Week Seven, Day Forty-Nine - “Belmont"

“Belmont”
Written by Joe Janes
3/8/09
49 of 365

CAST:
Jim, late 40s
Sarah, late 30s

(Lights up on the Belmont “L” train stop in Chicago. It is a Sunday morning before 10am in July. Jim and Sarah are on the platform. Jim sits on one end of a wooden, backless bench. Sarah, wearing a short skirt, paces back and forth. Her heels make a loud sound when she walks. JIM has a bag of groceries from Whole Foods next to him on the bench.)

SARAH

This sucks.

JIM (startled)

Yes. Yes, it does. My chocolate covered bananas are melting.

SARAH

It’s July and I’m freezing.

JIM

And, yet, my bananas are melting. I even gave myself an hour. I don’t think I’ve ever waited so long for the Red Line.

SARAH

I’m waiting for the Brown Line. It’s my first day at a new job.

JIM

Really? What time were you supposed to be there?

SARAH

10am.

JIM

Downtown? You’re going to be late.

SARAH

I know.

JIM

You would have been late any way.

SARAH

What do you mean?

JIM

Even if the trains were running on time, you would have been late. You’ve only been up here about five minutes. With construction, takes about thirty minutes to get downtown.

SARAH

I tried to get up on time.

JIM

I used to have that problem.

SARAH

What did you do?

JIM

I bought two alarm clocks. One near the bed and one that I have to get out of bed to turn off?

SARAH

I think using one alarm clock would be a step in the right direction for me.

JIM

You should probably call your new employer.

SARAH

Or I should just say fuck it. Take it as a sign from the universe.

JIM

I don’t think the universe had much to do with you oversleeping. That’s more of a sign from you that you don’t want the job.

SARAH

It’s retail. I can’t stand fuckin’ retail. Shit pay and creepy managers younger than me watching my every move.

JIM

You should probably call them and tell them you’ll be late.

SARAH

My phone died.

JIM

Use mine.

SARAH

I’ll give the train a few more minutes. You have the day off?

JIM

It’s Sunday.

SARAH

Sunday. So, you and all the normal people sleep in or go to church. Do family stuff.

JIM

Or shop. Do you want one of these bananas? They’re not very good melted. Even when you re-freeze them, they’re off.

SARAH

Let me see that box. Organic and vegan. Five bucks for a box of four? Dude, it’s just a banana on a stick.

JIM

Try one. They’re good. (She does)

SARAH

That is good. Thanks. This is my breakfast.

JIM

I’ve had worse things for breakfast.

SARAH

My name’s Sarah.

JIM

Jim.

SARAH

Thanks for the cold banana, Jim.

JIM

You are welcome, Sarah.

SARAH

You look pretty together. That’s a nice watch.

JIM

Oh, thanks. It was a gift. I’d never buy myself something like this.

SARAH

What do you do for a living, Jim?

JIM

I’m an administrator at a small music school.

SARAH

That pay a lot?

JIM

Not enough to keep me rolling in chocolate-covered bananas. My partner is an architect. He’s the real moneymaker.

SARAH

Ah, the secret of living. Finding the right sugar daddy.

JIM

David would probably agree with you, but I love my job. I was doing it before we met. I just lucked out.

(Sarah throws what’s left of her banana away and walks as far away as she can get from Jim. She holds onto a railing.)

SARAH

Wow. I hate you.

JIM
Did I do something wrong?

SARAH

Really, I hate you.

JIM
You don’t even know me.

SARAH
Oh, I know you. You get everything handed to you. Nice watches and chocolate-covered bananas. You live in a really nice condo. All your furniture is either antique or Ikea. All you have to do is take it up the ass every once in awhile.

JIM
Wow. (Jim, shaken, sits back down for a moment and then walks back towards Sarah.) You have no idea. You have no ideas what it’s like. You think it’s all nice? Whenever David is remotely cold to me, I wonder, is this it? Is this when he kicks me out? Because he can. He owns everything. Everything.

SARAH

Then he really is your sugar daddy.

JIM
I love him. I thought he loved me. He fucks around. I’ve tried to get him to stop. I try to make him happy. These fucking bananas aren’t even for me. They’re for him. He loves them. And I paid for them out of my own money.

(Jim sits down. Sarah makes her way over to him.)

SARAH
I’m a jerk. I’m afraid you caught me on a particularly bitter morning. Woke up staring down the barrel of the rest of my life. This isn’t how I thought things would turn out for me. I’ve got the sugar, no daddy. Nice guy, Craig. But I doubt he’ll ever be anyone’s daddy. Unless it’s out of wedlock. And even then, she better have money of her own.

JIM

Sounds like a nice guy.

SARAH

I’m getting what I expected. Never date an artist. Or marry one. That lesson’s been learned, too. I was his sugar daddy. Bastard still owes me $4,000 that I’ll never see. That jerk went from being someone whose entire life I revolved around and now, we don’t even speak. Haven’t seen him in years. If I saw him on the L, I’d probably pretend I didn’t see him and let the moment roll on by. I could use some lucking out. In money and love.

JIM

Sorry to hear all that.

SARAH

Whatever. I’m not here to cry on your shoulder, Jim. Or, I was, then you started crying.

JIM

I’ll survive. Always do. Just haven’t had to worry about it in so long. So, you’re an artist?

SARAH

I’m an actress pushing 40.

JIM

Have I ever seen you in anything?

SARAH

Have you ever seen a play where the ticket price was less than $20?

JIM

Oh, I doubt it.

SARAH

Then you haven’t seen me in anything. Sorry.

JIM

I must seem like a real snob to you.

SARAH

No. You seem like a real normal person to me.

JIM

Do you do a lot of plays?

SARAH

I get cast. I just don’t get paid. And I didn’t plan to have some other skill set to fall back on at 40. There’s no future in what I want to do and I’m not qualified to do anything else, except retail. And waitressing, which kills my feet and gave me carpel tunnel. “Do what you love and the money will follow” is bullshit. Or it’s following way behind me and will catch up to me after I’m dead.

JIM

Look, it’s none of my business, but it’s clear you don’t want this new job. Why put yourself in a situation that will make you unhappy?

SARAH

Can I borrow your phone?

JIM

Here.

(She takes out a scrap of paper and calls)

SARAH

Hi, is Meghan there? Meghan, hi, it’s Sarah. …I’m really sorry. I didn’t plan for construction on the L. …I’ve been waiting for a train for 45 minutes. …Yeah, 45 minutes. You believe it? It’s insane. …Well, as soon as it gets here, I’m only 20 minutes away. …That’s very, very nice of you. I’ll see you as soon as I get there. (Hands phone to Jim) Thanks.

JIM

What will you be selling?

SARAH

My soul, apparently.

(They hear the train coming.)

JIM

Finally.

SARAH

Well, thank fucking God, Brown Line. Thank you for sharing your bananas, Jim.

JIM

Thank you for sharing your company, Sarah. Things will work out for you. I like you.

SARAH

You know what? That’s good to hear. My first day on a new job, and my boyfriend didn’t even wake up to say good-bye to me. I appreciate what you just said. It’s like my mom seeing me off to school, or something. Thank you.

JIM

You’re welcome. Glad I could support the arts.

(Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Eight - “Health Nut"

“Health Nut”
Written by Joe Janes
3/7/09
48 of 365

CAST:
Bill, 40s
Ray, 40s
Counter Girl, 16

(Lights up on Bill and Ray standing in line at a fast food restaurant.)

RAY

Must be hard being a vegetarian.

BILL

No, not really. Even places like this have vegetarian options.

COUNTER GIRL

Welcome to Burger World. What would you like today?

BILL

I’ll have the Veggie Burger with Cheddar-like Cheese and Fake-n and a Vanilla Soy Shake.

COUNTER GIRL

Would you like baked fries or organic carrot sticks with that?

BILL

Ooh, organic carrot sticks.

COUNTER GIRL

That will be $13.75.

BILL

Okay, just a sec –

(Bill starts fishing through his wallet.)

COUNTER GIRL

Can I take your order?

RAY

Sure. I’ll have the gallon bucket of crispy veal nuggets with dippin’ sauce, a jumbo order of curly spicy fries, chocolate shake – make it a small - and a hot fried apple pie dessert treat.

COUNTER GIRL

That’ll be 4.99.

BILL

Can I change my order?

COUNTER GIRL

What would you like?

BILL

Something dead, fried, maybe throw some butter on it.

COUNTER GIRL

4.99.

(Blackout.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Seven - “Exit, Pursued By A Bear”

“Exit, Pursued By A Bear”
Written by Joe Janes
3/6/09
47 of 365

CAST:
Brennan, 20s
Joey, 20s
Bear

(Lights up on Joey walking in to his small apartment. He looks beat. He takes off his backpack and walks over to the kitchen. He looks on the counter. He looks in the fridge. He looks pissed.)

JOEY

Brennan! Brennan! (He walks over to Brennan’s door and knocks on it.) Brennan!

(Brennan opens the door. Brennan is eating a banana.)

JOEY (continuing)

We need to talk.

BRENNAN

Now, dude?

JOEY

Yeah. Now.

(Brennan walks out and sits on the sofa.)

BRENNAN

Well? What’s eating you?

JOEY

I work all day at the Apple Store. I come home. I’m tired. All I want to do is peel off my backpack and eat a banana.

BRENNAN

Oh.

JOEY

“Oh’s” right. No banana.

(A bear sticks his head out of Brennan’s door.)

BRENNAN

My bad, Joey. I didn’t know that was your banana.

JOEY

We’re the only two people who live here. Whose banana would it be?

(The bear walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door.)

BRENNAN

Hey, you know. You buy food. I buy food. It gets confusing. You should write your name on it.

JOEY

I did.

(The bear pulls a beer can out of the fridge. Brennan looks at the banana peel and sees Joey’s name written on it. The bear pops open the beer can.)

BRENNAN

Sorry, man. My bad. I owe you one banana.

JOEY

You owe me more than that. You never buy food. You always eat mine.

(The bear takes a seat in a living room chair and continues to watch them argue.)

BRENNAN

Hey, we’re buddies. This is what buddies do. Share food.

JOEY

We’re not buddies. We’re barely roommates. We’re strangers.

BRENNAN

Your words cut me like a knife.

JOEY

I’m serious, Brennan. All you do is hole up in your cave of a room. The only time I see you is when you come out to forage for food or take a shit. And you don’t talk, you just grunt.

BRENNAN

You want to talk?

JOEY

Yeah. Yeah, I do. That’s what buddies would do.

BRENNAN

Then let’s talk. Buddy.

(Joey sits. There is a long, awkward pause as the bear sips his beer.)

BRENNAN (continuing)

You want to watch TV?

JOEY

That’s not talking.

(Brennan grunts.)

JOEY (continuing)

What did you do today?

BRENNAN

Nothing.

JOEY

How was work?

BRENNAN

Okay.

JOEY

Just “okay”?

BRENNAN

I work at The Gap. It sucked. I don’t want to talk about it.

JOEY

Fine, Let’s see how it makes you feel. I’m going to get some food – (Joey goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and opens the fridge.) Is there anything you did not eat? I’m going to take this beer and this half bag of frozen okra and go to my room and not talk to you the rest of the night, Buddy!

(Joey exits to his room. The bear stands and looks at Brennan. Brennan gives the bear a “what the fuck do you want” look. The bear shakes his head in disappointment. The bear exits to Joey’s room. Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Six - “The Twittysburg Address”

“The Twittysburg Address”
Written by Joe Janes and Abraham Lincoln
3/5/09
46 of 365

CAST:
Abraham Lincoln

(Lights up at Gettysburg. Lincoln approaches a lectern on a bare stage and takes a speech written on paper out of his coat. Above his head and behind him is a screen upon which graphics will appear.)

LINCOLN

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

(A twitter-esque graphic appears on the screen behind him. Graphic: Salmon P. Chase: “Dear Lord, I hope his speech is not as long as he is tall…or ugly.”)

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.

(Graphic: William H. Seward: “Did he say the score was 4 to 7? Who won? Did we win?”)

We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

(Graphic: Augustus Bradford: “One does not wish to sound snarky, but it’s good he didn’t drag along that dog-eared VP Hannibal Hamlin”)

(Graphic: Horatio Seymour: “Could be worse. He could have brought his wife.”)

(Graphic: Augustus Bradford: “T’would be a wash. Hamlin is just Mary Todd in drag.”)

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate -- we cannot consecrate -- we cannot hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

(GRAPHIC: Gideon Welles: “Honest Abe? More like ‘Honest-ly, Abe’ spake with a tone of exasperation.”)

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “This is one of the greatest moments in history!”)

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “I think he’s wrapping up.”)

We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

(He finishes. Solemn applause. He exits.)

(GRAPHIC: Senator Thaddeus Stevens: “Anyone up for hookers and baked goose?”)

(Blackout.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Five - "Puzzle Night, Part 3"

“Puzzle Night, Part 3”
Written by Joe Janes
3/4/09
45 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s


(Lights up on Marta, Chip and Vernon in bed. Chip in the middle. If possible, the blanket they are under has jigsaw pieces littered all over it. There is a “tent” made from Marta still wearing her strap-on. Chip looks exhausted, but elated.)

CHIP

That was amazing. That was like making love to a Hallmark card. And The Reader’s Digest. And a mound of scalloped potatoes. All rolled in to one.

VERNON

Fun being a grown-up, ay, Champ?

CHIP

It sure is, Vernon.

MARTA

We did stuff they don’t teach you in college.

CHIP

Boy, is that the truth. Still, I’d really like it if my parents didn’t find out about this.

VERNON

I think your pop would be proud, Chip.

MARTA

I know he would be. So would your mother.

CHIP

Nevertheless, I still think I’d rather this be our little secret.

VERNON

Wasn’t nothing little about it (indicating Marta’s tent.)

MARTA

Our secret. Your parents already know.

CHIP

H-how?

VERNON (pointing downstage)

Who do you think’s on the other end of that web camera?

MARTA

Everybody wave.

(They do. Even Chip, hesitantly mouthing “Hi, Mom.” Lights fade.)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Four - "Puzzle Night, Part 2"

“Puzzle Night, Part 2”
Written by Joe Janes
3/3/09
44 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)

MARTA

Let me take that for you, Chip.

CHIP

Thanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.

MARTA (taking dish)

Oh, call me Marta.

CHIP

That’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.

VERNON

There you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.

CHIP

Okay…Vernon.

MARTA

I’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.

(She exits.)

CHIP

O-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-

VERNON

6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.

CHIP

I’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.

VERNON

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

CHIP

Guess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.

VERNON

It’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?

CHIP

Yeah. I think so.

VERNON

Marta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife.

CHIP

Okay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –

(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)

MARTA

What’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller –

MARTA

Marta.

CHIP

Mrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry.

MARTA

Oh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.

VERNON

Hay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn.

MARTA

Just ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.

VERNON

Hey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.

CHIP

Well, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me.

(Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)

MARTA

We could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.

(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)

CHIP

Oh, look, I found the emperor's cervix.

(Lights out)

Week Seven, Day Forty-Three - "Puzzle Night, Part 1"

“Puzzle Night, Part 1”
Written by Joe Janes
3/2/09
43 of 365

CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s

(Lights up on Marta and Vernon sitting at a card table working on a large jigsaw puzzle. Chip enters looking a little sweaty from yard work.)

CHIP

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON (looking out window)

Good job, Chip. Way to bang it out.

MARTA

I’m so glad you were able to fit us in on your break from school.

CHIP

Oh, no problem. Can always use the extra money.

VERNON (slyly slipping Chip twenty dollars)

C’mon in and take a load off.

MARTA

I’ll go get some lemonade.

(She exits.)

CHIP

I don’t want to impose.

VERNON

Oh, nonsense. Even a strapping young man like you needs to put his feet up once in awhile. How’s school? How’s the girls? Getting any poon-tang? (He winks.)

CHIP

Oh, Mr. Moosemiller, you’re embarrassing me.

VERNON

Get it while you can, Chip. Get it while you can.

MARTA (entering with tray)

Oh, stop bothering the boy, Vernon.

CHIP

It’s okay, Mrs. Moosemiller.

VERNON

Just busting the boy’s chops a bit, Marta.

(Marta pours Chip some lemonade.)

MARTA

You must be spending all your time with your girlfriends, a handsome young man like you. Very sweet of you to spend some time with two old fogies.

CHIP

I don’t mind at all. You two are like grandparents to me,

MARTA

Isn’t that sweet, Vernon?

VERNON

Hey, Chip. Why don’t you stick around and join us for dinner? Marta’s banging out her famous scalloped potatoes.

CHIP

That’s what I smell. (Sips some lemonade) This tastes funny.

MARTA

Probably the whiskey.

CHIP

Whiskey?

VERNON

You’re a big boy, now.

MARTA

Puts hair on your chest.

VERNON

Marta should know.

MARTA

Oh, Vernon.

(They laugh. Chip shrugs and keeps sipping.)

MARTA

Oh, and after dinner you can help us with our new puzzle.

VERNON

Oh, it’s a doozy. Over a thousand pieces.

MARTA

It’s historical. A palace from the Roman Empire.

VERNON (referring to the box lid)

Yep. Caligula.

(Chip looks at the puzzle.)

CHIP

It looks like –

MARTA

It is! A roman orgy.

CHIP

Is that a horse? On top of a woman?

MARTA

It is. I’m still missing a piece, though.

(Chip picks up a piece. He holds it with a little disgust.)

CHIP

Here it is.

VERNON

Good eye, Son. We’ll have this banged out in no time!

(Marta puts the piece in place. Lights out.)