Week Seven, Day Forty-Seven - “Exit, Pursued By A Bear”

“Exit, Pursued By A Bear”
Written by Joe Janes
3/6/09
47 of 365

CAST:
Brennan, 20s
Joey, 20s
Bear

(Lights up on Joey walking in to his small apartment. He looks beat. He takes off his backpack and walks over to the kitchen. He looks on the counter. He looks in the fridge. He looks pissed.)

JOEY

Brennan! Brennan! (He walks over to Brennan’s door and knocks on it.) Brennan!

(Brennan opens the door. Brennan is eating a banana.)

JOEY (continuing)

We need to talk.

BRENNAN

Now, dude?

JOEY

Yeah. Now.

(Brennan walks out and sits on the sofa.)

BRENNAN

Well? What’s eating you?

JOEY

I work all day at the Apple Store. I come home. I’m tired. All I want to do is peel off my backpack and eat a banana.

BRENNAN

Oh.

JOEY

“Oh’s” right. No banana.

(A bear sticks his head out of Brennan’s door.)

BRENNAN

My bad, Joey. I didn’t know that was your banana.

JOEY

We’re the only two people who live here. Whose banana would it be?

(The bear walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door.)

BRENNAN

Hey, you know. You buy food. I buy food. It gets confusing. You should write your name on it.

JOEY

I did.

(The bear pulls a beer can out of the fridge. Brennan looks at the banana peel and sees Joey’s name written on it. The bear pops open the beer can.)

BRENNAN

Sorry, man. My bad. I owe you one banana.

JOEY

You owe me more than that. You never buy food. You always eat mine.

(The bear takes a seat in a living room chair and continues to watch them argue.)

BRENNAN

Hey, we’re buddies. This is what buddies do. Share food.

JOEY

We’re not buddies. We’re barely roommates. We’re strangers.

BRENNAN

Your words cut me like a knife.

JOEY

I’m serious, Brennan. All you do is hole up in your cave of a room. The only time I see you is when you come out to forage for food or take a shit. And you don’t talk, you just grunt.

BRENNAN

You want to talk?

JOEY

Yeah. Yeah, I do. That’s what buddies would do.

BRENNAN

Then let’s talk. Buddy.

(Joey sits. There is a long, awkward pause as the bear sips his beer.)

BRENNAN (continuing)

You want to watch TV?

JOEY

That’s not talking.

(Brennan grunts.)

JOEY (continuing)

What did you do today?

BRENNAN

Nothing.

JOEY

How was work?

BRENNAN

Okay.

JOEY

Just “okay”?

BRENNAN

I work at The Gap. It sucked. I don’t want to talk about it.

JOEY

Fine, Let’s see how it makes you feel. I’m going to get some food – (Joey goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and opens the fridge.) Is there anything you did not eat? I’m going to take this beer and this half bag of frozen okra and go to my room and not talk to you the rest of the night, Buddy!

(Joey exits to his room. The bear stands and looks at Brennan. Brennan gives the bear a “what the fuck do you want” look. The bear shakes his head in disappointment. The bear exits to Joey’s room. Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Six - “The Twittysburg Address”

“The Twittysburg Address”
Written by Joe Janes and Abraham Lincoln
3/5/09
46 of 365

CAST:
Abraham Lincoln

(Lights up at Gettysburg. Lincoln approaches a lectern on a bare stage and takes a speech written on paper out of his coat. Above his head and behind him is a screen upon which graphics will appear.)

LINCOLN

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

(A twitter-esque graphic appears on the screen behind him. Graphic: Salmon P. Chase: “Dear Lord, I hope his speech is not as long as he is tall…or ugly.”)

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.

(Graphic: William H. Seward: “Did he say the score was 4 to 7? Who won? Did we win?”)

We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

(Graphic: Augustus Bradford: “One does not wish to sound snarky, but it’s good he didn’t drag along that dog-eared VP Hannibal Hamlin”)

(Graphic: Horatio Seymour: “Could be worse. He could have brought his wife.”)

(Graphic: Augustus Bradford: “T’would be a wash. Hamlin is just Mary Todd in drag.”)

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we cannot consecrate -- we cannot hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

(GRAPHIC: Gideon Welles: “Honest Abe? More like ‘Honest-ly, Abe’ spake with a tone of exasperation.”)

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “This is one of the greatest moments in history!”)

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “I think he’s wrapping up.”)

We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

(He finishes. Solemn applause. He exits.)

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “Anyone up for hookers and baked goose?”)

(Blackout.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Five - "Puzzle Night, Part 3"

“Puzzle Night, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
3/4/09
45 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s


(Lights up on Marta, Chip and Vernon in bed. Chip in the middle. If possible, the blanket they are under has jigsaw pieces littered all over it. There is a “tent” made from Marta still wearing her strap-on. Chip looks exhausted, but elated.)

CHIP

That was amazing. That was like making love to a Hallmark card. And The Reader’s Digest. And a mound of scalloped potatoes. All rolled in to one.

VERNON

Fun being a grown-up, ay, Champ?

CHIP

It sure is, Vernon.

MARTA

We did stuff they don’t teach you in college.

CHIP

Boy, is that the truth. Still, I’d really like it if my parents didn’t find out about this.

VERNON

I think your pop would be proud, Chip.

MARTA

I know he would be. So would your mother.

CHIP

Nevertheless, I still think I’d rather this be our little secret.

VERNON

Wasn’t nothing little about it (indicating Marta’s tent.)

MARTA

Our secret. Your parents already know.

CHIP

H-how?

VERNON (pointing downstage)

Who do you think’s on the other end of that web camera?

MARTA

Everybody wave.

(They do. Even Chip, hesitantly mouthing “Hi, Mom.” Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Four - "Puzzle Night, Part 2"

“Puzzle Night, Part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
3/3/09
44 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)

MARTA

Let me take that for you, Chip.

CHIP

Thanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.

MARTA (taking dish)

Oh, call me Marta.

CHIP

That’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.

VERNON

There you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.

CHIP

Okay…Vernon.

MARTA

I’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.

(She exits.)

CHIP

O-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-

VERNON

6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.

CHIP

I’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.

VERNON

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

CHIP

Guess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.

VERNON

It’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?

CHIP

Yeah. I think so.

VERNON

Marta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife.

CHIP

Okay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –

(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)

MARTA

What’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller –

MARTA

Marta.

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry.

MARTA

Oh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.

VERNON

Hay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn.

MARTA

Just ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.

VERNON

Hey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.

CHIP

Well, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me.

(Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)

MARTA

We could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.

(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)

CHIP

Oh, look, I found the emperor's cervix.

(Lights out)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Three - "Puzzle Night, Part 1"

“Puzzle Night, Part 1”
Written by Joe Janes
3/2/09
43 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Marta and Vernon sitting at a card table working on a large jigsaw puzzle. Chip enters looking a little sweaty from yard work.)

CHIP

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON (looking out window)

Good job, Chip. Way to bang it out.

MARTA

I’m so glad you were able to fit us in on your break from school.

CHIP

Oh, no problem. Can always use the extra money.

VERNON (slyly slipping Chip twenty dollars)

C’mon in and take a load off.

MARTA

I’ll go get some lemonade.

(She exits.)

CHIP

I don’t want to impose.

VERNON

Oh, nonsense. Even a strapping young man like you needs to put his feet up once in awhile. How’s school? How’s the girls? Getting any poon-tang? (He winks.)

CHIP

Oh, Mr. Moosemiller, you’re embarrassing me.

VERNON

Get it while you can, Chip. Get it while you can.

MARTA (entering with tray)

Oh, stop bothering the boy, Vernon.

CHIP

It’s okay, Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON

Just busting the boy’s chops a bit, Marta.

(Marta pours Chip some lemonade.)

MARTA

You must be spending all your time with your girlfriends, a handsome young man like you. Very sweet of you to spend some time with two old fogies.

CHIP

I don’t mind at all. You two are like grandparents to me,

MARTA

Isn’t that sweet, Vernon?

VERNON

Hey, Chip. Why don’t you stick around and join us for dinner? Marta’s banging out her famous scalloped potatoes.

CHIP

That’s what I smell. (Sips some lemonade) This tastes funny.

MARTA

Probably the whiskey.

CHIP

Whiskey?

VERNON

You’re a big boy, now.

MARTA

Puts hair on your chest.

VERNON

Marta should know.

MARTA

Oh, Vernon.

(They laugh. Chip shrugs and keeps sipping.)

MARTA

Oh, and after dinner you can help us with our new puzzle.

VERNON

Oh, it’s a doozy. Over a thousand pieces.

MARTA

It’s historical. A palace from the Roman Empire.

VERNON (referring to the box lid)

Yep. Caligula.

(Chip looks at the puzzle.)

CHIP

It looks like –

MARTA

It is! A roman orgy.

CHIP

Is that a horse? On top of a woman?

MARTA

It is. I’m still missing a piece, though.

(Chip picks up a piece. He holds it with a little disgust.)

CHIP

Here it is.

VERNON

Good eye, Son. We’ll have this banged out in no time!

(Marta puts the piece in place. Lights out.)

Week Six, Day Forty-Two - “MR. MYSTERIUM”

“MR. MYSTERIUM”
Written by Joe Janes
3/1/09
42 of 365

CAST:
JUDGE VOODOO
MR. MYSTERIUM
STAVIUS PROCTOR
MARY PROCTOR
MALONEY
SAILOR
COURTROOM THUGS
ANNOUNCER
SOUND EFFECTS GUY

(Lights up on a 1940’s radio studio with its various old timey microphones. Off to one side is a table loaded with props for the sound effects man. All the actors dress in 1940s clothes with accents to their costumes denoting their characters. For example, Judge Voodoo wears a robe, Mr. Mysterium wears a fez, etc.)


(sfx: gong sound)

ANNOUNCER

The Dunbar Corporation presents…

MYSTERIUM

(low, slow and over-pronunciated)
Mee-sterrrrrrr Misssssss-steeeeeeerrrrr-eeeeeeeee-ummmmm. (then quickly) Fortune Teller Dectective.

ANNOUNCER

… brought to you by Dunbar - the makers of White Power Bleach. Black stains, yellow stains, red stains, even pesky little brown stains, are no match for the pure fighting power of White Power Bleach. Housewives everywhere, don’t just get your family’s clothes white, get them extra white with White Power Bleach.

(sfx: gong sound)

We hear the chattering of a small crowd.

(sfx: A gavel bangs and brings them to order.)

JUDGE

Order. Order. The court will now come to order. Bring in the prisoner!

STAVIUS

(sfx: being dragged by guards)
No, no. You people are mad. Mad, I say!

JUDGE

Guard, silence him!

(sfx: a slap is heard.)

Stavius is in pain and quiets.

JUDGE (continuing)

Mr. Stavius Proctor. Millionaire Philanthropist. Devoted husband and father. Writer of mediocre poetry. Kind to animals. Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Council to Make Orphans Happy. How do you plead?

STAVIUS

Plead? To what? What are my charges?

JUDGE

Those were your charges!

STAVIUS

What?

JUDGE

Do you deny them?

STAVIUS

No, this is ridiculous-

JUDGE

The prisoner pleads guilty of the crimes!

The crowd cheers!

JUDGE

You are hereby sentenced to…DEATH! By stoning!

(sfx: Rocks are flung at Stavius. Their pace quickens as he speaks)

STAVIUS

No, no. Please. I demand legal representation. I appeal! I appeal! I a-

(sfx: A rather large rock strikes him in the head and he falls.)

The crowd cheers, again. The sound fades.

(sfx: a bell is heard as a door opens and closes)

MARY

Hello? Hello-

MYSTERIUM

May I help you?

MARY

Are you?

MYSTERIUM

I am.

MARY

Mr. Mysterium?

MYSTERIUM

I said that I was.

MARY

I need your help.

MYSTERIUM

I know.

MARY

How did you know?

MYSTERIUM

Because you are here.

MARY

I see.

MYSTERIUM

No, I see. I am a seer of many things good and evil. Your name is Mary Proctor. You are here because your husband, Stavius Proctor, is missing. The police have been unable to help you, so you have come to me, Mr. Mysterium.

MARY

That’s about right.

MYSTERIUM

Your husband is dead.

MARY

Dead?

MYSTERIUM

Dead… That will be fifty dollars. Is there anything else I can help you with?

MARY

Dead?

MYSTERIUM

Yes.

MARY

Dead dead?

MYSTERIUM

Yes. I am a seer of good and evil. This is the evil part. I saw it in my crystal ball. I will take a check, but I prefer cash.

(sfx: A rock is thrown through the window of Mr. Mysterium’s shop and hits him in the head.)

MYSTERIUM

Ow! My head! My window! My head! I wish I had seen that coming!

MARY

There’s a note tied to the rock. And there’s blood on it.

MYSTERIUM

That’s probably mine. What does it say?

MARY

It says “If you want to see your husband again, be at the docks at midnight. Come alone. Bring $10,000. Preferably in cash.” My husband is still alive! You said he was dead.

MYSTERIUM

I thought it was him. Stocky. Curly red hair. Screams like a woman….?

MARY

That’s Stavius, all right.

MYSTERIUM

This could be a trick, Mrs. Proctor.

MARY

I can’t take that chance. Stavius needs me. The orphans need him.

MYSTERIUM

But $10,000, plus my $50 and the window, is a lot of money.

MARY

I don’t see how I owe you $50 if my husband is not as dead as you claimed.

MYSTERIUM

Well, I did put in the time. At least the window. Let me consult my crystal ball-

MARY

I’m afraid I don’t have time, Mr. Mysterium. The bank will close soon and I need to get that money together.

(sfx: She exits out the door with the bell)

MYSTERIUM

All right, then. I’ll just send you the bill.

(Sfx: a door opens. The sounds of a ship’s horn and sea gulls are heard. A door closes, silencing the shipyard sounds.)

MALONEY

Judge.

JUDGE

Yes, Maloney.

MALONEY

The message has been delivered to Mrs. Proctor. We followed her to some fortune-teller’s shop.

JUDGE

Fortune-teller, you say?

MALONEY

Yeah. A Mister Mystanthemum.

JUDGE

Mysterium, you idiot.

MALONEY

Yeah, that’s him. You want I should go mangle him up?

JUDGE

I have a better idea. Get the word out amongst your lackeys, Maloney. After we deliver Mr. Proctor and collect our due, court is going to be in session. (He laughs. Maloney joins him.)

(sfx: gong)

ANNOUNCER

We’ll return to “Mr. Mysterium, Fortune Teller Detective” in just a moment. Right now, I want to speak to the ladies about the Dunbar Corporation’s new product - White Power Bleach. Are you tired of washing clothes only for them to get dirty again? Well, White Power Bleach is the soaping agent you’ve been looking for. Every time you use the scientifically proven superior White Power Bleach, it builds an invisible protective barrier on your clothes. White Power Bleach gets unwanted stains out and keeps them out. Now, back to our story…

(sfx: gong)

(sfx: We hear dock sounds and a bell tolling in the background and the footsteps of a sailor.)

MARY

Excuse me, sailor. Yoo-hoo. Do you have the time?

SAILOR(lustfully)

Do I have the time? You bet I have the time, lady. …It’s midnight.

MARY

Thank you.

(sfx: walking off)

SAILOR (trailing off)

You’re welcome. Have a good evening.

MARY

My, it’s chilly out here. And so,so foggy. I can barely see my hand in front of my face, if I were to actually do such a thing. This satchel full of money is quite heavy.

JUDGE

Allow me to relieve you of it.

MARY

Who’s there?

JUDGE

Never mind who. Just put the satchel down and walk away.

MARY

But, where’s my husband?

JUDGE

He’s right behind you.

(sfx: Stavius is heard groaning and slowly walking toward Mary)

MARY

Stavius! Oh, Stavius! It’s you! It’s really you.

JUDGE

Maloney. Grab the satchel and check the money.

MALONEY

Right, Judge.

MARY

Oh, Stavius.

STAVIUS

(slowly)
Mary-

MARY

Yes, tis I. Your sweet devoted wife, Mary. I thought you were dead.

MYSTERIUM

He is dead, Mary.

MARY

Mr. Mysterium!

MYSTERIUM

Stay right where you are, you criminals. Don’t you dare move, Judge Voodoo.

JUDGE

Hello, Carl.

MYSTERIUM

Hello, Steve.

JUDGE

Why I haven’t seen you since…

JUDGE MYSTERIUM
Morrocco! Cleveland!

MYSTERIUM

Morocco?

JUDGE

Yes, I think it was Morocco.

MYSTERIUM

I could have sworn Cleveland. The flesh-eating rainbow perch you threw into Lake Erie?

JUDGE

I almost had them growing feet and walking onto shore before you interfered. But I’m still thinking Morocco was the last time… The scarabs , the fake mummy and the mystical babaganoush…The fez of doom?

MYSTERIUM

I kept the fez of doom. I use it for my winter fez. It’s very warm.

MARY

Carl Mysterium?

MALONEY

Steve Voodoo?

JUDGE

Judge Steve Voodoo. I earned this robe.

STAVIUS

Mary.

MARY

Oh, Stavius. It’s so good to have you back. You’re so cold. Here. Wear my bonnet.

MYSTERIUM

Tell her why Stavius is so cold, Voodoo.

JUDGE

Certainly, Mysterium. Mrs. Proctor, your husband is so cold because he is a zombie.

MARY

A zombie?

JUDGE

That’s right. A zombie. The living dead. He is in my control, now. I plan to return him to his philanthropic world and have him funnel his charitable dollars to us.

MYSTERIUM

So, you see, technically dead, which means I was right. Which also means there’s a matter of $50 and a window…

MARY

Fine, fine. I’ll pay you $50. But I’m not paying for that window. It was your window.

MYSTERIUM

The note was for you.

MARY

Have the person who threw the rock replace the window.

MYSTERIUM

I would, if I knew-

MALONEY

I threw the rock.

MARY

There you go. Get your money from that mean man.

MYSTERIUM

Fine. You, sir, owe me a new window. $35 ought to cover it.

MALONEY

Sheesh, I don’t carry that kind of cash on me. Oh wait- Here you go.

MARY

But that’s my money.

MYSTERIUM(counting the money)

Ten, twenty, thirty, thirty-five. Thank you.

JUDGE

Technically, it’s my money, now.

MALONEY

What should I do, Judge?

JUDGE

Let him keep it. We’ll get it back from him soon enough.

MYSTERIUM

You won’t get away with this, Voodoo.

JUDGE

Won’t I? Perhaps your crystal ball forgot to warn you about the men hiding in the shadows just behind you! Get him boys! Boys?

MYSTERIUM

Ha! My crystal ball did warn me about them. Perhaps you’re voodoo vision neglected to tell you that I had the police come earlier and dispatch of them. Officers! Officers! You can come out now!

JUDGE

Ha and Ha! My voodoo vision did warn me of your little plan and I hired a gang of shifty shore men to tie them up and ship them off to Shanghai!

MARY

But your crystal ball saw that, too, didn’t it, Mr. Mysterium? Didn’t it?

MYSTERIUM

You know, it really only gets one channel-

JUDGE

Grab him, Maloney!

MALONEY

Come here, you-

(sfx: Maloney struggles with and grabs Mysterium)

MALONEY

Got him, boss. What about Mrs. Proctor?

JUDGE

Don’t worry, her husband will take care of her.

(sfx: Zombie growling and struggling and dragging away)

MARY(trailing off)

Oh, Stavius. You animal! Oh, how I’ve missed you! This one’s for the orphans!

MYSTERIUM

And what do you plan to do with me, Voodoo?

JUDGE

Don’t worry, Mysterium. You will have your day - in court! (he laughs)

(sfx: crowd sounds and gavel calling court to order)

JUDGE

Order! Order in the court! Mr. Carl Mysterium. Teller of fortunes. Thwarter of evil. You are hereby sentenced to DEATH!

(sfx: crowd cheers and pelts Mysterium with rocks.)

MYSTERIUM

Sticks and – oh - stones may break my –

(sfx: big rock hits him in the head)

Ow.

(sfx: he falls)

The crowd cheers!

(sfx: door opening, letting in dock sounds, and door closing again).

MALONEY

Mr. Judge. We got more money in from the Proctors for our own “orphan” fund.

JUDGE

Excellent. Let’s celebrate, Maloney. Mysterium, bring us lime phosphates.

(SFX: Zombie groaning, quick mixing of drinks, and shuffling is heard)

MYSTERIUM

Here, Master.

JUDGE

Thank you. To us, Maloney – uh, why are you still here, Mysterium? And why are you holding your hand out?

MYSTERIUM

Tip.

JUDGE

One doesn’t tip a zombie slave. That’s the slave part. (MYSTERIUM groans) Fine. Here’s a quarter. Go away.

(sfx: Mysterium shuffles off)

MALONEY

You know, Boss, if you keep tipping him for everything he does, you’ll run out of money.

JUDGE

Not if we keep stealing it, Maloney. Not if we keep stealing! (They laugh, Mysterium joins in very loudly and kills the joy of their laughter.) Oh, shut up, Mysterium.

ANNOUNCER

Will Mr. Mysterium forever be Judge Voodoo’s zombie slave? Will he find a way to undo being undead? Will he be able to undo the voodoo Judge Voodoo dood? Join us next week on…

(SFX: GONG)

MYSTERIUM

(low, slow and over-pronunciated) Mee-sterrrrrrr Misssssss-steeeeeeerrrrr-eeeeeeeee-ummmmm. (then quickly) Fortune Teller Detective. And zombie.

ANNOUNCER

… brought to you by Dunbar - the makers of White Power
Bleach. Most laundry bleaches get your clothes clean for only a short period of time, but White Power Bleach is forever. Goodnight!

(sfx: gong sound)

Week Six, Day Forty-One - “This Is My Art”

“This Is My Art”
Written by Joe Janes
2/28/09
41 of 365

CAST
Yahnkin, 50s, Australian

(We hear slow building light classical music, sort of like the theme from 2001, but, please God, not that! As the music builds, light comes up center stage revealing Yahnkin. He is playing the music on a keyboard with his right hand. He wears a hands free microphone on his head. He is naked except for a pair of tight black spandex shorts and a cape. His left arm is shrouded under the cape. When the music reaches its peak it stops cold and he dramatically raises his left arm revealing a fish fin.)

YAHNKIN

The evolution of man – and woo-man. When man first crawled from the ocean he did so on all four fins. The further he moved from the surf, the more his fins became obsolete. They fell from his – and her – body and were replaced by fleshy hands and feet. Feet, which are just long hands with nubby fingers. But was evolution the right choice? If man – and woo-man – had to do it all over again, would they make the same choice? I am Yahnkin. I am an artist. I call this performance piece “First Hand.” Last year in Helsinki, a top team of well-paid surgeons removed my left arm and replaced it with the ventral fin of a whale. It cost millions of dollars. The expense was underwritten by three major universities, one not as major university and Pepsi. I did this so I could experience, first hand, what it was like for our ancestors when they were finned.

(Yahnkin steps over to a small table with various props on it.)

What was it like for the first man – or woo-man – to drink for refreshment?

(He tries to grab a can of Pepsi with his fin. He is unable to and ends up knocking the can on the ground. He mewls like an animal in frustration.)

What was it like to groom one’s self?

(He reaches for a hairbrush and tries to pick it up. He is unable to. He tries to comb his hair with his fin and cries while doing so.)

My biggest question was how did man – or woo-man – move beyond the daily needs of function and learn to express love through touch.

(He approaches a woman in the audience.)

Please stand. (Whether she stands or not, he sincerely says…) Thank you. What was it like for a finned being to caress the cheek of a lover? (He does so while sighing.) …What was it like to playfully tickle? (He does so while saying “Goochie-coo.”)... What was it like to strike another in a fit of rage (He rears his fin over his head as if about to hit her. He regains control and calms himself down.) I promised the doctors that I would never use my fin in anger.

(He walks back to his original position at the keyboard and strikes a sustaining note.)

We lost our fins to evolution. We should reclaim them. Reclaim them in the name of revolution! I am Yahnkin.

(He takes a deep bow, regardless of the response. He then looks at the watch on his human arm.)

I still have another 45 minutes left in my performance. I will spend the rest of the time standing here and you may come up and touch my fin.

(He stands and waits in silence. If someone does, great. If no one does, even better. After a long, painful lull...)

I will now retire to my dressing room, which is the men’s bathroom on the third floor. Please knock before entering if you need to use it. I am Yahnkin!

(He exits with a flourish. Lights out.)