Week 13, Day 85 - "War Is Hard Work"

“War Is Hard Work”
Written by Joe Janes
4/13/09
85 of 365

CAST:
Donny James, 30s
Director, 50s
Assistant, 20s

(Lights up on crooner Donny James in a spotlight finishing the end of his hit swinging song, “Lips Like Champagne.”)

DONNY (singing)

When you open your mouth,
Baby, I don’t complain,
You’re popping the cork on
Your lips of champay-nuh!

(The lights go to full work lights. A director comes out as an assistant hands Donny a towel and a martini.)

DIRECTOR

Good job. Donny. Take five, everybody! Take five!

(The director and assistant exit as Donny sits in a canvas director’s chair.)

DONNY

Hello, America. Donny “Sing for my Supper” James, here. You know, singing’s hard work. But even harder work is slapping on a uniform and fighting terrorists for our freedom far from home. But you can help. You might be thinking, “But, Donny, I’m not a soldier. I’m just a regular Jane or Joe. What can I do to help? Buy War Bonds?” Nope. “Ration food and gasoline?” Gosh, no. “Stop buying stuff made in foreign countries that support the enemy?” Don’t do that, either. We owe those people lots of money and we don’t want to ruffle any feathers. The best thing you can do, Joe or Janes Red-White-And-Blue, is nothing at all. Pay your taxes, watch television, avoid the real news and, for god’s sake, keep your mouth shut. Swallow those feelings of injustice and morality and keep them down with a big plug of patriotism. If we end the war, it will put millions of people out of work and panhandling on Main Streets here in the good ol’ U.S.A. We’re Americans, victory is our business, but not just yet.

ASSISTANT (entering)

You’re needed back on the set Mr. James.

DONNY (handing her his towel and martini)

Work is hard. (Gets out of chair) But being a godless, penniless communist is harder.

(Blackout as he puts a finger over his lips, winks and exits.)

Week 12, Day 84 - “The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”

“The Tip, Or Lack Thereof”
Written by Joe Janes
4/12/09
84 of 365

CAST:
Customer
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter picking up the check from the table of a customer. The waiter notices a small business-like card with the money.)

WAITER

What’s this?

CUSTOMER

That explains why I am not tipping you.

WAITER

Did you have a problem with the service?

CUSTOMER

I am not tipping you, as the card explains, because I do not believe in tipping. I believe in paying the price on the menu for my food. If the restaurant wants you to get part of it, they should charge me more and give you a higher wage.

WAITER

Tipping is the way the restaurant keeps cost down and I make a living.

CUSTOMER

I do not believe in it.

WAITER

Yeah, well, I don’t believe in assholes, but guess what?

(Blackout)

Week 12, Day 83 - "An Affair to Whatever"

(This is Saturday's sketch)

"An Affair to Whatever"
Written by Joe Janes
4/11/09
83 of 365

CAST:
Mark, 40s
Daphne, 40s

(Lights up on Daphne already in bed, reading a book. Mark is taking off his watch and setting it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. He climbs in to bed.)

MARK

So, does your husband think you're working an extra shift at the hospital?

DAPHNE

Yeah.

MARK

My wife think's I'm in Houston on business.

(They look at each other.)

MARK (continuing)

Well, goodnight.

DAPHNE

Goodnight.

(They both turn off the lights near their sides of the bed. A moment later, Daphne's light turns back on.)

DAPHNE

I think the passion's gone out of our affair.

MARK

Can we talk about this in the morning?

DAPHNE

Yeah. Okay.

(She turns off the light.)

Week 12, Day 82 - “Pitch Bleak”

“Pitch Bleak”
Written by Joe Janes
4/10/09
82 of 365

CAST
Martin, 50s
Phill, 20s
Agnes, 20s
DD, late 40s


(Lights up on Martin and two writers, Phill and Agnes, in a small coffee shop in LA. The writers look nervous. Martin is sipping espresso.)

MARTIN

We’re looking for a new project for DD. Whatever you do, don’t use the word “comeback.” He’ll walk out on you. I’ve seen him do it. But just between you, me and the espresso machine, this is a last ditch effort to get him back in the limelight. Otherwise, he’ll have to wait until he’s in his 70’s and hope for a Shatner-style revival. Are we on the same page, here?

PHILL

Totally.

AGNES

We understand. We’re grateful for the opportunity, Martin.

MARTIN

Here he comes.

(DD enters. He is in his late 40s. Wears sunglasses and a ball cap. He takes off the cap and glasses and looks around. He sighs when no one recognizes him.)

MARTIN

DD! Good to see you! (He hugs DD) Did you get those Cuban cigars I sent you?

DD

No, I don’t think so.

MARTIN

Hmm. I’ll cut the balls off my assistant and send another box over wrapped in the flesh of his scrotum.

DD

As long as it doesn’t affect the taste.

(Martin over laughs at this.)

MARTIN

Oh my God, DD. You bring tears to my eyes. If another comedy comes our way, we have to grab it. We have to.

DD

Fine with me. No babies, no dogs. Unless I get to kill them.

MARTIN (laughing)

Stop it. Stop it. You’re killing me. Have a seat, have a seat. Let me introduce you to two of the hottest young writers in Hollywood. Phill Magnuson and Agnes Hill.

DD

Have I seen anything you might have done?

MARTIN

Sure, you have. Sure, you have. You’ve seen that TV show about the doctors and the cops, “St. Justice” – the one in the prison hospital?

DD

You guys write for “St. Justice”? I love that show.

PHILL

We do the webisodes.

DD

Oh.

AGNES

They’re very good.

MARTIN

Watch ‘em on my cell phone all the time. You should, too.

(Awkward pause)

PHILL

I’m a big fan of your work, Mr. Johnson.

DD

Call me, DD.

PHILL

DD.

AGNES

Loved “Beverly Hills Equestrian.”

DD

Thanks. You know, they let me write my own dialogue for that.

PHILL

Really? You came up with, “Buck off, asshole”?

DD

I ad-libbed the “asshole” part.

AGNES

Nice touch.

DD

Are they going to suck my dick all day or we going to do this thing?

MARTIN

Good call, DD. Let’s do this thing. Phill and Agnes have been working on a few ideas. Phill… let’s hear the cop one first.

PHILL

Um, okay. Okay. DD, you play a drunk who gets pulled over by the cops. One cop is a Jew; the other is a black guy. One of them might be a woman, as well, or gay, or both. Belligerent drunken racial slurs fly aplenty – great opportunity for your adlib skills, right?

AGNES

It all gets caught on the cop’s dashboard camera and leaked to the press. We’re talking big impact here.

PHILL

Maximum exposure. News outlets, viral, a defiant, yet pathetic mug shot.

AGNES

Anger management, public apologies. Could draw the exposure out for months. At least a year. Maybe two.

PHILL

Then a producer takes a chance on you. Boom - Blockbuster movie. Oscar.

AGNES

Happy ending.

DD

I don’t know.

MARTIN

Let’s keep it open as a possibility. It is a big time commitment.

DD

I was hoping for something more altruistic. Maybe help out some animals or AIDS patients.

MARTIN

DD, we could go that way, but that’s so 90s. Save it for the nostalgia crowd. We need to start thinking quick and dirty and now. What’s going to give us the biggest bang for our buck, right?

DD

I guess.

MARTIN

What else you got?

AGNES

Well, honestly, it would be easier if you were a woman with a substance abuse problem and a little slutty. Well, a lot slutty. If benders and racial slurs aren’t your style, we might want to look at “the awkward interview.”

DD

Awkward interviews?

PHILL

You know, get you on Letterman or Leno. Have you be unresponsive. You‘ll be all over the Internet the next day. Heck, the next hour. Real water cooler stuff.

DD

Hard to be unresponsive. I like those guys.

AGNES

It’s easy. You leave your shades on. Don’t shave. You chew gum or do dipping tobacco. Swear a few times. Mumble. Tell him your changing careers.

PHILL

Like, becoming a rapper.

DD

I don’t rap.

PHILL

Even better.

AGNES

Pick a fight with someone in the audience.

PHILL

The idea is to create tension. Painful, can’t-look-away tension.

DD

Can’t I just do another movie? One of those independent, work-for-scale things?

MARTIN

The problem, DD, is that before those offers can come rolling in, we have to get you on people’s radars, again. “Beverly Hills Equestrian 4 – Ride Hard” tanked. We need to think “You.” Front and center. In the spotlight. See what I’m saying?

DD

I just want to make movies.

MARTIN

These are movies, DD. And you’re the star. Not your usual movies. Not on the big screen. You have to expand your definition of what a movie is these days. You are the movie. With today’s technology, it’s not enough just to shoot films and show up at premieres. The public doesn’t care about that stuff anymore. You have to get their attention. Get under their skin. Give them something to talk about.

DD

I came to Hollywood to be the next Harrison Ford. And I was, for a little while. People complain about autograph hunters and paparazzi. But it’s worse when they’re not there at all. I want people seeking me out because they like me, admire me. See me on the big screen and see me as a role model. Not because I made a humiliating public display of myself. Never thought I’d say this. Maybe I’ll just go back to working on my dad’s farm.

(Pause)

PHILL

That’s brilliant.

AGNES

Oh, my God. What a story.

PHILL

Big Hollywood star leaves the glitter to go back to his roots.

AGNES

Leaves the big time to become a farmer.

MARTIN

From tits to teats. I smell reality TV here.

PHILL

We get you on a talk show wearing overalls.

AGNES

Wearing a straw hat.

DD

Not really that kind of farm. Soybeans and corn. I’ll probably mostly do paperwork.

MARTIN

Doesn’t matter. Let us handle the story. I can get you on Fallon tomorrow. Pack your bags.

PHILL

That really is a brilliant idea, DD.

AGNES

This is why you’re the star.

DD

You guys really think we can make this into something? Get my film career cooking, again?

MARTIN (nodding and holding cell phone)

I have the head of Fox reality programming on my speed dial. This thumb is about to make you millions of dollars. Tell your wife and kids they’re moving to small town America and living on a farm.

DD

It’s actually only about an hour from here.

MARTIN

We don’t need to tell people that.

(Blackout.)

Week 12, Day 81 - “Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”

“Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”
Written by Joe Janes
4/9/09
81 of 365

CAST
Bub, 50s
Naomi, 12
Easter Bunny

(Lights up on Bub Winkerman, portly hunter, dressed in typical outdoor hunting gear. With him is Naomi, a little girl in a Sunday dress. They are in a typical backyard.)

BUB

Hey, everybody. Bub Winkerman, here. Boy, do we have an exciting show for you. It’s April. It’s that time of year where for one morning only; we get to go Easter egg hunting. With me here is my good friend and expert Easter egg hunter, Naomi. Naomi, tell me what you have there. What are the tools of the trade we’ll need to hunt Easter eggs?

NAOMI

Well, Bub, I have here a small basket. When I find an egg, I put it in here.

BUB

Got anything else in that basket we should know about?

NAOMI

Well, it could be a long morning. I brought a juice box and some jerky. I also have a large knife. Comes in handy should I find an egg and decide to eat it right away. And some wet naps.

BUB

That’s a pretty big knife for just cracking open some eggs.

NAOMI

Well, it’s also for protection. I didn’t want to scare you.

BUB

Protection from what?

NAOMI

The eggs just don’t magically appear where we find them. They are put there by a large, vicious six-foot tall rabbit. The rabbit may try to protect its eggs.

BUB

Maybe I should get my rifle.

NAOMI

Not a bad idea to have one on hand, but we probably won’t need it. The creature is nocturnal and hides its eggs in the cover of night. It should be long gone, by now.

BUB

That’s a relief. Where do we go looking for the eggs?

NAOMI

Right here, in my backyard.

(They both walk into the audience.)

NAOMI

The thing to remember is that the Easter bunny, as he is sometimes called, doesn’t leave them out in the open. You have to look under things.

BUB

Inside things, too.

NAOMI

That’s right.

(They make their way through the audience looking under seats, tables, people, etc.)

BUB

Hey, I found one.

(Bub holds an Easter egg up, but it’s one of those tiny chocolate ones in foil.)

NAOMI

That’s too small, Bub. You’ll have to put it back.

BUB

Will do. We must abide by state egg hunting laws.

NAOMI (holding one up)

Here’s one. The adult eggs are around this size. This is a good one. As you can see, it has a colorful shell. Each one is unique.

(There is a stirring in the back of the theater. The Easter bunny pops up growling.)

BUB

Oh, no! It’s the Easter Bunny, Naomi. My rifle’s in my truck. What should I do?

NAOMI (tosses the egg to Bub)

Keep him distracted, Bub.

BUB

Hey! Hey! Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Got one of your eggs. Can’t wait till I peel off its shell and put it in my tummy. Might even take the shell and put it over my mantle. Or make shoes out of it.

(As he speaks, the bunny tries to get closer to Bub and Bub slowly backs up towards the stage. Naomi is sneaking up behind the bunny. She catches up to him and snaps his neck with her bare hands. )

NAOMI

Grab him, Bub! Help me drag him onto the patio!

(Bub does. Naomi takes out her knife.)

BUB

Are we going to skin him and eat him?

NAOMI

Easter bunnies aren’t like regular bunnies, Bub. They taste awful. Like plastic grass and Necco wafers. The good stuff is in the belly.

(Naomi splits open his belly and Easter eggs come pouring out.)

BUB

Looks like we hit the jackpot, Naomi. Good job!

NAOMI

Thanks, Bub. Now, we’ll skin him and make a nice rug for my playroom.

(Naomi begins to skin the Easter Bunny.)

BUB (eating an Easter egg)

This has been Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman. See you next week when we will be stalking candy-filled paper donkeys and clubbing them to death for Cinco de Mayo. Good day and good hunting!

(Blackout.)

Week 12, Day 80 - “I Like You Better When You’re Nude”

“I Like You Better When You’re Nude”
Written by Joe Janes
4/8/09
80 of 365

CAST:
Ralph, 20-30s
Lucy, 20-30s

(Lights up on Ralph setting a dinner table for a romantic evening.)

RALPH

Dinner’s almost ready, Lucy.

(Lucy enters looking hot, putting in earrings.)

LUCY

Candle lit dinner, Ralph? What’s the big occasion?

RALPH

It’s our anniversary.

LUCY

We’re not married.

RALPH

Our one-year anniversary of going out, Silly. Our six-month anniversary of living together. We talked about this.

LUCY

Oh, I totally forgot. I told my girlfriends I’d meet them at Hi-Tops for Ladies Night.

RALPH

I’ve been planning this for weeks-

(Lucy lifts the hem of her skirt, flashing Ralph her lower lady parts.)

LUCY

Look at this stain. Dog gone it. I’ll have to change.

(She exits.)

RALPH

It’s so hard to stay mad at you.

(Cue medium tempo music.)

Relationships can be so dang hard,
Emotional swirly for a dude,
Hot girls can burn and leave you scarred,
But it’s anesthesia when they’re nude.

(Ralph sits. Lucy re-enters in a robe and opens it close to Ralph’s face.)

LUCY

Does this look like herpes, again?

(He looks, at first in disgust and then enchanted.)

RALPH

Full frontal hoo-hoo kills all reason,
Like kryptonite to my attitude,
To deny it would be my treason,
I like you better when you are nude.

RALPH

Oh, I can hardly tell, pumpkin.

(He starts to reach his hand out to touch it.)

LUCY (exiting)

Okay. Don’t want to scare anybody.

RALPH

When you have bad news to deliver,
Don’t worry about being too rude,
It might stick me like a glass sliver,
Just break it to me when you are nude.

LUCY (entering)

Can I borrow fifty bucks do buy my ex-husband a birthday present?

(She opens her robe.)

RALPH

That asshole? Sure, my wallet’s on the –

LUCY (exiting)

I already got it, thanks.

RALPH

Is he going to be there-?

I dreamt about loving a goddess,
It makes me feel manly and so shrewd,
It means I won life’s big game of chess,
Seeing you frolic naked and nude.

LUCY (entering in a new dress)

By the way, I’m pregnant.

RALPH

Is that good news or bad news?

LUCY

Well, it’s either yours, your brother’s, my ex-husband’s, or Pauly Shore’s.

(She opens her blouse.)

RALPH

I’ll raise it as if it were my own.

It’s such a delight seeing you bare,
Like a Playboy model come to life,
Your curves melt away all woe and care,
I’d love it, Luce, if you’d be my wife.

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a ring box. She takes the ring and puts it in the pocket of her robe.)

LUCY

No. But, thanks. You know, I thought I was in love with you, Ralph. Guess I was wrong. I’ll stay until our lease runs out and then move in with someone else.

RALPH

Oh, my God.

(He collapses on the floor. She stands over his head. He looks up.)

LUCY

I’ll still need you to pay child support. Unless I get an abortion. Then I’ll need you to pay for that. Is that okay?

RALPH

I think that’s fine.

LUCY (singing the bridge)

A man’s brain is made out of penises and clay,
I just grab the stuff I want when I want it,
My rich and pretty momma always used to say,
If you (oo-oo) have got it...flaunt it.

(She thrusts out her chest and she exits.)

RALPH

Your flesh is a Snuggy for my brain,
Only in my head do I get screwed,
You are the candy without the cane,
Still, I like you better when you’re nude.

LUCY (from the door)

Can you come pick me up when we’re done partying?

RALPH

You just broke up with me. Besides, I have to work in the morning-

LUCY

Picture me naked.

RALPH

Okay. Call me when you’re done.

(He sighs and smiles. Lights fade as a reprise of music from the song plays out.)

Week 12, Day 79 - “April Showers”

“April Showers”
Written by Joe Janes
4/7/09
79 of 365

CAST
Mother, 30s
Daughter, 12
Father, 30s

(Lights up on a mother and young daughter standing outside a door. Inside we hear horrible sounds of a man in pain. Crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, some throwing of things about, fists pounding on hard surfaces, some settling down, panting, slowing, sniffing, throat clearing, silence, a sigh of relief. An envelope slides out from under the door. The mother picks it up. The daughter puts a stamp on it.)

MOTHER

Honey. Don’t forget to do the state taxes.

(More intense wailing and thrashing about as lights fade.)