Week 44, Day 302 - "To The Impossible"

“To The Impossible”

Written by Joe Janes

11/16/09

302 of 365

Cast:

Lol, 40s

Kevin, 20s

(Lights up on Lol looking out a large picture window. Kevin, nervous, enters carrying a folder. He stands at the door. Lol doesn’t seem to notice him. Kevin reaches over to the door and knocks lightly.)

LOL (without turning)

Have a seat, Kevin.

(Kevin does.)

LOL

I love this view. I had my sights set on this corner office suite before it was even available. I waited. I waited until the previous company folded. And then I pounced. When I see something I like, I get. The key is knowing when to pounce. Wouldn’t you agree, Kevin?

KEVIN

I think that’s why you are the boss.

LOL

The boss. Such an informal title. Maybe “leader.” What do you think of leader?

KEVIN

I think it states the obvious.

(Kevin hands Lol the folder.)

LOL

Right you are. (Lol looks through the folder.) I like you, Kevin. This final interview is just a formality. If someone gets this far in the process, I usually hire him or her. You’re from Columbus, Ohio.

KEVIN

Yes, sir. Went to OSU.

LOL

Go, Buckeyes.

KEVIN

Go, Buckeyes. (They laugh.) I would very much like to work for Smersh Industries, Sir.

LOL

If someone like a family member or your best friend asked you what Smersh Industries did, Kevin, what would you say?

KEVIN

That Smersh Industries is the leader in the effective importing and exporting of textiles and mercantile for a global community.

LOL

Very good. Now, what would you say if I asked you Smersh Industries did?

KEVIN

Smersh Industries, led by Lol Smersh, the richest, most powerful man in the world, restores order where once was mayhem and mayhem where once was order.

LOL

Spoken like someone already devoted to the success of my company.

KEVIN

I am, sir. I truly am.

LOL

There’s only one last test, Kevin. (Lol guides Kevin from his seat to the downstage wall and pushes a button. We hear a hum as the wall moves revealing a map of the world.)

KEVIN

Wow. It’s a map of the world. The whole world.

LOL

Every inch of it. The red areas are places we have already infiltrated as an industry. We have little of no competition in those areas.

KEVIN

That’s a lot of red.

LOL

It is. Of course, I won’t be happy until the whole world has a crimson tint. To do that. I really need to know that my employees have my back, no matter what. Do you see how all the cities have little lit-up buttons.

KEVIN

Yes. Look at that. That’s some very detailed work. Every city all over the world.

LOL

Press any one of those buttons and that city disappears.

KEVIN

What do you mean, disappears?

LOL

I mean, the ground opens up underneath it and the city falls in never to be heard from again.

KEVIN

I find that hard to believe.

LOL

Then press a button. If you want to work for me, you’ll need to any way.

KEVIN

The lights that are out-

LOL

Those buttons have already been pressed.

KEVIN

LA? LA’s not there any more?

LOL

Hasn’t been there two or three years.

KEVIN

I think I would have read something about that.

LOL

You probably did and then just forgot it. Happens.

KEVIN

I’m sure I wouldn’t forget LA being destroyed.

LOL

Really? Pearl Harbor? The Alamo? 9/11? Ever hear of any of them?

KEVIN

Yes.

LOL

Bad examples. Look, Kevin, I want to take over the world. Well on my way, as you can see. I need people that won’t blink when I tell them its time to destroy (looks at map) Gary, Indiana.

KEVIN

I’m not sure.

LOL

A mob of people would knock you down just for an opportunity to destroy Gary. Even without the promise of employment. Pick a place you know, pick a place you never heard of. It doesn’t matter to me. Pick New York City, pick Jumbuck, Egypt. Pick something. Pounce, Kevin, pounce!

(Kevin is about to, but stops.)

KEVIN

Mr. Smersh.

LOL

Lol.

KEVIN

Lol. I can’t do this. I can’t take the lives of innocent people just to forward the survival of one man and his corporation.

(Lol puts his arm around Kevin.)

LOL

Kevin, I am touched by your humanity. Deeply touched. You have passed the test. You start on Monday.

KEVIN

Really? Thank, Sir. Thank you.

LOL

No, Kevin, Thank you. Now, a limousine is waiting for you outside. It will take you to the airport and fly you back to Columbus in my private supersonic jet. You’ll be home packing within the hour.

KEVIN

I’m speechless.

LOL

I take care of my people, Kevin. (He walks him to the door.) Now, off you go. (Kevin exits. Lol picks up the phone.) Holly? Make sure Kevin gets to Columbus. Take care of him. And then take care of Columbus. … Yes, I’ll even let you push the button. Thank you. Send in the next candidate. (He hangs up. He moves back to the picture window and does an evil, evil laugh. Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 301 - "A Fistful of Yarn"

“A Fistful of Yarn”

Written by Joe Janes

11/15/09

301 of 365

CAST

Pearl, 30s

Lacey, 20s

Duke, 30s

Nittie, 30s

Sheriff, 50s

(Lights up on a truck stop/diner. Pearl is pouring coffee for a stranger who is hunched over and wearing a hat – shhh, it’s Nittie. She walks behind the counter. Lacey brings over some dirty dishes and starts placing them in a rack.)

PEARL

Lousy night, eh, Lacey?

LACEY

I don’t know. I’ve had three offers to go for a real slow truck drive after I get off. Unfortunately, they came from three really slow truck drivers.

PEARL

What makes you think you’ll ever find the right guy here at the truck stop?

LACEY

This is where you met Duke.

PEARL

Like I said.

LACEY

I thought you loved Duke.

PEARL

I wouldn’t use the word “love.” More like “sentenced to.” There’s only one man I ever loved and he upped and disappeared on me.

LACEY

You mean Nittie. Nittie the Needle. Nittie the Needle, the killer.

PEARL

Nittie wouldn’t hurt a fly.

LACEY

Tell that to the Turk who got his throat threaded last year.

(Duke enters and clears his throat.)

LACEY

Hey, Duke!

DUKE

Lacey, you look as fresh and glistening as a springtime rose in the morning spray of a Rottweiler.

LACEY

Oh, Duke. You’re embarrassing me. I’ll go check on my tables.

(She exits.)

DUKE

Sorry about last night, Pearl.

PEARL

I guess when you’re drunk the only thing you can raise is your fist.

DUKE

I said I was sorry. I’ll make it up to you tonight.

PEARL

Maybe I won’t be there.

DUKE

Oh, you’ll be there. What the hell else would you do? Move in with Lacey and her kid? That trailer ain’t big enough for a no-legged midget.

PEARL

Don’t make fun of Lacey’s kid. He can’t help it.

(Duke grabs her roughly.)

DUKE

Don’t tell me what to do. You won’t leave, you’re too scared. Too scared of what I’ll do if I find you and too scared to find out you just ain’t got no life.

STRANGER

Maybe you should go easy on the lady.

DUKE

Maybe you should keep your nose outta where it don’t belong, Mister.

PEARL

Duke, you’re hurting me.

(Duke lets go.)

DUKE

I’ll see you around eleven. I’ll light some Glade candles, put some Charlie Rich on the stereo, and slip into my red kimono. Nittie ran away. I’m the man who stayed.

PEARL

Shut up about Nittie. Don’t you say his name.

DUKE

Nittie was a coward.

(We hear the sound effect of something like an arrow whipping through the air and landing near Duke’s head. Duke pulls it out of the wall.)

DUKE (continuing)

What do you know? A size 5 double-pointed. The same kind that scratched the tonsils of that Turk who lived up the road.

NITTIE (standing)

I don’t take kindly to being called a coward.

PEARL

Nittie!

NITTIE

I’m tired of running, Pearl. I came back to turn myself in to the sheriff. He’s meeting me here. Just wanted to see you one last time.

DUKE

Pearl’s my girl, now.

NITTIE

I also have a score to settle…with you.

DUKE

Me? What for?

NITTIE

For treating Pearl like she was anything less than gold.

DUKE

Let’s settle this outside. Like men.

NITTIE

I’ve got a better idea. Let’s settle it inside. Like men. You packing?

(Nittie pulls out knitting needles.)

DUKE

Oh, I’m packing. Pulls out his knitting needles. I should warn you. I recently won best of show at the St. Ervine’s Rummage and Taco Sale.

LACEY (re-entering)

Duke knitted an elegant bolster, a whimsical crib toy, a quintet of wonderful wearables and more… I bought them all!

NITTIE

You talkin’ or knitting?

DUKE

She was talking. I was being polite and listening.

(The Sheriff enters.)

SHERIFF

Nittie! Put down those needles.

DUKE

Stay back, Sheriff. This is between him and me. He’s all mine.

NITTIE

I ain’t going nowhere, Sheriff. I’ll turn myself over to you as soon as I’m done mopping up the floor with-

DUKE

Go!

(They both start knitting furiously. They are quickly producing a bounty of knitted material. Lacey keeps unfurling Duke’s knitting and Pearl helps Nittie.)

SHERIFF

Boys! Boys! This is madness! Stop this before someone gets hurt.

DUKE

I’ll stop if he stops first.

NITTIE

It ain’t over till it’s over.

SHERIFF

You can’t just knit without a purpose. It’s pointless.

DUKE

I’m just getting started. You know Lacey’s tiny trailer, Sheriff? I’m going to knit her a doublewide.

LACEY

Oh, Duke.

NITTIE

Sheriff, that jailhouse can get mighty drafty, can’t it?

SHERIFF

Me and the boys are always fighting a case of the sniffles.

NITTIE

Well, I’m going to knit you a jail cozy for the whole building. And I’m going to make it Pearl’s favorite color, fuscia.

PEARL

Oh, Nittie.

DUKE

Oh, yeah. Well I’m going to knit a giant sweater for the homeless- Aggg! Cramp! Cramp!

PEARL

You won, Nittie! You won!

(She hugs and kisses him.)

DUKE

You may have won this contest, Nittie, but your prize is a chauffeured limousine ride to the hoosegow. Arrest him, Sheriff.

SHERIFF

I can’t.

NITTIE

What?

SHERIFF

That’s what I tried to tell you. We found new evidence that clears you. A suicide note. From the Turk.

LACEY

A suicide note?

SHERIFF

It reads, “To whom it may concern: Life sucks. Gotta go. Buh-bye. The Turk.” There it was, plain as day, taped to his gun rack next to his overstuffed medicine cabinet. Sorry we missed it, Nittie. You’re a free man.

NITTIE

Thank you, Sheriff.

PEARL

Nittie, that’s so wonderful.

SHERIFF

Give you a ride to the hospital, Duke?

DUKE

I’ll take you up on that.

(The Sheriff exits.)

LACEY

Guess you’ll need someone to help you nurse your wound, Duke.

DUKE

Reckon I will.

LACEY

I’m really good with adhesives.

(They start to exit. Duke turns back.)

DUKE

Nittie, I don’t like you much. Just looking at you turns my stomach into tassels. But I sure as hell respect a man who can knit like you.

NITTIE

I’m glad to hear that, Duke. I was going to ask you to be my best man.

PEARL

Best man for what?

NITTIE

I didn’t tell you? I’m getting married.

PEARL

To whom?

NITTIE

To you, I hope.

PEARL

Oh, Nittie.

(They kiss. Lacey is very happy for them.)

DUKE

You know I don’t like you, right? And she used to be my girl? Don’t see why I’d be your best man. (They are still kissing.) Guess what I’m saying is “no. “ Just want to be clear.

(They are still kissing, He exits. Lacey is still watching them. Duke comes back and grabs Lacey and goes. They are still kissing. Lights fade.)

Week 43, Day 300 - "Winning The Lottery"

“Winning The Lottery”

Written by Joe Janes

11/14/09

300 of 365

Cast:

Dean, 70s

Esther, 4os

(Lights up on Esther behind the counter at a convenience store. Dean enters.)

ESTHER

Hey, Dean.

DEAN

Goody good morning to you, Esther.

ESTHER

Goody good noon to you, Dean.

(Dean looks at his watch.)

DEAN

Where does the day go?

(He looks at her for an answer. After a pause, she shrugs.)

ESTHER

Coffee and the lotto?

DEAN

Yep. The usual, barkeep.

(Esther pours him a cup of coffee and is about to get him a lotto ticket.)

ESTHER

Dean, what are you going to do if you win?

DEAN

If I win? You mean, when I win.

ESTHER

Not to be a balloon buster, Dean, but you’ve been playing the same numbers everyday for years and you’ve never won anything.

DEAN

Every dog has his day. And some day, this dog will have his day. Woof!

ESTHER

Dean, I’m just saying. All the money you spend on the lottery, you could have just bought something by now.

DEAN

Save it and spend it? Winning’s more fun.

ESTHER

Yes, it is. If you win.

(She hands him the coffee.)

DEAN

I play for fun.

ESTHER

How can never winning be any fun? I think you have some kind of addiction or something. You’re a gambler.

DEAN

It’s only a buck.

ESTHER

A buck a day. For over a decade. That’s…four or five thousand dollars.

DEAN

But if I win, it could be millions.

ESTHER

What would happen if you didn’t play today? Just take your coffee and walk away.

(Dean looks very concerned.)

DEAN

I’ve played for so long. Just the laws of the universe dictate that my numbers are close to coming up. I can’t stop playing. The day I don’t put down a buck is the day my numbers come up. I don’t want my numbers coming up and me holding my wiener instead of a winning ticket.

ESTHER

Tell you what. You keep your dollar, don’t buy the ticket and, if it wins, I’ll pay you a million dollars.

DEAN

You don’t have a million dollars.

ESTHER

Neither of us do and neither of us ever will throwing good money down the lottery drain.

DEAN

You don’t know that. Somebody has to win. There’s always a winner. May as well be me, Esther. May as well be me. Now, you give me my ticket.

ESTHER

Okay, Dean. Okay. (She punches in his numbers into the machine.) Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Here. One dollar.

(She hands it to him and he gives her a dollar.)

DEAN

I’m going to buy a new truck. A real nice one. With multiple cup holders. And I’ll take my dog Barney to the marsh and let him run around. He’s getting’ up there and deserves to run around and chase some rabbits. If there’s anything left, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll buy you a truck, too.

(He exits. Esther punches numbers into the machine and takes the ticket. She throws a dollar into a cash drawer.)

ESTHER

Somebody has to win.

(Blackout)

Week 43, Day 299 - "Thief" or "Shark Jumped"

“Thief” or “Shark Jumped”

Written by Joe Janes

11/13/09

299 of 365

CAST

Emily, 20s

Joe, 40s

Mary Cait, 20s

Ed, 20s

Garin, 20s

(Lights up on Emily holding a sign that says “Joe Janes Is A Thief!”)

EMILY

Joe Janes is a thief! Joe Janes is a thief!

(Mary Cait and Ed walk by.)

EMILY (continuing)

Joe Janes is a thief! Are you going to see his show?

MARY CAIT

Yeah.

EMILY

Well, you should know he’s a thief. He steals his ideas from his writing students.

ED

We already have tickets. We got them at a discount.

(They exit.)

EMILY

Enjoy laughing at the sweat and blood of other writers! Stolen sweat! Uncredited blood!

(Joe enters.)

JOE

Emily? Emily what are you doing?

EMILY

Telling the world the truth. That you are a hack. Joe Janes steals all his ideas!

JOE

Keep it down, would you? There’s people inside. Okay, just two, but, they paid for their tickets. What are you talking about? Is this about Suzan-Lori Parks? I’m up front about that.

EMILY

I’m sure she didn’t resort to stealing ideas for her plays.

JOE

Not really plays, per se, but what are you referring to?

EMILY

Okay, well, for one, you wrote a scene about the “R” word.

JOE

You got me. I stole mental retardation and claimed it as my own.

EMILY

Ha, ha. Three months ago, in our writing class, Eduardo wrote a scene about the “R” word. Then last week, I read yours on-line. I find that very interesting.

JOE

Many people have written scenes that deal with the “R” word, even Second City.

EMILY

You also wrote a “Twilight” scene and April wrote a “Twilight” scene.

JOE

I’ve seen or heard over a dozen “Twilight” scenes in the past year. It’s the new Harry Potter for easy parodies.

EMILY

Randall wrote a chariot race scene and then you wrote a scene about a Roman emperor.

JOE

I also ate a Caesar salad. How do you know I didn’t lift the idea from salad dressing?

EMILY

I wrote a tarot card scene.

JOE

I remember and so?

EMILY

And you, all of a sudden, write a Ouija board scene. Very interesting.

JOE

Emily-

(Garin, a shirtless overweight man with his face painted gold and green and carrying a 20oz of beer storms up to them and getting on their faces shouting….)

GARIN

Go Irish! Go Irish! Fuck ya’! Irish! Irish! Irish! Whooo!

(He exits.)

JOE

That was weird.

Emily

Yeah.

JOE

Emily, having a scene that addresses the same or similar topic as another scene doesn’t make it stealing. If that were the criteria for originality, no one would write anything. Break-up scenes, doctor-patient scenes, office scenes, family scenes, they’ve all been done before. All. And if I’m writing 365 scenes, I’m going to cover a lot of the same territory and probably more than once.

EMILY

I understand. So, writing 365 scenes is no big deal if you just rewrite all the scenes you have ever heard or seen.

(Awkward pause.)

JOE

That’s correct. How much for you to leave?

EMILY

Free classes.

JOE

Done.

(They high five. Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 298 - "Staying Up Late"

“Staying Up Late”

Written by Joe Janes

11/12/09

298 of 365

Cast:

Keith, 30s

Larry, 30s

(Lights up on Keith sitting at the far end of his living room sofa watching TV late at night. It is something that might be on The Food Network. He keeps nodding off. Larry wanders in having wakened from the noise of the TV.)

LARRY

Keith…Keith…

(Larry picks up the remote and turns off the TV.)

KEITH

Hey, I was watching that.

LARRY

It’s late. I’m trying to sleep.

KEITH

Too bad, Larry.

LARRY

I have to work in the morning and so do you.

KEITH

Actually, I don’t have to work in the morning so I am staying up late. Your normal Thursday night is like my bonus extra wild Friday night. I found out this afternoon. Some guy in accounting died or something. I just started a month ago. I didn’t even know him. But we all get tomorrow off. I feel bad for him, but look at this silver lining. I don’t have to be in bed by 10pm to get up and get to work on time. So, I’m taking advantage of it. After you hit the sack, I drank a beer. I ate a bag of potato chips. A whole bag. I’ve been watching stuff I don’t get to watch during prime time. I am celebrating my freedom.

LARRY

By falling asleep with the television on.

KEITH

I was just resting my eyes.

LARRY

What were you watching?

KEITH

Something with boobs in it.

(Larry turns the TV back on. We clearly hear Alton Brown talking excitedly about some spice, like cinnamon. Larry turns it back off.)

LARRY

Go to bed.

(Larry exits. Keith turns the TV back on. He turns the channel a few times until we hear something that sounds like porn music. He smiles and tries to watch, but dozes off. Lights fade.)

Week 43, Day 297 - "Seance"

“Séance”

Written by Joe Janes

11/11/09

297 of 365

Cast

Madame Orlenka, 50s

Miranda, 30s

Peter, 30s

Nina, 40s

Stuart, 40s

Norman, 50s

(Lights up around a dimly lit table. Everyone is seated in a semi-circle with Madame Orlenka in the center. She is flanked by Peter and Miranda. The séance is already underway.)

MADAME

Everyone, keep your hands delicately on the table, with our fingertips touching ever so lightly. (She takes a deep breath) I feel the presence of a spirit.

MIRANDA

Is it Alicia? Is it our baby?

MADAME

Shhhhhh…. I am attempting to be in tune with the spirit world. I need silence.

MIRANDA

But-

PETER

Silence, Miranda.

MADAME

Oh, spirit. Make yourself present in our world. Let us know that you are with us. Give us a sign.

NINA

Oh!

STUART

Someone’s moving the table.

(The table rises and lowers. It does it again, but stays risen.)

MIRANDA

Alicia. Baby, we miss you.

STUART

Alicia would never lift a table.

NORMAN

I agree. Sweet girl, but I never saw her lift a finger except to scratch her own fanny. And even that caused her to break a sweat.

(The table lowers as if dropped.)

MADAME

Spirit, oh, spirit. If you are the dear spirit of Peter and Miranda’s daughter Alicia, please give us a sign. Some kind of sign.

(They see a trumpet dangling in the air and they hear what sounds like a horn blast from the trumpet.)

NINA

That was obnoxious.

STUART

Why would Alicia play a trumpet? She never played the trumpet.

NORMAN

Apparently, she still doesn’t.

PETER

So, it could be her.

MIRANDA

Madame Orlenka, please tell her we love her.

MADAME

She hears you.

MIRANDA

We love you, Alicia.

PETER

Did you hear us, baby?

(The horn blasts, again.)

NINA

Couldn’t she take up a different instrument in the after life? Who takes up the trumpet when you’re dead? Harps are nice.

STUART

Harps are nice. I only hear them when I go out to brunch.

NORMAN

Ask her to play the harp for us.

MADAME

She wants to know why you summoned her here.

PETER

To tell her that we love her.

MADAME

Anything else?

MIRANDA

And that we miss her.

PETER

We miss her terribly.

MADAME

She says she’s got it.

(Pause)

PETER

Alicia, your whole family is here. Daddy, Mommy, Aunt Nina and Uncles Stuart and Norman.

(Pause)

STUART

Well, this is awkward.

NINA

Isn’t she going to say anything back? Like, “miss you, too”?

NORMAN

I always thought she was a rude little girl.

STUART

Not so little.

MIRANDA

Alicia. It’s okay. We know you love us.

MADAME

No, she doesn’t.

MIRANDA

What?

MADAME

She just said she didn’t. She’s happy to be on the other side. Please don’t bother her. See you when you get here…maybe.

PETER

Now, you see here, Alicia. This is your father and you’ll listen to me. Your mother and I gave you everything you ever wanted. You were our world. Now, we probably could have been better parents. We probably shouldn’t have left the Christmas lights up that far into spring and so close to the swimming pool. But you really probably shouldn’t have been swimming when I hadn’t cleaned the leaves out, yet. Or taken the cover off.

MIRANDA

But we know you liked the flashing colored lights, so you did get to see them one more time before…

PETER

We did everything for you, Alicia. A little thank you is all we ask. Just a little thank you.

(They hear a weak, sustained blast from a horn.)

MADAME

She’s gone. I think that was a thank you.

(Peter and Miranda hug.)

MIRANDA

Thank you, Madame Orlenka. Thank you. You’ve helped make us very happy.

MADAME

My job is helping loved ones connect with one another. I’m glad I could do that.

PETER

Let’s go to the den. I think we should toast this momentous evening.

NINA

I need a drink. What do you take in your whiskey, Madame?

MADAME

One ice cube. Hold the ice cube. (She giggles as they walk off.)

(Stuart looks at Norman suspiciously.)

STUART

That last one didn’t quite sound like a horn.

NORMAN

Just my way of saying “thank you.”

(Lights fade.)