Week 50, Day 350 - "Blockbusted"

“Blockbusted”

Written by Joe Janes

1/3/10

350 of 365

Cast:

Blockbuster Manager. 30s

Joe, 20s

(Lights up on manager and Joe in office. The manager is looking over paper work.)

MANAGER

Well, Joe, we’ve processed all your information. We’re very excited that you applied to work for Blockbuster.

JOE

Just happy to have a job, Sir. When do I start?

MANAGER

Unfortunately, there’s a problem with your drug test.

JOE

I don’t do drugs.

MANAGER

That’s the problem. (Takes out a joint.) If you’re going to work crap hours at shit pay, we need people who are as stoned as possible. (Lights it and takes a toke.) Sorry. (Offers it to Joe. Joe shakes his head.)

(Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 349 - "Much To Do"

“Much To Do”

Written by Joe Janes

1/2/10

349 of 365

CAST:
Carl, 30s

Donna, 30s

(Lights up on Carl sitting at a table sipping coffee and writing the final item of a list. He looks satisfied. Donna enters in her bathrobe and pours herself a cup of coffee.)

DONNA

You’re up early.

CARL

Yep. I’m tired of pissing my days away. I have a lot of stuff I need to do at work and around the house, so I got up early and made a list. Here’s all the stuff I need to do and when I need to do it.

DONNA

You made a “to do” list?

CARL

That’s a good name for it. I like it. I’m going to steal that.

(He writes “to do” at the top of his list.)

DONNA

That’s what they’re called.

CARL

Then I have made a “to do” list.

(Pause.)

DONNA

Why aren’t you “to do”-ing things?

CARL

My “to do” list officially starts tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to fuck off.

DONNA

Make sure you right that down.

(He does. Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 348 - "Farewell To Monster Island"

“Farewell To Monster Island”

Written by Joe Janes

1/1/10

348 of 356

CAST

Aja, 20s

Bobby/Monster, 60s

Sonny, 40s

Toledo, 30s

(Lights up on Aja, a young woman screaming as she runs through the audience to the stage. Once on stage, she trips over absolutely nothing. She doesn’t appear hurt, but she continues to scream and stay down, pushing herself on her back a little bit at a time. From the back of the theater we hear a roar. It is a man in a monster suit, something akin to a gorilla suit with a different head, like a space helmet. He slowly lumbers through the audience. He roars, she screams, until he finally reaches the stage. Once on stage, he holds up his hand and bends over as he catches his breath. She waits patiently. He nods, she screams and he roars. He finally looms over her, slowly reaching out to grab her throat with both of his monster hands. He almost gets them around her neck when…)

SONNY (off)

Cut!

(The monster keeps roaring.)

SONNY (entering with Toledo)

Cut, Bobby, cut!

BOBBY

Oh.

(Bobby, the monster, stops.)

SONNY

Let’s print that.

TOLEDO

Checking the gate.

SONNY

Checking the gate!

TOLEDO

We’re good. Let’s print it.

SONNY

Let’s print it!

AJA

Was that good, Sonny?

SONNY

Aja, baby. You rocked it. You rocked it hard. Didn’t she, Toledo?

TOLEDO (mumbling)

Who gives a rat’s ass?

SONNY

Didn’t she Bobby?

BOBBY

Sure.

SONNY

Take off your helmet, Bobby. We can hardly hear you.

(Bobby does, revealing he’s an older man with gray hair.)

BOBBY

You were one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of ravaging.

AJA

Thanks.

SONNY

Hey, everybody, that’s a wrap! (To Toledo) That’s a wrap, right?

TOLEDO

Better be.

SONNY (yelling to the unseen crew)

That’s a wrap! The producer has sprung for a round of drinks and a pizza at Millie’s Tavern. We’ve got the back room until their dart tournament. See you all there.

AJA

Thanks for the break, Sonny.

SONNY

Aja, thank you. It was an honor to work with you. You will really light up the screen.

TOLEDO

This is direct-to-DVD.

SONNY

The small screen. You will leap from it. People will call the police because you broke into their homes and stole their hearts.

AJA

I don’t want to get into any trouble.

TOLEDO

Too late for that. I’ll give you a lift to the bar, Aja.

AJA

Thanks, Toledo.

(They walk off.)

AJA

Do you think I’ll get any awards?

TOLEDO

Oh, sure. I smell a Golden Globe.

AJA

What do those smell like?

TOLEDO (off stage and slightly mumbled)

Pussy.

BOBBY

You really think we did a good one, here, Sonny?

SONNY

Yeah, sure. Best “Attack of the Morgue Monster” ever.

BOBBY

Better than three?

SONNY

Better than three, nine and thirteen all rolled together.

BOBBY

They did that for fourteen.

SONNY

Which sucked royally and put us back in business for part fifteen.

BOBBY

Good to be working again. Especially in the role I originated, you know. Nobody wanted to do it. Believe that? Nobody wanted to be the Morgue Monster. But I jumped at the chance. I knew I could bring some humanity to the role, like Karloff did with Frankenstein’s creature. It’s all in the eyes.

SONNY

You wear a helmet.

BOBBY

The camera sees everything. And what it doesn’t see, it feels. Sometimes when you do a close-up of me, I’m shedding tears.

SONNY

Me, too, Bobby. Me, too. Let me help you get out of that thing.

BOBBY

Thanks. So, when do we start on part sixteen?

SONNY

We already have a script and are in pre-production.

BOBBY

The biz sure moves fast, don’t it?

SONNY

Well, when the studio smells money, they want to snort it for all its worth. They just don’t want to share very much of it.

BOBBY

When do we start shooting?

SONNY

Bobby, there’s something I need to tell you.

BOBBY

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here it comes. They think I’m too old, don’t they? They want some young punk to take over. I originated this role. I’ve been doing it for twenty years. The fans won’t stand for it.

SONNY

They didn’t hire anybody new.

BOBBY

Jesus, why’d you scare the crap out of me like that?

SONNY

They’re going to go all CGI with it.

BOBBY

Union?

SONNY

No. CGI. Computer generated images. In the next installment, the morgue monster gets pelted with radiation from an atomic blast and becomes a mutant giant. Rather than deal with a guy in a suit and building sets in forced perspectives, they decided it would be cheaper to just make the Morgue Monster animated.

BOBBY

Replaced by a cartoon.

SONNY

It sucks. I know.

BOBBY

Hey, they’ll still need me to roar, right? No one roars like the Morgue Monster except for me.

SONNY (taking out a flask)

Bobby, we have twenty years of Morgue Monster roars in a digital library. I don’t think they’ll need you.

(Sonny takes a swig from the flask and hands it to Bobby. Bobby tries to take a sip, but its empty.)

BOBBY

You’re on empty.

SONNY

Oh. Sorry about that. Hey, at Millie’s, whatever you want for as long as you want it. It’s on me. Until the dart tourney.

BOBBY

Guess it’s time to be part of history and fade into conventions and memorabilia.

(Bobby takes his helmet and suit and starts to walk off.)

BOBBY (continuing)

Hey, can I keep this?

SONNY

Uh… probably not. But if it turns up missing, I’ll say some kids broke into the costume shop and made off with it. Just don’t put it on eBay right away.

BOBBY

It’s been good to work with such a professional, Sonny. The first six directors the series had were okay. But you could tell their hearts weren’t in it. You care.

(Bobby comes back and shakes Sonny’s hand.)

SONNY

The honor has been all mine, Bobby. In all the films we did together, you were never a diva. Always on time. Always willing to put in the extra hours. Always willing to jump into a cold, dirty swimming pool and wrestle a zombie shark.

BOBBY

I thought the shark was going to be fake.

SONNY

Studio figured it was cheaper just to put make up on the shark. Until they got the hospital bill from the make-up artist. You did okay, though. Good thing that suit is bite proof.

BOBBY

I got malaria from that.

SONNY

And never complained.

BOBBY

I threw up in my helmet.

SONNY

You deserve every accolade the Morgue Monster gets. If they ever did a Mount Rushmore of famous monsters, you’d be up there with the Wolf-Man, Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster. Hey, Bobbby, one last time, without the helmet.

(Bobby roars at Sonny. Bobby exits. Sonny wipes a tear from his eye. Lights fade.)

Week 50, Day 347 - "Dining In Hell"

“Dining In Hell”

Written by Joe Janes

12/31/09

347 of 365

Cast,

King Leonidas, 30s

Maître de, 40s

Jose, 20s

(Lights up on ready-for-action King Leonidas addressing the other Spartans – the audience,)

KING LEONIDAS

Spartans! Prepare for glory! For tonight, we dine in hell!

(He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. The nicely dressed maître de enters.)

MATRE DE

And do you have a reservation?

KING LEONIDAS (looking over podium)

Uh…King Leonidas. There we are.

MATRE DE

Ah, yes. I see. Party of 300. Is everyone here?

KING LEONIDAS

Yes! We are all here and ready to dine in hell!!!

MATRE DE

We’ll have to put a few tables together. It will take a few minutes. (The maître de snaps his fingers. Jose comes out in a vest and black pants. The maître de whispers to him. Jose nods and walks off. Leonidas just stands there, not sure what to do with himself.)

KING LEONIDAS

Will this take long?

MATRE DE

Just a few minutes. Hell is very busy this evening. I’m surprised you were able to find parking.

KING LEONIDAS

We marched here on foot. From Sparta.

MATRE DE

I see. Good weather for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Yes. It was very pleasant.

(Pause.)

MATRE DE

Would you like to look at a menu while you wait?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure.

(The maître de hands him a menu and he looks at it.)

KING LEONIDAS

Do you have any specials?

MATRE DE (confidentially)

Nothing I would recommend. Stick to the pasta dishes. Can’t go wrong with them. And save room for the bread pudding. Heavenly, but you didn’t hear that from me.

(Jose comes out and whispers in the maître de’s ear. The maître de looks disappointed, whispers back in Jose’s ear. Jose whispers back, angrily.)

KING LEONIDAS

Is there a problem?

MATRE DE

No problem. Pardon me for a moment.

(The maître de produces a trident from his suit jacket and pulls Jose aside. He beats Jose with the trident.)

MATRE DE (working himself into a frenzy)

Insolent ignorant lowlife drone! If there aren’t enough clean glasses for water for 300, wash some more. If there aren’t enough, use the pint glasses! Do I have to think of everything, Mommy? Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (Hugs Jose as he calms himself down.) Now, go. (Jose exits.) I’m afraid it will be just a little longer. I’m very sorry.

KING LEONIDAS

Well, you know. We’re anxious to eat. We have a big battle we don’t want to be late for.

MATRE DE (Handing him a beeper)

Here’s a pager. As soon as your table is ready, we’ll buzz you. I’ll go help get your table set to expedite things. And I’m going to go ahead and order you some appetizers. On the house. Chicken wings and mushroom caps, okay?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure. Oh, wait. Daxos is a vegetarian. (The maître de looks at him quizzically) I know. And he’s a real pain in the ass about it.

MATRE DE

I’ll ask the chef to make some tofu thing. We may have to charge you for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Sure, sure. Happens everywhere we go.

(The maître de exits. Pause.)

KING LEONIDAS

Soon, Spartans. We shall dine in hell. With garlic bread and stuffed mushroom cap appetizers. And some disgusting tofu thing for Daxos. I think I’m going to try the risotto. (The pager goes off) And make sure you save room for bread pudding! (He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 346 - "Fuck You, Harry Chapin"

“Fuck You, Harry Chapin”

Written by Joe Janes

12/30/09

346 of 365

Cast:

Bruce, 25

Ray, 50

Bob, 75

Joseph, 50s

Vernon, 50s

(Lights up on Bruce, in a plain solid colored t=shirt and jeans, stage right. Ray, in a tucked in dress shirt and khakis, center stage right. Joseph, wearing greasy coveralls, is center stage left and Vernon, in a hat and old suit, is stage left. They never address one another except when indicated. They speak out to the audience.)

BRUCE

My dad is old.

RAY

My dad is old.

(They wait for Bob who enters walking slowly with a metal hospital cane. He wears a trucker cap, a too small Wisconsin Dells sweatshirt, unmatching sweatpants, a large fanny pack, white socks and Velcro sandals. He makes his way to center stage.)

BOB

My dad is dead.

JOSEPH

My dad is dead.

VERNON

Ich bin tot.

RAY

My grandfather died before I was born. I asked my dad about him.

BOB

He was a nice guy.

JOSEPH (taking a swig from a flask)

How do you do?

BOB

When he wasn’t drinking.

JOSEPH

Go fuck yourself.

BOB

And he couldn’t handle money.

RAY (To Bruce)

Now I know where I get all that from.

BRUCE

I don’t drink.

RAY

Yet.

VERNON (passionately)

Ich kann nicht Deutsches sprechen. Dieses ist gerade auf Linie Übersetzung crappy. Ich nahm eine deutsche Kategorie in der Highschool, weil ich hörte, dass es einfach war. Ich fiel aus. Ist hier alles dieses erlernte I. Ein, zwei, drei. Das ist es.

BOB

I don’t know what my grandfather did for a living. I never thought to ask. He was an off the boat German. Barely spoke a lick of English.

BRUCE

My grandfather lives in another state. I see him once every few years. I don’t know much about him except for what my dad tells me, which isn’t much.

BOB

I don’t know much about him.

RAY

I only recently found out my grandfather was a mechanic.

BOB

He had a good reputation.

JOSEPH

I can fix your car. You don’t have any money. You figure something out. (He takes a swig from a flask.)

VERNON (sad)

Ich traf nie meine Enkelkinder.

JOSEPH

I died of a stroke before any grandchildren came along.

BOB

I have too many grandchildren to keep track of. My kids had kids and divorces and remarriages and added new kids and half-kids and adoptions. When I meet them, I just smile and nod.

RAY

No grandchildren, well, none that I know of.

BRUCE

I have a cat.

(We hear a short horn blast. We hear a loud instrumental version of Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s In The Cradle.” The five actors start walking in a circle with people getting frustrated with Bob and passing him. Except Ray, who stays politely behind his dad. The music stops abruptly with another horn blast. The actors scramble to the nearest spot. They now stand in this order: Vernon, Joseph, Bob, Ray, Bruce. They take on the roles of the spot they inhabit.)

BRUCE

Ich heiratete eine stark vorangegangene und harte hearted Frau.

RAY

I married a strong woman. Who said she would do what I said and then do something else.

BOB

I married a mousey woman who said she would do what I say and then do something else. We got a divorce after twenty years. Then I married a strong woman who ran after me. I do what she says. It’s the most peaceful route.

JOSEPH

I married my high school sweetheart when I was nineteen. Of course, that was doomed. One kid from that union. Then I married an attractive woman who didn’t seem repulsed by me. She had kids. Her husband turned out to be gay. I think she was just glad I wasn’t gay. That was the biggest thing I had in my favor. We had a kid. And another divorce.

VERNON

It is my second cat.

(Another horn blast and even faster “Cat’s In The Cradle” as the actors quickly move in a circle, except for Bob. Even Ray abandons him. A horn blast stops everything and the actors make it back to their original position.)

BRUCE

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

RAY

I told him he used to be good with his hands, but he smoked and drank and wasn’t around much.

BRUCE (To Ray)

Like you?

JOSEPH

Fuck you, Harry Chapin.

VERNON

Bumsen Sie Sie, Harry Chapin.

BOB

I don’t listen to that rock and roll “music.”

RAY

(To Bruce) No… (To Audience) I asked my dad about my grandfather.

BOB

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

JOSEPH

I asked my dad about my grandfather.

VERNON

Ich fragte meinen Vati nach meinem Großvater. Er besaß eine Katze. Meow!

(Horn blast, but no music, they don’t know what to do. Lights fade to black. The Harry Chapin music plays in the dark.)

Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language ^and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)

Week 50, Day 344 - "Listless"

“Listless”

Written by Joe Janes

12/28/09/

344 of 365

Cast:

Morton, 40s

(Lights up on Morton sitting at a news desk.)

MORTON

Welcome back to The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker, but you already knew that or you wouldn’t be watching. It’s that time of year when I tell you what I think is the best of the best of this year. Why? I think so you don’t have to. When it comes to the best movies of the year, you know what I liked. There was that very expensive one in 3-D with the special effects that everyone paid lots of money to go see on its opening weekend before anyone could tell if it sucked or not, I like that one, you should, too. And let us not forget that one little independent film that all the critics raved about and that I pretend to understand. It rocked my world. Music, I like the one song where that chick made out with that girl in the leather leiderhosen at that awards show. You know the one. That was awesome. Books? Who cares? If it’s any good, I’ll wait for the movie. The best shows on the tube couldn’t hold an iFlame to that show everyone watches where people slap each other and sleep with each other and that one guy’s such a jerk and that one girl is super freaky and bitchy. And who doesn’t love a good cat fight? What a year it was! Of course, it wouldn’t be a show without pointing out the worst of the best. There was that film with the pop star who tried to act all serious and there was that rap album where the dude took himself all serious and thought he had an important message about fashion or something and it will be too soon when I see another TV show starring a 40-something actor trying to make a comeback in a show that’s all serious. Or a comedy. And on a somber note, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to remember all the Hollywood elite we lost this past year to prescription drugs and downhill skiing. (He looks on the verge of tears for a moment but quickly snaps out of it) This has been The Mind of Morton on Cox News. I’m Morton Mikelbocker. Next week, I’ll take a look at what you should be thinking about for the rest of the year. Good night, because I say it is.