Week 23, Day 157 - “Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”

“Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur”
Written by Joe Janes
6/24/09
157 of 365

CAST:
Phillip, adult dinosaur
Cindy, 8
Billy, 8
Todd, 8
Alphonso, 8
Sally, 8
Cunt Jergen, 50s, Australian

(Lights up on Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur in a classroom surrounded by children. He is finishing a sing-a-long with them to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)

PHILLIP AND KIDS

Love, Love, Love the world,
With a great big heart,
Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee, Sara Lee,
Makes a tasty tart!

(They all cheer!)

PHILLIP

Next, I, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur, courtesy of Sara Lee, am going to teach you the alphabet!

(The kids cheer!)

PHILLIP

Can someone tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet? (Cindy raises her hand.) Cindy!

CINDY

Where’s Mrs. Florenheim?

PHILLIP

Mrs. Florenheim had to go home to take care of her sick cat. Okay? Okay, everybody? Now, the alphabet-

CINDY

Are you really a dinosaur?

PHILLIP

Yep, I’m really a dinosaur. Grrr.

CINDY

What kind of dinosaur are you?

PHILLIP

Why, I’m a friendly dinosaur, right, kids?

(The kids cheer.)

CINDY

Yes, but what kind? Are you a tyrannosaurus? A velociraptor?

BILLY

It’s whatever dinosaur is purple, right, Phillip?

CINDY

Well, what kind of dinosaur is purple? I’ve never heard of a purple dinosaur.

PHILLIP

Nobody has, Cindy. Dinosaurs became extinct either millions of years ago or thousands of years ago depending on what your parents tell you and in no way am I trying to persuade you to believe one thing over another. The point is, either no one ever saw a dinosaur or remembers what color they were.

TODD

26!

PHILLIP

That’s right, Todd!

BILLY

Why doesn’t anyone know what color dinosaurs are?

CINDY

Because they’re all dead. That’s what “extinct” means.

BILLY

Then what’s he doing here?

PHILLIP

I’m here to teach you the alphabet to make you smart. Maybe if you’re smart, you won’t become extinct like all my dinosaur friends. Anyone know a word that begins with the letter “A”?

SALLY

Why aren’t you stinkt?

PHILLIP

Ex-tinct, a word that does not begin with the letter “A.” Try again, any-one. How a-bout you, Al-phonso?

ALPHONSO

Why aren’t you dead like all the other dinosaurs?

(All the kids chime in with ‘yeahs’ and such.)

PHILLIP

All right, all right. If I tell you, can we then go on to learn about the alphabet?

TODD

Alphabet!

PHILLIP

Yes, Todd, the alphabet.

TODD

It begins with “A.”

PHILLIP

Oh, you’re right, Very good. Guess you get an “A.”

(Todd cheers, no one else does. The other kids glare at Phillip.)

PHILLIP (continuing)

Okay. About ten years ago, a mosquito from when dinosaurs roamed the earth was found trapped in amber. A scientist, underwritten by The Sara Lee Corporation, figured out a way to extract the blood the mosquito digested from having bitten a dinosaur and used that blood to clone me. He didn’t have all the DNA he needed, so he made some up with some modern day animals like lizards, jellyfish and the purple finch. Thus, purple. Happy? Can we move on to “B,” now, please?

CINDY

Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

What?

CINDY

You’re a dinosaur. Why aren’t you eating us?

PHILLIP

Because I’m a friendly dinosaur, remember? Friendly dinosaurs don’t eat people. Unless provoked.

BILLY

What do you eat?

ALPHONSO

Yeah, what do you eat? I don’t see any teeth?

PHILLIP

If you look closely, you can see tiny sharp ridges along my mouth. Good for biting, but not for chewing. When I see something I want to eat, I hold it down with my sharp claws and spit up an acidic bile that kills and dissolves my prey. Then I just slurp it on up.

(The kids are grossed out and “ewwwww” that idea.)

TODD

Bile!

PHILLIP

Good job, Todd. Bile begins with "B." You’re learning the alphabet, even if no one else is. Let’s move on to “C.” “C” can be a little tricky. Sometimes it has a soft sound, like “ceiling” (he points up) and sometimes it has a hard sound like – CUNT!

(Cunt Jergen enters. He is dressed like an African safari hunter. He carries a big gun.)

CUNT

That’s right, Phillip the Friendly Dinosaur. It’s me, Cunt Jergen, the Unfriendly Dinosaur Wrangler. Time to get back in your cage.

PHILLIP

How did you find me?

CUNT

Simple, Phillip. I found your spore on the sidewalk outside this building, The Sara Lee Corporation Compound Daycare Center. And that spore also contained bits of colored chalk. The same kind of chalk favored by Mrs. Florenheim, their usual teacher.

PHILLIP

You’ll never take me. You come any closer, and these kids become my Lunchables.

CUNT

You wouldn’t dare!

PHILLIP

Wouldn’t I?

(Phillip roars and spits up acidic bile onto Todd. Todd screams. Cunt, the ill-prepared unfriendly dinosaur hunter, starts to load his gun. Too late. Phillip is on a rampage. He spits up on Cunt and tears him apart. He claws all the remaining kids until he sits among the bloody ruins.)

PHILLIP

Why, God? Why?

(Cindy stirs and crawls her way over to Phillip.)

CINDY

I forgot to ask. Where did you learn how to talk?

(Phillip belches up more bile onto her head. She screams and writhes in pain until she is dead.)

PHILLIP

I went to school.

(Blackout)

Week 23, Day 156 - "Everybody Poops, Even Neil"

“Everybody Poops, Even Neil”
Written by Joe Janes
6/23/09
156 of 365

CAST:
Neil, 20s
Mrs. Brown, 60s
Mindy, 20s

(Lights up on a sad Neil walking home at night passing Mrs. Brown, a sweet old lady, who is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch.)

MRS. BROWN

Evening, Neil.

NEIL

Evening, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

How was your date?

NEIL

My date?

MRS. BROWN

Yes, that pretty redheaded girl I saw you walking with earlier. Sure looked like a date to me. You had the biggest smile on your face.

NEIL

Yeah. I guess it was all right.

MRS. BROWN

Now, Neil. You come here and tell me what’s troubling you.

NEIL

I’m really embarrassed, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

You know you can tell me anything, child.

NEIL

I don’t think Mindy’s ever going to go out with me ever again.

MRS. BROWN

Why would you say such a thing? You’re handsome and you’re a gentleman.

NEIL

Thanks, but-

MRS. BROWN

But what?

NEIL

Argh! Everything was going great, but for at the restaurant I ordered a plate of steamed broccoli and a bottomless cup of coffee for my dinner.

MRS. BROWN

Interesting choice.

NEIL

I wanted to impress her by showing her I was healthy and alert. But I had no idea how it was going to affect me. We were strolling by the park when all of a sudden, it was like, oh, this is so embarrassing, Mrs. Brown.

MRS. BROWN

I think I know what you’re going to say, Neil. You had to poop.

NEIL

That’s right. I had to poop. Bad. Real bad. Really real bad. It was like a swat team was trying to kick out the back door of my trousers.

MRS. WOCLOTT

What did you do?

NEIL

I held it as long as I could, but then it started to affect the way I walked. I suggested we go to the closest possible gas station and get a frozen treat for dessert.

MRS. WOCLOTT

Good thinking.

NEIL

And while we were in there, I made a feeble excuse; I said, “Um, I have to go check on something…” I ran into the bathroom and quickly unleashed all that is unholy. The door was one of those thin wooden doors that didn’t go all the way to the floor and I was making noise. A lot of noise. Like swinging a bat at a duffle bag full of ducks. The room vibrated. I heard a few cans of motor oil fall off a shelf, too. When I came out, Mindy was gone.

MRS. BROWN

Now, now, Neil.

NEIL

And I don’t blame her. What I did was inhuman.

MRS. BROWN

On the contrary, Neil What you did was perfectly natural. Everyone and everything that eats also poops.

NEIL

Really?

MRS. BROWN

Oh, sure. You’ve seen animals poop, haven’t you?

NEIL

I watch my cat poop all the time.

MRS. BROWN

You probably don’t need to do that.

NEIL

He gets this look on his face. He seems to take it very seriously.

MRS. BROWN

All human beings poop, too. Not just you. Did you know astronauts poop?

NEIL

Even in space?

MRS. BROWN

Even in space. The president poops. So does Chuck Norris. And all those pretty semi-nude lingerie models in the magazines you keep in your nightstand-

NEIL

Hey, how did you know-

MRS. BROWN

Oh, the whole town knows about that. And what you do with them, that’s natural, too. In moderation. But I digress; my point is that those pretty girls also poop. Think about that the next time you’re looking at them.

NEIL

Yeah. I probably will.

MRS. BROWN

I hope our talk has made you feel better.

NEIL

I guess so. But what I did just seemed so violent. And Mindy did run away.

(Mindy enters walking on the sidewalk.)

MINDY

Neil?

NEIL

Mindy!

MINDY

There you are. Where did you run off to?

NEIL

Me? I came out of the bathroom and couldn’t find you. I assumed I frightened you away.

MINDY

No, silly. I had sauerkraut, sausage and a big glass of milk for dinner. Where do you think I was?

NEIL

On, my goodness. Were you in the ladies room?

MINDY

You bet I was. And for quite some time.

MRS. BROWN

Girls take longer to poop.

MINDY

We sure do.

MRS. BROWN

Say, do you kids want to come inside for some chocolate pie?

MINDY

Sure!

NEIL

A wedge of Mrs. Brown’s Famous Chocolate Pie sounds great, but it’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.

MINDY

What’s the matter, Neil?

MRS. BROWN

Are you pooped?

NEIL

Not any more!

(They all laugh heartily. Neil and Mindy get sudden, very concerned looks on their faces. They stand awkwardly in silence for a moment.)

NEIL

I need to go check on something.

(He runs inside.)

MRS. BROWN

There’s another bathroom upstairs, Mindy.

(They follow. Blackout.)

Week 23, Day 155 - “People Who Live In Candy Houses Shouldn’t Throw Vegetables”

“People Who Live In Candy Houses Shouldn’t Throw Vegetables”
Written by Joe Janes
6/22/09
155 of 365

CAST:
Hansel, 12
Gretel, 12
Witch, 60s
Phil, 30s
Witch, 100s

(Lights up on Hansel and Gretel, lost, wandering through the forest, which is probably the audience.)

GRETEL

Hansel. We are hopelessly lost. If only those squirrels hadn’t eaten those breadcrumbs.

HANSEL (mouth full of bread crumbs)

Yeth! Thtupid squirrels. (Gulp) I’m thirsty.

GRETEL

Me, too. Hansel. If we don’t find any food or shelter, we will surely starve.

HANSEL

Lost in the forest, surrounded by nothing but vegetation and animals. We will certainly die.

(On stage, Phil, comes out and begins hammering tiles onto a wall.)

GRETEL

Look, Hansel, look! It’s a house.

HANSEL

Yay! A house.

(They run to the stage.)

GRETEL

Not just any house. This house is made out of candy and gingerbread!

HANSEL

I have died and gone to heaven. Look at this window shutter. It’s a peppermint candy. (He tears it off the house.)

PHIL

Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

HANSEL

I’m hungry.

PHIL

Just because you’re hungry doesn’t mean you can bite into somebody’s house. Peppermint shutters cost a fortune and are a bitch to hang.

GRETEL

But we’re hungry.

PHIL

Fine. Go ahead and knock yourselves out.

(Hansel and Gretel take big bites out of the shutter and begin chewing. It dawns on them that something tastes odd about the candy and they spit it out.)

HANSEL

This candy is bad.

GRETEL

It tastes like chemicals.

PHIL

Of course, you jackasses. It’s been weatherproofed. You can’t just have a house made of candy and not weather proof it. Wish that fucking witch had thought about that.

HANSEL

What witch?

GRETEL

There’s a witch in the woods?

PHIL

Not anymore. She used to live here. I bought it from her and I’m trying to flip it.

GRETEL

What happened to the witch?

PHIL

Fuck if I know. I think she took a room at the “Y” in town. She went into foreclosure. Kept taking out mortgages to repair the damn thing. Hail has turned the roof into a sieve. Raccoons ate through the back porch steps. The whole second story is unsafe since last summer’s heat wave. Damn near melted the lollipop staircase. She’s lucky they just didn’t condemn the place. I’m trying to get it into shape to sell it.

HANSEL

We can’t have any of it?

GRETEL

What about the gingerbread? It smells so good in the sun.

(Hansel takes a bite of the house and screams in pain.)

PHIL

Stop eating the house! Last week you could have eaten it. I’ve since reinforced it with chicken wire and steel piping.

HANSEL

I think I broke a tooth.

PHIL

Look. You want to eat something? Grab a ladder and lick the marzipan off the eaves. I haven’t gotten to those yet.

GRETEL

Thank you, kind sir.

(They grab a small ladder and start doing just that.)

PHIL

Call me Phil.

GRETEL

Ew, this doesn’t taste good, either, Phil.

PHIL

That’s probably from all the bird crap. They kept making nests up there.

HANSEL

Eat around it, Gretel.

PHIL

Who the hell makes a house out of candy? I guess just because you’re a witch doesn’t mean you’ve got a brain. One light rain and you already got a ton of damage. Not like my truck, which is made out of Slim Jims. That’s sturdy material. Waterproof. Doesn’t rot. Slim Jims will last a million years. Of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t run out of gas now and then.

GRETEL

Your truck is edible?

PHIL

Yep. Except the tires. You need real tires for tires with these roads. Is there anybody I can call for you guys? Your parents, maybe?

GRETEL

Our parents abandoned us out here.

HANSEL

They said they could no longer afford to feed us.

PHIL

Yeah. I get that. Tell you what. I’ll feed you kids if you help me. There’s a frozen pizza in the fridge. Cool?

(They climb down the ladder.)

HANSEL

Sure.

GRETEL

What can we do?

PHIL

Come inside and help me with the oven, first. Let’s get you fed.

(They all three exit off to the kitchen.)

PHIL (off)

It’s a little tricky. Can’t always tell if it’s on.

GRETEL (off)

I’ll crawl inside of it to see if it’s on.

PHIL (off)

Good idea. Let me get the door.

(We hear Hansel yell as if he just shoved someone. Gretel screams. Phil yells “Hey!” We hear scuffling and the oven door slam. The witch comes out onto stage from behind the house with a saw. She is whistling a happy tune.)

WITCH

Phil?

(Phil comes out from the house.)

PHIL

Oh, hey.

WITCH

I’m done sawing off all the moldy licorice on the back porch.

PHIL

Oh, good. I’ll reinforce the railings with a mix of high fructose corn syrup and epoxy after lunch. Then we’re almost done.

WITCH

I've really worked up an appetite. What do I smell cooking?

PHIL

Some fat German kids wandered by. I threw them in the oven. Give it about 45 minutes.

WITCH

Thanks for helping me get the house in shape.

PHIL

Thanks for not eating me when I got lost. Glad I found a way to be useful to you.

(She smacks him on the head with the flat side of the saw. He falls to the ground and is about to pass out.)

PHIL

Why do you do that?

WITCH

I’m a witch.

(He passes out. She takes salt out of her pocket and sprinkles it on him and starts nibbling on his hand. Blackout)

Week 22, day 153 - "Farmers from Hell"

“Farmers from Hell”
Written by Joe Janes
6/21/09
154 of 365

CAST:
Farmer Briar, 50s
Farmer Hicks, 50s

(Lights up on two farmers, Briar and Hicks, standing downstage looking over a field - the audience. These are not old-timey farmer caricatures – NO bib overalls! They may be wearing dungarees – yes, I just used that word – and agri-trucker caps. They stand looking and perusing the crops from where they stand.)

BRIAR

No corn?

HICKS

Government pays me not to grow corn.

BRIAR

No soy?

HICKS

Government pays me not to grow soy.

BRIAR

Nice crop of people.

HICKS

Gotta grow something.

BRIAR

Using the right chemicals?

HICKS

Yep, but I don’t think I spread it out evenly.

BRIAR

Looks like a boll weevil’s been chewing on that one.

HICKS

Naw, I just didn’t pick it in time. It got over ripe and the hair fell out.

BRIAR

That one looks funny. Don’t look like the rest.

HICKS

Genetically modified. Monsanto paid me to grow it. They spliced together eggplant for the smooth, wrinkle-free skin, tomato for the rosy complexion, and silicone for the udders.

BRIAR

No Mexicans?

HICKS

The government pays me not to grow Mexicans.

(Blackout)

Week 22, day 153 - "Jerk Sandwich"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“Jerk Sandwich”
Written by Joe Janes
6/20/09
153 of 365

CAST:
Dunbar, 30s
Kimmie, 20s

(Lights up on Dunbar, presumably an office drone, sitting on a park bench on his lunch break. He unpacks a sandwich. It is a fine sandwich. A few moments later, Kimmie walks by. She is an attractive young woman in a sundress. She clears the bench and pauses, looking off. She sits on the other end of the bench. Dunbar has noticed her, but continues to prepare to eat his sandwich. Kimmie looks introspective and quietly upset. She gets up and looks off, again. Dunbar takes a joyful bite out of his sandwich. As she stands there, she puts the back of her hand to her mouth and begins to cry, softly. Dunbar hears this and stops mid-chew. He watches her a moment as she tries to stifle her crying. Dunbar swallows. She self-consciously regains her composure and returns to the bench. Dunbar avoids eye contact with her. He slowly returns to chewing on his sandwich. Kimmie shakes and breaks down in tears. Dunbar finishes his chewy piece of sandwich and swallows. Kimmie quiets down, again. Dunbar, sensing she’s okay, picks up the sandwich and is about to take a big bite when Kimmie sighs. This stops him. He brings his sandwich to his mouth, again, and she sighs, again. He tries this a few times and she sighs a few times. He quietly puts his sandwich down in his lap and wraps it back up in a paper napkin. He looks at Kimmie suspiciously. She gets up again and looks off. Her phone rings She picks up.)

KIMMIE

Hello?...John…I am here…Did you think about what we talked about?...Really? You do?...Oh, John…I love you. I really love you… Oh – I see you. Over by the fountain. Throw in a penny and make a wish for me. For us. See you in sec… (She hangs up and is now beaming. She turns to Dunbar.) Have a nice day.

(She exits.)

DUNBAR (clearing his throat)

You, too!

(Dunbar returns to the business of his wonderful sandwich. He takes a bite. It just doesn’t taste any good any more. He puts it down and spits a bit of chewed sandwich into the napkin. He looks around and quietly starts crying. Lights fade.)

Week 22, day 152 - “Don’t Ask, Don’t Shout It Out Loud”

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Shout It Out Loud”
Written by Joe Janes
6/19/09
152 of 365

CAST
Tracey, 40s
Paula, 40s
Spencer, 30s
Shimmerman, 50s

(Lights up on Tracy, Paula, Shimmerman and Spencer sitting around Tracey’s living room in Omaha, Nebraska. They all wear KISS t-shirts and buttons. )

TRACEY

So far, we have accumulated 132 signatures for our petition to have KISS play Omaha. That’s not bad, but we have to do better if we want them to take us seriously. Who do you know?

PAULA

Yeah, guys. We can’t just rely on our KISS Army – Omaha MySpace page to do all our work.

SPENCER

We’ve got to mobilize. Maybe we can hit the market on Saturday and get signatures in the parking lot.

TRACEY

Now you’re thinking. What about you, Shimmerman?

PAULA

Yeah, you’ve been quiet the whole meeting.

SHIMMERMAN

I’m waiting for the next item on the agenda.

TRACEY

Look, man, I told you I wasn’t cool with that.

SHIMMERMAN

Fine. Then get to the item after that.

TRACEY (sighs)

Okay. (Looks at clipboard) Does anybody have any new business? (Shimmerman raises his hand.) Okay, let’s move on to rocking out-

SPENCER

Shimmerman has his hand up.

TRACEY

All right, Shimmerman. What is your new business?

SHIMMERMAN

We need to talk about Spencer.

SPENCER

Me?

SHIMMERMAN

Yes. This is the KISS Army. I have been a member in good standing since 1982.

TRACEY

You did have that two-year lapse in the late 80s.

SHIMMERMAN

That was a Peter Criss sympathy binge. My heart was still with the KISS Army.

SPENCER

I haven’t been a KISS solider as long as you, but I’m still in good standing, aren’t I? 75 of those petition signatures are from me.

SHIMMERMAN

This is not about who you are on record, Spencer. It’s about who you are behind closed doors.

PAULA

Dude. Are you dealing drugs?

SPENCER

I’m a pharmacist. I deal drugs openly.

SHIMMERMAN

There’s something else you do openly, Spencer. Last Saturday, I was on my way to the military surplus store to buy some camouflage pants with matching vest when my path was blocked by a parade. A gay pride parade.

PAULA

Omaha has a gay pride parade?

SHIMMERMAN

Apparently. And guess who was I saw on the lead float decked out in his Peter Criss outfit?

SPENCER

What I do in my free time is my business.

SHIMMERMAN

It would be if you weren’t a member of the KISS Army which is a role we all take seriously 24/7.

TRACEY

We do have rules, Spencer.

SPENCER

Is there a rule against being gay?

SHIMMERMAN

You took the pledge. “I pledge allegiance to the state of rock and roll/I promise to rock and roll all night and party every day/Cuz girl, I was made for you and girl, you were made for me/I was made for loving you, the KISS Army/Under God.” There is a clear reference to “I was made for you and “girl” you were made for me.”

SPENCER

Could mean two girls, which would be gay.

SHIMMERMAN

Gay, but hot. Not two guys gay, which is not hot.

SPENCER

To you. Does everyone feel this way?

TRACEY

I don’t know, Spencer. I’ve never had this come up.

PAULA

Spencer’s done great things for this group. He made us these cool matching patches. He jammed on that eBay auction to get us that Gene Simmon’s autographed bottle of hair dye. We shouldn’t be kicking him out because we don’t agree with his personal life.

SHIMMERMAN

I was against you being in the KISS Army, Paula. KISS is a man’s band. They wear manly bare-chested sequined outfits. They wear manly make-up emulating demons and star children and kitty cats. They sing about rocking hard and having bountiful sex with women. But you’re Tracey’s girlfriend and it is his basement, so, I shut up about it. But I have to put my foot down. There’s no room in the KISS Army for gays.

TRACEY

I say we put it to a vote. All those in favor of Spencer staying in the KISS Army, raise your hand. (Tracey raises his hand, Paula raises her hand, Spencer raises his hand.)

SHIMMERMAN

You can’t go changing the rules of rock and roll just because you don’t like them.

PAULA

If you don’t like it, you can leave.

TRACEY

It’s our infantry. We can call our own shots. Give us back your patch.

(Shimmerman rips the patch off his sleeve and throws it on the table.)

SHIMMERMAN

Fine. I’ll go join the Lincoln division. They have real men with real love guns who aren’t afraid to use them. (He heads towards the door and turns) That sounded gayer than I intended it to.

(He exits)

SPENCER

I’m really sorry. I didn’t think…. I never meant to break up our group.

TRACEY

We’ll be okay, Spencer. Why don’t you lead us in our closing prayer.

(They circle and bow their heads)

ALL

I know life sometimes can get tough. And I know life sometimes can be a drag. But people, we have been given a gift; we have been given a road. And that roads name is... rock and roll!

PAULA

I never noticed that “drag” word in there before.

(Blackout)

Week 22, day 151 - “Zombie Pizza Party”

“Zombie Pizza Party”
Written by Joe Janes
6/18/09
151 of 365

CAST:
Zombie Brian, 20s
Zombie JC, 20s
Zombie Rammel, 20s
Zombie Kelly, 20s
Val, 20s
Zombie Alex, 20s

(In the dark we hear zombies growling. Lights up on four zombies, Brain, JC, Rammel and Kelly. They look as though they became zombies while at a frat party. They stand looking out doing some low level zombie growling. They are interrupted by a doorbell. They become quiet, but their eyes widen. The doorbell rings, again. Zombie Rammel shuffles over and opens the door. Val, the pizza delivery guy, is standing there holding a pizza.)

VAL

Hi. Somebody order a pizza on-line?

(Zombie Rammel invites him in with the wave of his rotting hand. Val walks in. The zombies gather around him looking at the pizza.)

VAL

That’s going to be $12.50.

(Zombie JC knocks the pizza to the floor.)

VAL

Hey. You’re still going to have to pay for that.

(The zombies all drag Val to the ground and devour him. The quickly reduce him to mostly bone and little meat. Zombie Alex enters carrying a six-pack of beer. He growls and the others stop and look at him. He is clearly disappointed they started without him. They look ashamed. Zombie Alex inspects the remains. Zombie Kelly offers him what’s left of a foot in a shoe. He knocks it out of her hand and walks away. Zombie Brian tries to console him by offering him his own arm to eat. Alex spurns the idea, but Brian persists. Alex tries a nibble. Tries another small nibble. He excitedly starts to chow down on Brian’s arm. All the zombies cheer. “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas plays. The zombies dance as Alex continues to nosh on Brian. Lights fade.)