Week Four, Day Twenty-Eight - "The Spy Who Dated Me"

“THE SPY WHO DATED ME”
Written by Joe Janes
2/15/09
27 of 365

CAST
Michael, mid-40’s
Tracy, mid 40’s
Ludwig, mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)


TRACY
Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like his photograph.

MICHAEL
Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week that said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY
I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL
Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY
Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL
I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY
I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL
What do you do for a living?

TRACY
Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL
I’m a secret agent.

TRACY
You sell real estate?

MICHAEL
No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY
If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL
Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY
I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL
Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY
You get to kill people?

MICHAEL
Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY
What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL
Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY
Oh, my God…

MICHAEL
I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that?

MICHAEL
They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACEY
An eye exam?

MICHAEL
Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.


TRACY
Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL
Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY
Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL
Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evildoers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY
How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL
Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY
Much less than that.

MICHAEL
I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that burro.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy non-descript foreign accent.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL
We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG
Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY
That’s sweet.

MICHAEL
Thank you very much…?

LUDWIG
Steve.

MICHAEL
Steve. Do you have any soymilk, Steve? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG
I’ll be right back.

(He exits.)

TRACY
So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL
I don’t do death. Or dairy, really. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY
I think that’s chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soymilk.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your soymilk, sir.


MICHAEL
We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY
It’s okay, everybody! He has a license for this sort of thing!

MICHAEL
I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY
Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL
Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY
Not when. Where?

MICHAEL
Okay. Where can I see you, again?

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him.)

TRACY (with a heavy non-descript European accent)
In hell, Michael. In hell. Sorry I lied.

(Michael drops dead. Tracy laughs maniacally. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Seven -"NPR, Part 3"

“NPR, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
2/14/09
27 of 365

CAST:
Carl Kasell

CARL KASELL

Hello, I’m Carl Kasell. News anchor for NPR’s Morning Edition and co-host of Wait, Wait …Don’t Tell Me with Peter Sagal. I have a very urgent message for you about how important listening to NPR is to your life. This is your brain - (whispers) – I’m holding an egg – And this is your brain when you don’t listen to NPR - (whispers) – I’m holding a skillet. Nothing’s happening because without NPR, you don’t even know how to cook an egg. NPR ignites your thirst for knowledge and nourishes your hunger for information. Without it, your IQ drops like a senator’s pants at intern orientation. Without NPR, your intelligence is on the scale somewhere between a single cell organism and a morning zoo dj sidekick. Without NPR, all there is to listen to on the radio is another dance mix carbon copy of a Britney Spears or the blatherings of a pharmaceutically fueled Rush Limbaughphite. Your intellectual curiosity would be forcibly induced into a coma. Fight to keep your brain sharp. Give to this NPR station. Now, the cast of “Wait, Wait” and I are going to eat this egg, because that’s all craft services will provide without your contribution. (We hear the sound of the egg cracking and sizzling in the pan and then scuffling). Get back! Get back, I say! (We hear the bonking sound of a skillet upon skull and someone falling). Oh, no. Peter! Peter! …. Crap. Someone call Richard Roeper.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Six -"NPR, Part 2"

(This is Friday's post. It went up after midnight.)

“NPR, part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
2/13/09
26 of 365

CAST
Scott Simon
Cokie Roberts

(This is an audio piece. We hear slow, sad music playing in the background.)

SCOTT SIMON

I’m Scott Simon of NPR’s Weekend Edition - Saturday. I only work one day a week, which gives me plenty of time to roam these halls. I’m one of the lucky ones. Other NPR reporters spend their time between reports huddling together against the wall for warmth, sifting through office garbage cans for bits of stale donuts or half-eaten mints. They sleep under other people’s desks for shelter during harsh winter nights. For just a few cents a day, you can help us provide nourishing food for them to eat and safe places at night to sleep. A dollar a day will ensure that I’ll be able to wear pants in public. Your donation will sponsor an NPR reporter. In return, we’ll send you a snapshot and a note from a reporter you’ve helped. They’ll also include a personalized note, like this one…

COKIE ROBERTS

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Malatia, My name is Cokie Roberts. Because of your contribution, I’ve been able to bath semi-regularly and keep most of the flies at bay. God bless you and your bank account, Cokie. P.S. Maybe some day you could come visit me and take me out to a nice restaurant or out to buy clothes or both. Or maybe I could just come and live with you.

SCOTT SIMON

Heartbreaking, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be. Give us enough money and we’ll stop parading our hardships in front of you and let you listen to Car Talk in peace. Please give generously to this NPR station. Give with an open heart and an open wallet. I’m Scott Simon.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Five -"NPR, Part I"

“NPR, Part I”
Written by Joe Janes
2/12/09
25 of 365

CAST:
Announcer
Akmed Glasheed
Ira Glass

(This is an audio piece designed to be heard between live action scenes.)

ANNOUNCER

In these tough economic times, organizations that rely heavily on charitable contributions are struggling to make ends meet. This has forced them to become more aggressive in their solicitation of funds. Organizations like National Public Radio…

AKMED (over instrumental middle eastern music)

……Coming up, we’ll be talking to Abdul Hafiz Mansoor, a thirteen-year-old Afghan boy who wants to kill all infidel Americans so he can go to heaven…and we’ll give him a few suggestions from experts on the best ways he can do that…I’m Akmed Glasheed. You’re listening to This Taliban Life.

(Middle Eastern music fades, light jazz comes in)

IRA GLASS

Does the thought of a show like that scare you? It should…It could happen… Hello…I’m radio’s Ira Glass. You know me from my show, This American Life. Since 9/11, this American life, the one we all live, has been under attack by devious forces. These are the kinds of soulless evildoers who wouldn’t think twice about hijacking a commercial jet airliner and flying it into our weekly program. What can you do to protect our airwaves? To preserve the freedom you have to tune in to me? Give generously to this NPR station. Donate now, before it’s too late. Put $911 on your credit card in the next hour, and I will come to your door and kiss you on the mouth. It’s that important… I’m Ira Glass.

IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE

I'm playing in the show Friday night at iO at 8pm in The Del Close Theater. Come check us out.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Four -"Gravy Boat"

“Gravy Boat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/11/09
24 of 365

Cast:
Gert, 60s
Richard, 60s
Jeff, 30s
Clive, 40s

(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)

GERT

We should have done this years ago.

RICHARD

You just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.

GERT

You really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?

RICHARD

Never know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.

GERT

We’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.

RICHARD

Aye, aye, my sweet.

(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)

JEFF

Still setting up, Gert?

GERT

We might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.

JEFF

Saw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.

GERT (confidentially)

I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.

JEFF

Jeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?

GERT

Go right ahead.

JEFF

I always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.

GERT

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

JEFF

More ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.

GERT

Really?

JEFF

Sure. Happens all the time.

(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)

RICHARD

Our first customer! We made a sale, yet?

JEFF

Sorry, Richard, not yet.

RICHARD

Help me with this, Gert.

GERT (watching Jeff)

Sure thing.

(Jeff picks up a dish.)

JEFF

Don’t see these too much.

RICHARD

What’s that?

JEFF

What do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?

GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)

I don’t think there ever was one.

JEFF

How much you want for it?

GERT

Gee, I don’t know-

RICHARD

Let me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.

JEFF (laughing)

Sold!

GERT (grabbing boat)

Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?

RICHARD

Gert!

GERT

Ask yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?

RICHARD

Use it to contain his excess gravy?

JEFF

Actually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.

GERT

Nice try.

RICHARD

Can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.

GERT

Tell him, Jeff.

JEFF

Tell him, what?

GERT

About Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.

JEFF

I found a gravy boat in your trash.

GERT

He’s trying to make a fortune off us.

RICHARD

How is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?

GERT

He buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.

JEFF

That’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?

GERT

I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.

RICHARD (sighs)

Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.

GERT

I won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

You have flipped your lid, Gert.

JEFF

Five hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.

RICHARD

Hey, now.

JEFF

If this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.

GERT

Sold!

(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)

RICHARD

You’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?

(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)

CLIVE

Well, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.

JEFF

Really?

CLIVE

Nearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.

JEFF

I’ll take three.

(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)

CLIVE

Deal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)

CLIVE (continuing)

You’re home, baby. You’re home!

(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)

ZED WINS THIS WEEK

So, the Moustache-A-Thon continues. Last night, 826 hosted a preliminary meet-up and good ol' Zed won second place in the organic category. Congrats, Zed! And, yes, the prize was a bag of homemade caramel popcorn. Yum! Next week, is the final night of the competition. You can get your sponsorship dollars in by clicking HERE!

Week Four, Day Twenty-Three -"Looking Great"

“Looking Great”
Written by Joe Janes
2/10/09
23 out of 365

CAST:
Rob
Jennifer

(Lights up on Rob stepping out of a door into an alley. He wears a business suit. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up. A moment later, Jennifer, in a woman’s business outfit, steps in to the alley. )

ROB

Hey, Jennifer. Haven’t seen you in, like, ages.

JENNIFER

Hey, Rob.

(Jennifer lights a cigarette. It seems like her first in a long time. She is really savoring it.)

JENNIFER (continuing)

It’s been a long time.

ROB

Did you lose weight? You look great.

JENNIFER

I did. I dropped about 35 pounds.

ROB

Wow. Well, you look great. How’d you do it?

JENNIFER

I got cancer.

ROB

Oh.

(Long awkward pause.)

ROB (continuing)

Well, you look great.

(They continue smoking. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Two -"Macbeth"

“Macbeth”
Written by Joe Janes
2/9/09
22 of 365

CAST:
Jasper, 40s
Nick, 30s
Stage Manager (VO)

(Lights up on Jasper sitting downstage out to the audience putting on stage make-up in a dressing room. He is being very quiet and mindful. He is running through lines in his head and at one point, grabs the script, flips through it, checks it, rolls his eyes and goes back to putting on make-up. Nick enters, whistling Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “The Music of the Night” and carrying an open wet umbrella and a pair of shoes. He places the shoes on the make-up table. Jasper is clearly perturbed by this.)

NICK (shaking out his umbrella – opening and closing it)

Raining cats and dogs, Jasper. Big cats, bigger dogs. All foaming at the mouth.

JASPER

Nick. Nick! I know you are new to all this, but what you are doing right now is very, very bad.

NICK

Doing what?

JASPER

Opening an umbrella inside, repeatedly, placing your shoes on a table, whistling…it’s all considered bad luck

NICK

That’s pretty silly, Jasper. How could any of that have any affect on our show?

JASPER

I don’t know. But it is best not to tempt the fates (he indicates for Nick to remove the shoes. Nick puts them on the floor and puts his umbrella outside the door. As the scene continues, they pantomime putting on elaborate wigs and costumes.)

NICK

Boy, there sure are a lot of rules for just putting on a costume and playing make believe.

JASPER

Is that all this is to you? A big game of cowboys and injuns?

NICK

Sort of, but with lines and blocking. And a buttload of superstitions.

JASPER

Don’t you have any superstitions?

NICK (pulling a play out of his bag and looking at it)

Not really. No. I don’t even care of you spill salt around me or walk under a ladder. I’ve got a pair of lucky socks, but you know, they aren’t always lucky. Deep down, I think they’re just socks.

JASPER

Well, just realize that we theater folk are pretty superstitious. Even if you’re not, you should be respectful.

NICK

No problem there. I’m having a lot of fun, Even though I’m essentially just a spear-carrier who also moves scenery, I’m having a good time.

JASPER

Well, I suppose at the end of the day, that’s the important thing. Having fun. What are you reading?

NICK

I have an audition coming up so I thought I better take a look at the play. Macbeth. That’s how you say it, right? Macbeth?

JASPER (freaked and yelling)

Jumping Jehosaphat, Nick! Never, never utter the title of that play inside a theater, ever!!! Do you hear me? Ever! That play is cursed. Evoking the name of (whispering) the Scottish play – is verboten. Bad, bad things happen.

NICK

Just because I said Macbeth.

JASPER

And now you said it three times! Those other superstitions, I grant you, silly. Ridiculous, even. This one, don’t fuck with it. I was in a play once and the director, jokingly, said that word three times during a laughingly bad dress rehearsal. (mocking) “Could be worse, we could be doing MmMmmm” Opening night, the lead actress stepped on broken glass while barefoot backstage and couldn’t go on. The next night, it monsooned and the costume shop in the basement flooded ruining all the costumes. The third night, the power went out on the entire block. We had to cancel and refund the tickets to a sold out show. We were closed by Sunday.

NICK

Wow. I didn’t know. Who knew a play written 500 years ago would have so much power. I take it back. Can I do that? Take it back?

JASPER

I don’t think it works that way.

STAGE MANAGER (VO on intercom)

Attention, cast and crew. We are five minutes to curtain for Andrew Lloyd Weber On Ice. Act One, scene one performers please report to places.

JASPER

Well, that’s me. No more saying that word, Nick. Promise me.

NICK

You got it, Jasper.

(Jasper exits)

NICK

Good luck!

(Offstage Jasper trips over Nick’s umbrella. He falls and yelps in pain. He limps back in.)

JASPER

The proper expression is “break a leg.”

(Lights out.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON CONTINUES

Shout out to Garin for sponsoring Good Ol' Zed in the 826 Moustache-A-Thon. You can throw your support to this fine educational organization, and to my moustache Zed, by clicking HERE.

MADE IN THE USA

The second sketch I posted for the 365 project dealt with the trade deficit and how nearly everything in America is frustratingly manufactured in China. This came up while trying to buy a pair of shoes at my usual places. Happy to announce that I went to a New Balance store and found these wonderful walking around in shoes. I was looking at them in the store and a woman in a postal uniform pointed at them and praised them. If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is. They are a great pair of shoes. It's like I'm walking on a very firm cloud.