Week 33, Day 230 - “By Any Other Name"

“By Any Other Name”

Written by Joe Janes

9/5/09

230 of 365

Cast

Melissa, 30s

Joe, 30s

(Lights up on Joe and Melissa sitting in their living room. Joe is reading a book. Melissa is flipping through a magazine. Joe looks up. He’s about to speak to Melissa, but hesitates. He goes back to reading. He stops and looks at her quizzically. She feels his eyes on her and looks up.)

MELISSA

What?

JOE

Your name is Melissa.

MELISSA

Yep. It is.

JOE

I hardly ever call you that.

MELISSA

Sure you do.

JOE

No. I don’t.

MELISSA

You’ve said my name before.

JOE

Only when I have to. Like, in introductions. I’m just saying, I never say it in conversation with you. What do I say when I call you at work?

MELISSA

“Hey.”

JOE

I say “Hey.”

MELISSA

I know it’s you.

JOE

What did you say earlier when I walked in the door?

MELISSA

I said, “Hey.” Oh my God, I do it, too.

JOE

We have names.

MELISSA

We sure do. Why don’t we use them? We don’t even use pet names.

JOE

We say “honey.” Does “honey” count as a pet name?

MELISSA

No, that counts as a warning that one of us is about to condescend to the other. (Joe looks at her puzzled and then demonstrates…) Honey.

JOE

Wow – you’re right. That’s not a term of endearment at all.

MELISSA

It’s a term of asshole.

JOE

Well, I like your name. I’m going to use it more often. (Pause) Melissa.

MELISSA

Me, too. (Pause) Joe.

JOE

Melissa - Joe, Joe – Melissa.

MELISSA

How do you do, Joe?

JOE

I am fine, Melissa. It is lovely to meet you. Melissa.

MELISSA

The feeling is mutual, Joe. I like this. That sounds much better.

JOE

It’s like we’re people.

MELISSA

Yah. We’re somebody. Somebodies.

(They return to their reading, briefly.)

JOE

You have more syllables than I do.

MELISSA

I could call you Joseph.

JOE

You’d still have one more.

MELISSA

It’s just a name.

JOE

It’s just a name.

(They go back to reading.)

JOE

Hey – (Catches himself) Melissa. Can I call you Mel?

MELISSA

No.

(Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 229 - “A Fly On The Wall”

“A Fly On The Wall”

Written by Joe Janes

9/4/09

229 of 365

CAST

Mark, 40s

Fly, one week

Nancy, 40s

(Lights up on Mark. He is pacing quickly back and forth at a street corner. He hears the buzzing of a fly and swishes his hand around to drive it away. It works, but it comes back. He swishes his hand around again and the fly goes away. Mark stops and looks at his watch. The buzzing is heard again. This time the buzzing stops abruptly when the fly stops on his forearm. Mark is about to swat it, when…)

FLY (VO)

Hey, don’t do that!

MARK

What the hell? Did you just talk?

FLY (VO)

Yeah, man. Don’t smack me. I’m just a fly.

MARK

I’m sorry. I’m just so worked up. The last thing I need is a fly bothering me.

FLY (VO)

What’s up? Maybe I can help?

MARK

I doubt it. I think my wife is cheating on me.

FLY (VO)

Why do you think she’s cheating on you?

MARK

She just kicked me out of the house so she could have a few hours to herself. Right.

FLY (VO)

Sometimes people need that.

MARK

Sure they do, but nobody actually does it. Nobody kicks their spouse out of the house to do it. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in my own house.

FLY (VO)

I can arrange that.

(Lights suddenly shift and we hear a “poof” sound. Mark transforms into a fly and begins buzzing and fluttering his wings. Fly is now standing next to him.)

MARK

This is cool! I’m a fly like you.

FLY

Same size and everything. Let’s go spy on that ho of yours.

(Lights off on them as they fly off. Lights up on Nancy sitting and reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” She hears two flies buzzing. She walks over and closes the window and then returns to her chair and her book. The buzzing sounds stop as the flies land on the wall.)

FLY (VO)

There she is. Reading.

MARK (VO)

I was worried about nothing. She really did just want to be alone. Look at her. She’s so pretty. I can’t wait to tell her how much I love her.

(We hear buzzing as Mark flies from the wall.)

FLY (VO)

No, man, get back here. Don’t disturb her.

(The buzzing stops abruptly as Mark lands on her open book.)

MARK (VO)

Nancy, I-

(Nancy screams and slams the book shut. She slowly opens the book to look at the smushed remains. There’s a short buzz and she slams the book shut, again. It’s too gross for her. She throws the book into a trashcan and walks off.)

FLY (VO – sighs)

I try to help humans. I really should just stick to pooping on their food.

(Blackout)

Week 33, Day 228 - “Bouncer”

“Bouncer”

Written by Joe Janes

9/3/09

228 of 365

Cast

Jimmy, 30s

Howard, 30s

Peter, 30s

(Lights up on Jimmy, a strong, beefy guy, sitting on a bar stool. The door next to him opens and Howard comes through, wearing a jacket and carrying a backpack.)

JIMMY

Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

Who are you?

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

My apartment building doesn’t have a doorman.

JIMMY

New service. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

I’m not giving you twenty dollars.

JIMMY

Then you don’t get to enter.

HOWARD

Enter the outside?

JIMMY

That is correct. Twenty bucks or back out you go into your apartment.

HOWARD

I’m not going to let you rob me out of twenty bucks, especially when I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee and sit and write.

JIMMY

How much is the coffee?

HOWARD

Two dollars.

JIMMY

Refills?

HOWARD

Another buck.

JIMMY

Three bucks. Muffin or scone?

HOWARD

Blueberry scone. $2.75. They are so good.

JIMMY

Add tax; let’s round up to six bucks. Plus a dollar tip.

HOWARD

A dollar?

JIMMY

Fucking A, a dollar. So, your little inexpensive trip to the coffee shop to write, both of which you could do at home, is now at seven dollars.

HOWARD

I’m out of coffee.

JIMMY

You have tea?

HOWARD

I have tea.

JIMMY

It’s better for you. Write while you sip tea.

HOWARD

I’m really a coffee guy when it comes to writing.

JIMMY

What are you writing?

HOWARD

A comedy sketch.

JIMMY

Hmmm.

HOWARD

You have a problem with that?

JIMMY

No, no. Not at all. I’m sure your little skits are worth every penny. Anything in between here and the coffee joint?

HOWARD

Grocery store.

JIMMY

Stopping by?

HOWARD

No. Yes. I usually do. It’s right on the way. Something for dinner, cat food, and I do the self-checkout so I can get cash back with my debit card.

JIMMY

You don’t have to use the self-checkout for that. You can use a cashier for that.

HOWARD

I don’t like to. I feel like I have to tell them what I need the money for. It’s a thing.

JIMMY

Okay, champ, add cat food, something for dinner and some miscellaneous-

HOWARD

Miscellaneous?

JIMMY

You know, you get there and realize you need mints or croutons or cotton swabs.

HOWARD

I need all those things.

JIMMY

And how much cash back?

HOWARD

I usually get a hundred so I don’t have to do it again right away although I’m usually back two days later.

JIMMY

Okay, then, that little nugget of comedy gold that you’re going to create is going to cost you today somewhere around one hundred and fifty dineros.

HOWARD

Guess I never stopped to think about it.

JIMMY

Maybe you should.

HOWARD

I don’t think dineros is a word.

JIMMY

So, you can pay me twenty bucks on top of all that or you can go back inside, make yourself some tea and write your little funny ha-has in your living room.

HOWARD

That would save me quite a bit of money.

JIMMY

Now, if you happen to be going somewhere that will make you significantly more moola than a twenty-dollar cover, then come back out.

HOWARD

What if I need to do laundry?

JIMMY

Use the bathtub.

HOWARD

Right. Right, Good call-

JIMMY

Jimmy.

HOWARD

Howard.

JIMMY

I know.

(Peter opens his apartment door and tries to sneak by Jimmy. Jimmy clears his throat.)

PETER

Jimmy, didn’t see you there.

JIMMY

Twenty bucks, Peter.

PETER

Jimmy, I was just going to run to the 7-11 for a quick something to drink. Bringing it right back here. Maybe a Slushee. Or a big coke. Or a Slushee Coke. Can I bring you back anything?

JIMMY

No, thanks. I’ll just take my twenty bucks.

(Pause)

PETER (slaps forehead)

What was I thinking? I have water. Plenty of refreshing tap water.

JIMMY

Add a few thin slices of cucumber and serve it chilled.

PETER

Great idea. Catch you later, Jimmy. Hey, Howard.

HOWARD

Hey, Peter.

PETER

This guy! (Points to Jimmy as he walks back to his apartment.) Love this guy. (He turns, sighs, and goes back into his apartment.)

HOWARD

Thanks for helping me save some money, Jimmy.

JIMMY

It’s what I’m here for. If you’re going to piss away money, you may as well just hand it off to me as you walk out the door.

HOWARD

That was subtle.

(Jimmy shrugs. Howard enters his apartment. Pause. Howard comes back out and hands Jimmy a twenty.)

HOWARD

Fuck it. I need coffee. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Jimmy!

(He exits.)

JIMMY

Subtlety is not part of my job.

(Jimmy takes a big wad of cash out of his pocket and wraps the twenty around it. Lights fade.)

Week 33, Day 227 - “I Love 2 Boogie”

“I Love 2 Boogie”

Written by Joe Janes

9/2/09

227 of 365

CAST

Nat, 30s

Keisha, 30s

Jesse, 50s

Suzy, 20s

Donald Trump, 60s

(Lights up on Nat sitting at a table in a bar. Off to the side is Jesse, the bartender. Suzie the server is at the jukebox, flipping through CDs. Nat looks worried. He leans into his drink. Keisha enters.)

NAT (standing)

Keisha.

(Keisha looks around and delicately steps towards Nat.)

KEISHA

Hello, Nat.

NAT

Thanks for meeting me.

(Keisha takes a pair of sunglasses out of her purse and hands them to Nat.)

KEISHA

Here are your prescription sunglasses.

NAT

Thanks. I’ve been looking for them all week.

KEISHA

Interesting how I happened to find them on my kitchen counter this morning when I’m quite sure they weren’t there yesterday.

NAT

Blue car.

KEISHA

What?

NAT

You know, you buy a blue car and then all of sudden you see blue cars all over the place. You probably didn’t see the sunglasses because you weren’t looking for them until I asked you to.

KEISHA

Right. Okay. I’ll be on my way-

NAT

Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA

I need to get back to work.

NAT

I just think you’re calling this too soon.

KEISHA

Nat. I told you, I know what I’m looking for.

NAT

And I’m not it.

(Keisha shrugs.)

KEISHA

I feel like I gave you a chance.

NAT

We only went out three times.

KEISHA

Which is plenty of times to see if I want to go out on a fourth. Really, Nat, what could I find out about you on a fourth date that I don’t already know?

NAT

I’m rich.

KEISHA (skeptical)

You’re rich?

NAT

Independently wealthy.

KEISHA

I paid for dinner last time.

NAT

They didn’t take credit cards. I should have had my secretary check. Who doesn’t take credit cards any more?

KEISHA

I find it a little bit difficult to believe you’re independently wealthy.

JESSE

Oh, he’s rich. Owns most of this block. Including Trump Tower.

KEISHA

I thought Donald Trump owned Trump Tower.

NAT

I own Donald Trump. Bought him ten years ago. He does my laundry.

KEISHA

Okay. You own Donald Trump. Money isn’t everything. I’m doing fine for myself.

NAT

I’m the world’s greatest lover.

KEISHA

You drool when you kiss.

NAT

It takes me awhile, but my lips will adapt to what you most want them to do. They just do it. I don’t even try. We should have it down in about fourteen more lip locks.

JESSE

No need to take his word for it. Suzy?

SUZY

Nat is an enthusiastic and generous lover.

JESSE

The ladies call him The Hunchback.

SUZY

Because his bells are well hung.

(Jesse grabs Suzy and humps against her.)

JESSE

The bells! The bells! The bells!

SUZY

Oh! Oh! Oh!

JESSE (breaking off)

Of course, I pale in comparison.

(Keisha looks at Nat.)

NAT (sheepishly)

I have a reputation.

KEISHA

You’re all of a sudden rich and good in the sack.

NAT

“Great” in the sack, apparently.

KEISHA

I’m going to have to think about this.

(Keisha gets up and walks off. She gets as far as the door.)

NAT (standing)

Wait!

(She stops.)

NAT (continuing)

There’s one more thing I have to tell you about me.

(She turns.)

NAT (continuing)

I love to boogie.

(Suzy smacks the jukebox. A boogie tune starts playing. Nat dances towards Keisha, takes her by the hand and has his way with her “dance-wise.” They end with a flourish. She grabs him and kisses him for a long, enthusiastic tongue wrassle. They stop. She smiles and wipes off her mouth.)

KEISHA

Thirteen more to go!

(They kiss again. Jesse and Suzy cheer. Donald Trump enters with a laundry basket filled with clean, folded clothes. He drops them near Nat, shakes his head and walks off. Blackout.)

Week 33, Day 226 - “Boris vs. Nature”

“Boris vs. Nature”

Written by Joe Janes

9/1/09

226 of 365

CAST

Boris, 30s

Sophia, 30s

Barbra, 12

Griffin, 60s

Geoff, 20s

Keely, 20s

(Lights up on Boris, a man in his 30s wearing shorts, sandals and a crumpled polo shirt. He is simply standing and staring, intently, on a very fixed point in the direction of the audience.)

SOPHIA (off)

Boris!

(Sophia enters. She is also in her 30s. She is Boris’s wife and is similarly dressed as he. She drags along Barbra, 12, who has a balloon preferably shaped like a zoo animal’s head.)

SOPHIA (continuing)

There you are. Boris, I think we’re ready to go.

BARBARA

Let’s go, Daddy.

(Pause)

SOPHIA

Boris? Did you hear me?

BORIS (still staring)

I heard you, Sophia.

SOPHIA

Well?

BORIS

I can’t leave just now.

BARBRA

Daddy, we already saw the giraffes.

BORIS

I know, Barbra.

BARBRA

Then why are you still here?

BORIS

Because that one keeps staring at me.

SOPHIA

Are you dehydrated? I told you to hydrate at lunch.

BORIS (never breaking his stare)

I’m hydrated. I was just standing here watching him eat some leaves off the top of that tree. Then he stopped, as if he could feel me watching him, and then he just turned his head and stared back.

SOPHIA

Oh, my God. He is staring at you.

BORIS

I know.

SOPHIA

How long as this been going on?

(Griffin, an old retired man, walks up to look at the giraffes. He begins to notice that something is off.)

BORIS

I don’t know. Twenty minutes? I haven’t looked at my watch. I just keep looking back.

BARBRA

Why?

BORIS

Why? I don’t know why? Ask him. He started it.

BARBRA

Hey, giraffe! Why are you staring at my daddy?

SOPHIA

Honey, shush. You’ll get us in trouble.

GRIFFIN

I’ll be damned. That giraffe is staring at you.

BORIS

I know.

GRIFFIN

I come here every day. I’ve never seen anything like that.

BORIS

I think he’s challenging me.

SOPHIA

He’s not challenging you, Boris. He’s just a dumb animal.

BORIS

That’s just it. Maybe he doesn’t think he is. Maybe he thinks he’s better than me.

GRIFFIN

Better than a human? Stare that bastard down, young man.

BORIS

I intend to do just that, Sir.

GRIFFIN

Call me Griffin. Retired Major, US Army. I fought in the Great War.

BORIS

World War II?

GRIFFIN

Grenada. October, 1983.

SOPHIA

Thank you for defending our freedom.

GRIFFIN

My pleasure, ma’am. (To Boris) I’ve got you covered, in case that giraffe gets out of hand. (He pats his jacket breast pocket and nods.)

BORIS

Thanks, Griffin.

GRIFFIN

It’s an honor.

(Pause – everyone is staring at the giraffe, now.)

SOPHIA

How long do you expect this to go on, Boris?

BORIS

As long as it takes. I’m not backing down.

(Pause as they all continue to stare. Barbra starts to get antsy.)

BARBRA

Mom, I have to pee.

SOPHIA

Use your big girl bladder.

BARBRA

I am and my big girl bladder is full.

SOPHIA

Okay. Fine. Let’s find a bathroom.

(Sophia rushes off with Barbra. Griffin and Boris still stare out.)

GRIFFIN

Damn.

BORIS

What?

GRIFFIN

Now, my big girl bladder is full. (He starts to exit.) You gonna be all right?

BORIS

I’m a rock.

GRIFFIN

If I don’t make it back, I want you to know, I’m proud of you, Son.

(He salutes Boris and exits. Boris continues standing. Lights fade. Lights come back up on another part of the stage on Geoff. He stands looking out, staring. Keely enters.)

KEELY

You’re still here, Geoff?

GEOFF

That asshole human won’t stop staring at me. Who does he think he is?

KEELY

Asshole human. Leaf? (Hands Geoff a leaf.)

GEOFF

Thanks. (Geoff takes the leaf and chews on it while he continues to stare.) Asshole human.

(Lights fade.)

Week 33, Day 225 - "Enough Rope"

“Enough Rope”

Written by Joe Janes

8/31/09

225 of 365

CAST

Crystal, 20s

Steve, 20s

Chandra, 20s

(Lights up on Crystal. She sits in her garden apartment living room in the dark looking very depressed. We can see the light from her phone as she checks it once or twice to see if anyone has texted her. They have not. The doorbell rings. She gets up and stands very still, waiting to hear if it really rang. It did and it does, again. She turns on the light from a wall switch revealing the sofa and floor littered with used tissues. She wears all black and wears heavy dark mascara. The doorbell rings, again.)

CRYSTAL

(Loudly) Just a… (Corrected to a softer tone) Just a second.

(She checks her look in a wall mirror. She quickly adds some lines of mascara, giving her more of a crying raccoon look. She goes to the door.)

CRYSTAL (weakly)

Who is it?

STEVE (through door)

It’s Steve.

(She collapses a little against the door, relieved that it is he. She unlocks the door and rushes back to the sofa where she throws herself into a melancholy pose.)

CRYSTAL

It’s open.

(Steve enters. He is a bright, nice looking guy. He carries a backpack over one shoulder.)

STEVE

Hi, Crystal.

CRYSTAL

Hello, Steve.

STEVE

You alone?

CRYSTAL

Chandra’s in her room studying for a mid-term.

(Pause)

STEVE

I got the note you left on my car. And the headless teddy bear you put in my mailbox. And I got your text. Well, texts. All of them. Even the last one.

CRYSTAL

My suicide text?

STEVE

Yah, your suicide text.

CRYSTAL

I can’t live without you, Steve.

STEVE

I can see that.

CRYSTAL

How can you throw our love away like this?

STEVE

I guess I felt like you were pressuring me to commit to a relationship with you. Two weeks of going out together may seem like a long time, Crystal, but-

CRYSTAL

I can’t help what my heart feels, Steve. And what if feels right now is… mutilated.

STEVE

I know, I know. (He sits down on the sofa.) Crystal, I hate seeing you like this. I’m sorry I broke your heart.

CRYSTAL

Mutilated.

STEVE

Mutilated your heart. I’m really sorry.

CRYSTAL

I was just about to take a warm bath.

STEVE

That sounds relaxing.

CRYSTAL

And slit my wrists. Would you do me a favor?

STEVE

Anything.

CRYSTAL

Could you run to the store and get me razor blades? The old-fashioned kind. All I have are Daisy leg shavers.

STEVE

Crystal. I brought you a gift.

CRYSTAL

You did?

STEVE

I think it will change your mind about razor blades.

CRYSTAL (cheering up)

What did you get me? A new teddy bear?

STEVE (reaching into his bag)

Even better. Rope.

(He pulls out a coil of rope with a noose on one end.)

CRYSTAL

Rope?

STEVE

The real sturdy kind. I figured you didn’t have any and using a belt or bathrobe sash is so unreliable. Plus, with rope, you can make a really cool noose, like this.

CRYSTAL

That’s thoughtful.

STEVE

And, the best part, no mess.

CRYSTAL

Guess I didn’t think about the clean up.

STEVE

This water pipe out to hold you. (He throws the rope over a pipe in the ceiling.)

CRYSTAL

Thanks.

STEVE

Now, I read on Wikipedia, that to really get the job done, you want to leave a little slack in the loop. (He grabs one of her chairs and puts it under the pipe.) That way, when you kick the chair out from under yourself, you’ll get a little jerk that will snap your neck as well as strangle you.

CRYSTAL

I appreciate you going to all the trouble. I kind of had my heart set on the razor blades though.

STEVE

That’s pretty slow, compared to this.

CRYSTAL

I really like red. And I think it would look more dramatic than a Crystal piñata.

STEVE

Hey, your death.

CRYSTAL (picking up her purse)

Would you mind running to the 7-11 for me?

STEVE

Sure thing. I’ve got it. Need anything else while I’m there? Cotton balls? Fabric softener? Porn?

CRYSTAL

No. I’m good.

(Steve puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her a quick nod.)

STEVE

Be back in a sec.

(Steve exits. Crystal takes some make-up wipes out of her purse and wipes off her face. Chandra walks in carrying a six-pack of cheap canned beer.)

CHANDRA

Hey, you turned the lights on. That’s cool (indicating rope). Was Steve here?

CRYSTAL

Yes.

CHANDRA

You kids getting back together?

CRYSTAL (sitting)

No. Not at all. I never want to see him at all. Ever.

CHANDRA

That’s the spirit. (Chandra sits next to her) Want to get drunk and watch mixed martial arts?

CRYSTAL

More than anything.

(They hug.)

CHANDRA (points to rope.)

Let’s keep that. Maybe we can stick a flowerpot in it.

(Lights fade as they pop open their beers.)