. Can you help me? Can you tell me if these jeans make me look fat?

DOUG

I think you’re asking the wrong question, Maria. The question isn’t “Do these jeans make me look fat?” The question is “Do these jeans make me look fat enough?”

MARIA

Oh, Doug! You are so right. I do have a lot of junk in the trunk.

DOUG

You have so much junk in your trunk, you shouldn’t even try to close the lid with those jeans. Get some bungee cords and let that lid flop open and closed when you walk.

MARIA

That would feel good, but won’t guys find that unattractive?

DOUG

That’s a very big butt, my favorite kind. (They laugh) But seriously, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure and it just won’t matter as long as you have the right-

DOUG AND MARIA

FATTITUDE!

MARIA

Thanks, Doug.

(She exits smiling and wiggling her butt.)

DOUG

If you’re big like me, walk with pride. Make the ground shake when you walk, because, well, you already are. Life’s too short and painful to draw it out with healthy eating and exercise.

(Randy, a sad, thin man eating an apple, walks up to Doug.)

RANDY

Hey, Doug.

DOUG

Hey, Randy, what’s wrong?

RANDY

All my friends are fat and they seem to be having a really good time.

DOUG

That’s because we eat our way to happiness!

RANDY

How can I be fat like my friends?

DOUG

The first thing you need to do is throw that thing away.

(Doug takes the apple and throws it offstage)

RANDY

Hey, my apple!

DOUG

Rule number 3 of my Fattitude program – No fruit unless it’s dipped in chocolate or caramel. If you want to put on the pounds like me, Randy, you’ll need my patented Fatulence System.

(The TV Spokesmodels quickly outfit Randy in a series of tubes that run from a big hat to his mouth and into his pants and out his pants legs into a glass jar.)

RANDY

What the heck is this, Doug?

DOUG

The Fatulence System takes a ten-gallon hat full of liquid all-American cheese and feeds it into every orifice of your body. The only way it comes back out is through your sweat pores, which gets collected in that glass jar. Then you just pour it back into the hat. It’s recyclable.

RANDY

So, it’s green,

DOUG

It will be after a few cycles.

RANDY

Thanks, Doug. I feel fatter already.

(Randy exits smiling and sucking down liquid cheese. The TV Spokesmodels flank Doug, again.)

DOUG

You know, some people worry that if they get fat, they won’t get laid. Au contraire. I understand that I get laid all the time. Of course, I can’t see or feel anything below my belly horizon, so I just have to take their word for it.

(The TV Spokesmodels nod.)

DOUG (continuing)

Is my Fattitude program for you? Well, it’s said that inside every fat person there’s a thin person trying to get out. With my help, you can keep choking that person down until your stomach acids finally break that skinny bastard down. Now, everyone stand and take the Fattitiude Pledge…

People give us attitude for being overweight,
We tell those skinny people they can just suck it,
It takes Doug-like Fattitude to be this honking big,
Rule One – only order food served in a bucket.

And don’t forget the Fattitude motto: Be wide (smacks his belly) with pride!

(The TV Spokesmodels rub his belly as he waves good-bye. Blackout)

Week 18, Day 126 - “The Hitchhiker"

“The Hitchhiker”
Written by Joe Janes
5/24/09
126 of 365

CAST:
The Hitchhiker
Steven
Narrator

(In the dark, we hear rain and thunder.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Late at night…Alone on the road…

(Stage left, lights come up on Steve driving at night in the rain.)

STEVE

I can’t believe the bad luck I’m having. It’s the middle of the night, it’s pitch black out, and I’m on a long stretch of deserted highway. Things could not possibly be worse.

(Lights quickly fade on Stave.)

NARRATOR (VO)

…There’s only one rule of the road… Don’t pick up The Hitchhiker.

(Stage right, there’s an extended flash of lightning with thunder revealing The Hitch Hiker standing with his back to the audience with his thumb out. Lights out on The Hitch Hiker, back up on Steve.)

STEVE

I’ve been driving for hours all by myself. Oh, what good fortune. A hitchhiker.

(Steve pulls over. The Hitch Hiker gets in. He is a quiet, imposing man. )

STEVE

You are a lifesaver, mister. Let me tell you. Going crazy in this car. I know you shouldn’t pick up hitchhikers. You hear all those crazy stories about psychos chopping up families and stuff. You know? You know?

(The Hitchhiker stares intensely at Steve. Steve gulps in fear. The Hitchhiker reaches into his coat pocket… Steve screams… and pulls out a fruit roll-up.)

THE HITCHHIKER

Fruit Roll-Up? They’re made with real fruit!

STEVE

I love Fruit Roll-Ups!

NARRATOR (VO)

The Hitchhiker.

STEVE AND THE HITCHHIKER

99 roll-ups of fruit on the wall, 99 roll-ups of fruit, take one down, pass it around, 98 roll-ups of fruit on the wall.

(Lights fade)

NARRATOR (VO)

Barely making it to DVD this summer.

Week 18, Day 125 - “Time Beavers"

“Time Beavers”
Written by Joe Janes
5/23/09
125 of 365

CAST
Miss Sara, 20s
Dale, 10
Missy, 10
Hank, 10
Tiffany, 10
Chip, 10
TB,?

(Lights up on Miss Sara’s third grade class. She sits in front of them with a cardboard clock with moveable hands.)

MISS SARA

…And that’s how we tell time! So, Dale, if the big hand is on the two and the little hand is on the five, what times is it?

DALE

Um, two after five?

MISS SARA

No. Good try, though. Missy? What do you think?

MISSY

Ten minutes after five o’clock?

MISS SARA

Very good.

HANK

That makes no sense whatsoever. If it’s ten after, shouldn’t the big hand be on the ten?

MISS SARA

Remember, Hank, the big hand is to count the minutes. The little hand counts the hours. Let’s put the big hand on the ten. What time is it Chip?

CHIP

Ten minutes till five.

HANK

See, that makes sense.

MISS SARA

Well, how many minutes after the hour is it? Tiffany?

TIFFANY

5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40-45-50…50.

MISS SARA

Very good. Everybody understand about telling time? Any questions? Hank?

HANK

This time thing, who invented it?

MISS SARA

Invented it? I don’t think anyone invented time.

TIFFANY

But, somebody invented clocks.

DALE

I think cavemen invented time so they wouldn’t miss their TV shows.

MISSY

You don’t need a clock to watch TV. Not when there’s TiVo.

DALE

Cavemen didn’t have TiVo, dummy.

MISS SARA

Hey, let’s not use bad names, Dale. I suppose someone really smart invented clocks a long time ago so people could be on time to meet up with one another.

HANK

Time is always moving. That’s why clocks run all the time. Right?

MISS SARA

You could say time is always moving. Some people say it flows, like a river.

DALE

Wouldn’t we get all wet?

MISS SARA

Time isn’t wet like a river, it just moves like one. There’s time in the past, like yesterday, and then there’s the present, today, now, and then there’s tomorrow.

HANK

What happens if time beavers build a dam and time backs up and floods everywhere? Then what happens?

MISS SARA

Well, I’m not -

TIFFANY

Then everything would happen all at once!

MISSY

I’m scared. Can we kill the time beavers?

CHIP

No, don’t kill the time beavers!

MISS SARA

No one’s killing the time beavers, Chip.

MISSY (crawling under desk)

Then how can we stop them?

MISS SARA

Time beavers don’t exist, Missy.

DALE

They’re extinct! God killed them!

HANK (Spinning the hands of Miss Sara’s clock)

I can feel it. There’s too much time. I’m up to my neck in time.

TIFFANY (starts running around)

Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!

MISS SARA

Tiffany, sit down!

CHIP

Call FEMA! Call the National Guard! Call Obama!

MISS SARA (takes clock away from Hank)

Give me that, Hank.

HANK

It’s a time tsunami!

MISS SARA (tears the hands off the clock)

Look! Look! Time has stopped. Look at the clock. The hands are still. Everything’s fine. Shhhhhhh! The time beavers are sleeping.

MISSY

Time is scary.

MISS SARA

Listen, children…. Time is just time. Clocks are a way to measure the seconds, minutes and hours of the day. It’s like a ruler. It’s a tool we use. It’s nothing to be afraid of. A clock is just a clock, a piece of furniture; like that chair is just a chair. We use it, it doesn’t use us. Understand?

CHIP

So, time’s not a bully that yells at tells us and tells us what to do?

MISS SARA

That’s right. We, human beings, made it up.

(The school bell rings. The kids all get up from their desks and head out the door.)

MISS SARA

That’s the bell. Now, get out of here. Bye-bye. See you tomorrow. What time tomorrow, Hank?

HANK

8:30am.

MISS SARA

That’s right. Get home safely.

(Everyone leaves. Miss Sara looks relived. From the opposite side of the stage, a time beaver enters. The time beaver wears white coveralls, a hard hat, and a big clock necklace. The time beaver takes the clock and the hands from Miss Sara, looks disappointingly at her, and exits. Lights fade.)